Shut up already (I said to myself)!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Okay, here's one that could probably be cross-posted. Maybe it's more about emotional mastery or personal effectiveness...who knows?

Have any of you tried to go from being a talker to a more quiet person?

To explain, my mom is one of those people who sometimes just bugs the crap out of you by talking to you when you just want some peace and quiet. Or keeps asking you what's wrong when you clearly don't want to talk about it (and when I say clearly, I mean you've said it repeatedly). She takes forever to tell a story and leaves really long messages on voicemail. Sometimes she says stuff that makes me cringe or gets kind of rude with servers in restaurants, etc... I have nothing but love for my mom. I just can't stand this little thing...it's like Bridget Jones - just always talking too much and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time...well, maybe not quite that bad, but you get the picture. I am sure lots of people get embarrased by stuff their parents do, however...

I have noticed that I do the same thing considering how much I loathe these traits in her (damn reflections!). I have seen people give me the same look I give her, but sometimes I can't seem to stop myself. And I have had some people tell me that I am like her (and they mean in the not so great sense - the annoying one).

In fact, I am sure a few of you can attest to my rambling and probably inappropriate use of your time on my problems. For instance, "oh, well when that happened to me" or "I know what you mean, when I did the same thing" blah, blah, blah.

So how do you get yourself to stop and think before you speak? I've been trying and noticed a few instances where I just told myself to shut the *bleep* up...with some success. But I don't want to be one of those people who half-listens to someone all the while formulating what I am going to say next...and that's what I am right now . *shudders* I am one of those people. Help me, please. Thank you.

[munish]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

So how do you get yourself to stop and think before you speak?

Have you read this?


So if I believe in a subjective universe, how would that affect my behavior in dealing with others?

YOU stop thinking of yourself as an individual human being entirely. Your body is a projection of your thoughts, just like everything else you’ve manifested.

You will find your life becoming easier and easier. You will become increasingly enthusiastic and excited about life. When you fear nothing, you are free, regardless of circumstances.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ve-reality-qa/

[Andrew Brunelle]

Take a vow of silence for a week, or even a day. You'll learn how to listen much better. He who listens more and speaks less is someone who will become wise. By taking a vow of silence, you will no longer be waiting for your turn to speak, but just listening. It worked for me, and it can work for you.

[Iff]

I can tell you about a related problem I sometimes have... you can just interrupt me if this doesn't help you. I usually can go through both extremes during one conversation - where I talk way too much and where I can't think of a single thing to say. To avoid that, I came up with a rather down-to-earth solution - I try to catch myself going all preacher on the other person and form a sort of queue out of all the things I want to talk about. Then I can just relax and speak in a manner that still has clarity, pronunciation and speed that makes it understandable to another human being, who can also say something in between my ramblings. And some subjects I can leave for the next "awkward silence". It's a great way to train one's memory, I might add.

Or, another way, although harder to control - sometimes I can make a too dumb / too complex joke that no one around me understands. Two of those and the confused faces around me remove all urge to say anything else for the next hour.

[Iksander]

People are noticeable when they are talking, people are not noticeable when they are quiet. It depends on your state of mind while being quiet, or loud, as well. I have a large energy, so I generally stand out to people even when I am quiet; but I am rarely the focus of a group because I simply don't talk much.

When I am passionate about something, I can talk alot - while I am talking the words seem worth while and also appear to be interesting to other people.

You are either quiet and timid about talking, quiet and confident about talking, loud and timid about talking, or loud and confident about talking.

Not sure how you can train that though (I have been like that since I can remember) - mostly just with affirmations I would think, and practicing not saying much around people. Don't be surprised though if you are not the focus of people's attention.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts so far. Your advice makes good sense to me. Andrew, that sounds like torture, but I will give it a shot.

I am not uncomfortable being the focus of attention if I am talking about something worthwhile. I am also very comfortable just being in the background. The problem arises when I am the center of attention for being annoying or talking too much.

When 3 people call you an ass, buy a saddle.

My goal is to be more present to conversations, listen to other people without just thinking of what I will say next, breathing and responding thoughtfully instead of reacting.

Thanks. And I will look forward to some more advice.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Andrew Brunelle

Take a vow of silence for a week, or even a day.

Yep, I second this. After cultivating silence, I'm much more able to be present with people. Thich Nhat Hanh had some great writing on deep listening, which is one of the Buddhist precepts... I can't remember which book it's in, but I bet if you googled "deep listening, Thich Nhat Hanh" it would come up. I remember something in there where he basically said if you aren't quiet inside, if you have a lot of suffering going on inside you, you'll find it more difficult to truly listen to others. So, like everything else, the answer is to work toward inner peace...