Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

introspective1 · 07-13-2007, 12:58 AM

If you want to end a friendship, but the person you want to end it with keeps calling you, would you just not answer/return their calls or would you come right out and tell the person you don't want to be friends?

Jill · 07-13-2007, 02:21 AM

The honest thing to do is to tell them.

Easier said then done though, I know.

Shamou · 07-13-2007, 02:48 AM

Quote:

Merriam-Webster: Friend - one attached to another by affection or esteem

If we follow that definition... when there is no more affection or esteem, a friendship self-destruct... so you don't have to end it... it is already ended...

What you want to end is the communication... and there two ways of going about this... 1) you can be so rude or unpleasant that the other person will no longer want to contact you... not the best option... or 2) you can tell that person that you are making some changes in your life... and that you wish to be left alone to follow a new path...

Never easy... it makes you out to be the villain...and no one likes to be the villain... however, it's your life... and you should be able to live it the way that you chose...

So, my advice is to tuck it up, suck it in... and tell that person that further communications between you two are no longer welcome...

The very best of luck to you... be strong...

.

introspective1 · 07-13-2007, 03:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shamou

If we follow that definition... when there is no more affection or esteem, a friendship self-destruct... so you don't have to end it... it is already ended...

What you want to end is the communication... and there two ways of going about this... 1) you can be so rude or unpleasant that the other person will no longer want to contact you... not the best option... or 2) you can tell that person that you are making some changes in your life... and that you wish to be left alone to follow a new path...

Never easy... it makes you out to be the villain...and no one likes to be the villain... however, it's your life... and you should be able to live it the way that you chose...

So, my advice is to tuck it up, suck it in... and tell that person that further communications between you two are no longer welcome...

The very best of luck to you... be strong...

.

Thanks..you always give great advice!

Shamou · 07-13-2007, 03:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by introspective1

Thanks..you always give great advice!

Very nice of you to say that... however, try to get my enemies to believe that...

.

Ak47 · 07-13-2007, 06:07 AM

^i'd agree- just come out and tell them

never failed me but once- had this girlfriend who was infatuated with me but she cheated on me and i wouldn't have it... she called me 3x a week for 1.5 years no matter how how i went about talking to her on the phone. i said things such as "i never want to f'in talk to you again" "please don't call me anymore" and even gave her the silent treatment. heck, buddies and i used to even bet with quarters how long she'd stay on the line after i set the phone down- haha- not to mention how long before she'd call back again.

she never did stop until i turned it around, and started being the one calling to harass. haven't talked to her for a couple years now.

C33 · 07-15-2007, 09:52 PM

It is hard to end a friendship, because you don t want to hurt the other person, especially if you have nothing to reproach them.

People change, and hopefully evolve. And sometimes the best of friendships are foreign to the new person you ve become.

I agree with Shamou that the friendship has already disintegrated when you decide to break communication.

I would turn Shamou s sentence around and say that when you desire to break communication, it is a sign that the friendship has or is disintegrated.

Not returning phone calls is an option or pretending to be very busy.

I was of the opinion that someone who has been a good friend deserves an explanation, so they don t feel it is their fault you don t want to see them. However, friends can become bitter enemies when they feel you dropped them:

I told 2 friends of mine I wanted a break from them, and explained why: they ended up talking about me behind my back and saying cruel things.The hurt over being kept at arm length, turned into anger. It can happen.

You should also take into account the people you know in common. Breaking up with one friend might ripple the pond of friendship and affect other friendships. Be prepared for that.

If a friendship becomes draining and unfulfilling, I think one has the right to end it. It's better to part in good terms, than to suffer the friendship too long and part bitterly and angrily.

Good luck to you.

Love · 07-16-2007, 01:48 AM

Introspective, you might try just calling him or her and telling he/she that you would no longer wish to be friends. You can give your reasons (which the other person may argue) but you can firmly state that this is where you are now. I've done exactly such with one of my old friends, and it worked out decently enough.

