Romantic Quandry

[NotesMaeve]

My boyfriend suffers from depression he will not get treated.

He has not tried to have sex with me in weeks. If we have sex, it's the same position. I voice my concerns, but it never pays off. He doesn't like going out or doing much. He's a good boyfriend and does nice things for me, but the romance isn't there. (He does the older brother-like burping and farting thing around me, despite my objections.)

He's not a bad guy. He pays his bills, is nice to other people, respectful to his parents. In many ways I'm lucky. Last week he bought me a food processor, which is great since I cook. He gives me a kiss every morning.

I was hanging out with a male friend of mine who has a chronic illness. The attention he paid me was amazing. He's bright, more tolerant of my hobbies, and affectionate. He is positive despite his struggles. He is attractive and active. My boyfriend says he wants to get in shape but never acts on it.

My boyfriend said we might have sex tonight, but once again, he has a headache when the time comes. It's just frustrating. I'm young, pretty, slender, successful, in shape, have incredibly hot people interested in me, and yet he doesn't care, despite me saying things have to change. Is it all right to just give up? I don't hate him, but I'm sick of rejection. I'm sick of feeling not good enough, of him not caring enough about himself or me to remedy his horrible gas problems, sleep issues, and general poor motivation.

I don't want to be a quitter, but I just don't want to work on this anymore. I've given it a year and nothing has changed. I don't hate him, but I can't be carrying this relationship alone. I can be dating someone like my friend, having fun, being young and enjoying attention, but instead I'm wasting my life in an uneven relationship where I will never get the emotional backing I want. My boyfriend freaks out that I have needs. If I am upset or yell or cry over anything, he does his damnedest to ignore me or shut me up as quickly as possible. I'm just tired of it.

[brandi]

when working out some decisions...

it's not whether
some one is good or bad person,
that is passing judgement
and being subjective.

the true question you should ask is:
does it work for you?
yes or no?
that is objective and being proactive.

ask yourself.
does this work for me?
yes or no.

wishing great things for you...

[Iff]

It seems to me like he is almost trying to push you into leaving him. Maybe you should just ask him if he wants to break up, perhaps this is what he wants.

Other than that, you could give him a deadline to improve something in his behaviour. Ultimatum is an ugly word, but as it seems that he is unable to even have a serious conversation, that might be the only option.

Whatever you choose to do, you should do it now. It is not worth procrastinating on, as you have already spent a year living with this issue. If "dumping" him is what it takes, you do it. It might even shake him up a little.

What brandi said also hits the bullseye.

[StarFish]

Doesn't he know sex is good for a headache? At least that's what I've heard. Anyway, it sounds like it's time to move on to someone who suits you more.

[NotesMaeve]

Thank you, all three of you, especially Starfish on the nagging headache advice.

I think he would rather have things as is than break up, but this just isn't good for me. He's a fabulous person and I don't want to imply otherwise. We talked last night about his depression and again it goes nowhere but straight to promises. I'm giving him the weekend to think on it and then telling him he gets this taken care of or it's over.

[Jenny]

NotesMaeve,
What a difficult situation to be in especially when you still care about him.

Just curious - has he been to see a physician? If he truly is depressed getting him on medication would certainly alleviate many of his symptoms. Also, if depressed he is likely unable to change no matter how bad he wants to or how horrible the repurcussions of not doing so are.

A former co-worker of mine was on the verge of losing his job (poor motivation at work, coming in late, etc) as well as his wife (for similar reasons to the ones you cite) and was finally convinced to see a pychiatrist and was diagnosed with clinical depression and put on meds. It did take approx 5 wks for a significant change but it was impressive. That was several yrs ago and now he is off meds and still married and although no longer working with me in a good position nontheless.

Good luck!

[NotesMaeve]

Thanks, Jenny. He is able to see a doctor and does for the symptoms (poor sleeping, stomach problems, exhaustion), but the depression is a nagging part he won't go for, as he feels there's a stigma against mental illness. There is, absolutely, but it's just not worth him living with crippling pain.

A friend of mine IRL suggested that maybe me leaving is the shock he needs. I'm going to give the relationship three more months, and if he can't manage **** from there, then I feel horrible, but it has to end.

[munish]

Originally Posted by StarFish

Doesn't he know sex is good for a headache? At least that's what I've heard. Anyway, it sounds like it's time to move on to someone who suits you more.

Amazon.com: Hot Plants: Nature's Proven Sex Boosters for Men and Women: Books: Chris Kilham

[Jenny]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Thanks, Jenny. He is able to see a doctor and does for the symptoms (poor sleeping, stomach problems, exhaustion), but the depression is a nagging part he won't go for, as he feels there's a stigma against mental illness. There is, absolutely, but it's just not worth him living with crippling pain.

A friend of mine IRL suggested that maybe me leaving is the shock he needs. I'm going to give the relationship three more months, and if he can't manage **** from there, then I feel horrible, but it has to end.

