Creative Use of Emotion or Distraction?

[MM19]

I am a first time poster, and must admit, I am both excited, and a bit embarrassed about the process. I have read several of the posts, and was so impressed with the candor and quality of the advice given, I hoped the readers would not mind my long introduction in an effort to achieve understanding. Regardless, I was in a relationship with a man for a little over 2 years. This is the only man I have ever been able to tell my family I thought was “the one.” He said the same of his feelings for me.

About 3 weeks ago, after returning from an 8 month stay abroad, he said that he felt he “needed to go at it alone” for a while. I must admit, I sort of saw this coming. He has struggled with staying in the relationship for a while now and is still adjusting to his life here as opposed to abroad. However, this is not the main reason. In my mind the real reason is that I am ready for marriage (or at least an engagement). We have been discussing this for a long time, and slowly he began to note that he is young, does not have his finances in order, and has not yet resolved his issues with his parents and their relationship histories. While earlier in our relationship, he was excited about the prospect of marrying me and having children, now he says he is “not sure if [he] wants a life partner.” I think, though, that this is said out of fear of being responsible to/for another person’s happiness/well-being. He is, after all, not too young – 27. I am 31. We are both students and still moving toward our future goals, but could do that together.

Upon ending the relationship, he told me that he had realized how amazing our relationship was – that we could be really happy together as life-long partners, that he really loved me, and would miss me, but that something in him kept telling him he needed to be alone right now – that a relationship did not allow him the freedom to make choices and to have the sort of “creative breakthrough” (he is a writer) that he needed. He told me that if he “thought it was over forever, that [he[ would not be able to do this; but, that [he] suppose[d] [he] would have to.” I told him that after a year of questioning if we were “in this” or “out” that I thought it would be best for me to assume it was over forever. He suggested I think more “creatively” about the end.

Regardless, just two days after our breakup, he began seeing someone else/sleeping with someone else. He had mentioned he would probably date, but would not have a girlfriend after our breakup, but because she is out of town (about 3 hours away), and seeing her/speaking with her takes effort and money, it really hurts.

I have been trying to see that perhaps this girl brings him comfort right now – she is younger, she is not here so he does not have the pressure of a relationship, etc. – but still feel hurt. It makes me question whether or not I should be more “creative” in thinking it could feasibly work out with us at a later date, and that this phase is just about him preparing himself for marriage. I am not sure if my best efforts are just maintaining my health and my life, and leaving the door open for him should he resolve his issues, or just maintaining my life and health and closing it for good.

I am not sure whether to “trust” my instinct that this “relationship” is about him feeling empowered and liberated, or to “trust” my fear that he is looking for someone better. I know, don’t go with the “fear,” but is that smart? What if I am wrong? Anyway, thanks for listening. I know this is long. All love and light, MM19.

[ZHereford]

Welcome MM19!

There is no question that after being abroad and having a chance to be away from it all your ex is testing the waters. Better now than if you were to have gotten married. Everyone needs the opportunity to reflect and question what's right for them. This may mean you will not end up in his future plans.

It's understandable that you feel insecure because of his decision, however it's not a reflection on you and you mustn't let that stop you from moving on with your life. To hang on will not help you no matter what he decides. He needs time to figure out what he really wants. It's unlikely that it's this new person but you just don't know. As difficult as it may be, the sooner you are able to move on, the better. All the best to you!

[Shamou]

Hello and welcome aboard MM19...

I completely agree with ZHereford when she says, "it's not a reflection on you and you mustn't let that stop you from moving on with your life."

It is not a question of who is the best or not... it is a question as to whom he feels most comfortable with...

No matter what the outcome will be... you are still very young and there is happiness for you down the road... try to get back on your feet... and you will find it...

The very best of luck to you...

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[MM19]

They were very thoughtful and mature. I really do appreciate it. In the meantime, you are right...I must march forward. Thanks again!

[Dharma]

He is a reflection of you. If you take his role in this situation and make it about you you will see what is rolling around in your unconscious.

[MM19]

I really agree with all of you, and it is so generous of you all to help. Honestly, just needed a push, and am so grateful you were there. Namaste.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by MM19

I really agree with all of you, and it is so generous of you all to help. Honestly, just needed a push, and am so grateful you were there. Namaste.

Years ago I lost what I though was the only person in the world that I could love and who could make me happy...

In retrospect, I can see that she was totally wrong for me... I eventually found my true love... she has been with me for twenty four glorious and happy years...

The Universe has a special way of taking care of us... we simply have to trust it and keep forging ahead...

Best of luck to you...

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