John Hill · 07-16-2007, 04:57 AM

It might be easier to take your friends next call and without telling them anything on the phone, just set a date and a place to meet them, perhaps at either your place or their place but definitely somewhere private.

When you meet them be straight forward with them by telling them how you feel and that you don't want to be friends and please, no more phone calls. Listen to what they have to say and if you still feel the same way, tell them there and then. When you walk away you will know inside that you ended your friendship in the most decent way possible and then you never have worry about hurting them or being blunt with them again since you told them how you felt, face to face.

John

emeraldbaby · 07-20-2007, 12:51 PM

I have a similar problem with a very negative/draining friend. I don't answer all her calls, or I tell her that I'm too busy to catch up now. It's hard to see someone and have to fake affection when they tire you out.

I do feel a bit guilty, but I know I won't feel good if I 'give up' on her completely. I know her negativity comes from her insecurity, and I don't want to compound it by telling her I don't want to be her friend.

My strategy is to become a strong, warm-hearted person, and when I'm ready to see her, I'll tell her that I'd like to see her realise her potentials and be a happy person, just as I'm trying to do myself, in a compassionate way, leaving the door to friendship open.

I don't know how relevant this is to you. I guess I just want you to be sure because a broken friendship is almost irreversible.

If you're ready to cut all ties (bearing in mind that's a lot harder to reverse), then I think telling your friend honestly and nicely is the way to go.

That's a lot nicer than being one of those 'friends' I have who look/act like they enjoy my company when I invite them out, but don't keep in touch with me and ignore my emails.

JimOfferman · 07-20-2007, 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by emeraldbaby

It's hard to see someone and have to fake affection when they tire you out.

Not to sound too harsh, but I don't see how faking affection can benefit either of you. She won't get anything out of it, because the affection is not real - it's fake, superficial, dishonest even. It won't do you any good either, as maintaining your 'faked attention mask' will drain your energy and bring negativity to your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by emeraldbaby

That's a lot nicer than being one of those 'friends' I have who look/act like they enjoy my company when I invite them out

In a sense, those 'friends' are doing to you what you are doing to your negative friend: faking affection.

The strong and warm-hearted thing to do here is to be honest and tell the truth: if you dislike spending time with your friend because of her negative attitude, tell her. Give her a reason to try to change her attitude and become a better friend to you.

(and, yes, that is easier said than done)

Designer M · 07-20-2007, 03:44 PM

Having been on the receiving end of one of these, I can say that honesty is without a doubt the best policy. Streching things out and not explaining them up-front can cause a lot of bad feeling.

Andrew Brunelle · 07-20-2007, 08:33 PM

You could look at it like a break-up, the ending of a relationship. Just say, it is over and that you're sorry, but you cannot make room for this person in your life anymore.

Lynn 007 · 07-20-2007, 11:24 PM

Honesty is the best policy.

I have a friend I am literally begging to tell me why my phone calls are not being returned or e-mails answered. For 6 years we spoke or saw each daily or if we were really busy once per week but a regular part of each other’s life. Now for the past two years if we see each other once a season that's it. I have asked at least 50 times why are calls not returned or have I done anything to change our friendship. The answer is always "No....really busy with work".

My main concern is depression and suicide is prevalent in his family. Two of his three siblings have successfully committed suicide and he doesn't have a great track record for maintaining friends.

I would give anything to hear a reason why he no longer wants to keep in touch with me. I invested my time and energy into this friendship the least that can happen is I can grow as a person and get some feedback on what changed.

It might not be easy being honest but please let them decide how they want to take the news and don't decide for them.

emeraldbaby · 07-21-2007, 03:56 AM

Hi,

I hope I'm not seen to be hijacking this thread. I do agree with the people who advocate honesty. Especially in the case of Lynn. And Jim, I also don't think it's good to fake affection, so I'm not doing it now. My main point was to advocate diplomatic honesty, i.e. taking into account of the other person's history/motivation etc. (Disclaimer: this applies to people who are just going in a different direction to you, or are stuck in a negative spiral. Not horribly abusive/manipulative people.)