NotesMaeve,
Here's a very short interview (and link to a book) that might be helpful... MenWeb - Men's Issues: Interview with Terry Real

I think you are very wise to have a timeline for ending your involvement. From what I can see you are a kind person and if you decide to leave it will be done with compassion (and no one could hope for more). How he ultimately reacts is his choice.

[kgiuliani]

Depression (and a lot of mental illnesses) are linked to low magnesium levels. There's a great website here that talks about it:

Rapid Recovery From Depression Using Magnesium Treatment

You could try googling Magnesium & Depression and you'll get numerous studies showing links between the two.

As for medication for depression - I tried it - I had sexual side effects. I'm guessing you don't want to go there!

[NotesMaeve]

Jenny and Kgiuliani,

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I've passed them both on.

It's over for my boyfriend and me. He said he won't change and I can't live on false hope. I plan on moving out in three months.

[Jenny]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

It's over for my boyfriend and me. He said he won't change and I can't live on false hope. I plan on moving out in three months.

Fair enough. It's good he was honest enough to not feed you additional false hope. You will be okay. Is there anyway you can move out faster? Good luck!

[honeybee]

NotesMaeve, I can very much relate to your pain and difficulties. Over the past couple of years, I have been in a very similar situation, although mine gets a bit more complicated--I am married to this man.

Just as a little recap to show the similarities (and some differences) in my own situation: I've been married 5 yrs, together for 3 before that (we met in high school and started dating our senior year). My husband has had a great many life challenges over the years (family crises, job difficulties, anxiety/depression/self-esteem issues), all of which I've been extremely supportive during. But over the last 2 years or so, my own family/school/career situation has gotten much more demanding, and I am finding that it is more difficult to be unconditionally supportive to my husband, and I find him becoming less of a life partner, and more of a burden, or someone I have to watch after. He has had difficulty maintaining a job, and thus we have numerous financial stresses (I am a fulltime student still, done next summer). Unlike NotesMaeve’s boyfriend, my husband has agreed to take medications (started just 5 months ago), which has made a great difference for his own confidence and ability to be functional, but unfortunately, the positive changes I’ve seen in him have done little to rekindle to feelings of passion and partnership that I once held for him. As you might guess, our sex/romantic lives have suffered as well. The painful part for me is that I do genuinely see him as a wonderful person. I see his strengths and the neat person that he is; he is respectful, kind, and genuine. But I just can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m bound to a relationship that feels dead and sucks my energy. Like NotesMaeve, I don’t hate him, and my life is not necessarily that horrible, but the inner parts of me are crying out for more… I am young, and strong, and exciting. I want to be in a partnership where we can grow together in life and neither one is afraid of what the future holds.

While I have been very interested to hear all of the replies to NotesMaeve's situation, I am curious how you all would advise one in a situation where the commitment of marriage alters the parameters... would you give the same advice, or change your reply? Thanks for all your input.

And good luck NotesMaeve on your move. It sounds to me like you are a strong woman, and are making the best decision that you can for you and your future happiness.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Jenny

Fair enough. It's good he was honest enough to not feed you additional false hope. You will be okay. Is there anyway you can move out faster? Good luck!

I would rather not lose my deposit on my apartment now, as well as take some time to browse apartments. It's possible; I just don't see it as fiscally wise. (I work about 50 hour weeks, and now without the relationship can enjoy a more active social life.) I'd like to save up some money for a little extra furniture and for a good place nearer work. (Getting a raise in a few weeks, so the timing is PERFECT for saving.)

Originally Posted by honeybee

...the positive changes I’ve seen in him have done little to rekindle to feelings of passion and partnership that I once held for him. As you might guess, our sex/romantic lives have suffered as well. The painful part for me is that I do genuinely see him as a wonderful person. I see his strengths and the neat person that he is; he is respectful, kind, and genuine. But I just can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m bound to a relationship that feels dead and sucks my energy. Like NotesMaeve, I don’t hate him, and my life is not necessarily that horrible, but the inner parts of me are crying out for more… I am young, and strong, and exciting. I want to be in a partnership where we can grow together in life and neither one is afraid of what the future holds.

(((Honeybee))) I could have written this myself. There comes a real point where it's not enough.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by StarFish

Doesn't he know sex is good for a headache? At least that's what I've heard. Anyway, it sounds like it's time to move on to someone who suits you more.

Sex is good for...

Headaches
Waking up
Going to sleep
Relaxing
Becoming alert
Losing weight

And oh so many more things!

<Grin>

On a more serious note, I believe withdrawing from physical intimacy with a partner is a sign of serious issues. Depression is serious and affects not only the depressed person but family.

What are you willing to accept in this relationship?

What do you desire in a relationship?

I hope you find your solution.

[Christian223]

Add me to the list of incredible hot people interested in you

Seriously though, you are wasting your precious life witha guy like this... sadly, but what can you do?, manipulate him and change him to how you want him to be?, no, you cant, sadly. The best thing you can do is sit with him, be calm, and tell him everything that bothers you, or write him a letter, see if you can work things out together, but this only as a last resort, if this doesnt work, you should really leave him because you are just torturing yourself with him... you know what i think?, you are with him because in some way you are like him, think about it...

Dont waste your life.