Is friendship a committment?

[unique]

hello everyone.i am in a dilemma.rather put myself into this.after seeing a lot of relations die in front of me right from my childhood,both paternal and maternal i looked fwwd to making friends.eventually they went to become one of my life's priorities.but i had set some standards for making friends.friends who would be for me no matter what,who would love and care for my feelings just like their own.where there is no scope for any jealousy or fights.an ideal friendship overall.being an idealistic doesn't help,eh?

but all this seems like an illusion to me.years after years,after meeting so many people,i still feel empty.while i get so emotional about friends,care for them,think of them everyday[don't think there is not single day when i don't think of them or the good times we had or the times they have been with me when i needed them the most or the good things i learnt from them.]i have not got the same kind of response from them.

my idea is not the type that you love your friends only when they are in front of you.throughout my life i have dreamt of having one friend who would be like my soul mate.i never gave up because i am not the ones to give up.i still believe such friendships exist.or is it too much to expect?as years have passed by,my belief is only getting stronger coz of the kind of people i have been attracting into my life.i always kept my eyes and mind open to find that person.they say that u even find god if u God looking for him.is it that difficult to find one friend.

is it that most of us seek friends who are just like us?and is it really so difficult to come across people with similar wavelengths?most of the time,i know a lot about them only coz i made an effort to get to know them and their problems.but the same cannot be said about them.i just don't want to sound like i am someone great or did them a favour.for along time,i tried denying that this was happening to me.

too many questions in my mind at the same time.i get very emotional about my friends especially when they don't make efforts to keep in touch with me.so is it only my requirement?or is it that my priorities are totally wrong?it might sound like i have answers to my own questions.but if it was so simple.

i think it's high time i change this attitude of mine.but my problem is that i love all of them.my feelings for them is really intense.i know this is not good for me.all of them had enough opportunity to make an effort.it's always like "you know us right.we are busy.but that doesn't mean you will not keep in touch."i am just too tired of accepting the same old reasons.recently when i didn't contact one of them for a long time,finally one of them realised that it was very strange that i did not bother to keep in touch.i did mention about how bad i felt at the lack of response.i felt very bad that i had to tell them to make them realise that i do feel bad.for all of them,i come across as someone who is emotionally very strong.funny part is after being with me for a few years,they also know that i am extremely sensitive and care for them like anything.

my point is,is it so difficult for someone to understand other's feelings?even after being together for so many years.i cannot go on telling all these people that i feel bad that they are not making any efforts.i don't think it's that difficult if one really wants to make an effort.it should come from within.and the best part is all of them are really nice people.we have had great times together.been there for each other.and that is why i still want them to be a part of my life.

another thing could be that i have my priorities totally wrong and should stop thinking about wasting my emotions.ultimately i am getting hurt.someone said"you are your highest priority."how do i do this?i am totally clueless.it's just making me go crazy and i really want to do something about it.stop being emotional about friends.it's just too difficult for me to accept that i have been wrong all these years by caring for them so intensely.and i am totally against being diplomatic which is also why i only have a few friends.

all the while,i thought friendship is also a comittment.was i wrong in thinking like that?i have been thinking seriously about making some serious changes in my life.i am looking forward to some serious advices from all of you which would help me make a decision,for the good of all.without hurting anyone.most important, myself!

[Love]

Hi, unique!

So glad to see your post. I bet there are many people who have felt like this, whether in regards to a friend, significant other, parent, etc.

It seems to me that you said this so far:
-It's very important to you that your friends make the effort to keep in contact with you.
-You've already mentioned to your friends that you place on a high importance on their continuing contact with you.

My question:
Do your friends know exactly what staying in contact means to you? In that, ok, staying in contact means you need get an e-mail once a week, or a phone call once a month, etc. Do they know your specifics?

If they do, it seems to me you have two choices.
a) find a way to downgrade the importance to you of keeping in contact
b) find new friends who value keeping in contact

People you share values with are out there. You do have to do some looking, though!

Hope this helps!
Cheers

[NotesMaeve]

When all else fails, meet new people. Humans are everywhere.

[medaille]

I think its important to note that most people at least in the US have very few really deep friends, guys especially. It's not like the old days, where you died living next to the people you were born next to. People move all the time. You combine that with our more solitary lifestyles where we don't know our neighbors, our isolating technologies (like TV and Internet) and lots of time devoted to shallow relationships at work and it all adds up to us having large networks of contacts, but very few honest to god friendships. We're all wounded people that need to protect ourselves from others, we can't expose our vulnerabilities in a way that is necessary for a deep relationship.

I don't have much advice, but here's what I think will help.

When you make friends, make an effort to share yourself on a more intimate level. What are the stories of your past that helped shape who you are today. Share your vulnerabilities and weaknesses, but in a way that doesn't lean on them or expect anything of them. Share your dreams and goals no matter how unachievable they seem. Make an effort to share the real and genuine you, and don't put on a mask like most people do. Most people don't have much practice being intimate, so don't expect them to open up right away but be persistent.

I also think this is a good time to put out an intention for what you want. In my mind this is an easy goal for the universe to help you out with.