Sometimes when we find other people annoying/draining etc, a lot of times the problem lies within ourselves. Also, people change, constantly (well, the ones with more awareness anyway). From personal experience, I've drifted away from people but then come back to find them changed and wonderful to be with. On the flip side, I'm very grateful to the people who have distanced themselves a bit from me when I was a real horrible person, but came back as a friend, or at least an acquaintance on good terms.

I know I would not be able to talk to people who've said/implied: "you're negative, get out of my life". In fact I'd go into deeper negativity. I don't believe I'm the only person like that.

And if I had severed friendships when I myself was the one feeling bitter and negative, I probably wouldn't have any friends left.

So if Introspective 1, or anyone else for that matter, can phrase the rejection really nicely, that friend who's being dumped may become really grateful and change his/her behaviour, rather then become defensive.

Time for some practical advice: what are some of the things you've said that 'woke a friend up', or got you some space, or terminated a friendship in a nice way?

Red Willow · 07-22-2007, 03:45 AM

I've been in situations like this.

If it were me, I'd probably just not return calls and just right a short email saying how busy I am. They may get the clue or they may just feel like the friendship ran its course.

Although, if that person asked me, I'd tell the truth.

Jill · 07-22-2007, 02:40 PM

Although it's not as mature and appropriate, it may be easier to end the friendship in writing via an email or even a letter.

It's better than lieing, and by saying your busy, you're simply lieing.

JimOfferman · 07-24-2007, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by emeraldbaby

I know I would not be able to talk to people who've said/implied: "you're negative, get out of my life". In fact I'd go into deeper negativity. I don't believe I'm the only person like that.

I'm quite sure that when people shun you because of your negative attitude, it will at first lead to even more negativity in your life. You are, after all, being rejected on the basis of your negativity - how dare they! But, wait... is it really fair of you to expect the 'positive' people, like they are, to act as a sponge for your negativity? Do you really want to be the kind of 'friend' who needs to dump his negativity on others, so he doesn't have to sulk alone...

The rub is this: will you ever start asking yourself these kinds of hard questions, when there's positives around to make your miserable life slightly bearable? Do YOU stand a chance of become a positive as long as your allowed to vent your negativity left and right?

If someone brings too much negativity into your life, the right and ultimately kindest thing to do is to keep your distance until that person has had a chance to resolve his issues. If he comes to you for guidance, give him that. If he comes to you with joy, reward him... when he tries to feed you his negativity, send him on his way to sulk on his own.

I know that last part sounds a bit cold, but it is his life and his responsibility and it is not unreasonable to expect him to take responsibility for it.

deathwing9 · 07-26-2007, 11:39 AM

Call me evil or what ever but this what I did.When I left high school I had 2friends whom Ive known for 8 years and they trused me with there lives. I didnt like them to much cause high school change them for the wrost. I didnt want to tell them I didnt want to be friends anymore soo I made them say it in a matter of speaking. Soo I had some girls come over to my house and I called my friends over and when they were busy making out with thses girls I called there girlfriends. They were so upset they told me they never wanted to see me again. They are still with there girl friends but I made my point clear. I know Im messed up but its how I get thing done.

Boreas · 08-14-2007, 02:10 AM

I am in a similar situation to this. I have an old friend that got married and moved on but still wants to stay in touch. I find nothing in common with him, but feel really guilty if I have to tell him something like that. He is the kind that gets defensive and really tries to convince me that I owe him, or that nothing is really changed.

Eventually I just didn't return his calls, now, 7 months later, I feel really guilty, and just want to call to check up on him. Something tells me that this is the wrong thing to do and that I will regret it, but I just don't know how to assuage the guilt I am feeling. He is a nice guy, our lives just went on different paths.....

Boreas · 08-14-2007, 11:05 PM

Just a quick update on this.

I called the friend and he hardly seemed to notice that it had been 3 years since I called him back. We talked fine, I didn't apologize for not calling. In truth, there was not much to talk about.

He invited me to his house, and then the moment I dread, invited himself over to my place. I had to turn him down. In truth, it was the reason why I never wanted to call. It was really hard to say no, and I put myself down doing it, saying "I am a terrible person". I know I should not have said that, but I did anyway. In any case, I don't believe I am terrible for it.

In the end, it was good to hear from him, and it was good to be able to say no to him inviting himself over. I feel better about the whole thing, and I am glad I can say I called him, instead of just ignoring him for more years.

introspective1 · 08-17-2007, 10:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boreas

Just a quick update on this.

I called the friend and he hardly seemed to notice that it had been 3 years since I called him back. We talked fine, I didn't apologize for not calling. In truth, there was not much to talk about.

He invited me to his house, and then the moment I dread, invited himself over to my place. I had to turn him down. In truth, it was the reason why I never wanted to call. It was really hard to say no, and I put myself down doing it, saying "I am a terrible person". I know I should not have said that, but I did anyway. In any case, I don't believe I am terrible for it.

In the end, it was good to hear from him, and it was good to be able to say no to him inviting himself over. I feel better about the whole thing, and I am glad I can say I called him, instead of just ignoring him for more years.

you didn't do anything terrble...you were being honest by saying "no". I probably wouldn't have been able to do what you have done.

Boreas · 08-18-2007, 12:35 PM

I have to admit that it is not easy...it took me time in my life to say "No, I come first, and I am hurting both sides by just appeasing them when I don't want to".

Practice saying no as often as you want, and good luck with it. It is difficult, but hopefully will get easier each time.

introspective1 · 08-19-2007, 07:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boreas

I have to admit that it is not easy...it took me time in my life to say "No, I come first, and I am hurting both sides by just appeasing them when I don't want to".

Practice saying no as often as you want, and good luck with it. It is difficult, but hopefully will get easier each time.

Thanks...I had a discussion with another friend tonight and I admitted that I have a problem saying no, which gets me sucked into way too many situations I don't care to be in.

Amandaaa · 08-19-2007, 11:40 AM

Quote:

I have a problem saying no, which gets me sucked into way too many situations I don't care to be in.

ditto to that.

i wish that i had some good advice on this topic... but i'm the worst person when it comes to saying no, and confrontations..and stuff like that.

i always end up withdrawing and avoiding the person.

Quote:

Not returning phone calls is an option or pretending to be very busy.

^that seems to be my favorite option.

...but hopefully you can find a way to break it off with this person without hurting their feelings too much.

(just out of curiosity: what is it about this "friendship" that you don't like??)

07-13-2007, 12:58 AM	#1 (permalink)
introspective1 Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Indiana Posts: 93	Ending friendships If you want to end a friendship, but the person you want to end it with keeps calling you, would you just not answer/return their calls or would you come right out and tell the person you don't want to be friends?

07-21-2007, 03:56 AM	#15 (permalink)
emeraldbaby Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 37	practical advice on what to say? Hi, I hope I'm not seen to be hijacking this thread. I do agree with the people who advocate honesty. Especially in the case of Lynn. And Jim, I also don't think it's good to fake affection, so I'm not doing it now. My main point was to advocate diplomatic honesty, i.e. taking into account of the other person's history/motivation etc. (Disclaimer: this applies to people who are just going in a different direction to you, or are stuck in a negative spiral. Not horribly abusive/manipulative people.) Sometimes when we find other people annoying/draining etc, a lot of times the problem lies within ourselves. Also, people change, constantly (well, the ones with more awareness anyway). From personal experience, I've drifted away from people but then come back to find them changed and wonderful to be with. On the flip side, I'm very grateful to the people who have distanced themselves a bit from me when I was a real horrible person, but came back as a friend, or at least an acquaintance on good terms. I know I would not be able to talk to people who've said/implied: "you're negative, get out of my life". In fact I'd go into deeper negativity. I don't believe I'm the only person like that. And if I had severed friendships when I myself was the one feeling bitter and negative, I probably wouldn't have any friends left. So if Introspective 1, or anyone else for that matter, can phrase the rejection really nicely, that friend who's being dumped may become really grateful and change his/her behaviour, rather then become defensive. Time for some practical advice: what are some of the things you've said that 'woke a friend up', or got you some space, or terminated a friendship in a nice way?