Good Luck

[ZHereford]

Learn to be your own best friend first. Develop the qualities in yourself that you would want from a true, long lasting friend. Until you are comfortable with and true to who you are, you can't expect someone else to supply that for you. Be the friend to yourself that you want from others.

[unique]

Originally posted by Medaille
When you make friends, make an effort to share yourself on a more intimate level. What are the stories of your past that helped shape who you are today. Share your vulnerabilities and weaknesses, but in a way that doesn't lean on them or expect anything of them. Share your dreams and goals no matter how unachievable they seem. Make an effort to share the real and genuine you, and don't put on a mask like most people do. Most people don't have much practice being intimate, so don't expect them to open up right away but be persistent.

thanks medaille.this has been my problem so far.finding friends to whom i can open up.sharing my problems has been the biggest problem.would always make me feel vulnerable.i have myself experienced some bad friendships.i wouldn't call them bad,but just that our wavelengths didn't match.

yes,today i am finally making progress to show the real me.even though sometimes i do feel vulnerable.i put on a mask only to avoid getting hurt.but that didn't let my friends share their deepest problems with me.but this is also true that i made an effort to encourage them to talk to me about their prob.no matter how insignificant it was.but today,i am glad i didn't open up and show the real me to some only coz i would have ended up feeling more hurt.

Originally posted by zhereford.
Learn to be your own best friend first. Develop the qualities in yourself that you would want from a true, long lasting friend. Until you are comfortable with and true to who you are, you can't expect someone else to supply that for you. Be the friend to yourself that you want from others.

thanks zhereford.i agree with you.that's what i have tried to be all these years.a true friend.who would be there without even them having to ask for it.this is something i want to be.and that is why i made an effort to understand them and their problems just like my own.i also tried my best to be self-reliant,only coz i wanted to understand myself better even before committing to others.

Originally posted by love
My question:
Do your friends know exactly what staying in contact means to you? In that, ok, staying in contact means you need get an e-mail once a week, or a phone call once a month, etc. Do they know your specifics?

hey love,thanks for your advice.hmmm,i really don't want to have a friendship laid down with conditions.lovingly i always tell them to keep in touch with me on a regular basis.i never set up criteria as to when they should call or email me.but it came to a point where i would be the only one who would be sharing via email or through phone calls.according to them since i moved away,only i could have some new things to share.even replying back to those emails became a difficult thing.to some extent i do understand,when anyone says they are busy or they forget at times.i think they have become used to the fact that i would continue doing this no matter what.whether they reply or not.now,i don't believe in the fact "out of sight,out of mind."

even i am human,even i have the need to feel cared and loved.or should i stop expecting all these.i really have invested a lot of my emotions and precious time in building these relations.and seeing them go down,is doing no good to me.but this also true they are all wonderful people with whom i have shared some wonderful moments.and now,i am wondering whether people's role in our life is limited?is it time to move on?

as far as meeting new people.i am trying my best.i always do.i am not going to give up so easily on the fact that meeting one person who would respond to my emotions like their own is impossible.i believe "anything is possible."

thanks everyone for your wonderful advices.have a good day

[norbert]

Originally Posted by unique

as far as meeting new people.i am trying my best.i always do.i am not going to give up so easily on the fact that meeting one person who would respond to my emotions like their own is impossible.i believe "anything is possible."

Yes, true friendship is the strongest commitment in life.

Never give up mate. Have you seen my posts, blog entries and quotes?

Such friendships do exist. It's the best thing on Earth. Keep looking, don't settle. Or just move closer to me Finally somebody who appreciates friendships as much as I do.

[ZHereford]

Unique, you sound like a good, caring, considerate person. Who wouldn't want you for a friend? As you can see from your replies, you have many friends on these forums. All the best to you!

[unique]

originally posted by nobert.
Yes, true friendship is the strongest commitment in life.

Never give up mate. Have you seen my posts, blog entries and quotes?

Such friendships do exist. It's the best thing on Earth. Keep looking, don't settle. Or just move closer to me Finally somebody who appreciates friendships as much as I do.

thanks,norbert.u just stole my words.friendship is indeed the strongest commitment in life.and i thought i was the only fool.welcome to fool's paradise.

i did look into your posts and quotes.thanks for suggesting,i would have definitely missed some thing had i not read them.still new here.slowly learning about different things.i know such wonderful relations exist.somewhere.but where? i wonder how much more can i keep my eyes open.

i have come close to feeling this commitment.but mostly it has been from my side.friendship is divine for me where u can connect spiritually and bring out the best in each other.i think of my friends as angels sent by god in every stage of my life.only wish that these angels would stay with me throughout.

after coming across a few good people,my belief only gets stronger that one day i will find that "one friend" who will be there for me "no matter what"maybe i could consider your application.thanks anyways,norbert.

[unique]

thanks notesmaeve.it's not about meeting humans but meeting people with similar wavelengths,who share similar values and belief systems.at the same time be considerate enough to care for the other person equally.we are all good in our own eyes.but when it comes to commitment,we all fail somewhere.

i have failed myself a lot of times.so that's y so much efforts into understanding this commitment.