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07-13-2007, 02:21 AM	#2 (permalink)
Jill Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Ashland, MA Posts: 481	The honest thing to do is to tell them. Easier said then done though, I know.

07-13-2007, 06:07 AM	#6 (permalink)
Ak47 Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 142	^i'd agree- just come out and tell them never failed me but once- had this girlfriend who was infatuated with me but she cheated on me and i wouldn't have it... she called me 3x a week for 1.5 years no matter how how i went about talking to her on the phone. i said things such as "i never want to f'in talk to you again" "please don't call me anymore" and even gave her the silent treatment. heck, buddies and i used to even bet with quarters how long she'd stay on the line after i set the phone down- haha- not to mention how long before she'd call back again. she never did stop until i turned it around, and started being the one calling to harass. haven't talked to her for a couple years now.

07-15-2007, 09:52 PM	#7 (permalink)
C33 Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 623	It is hard to end a friendship, because you don t want to hurt the other person, especially if you have nothing to reproach them. People change, and hopefully evolve. And sometimes the best of friendships are foreign to the new person you ve become. I agree with Shamou that the friendship has already disintegrated when you decide to break communication. I would turn Shamou s sentence around and say that when you desire to break communication, it is a sign that the friendship has or is disintegrated. Not returning phone calls is an option or pretending to be very busy. I was of the opinion that someone who has been a good friend deserves an explanation, so they don t feel it is their fault you don t want to see them. However, friends can become bitter enemies when they feel you dropped them: I told 2 friends of mine I wanted a break from them, and explained why: they ended up talking about me behind my back and saying cruel things.The hurt over being kept at arm length, turned into anger. It can happen. You should also take into account the people you know in common. Breaking up with one friend might ripple the pond of friendship and affect other friendships. Be prepared for that. If a friendship becomes draining and unfulfilling, I think one has the right to end it. It's better to part in good terms, than to suffer the friendship too long and part bitterly and angrily. Good luck to you.

07-16-2007, 01:48 AM	#8 (permalink)
Love Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 513	Introspective, you might try just calling him or her and telling he/she that you would no longer wish to be friends. You can give your reasons (which the other person may argue) but you can firmly state that this is where you are now. I've done exactly such with one of my old friends, and it worked out decently enough.

07-16-2007, 04:57 AM	#9 (permalink)
John Hill Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 241	It might be easier to take your friends next call and without telling them anything on the phone, just set a date and a place to meet them, perhaps at either your place or their place but definitely somewhere private. When you meet them be straight forward with them by telling them how you feel and that you don't want to be friends and please, no more phone calls. Listen to what they have to say and if you still feel the same way, tell them there and then. When you walk away you will know inside that you ended your friendship in the most decent way possible and then you never have worry about hurting them or being blunt with them again since you told them how you felt, face to face. John

07-20-2007, 12:51 PM	#10 (permalink)
emeraldbaby Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 37	I have a similar problem with a very negative/draining friend. I don't answer all her calls, or I tell her that I'm too busy to catch up now. It's hard to see someone and have to fake affection when they tire you out. I do feel a bit guilty, but I know I won't feel good if I 'give up' on her completely. I know her negativity comes from her insecurity, and I don't want to compound it by telling her I don't want to be her friend. My strategy is to become a strong, warm-hearted person, and when I'm ready to see her, I'll tell her that I'd like to see her realise her potentials and be a happy person, just as I'm trying to do myself, in a compassionate way, leaving the door to friendship open. I don't know how relevant this is to you. I guess I just want you to be sure because a broken friendship is almost irreversible. If you're ready to cut all ties (bearing in mind that's a lot harder to reverse), then I think telling your friend honestly and nicely is the way to go. That's a lot nicer than being one of those 'friends' I have who look/act like they enjoy my company when I invite them out, but don't keep in touch with me and ignore my emails.

07-20-2007, 03:44 PM	#12 (permalink)
Designer M Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 12	Having been on the receiving end of one of these, I can say that honesty is without a doubt the best policy. Streching things out and not explaining them up-front can cause a lot of bad feeling.

07-20-2007, 08:33 PM	#13 (permalink)
Andrew Brunelle Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Home Posts: 2,578	You could look at it like a break-up, the ending of a relationship. Just say, it is over and that you're sorry, but you cannot make room for this person in your life anymore.

07-20-2007, 11:24 PM	#14 (permalink)
Lynn 007 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 367	Honesty is the best policy. I have a friend I am literally begging to tell me why my phone calls are not being returned or e-mails answered. For 6 years we spoke or saw each daily or if we were really busy once per week but a regular part of each other’s life. Now for the past two years if we see each other once a season that's it. I have asked at least 50 times why are calls not returned or have I done anything to change our friendship. The answer is always "No....really busy with work". My main concern is depression and suicide is prevalent in his family. Two of his three siblings have successfully committed suicide and he doesn't have a great track record for maintaining friends. I would give anything to hear a reason why he no longer wants to keep in touch with me. I invested my time and energy into this friendship the least that can happen is I can grow as a person and get some feedback on what changed. It might not be easy being honest but please let them decide how they want to take the news and don't decide for them.

07-22-2007, 03:45 AM	#16 (permalink)
Red Willow Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 120	I've been in situations like this. If it were me, I'd probably just not return calls and just right a short email saying how busy I am. They may get the clue or they may just feel like the friendship ran its course. Although, if that person asked me, I'd tell the truth.

07-22-2007, 02:40 PM	#17 (permalink)
Jill Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Ashland, MA Posts: 481	Although it's not as mature and appropriate, it may be easier to end the friendship in writing via an email or even a letter. It's better than lieing, and by saying your busy, you're simply lieing.

07-26-2007, 11:39 AM	#19 (permalink)
deathwing9 Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 13	Call me evil or what ever but this what I did.When I left high school I had 2friends whom Ive known for 8 years and they trused me with there lives. I didnt like them to much cause high school change them for the wrost. I didnt want to tell them I didnt want to be friends anymore soo I made them say it in a matter of speaking. Soo I had some girls come over to my house and I called my friends over and when they were busy making out with thses girls I called there girlfriends. They were so upset they told me they never wanted to see me again. They are still with there girl friends but I made my point clear. I know Im messed up but its how I get thing done.

08-14-2007, 02:10 AM	#20 (permalink)
Boreas Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: San Francisco, CA Posts: 353	I am in a similar situation to this. I have an old friend that got married and moved on but still wants to stay in touch. I find nothing in common with him, but feel really guilty if I have to tell him something like that. He is the kind that gets defensive and really tries to convince me that I owe him, or that nothing is really changed. Eventually I just didn't return his calls, now, 7 months later, I feel really guilty, and just want to call to check up on him. Something tells me that this is the wrong thing to do and that I will regret it, but I just don't know how to assuage the guilt I am feeling. He is a nice guy, our lives just went on different paths.....

08-14-2007, 11:05 PM	#21 (permalink)
Boreas Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: San Francisco, CA Posts: 353	Just a quick update on this. I called the friend and he hardly seemed to notice that it had been 3 years since I called him back. We talked fine, I didn't apologize for not calling. In truth, there was not much to talk about. He invited me to his house, and then the moment I dread, invited himself over to my place. I had to turn him down. In truth, it was the reason why I never wanted to call. It was really hard to say no, and I put myself down doing it, saying "I am a terrible person". I know I should not have said that, but I did anyway. In any case, I don't believe I am terrible for it. In the end, it was good to hear from him, and it was good to be able to say no to him inviting himself over. I feel better about the whole thing, and I am glad I can say I called him, instead of just ignoring him for more years.

08-18-2007, 12:35 PM	#23 (permalink)
Boreas Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: San Francisco, CA Posts: 353	I have to admit that it is not easy...it took me time in my life to say "No, I come first, and I am hurting both sides by just appeasing them when I don't want to". Practice saying no as often as you want, and good luck with it. It is difficult, but hopefully will get easier each time.

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