Shut up already (I said to myself)!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Okay, here's one that could probably be cross-posted. Maybe it's more about emotional mastery or personal effectiveness...who knows?

Have any of you tried to go from being a talker to a more quiet person?

To explain, my mom is one of those people who sometimes just bugs the crap out of you by talking to you when you just want some peace and quiet. Or keeps asking you what's wrong when you clearly don't want to talk about it (and when I say clearly, I mean you've said it repeatedly). She takes forever to tell a story and leaves really long messages on voicemail. Sometimes she says stuff that makes me cringe or gets kind of rude with servers in restaurants, etc... I have nothing but love for my mom. I just can't stand this little thing...it's like Bridget Jones - just always talking too much and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time...well, maybe not quite that bad, but you get the picture. I am sure lots of people get embarrased by stuff their parents do, however...

I have noticed that I do the same thing considering how much I loathe these traits in her (damn reflections!). I have seen people give me the same look I give her, but sometimes I can't seem to stop myself. And I have had some people tell me that I am like her (and they mean in the not so great sense - the annoying one).

In fact, I am sure a few of you can attest to my rambling and probably inappropriate use of your time on my problems. For instance, "oh, well when that happened to me" or "I know what you mean, when I did the same thing" blah, blah, blah.

So how do you get yourself to stop and think before you speak? I've been trying and noticed a few instances where I just told myself to shut the *bleep* up...with some success. But I don't want to be one of those people who half-listens to someone all the while formulating what I am going to say next...and that's what I am right now . *shudders* I am one of those people. Help me, please. Thank you.

[munish]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

So how do you get yourself to stop and think before you speak?

Have you read this?


So if I believe in a subjective universe, how would that affect my behavior in dealing with others?

YOU stop thinking of yourself as an individual human being entirely. Your body is a projection of your thoughts, just like everything else you’ve manifested.

You will find your life becoming easier and easier. You will become increasingly enthusiastic and excited about life. When you fear nothing, you are free, regardless of circumstances.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ve-reality-qa/

[Andrew Brunelle]

Take a vow of silence for a week, or even a day. You'll learn how to listen much better. He who listens more and speaks less is someone who will become wise. By taking a vow of silence, you will no longer be waiting for your turn to speak, but just listening. It worked for me, and it can work for you.

[Iff]

I can tell you about a related problem I sometimes have... you can just interrupt me if this doesn't help you. I usually can go through both extremes during one conversation - where I talk way too much and where I can't think of a single thing to say. To avoid that, I came up with a rather down-to-earth solution - I try to catch myself going all preacher on the other person and form a sort of queue out of all the things I want to talk about. Then I can just relax and speak in a manner that still has clarity, pronunciation and speed that makes it understandable to another human being, who can also say something in between my ramblings. And some subjects I can leave for the next "awkward silence". It's a great way to train one's memory, I might add.

Or, another way, although harder to control - sometimes I can make a too dumb / too complex joke that no one around me understands. Two of those and the confused faces around me remove all urge to say anything else for the next hour.

[Iksander]

People are noticeable when they are talking, people are not noticeable when they are quiet. It depends on your state of mind while being quiet, or loud, as well. I have a large energy, so I generally stand out to people even when I am quiet; but I am rarely the focus of a group because I simply don't talk much.

When I am passionate about something, I can talk alot - while I am talking the words seem worth while and also appear to be interesting to other people.

You are either quiet and timid about talking, quiet and confident about talking, loud and timid about talking, or loud and confident about talking.

Not sure how you can train that though (I have been like that since I can remember) - mostly just with affirmations I would think, and practicing not saying much around people. Don't be surprised though if you are not the focus of people's attention.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts so far. Your advice makes good sense to me. Andrew, that sounds like torture, but I will give it a shot.

I am not uncomfortable being the focus of attention if I am talking about something worthwhile. I am also very comfortable just being in the background. The problem arises when I am the center of attention for being annoying or talking too much.

When 3 people call you an ass, buy a saddle.

My goal is to be more present to conversations, listen to other people without just thinking of what I will say next, breathing and responding thoughtfully instead of reacting.

Thanks. And I will look forward to some more advice.

[Freelancer]

What helps for me is thinking in terms of;
What message am I trying to convey and how will that help the OTHER person.

Other than that listen to other people trying to figure out as much information as possible through questions and carefull listening. I make it a bit of a game and still find it amazing the little tidbits of important imformation people share in regular conversations.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Freelancer. Listening with intent to learn something about the other person would have the added benefit of keeping me a little quieter. When I have listened intently (I've been practicing for a couple days) I have noticed some deeper little tidbits mixed in with the mundane and casual.

[Matthew Shea]

I like what Freelancer has to say and I strive for that myself. It helps give direction to the old adage "think before you speak." I also try to be aware of any extraneous messages I might be sending unintentionally and will either construct my wording or make statements to avoid conveying an unintended impression.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Matthew. "Think before you speak" is akin to the focus I want where I don't react off the cuff so much. I would like to be more thoughtful in my responses. I don't feel like I am one of those people who says something just to hear themselves talking, but I could be perceived that way. It's easier to send unintended messages when you just say the first thing that pops into your head. Spontinaity is great, but I think sometimes a little more effort is in order.

[torilink]

these are ego traits and that is why it makes you bonkers when you see it in your mom.

All I can say is that as long as you focus on it, it will exist either within you or projected out in the form of another.

So what if people look at you funny. So what if you talk a blue streak? So what if you are vital and full of life? So what if your mom is like that? I dislike being around others or in situations which make me feel I'm walking on eggshells and cannot behave as myself. For some reason you are judging your mother and yourself extremely harsh and wanting you & she to stifle yourselves.

Personally, I love being around people who are like that, so open, honest, and refreshingly alive (provided they aren't cussing, jumping on tables and acting crass). I say stop judging yourself and your mom and refocus on the things about her and yourself that you value and love.

sorry if this didn't help much.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Andrew Brunelle

Take a vow of silence for a week, or even a day.

Yep, I second this. After cultivating silence, I'm much more able to be present with people. Thich Nhat Hanh had some great writing on deep listening, which is one of the Buddhist precepts... I can't remember which book it's in, but I bet if you googled "deep listening, Thich Nhat Hanh" it would come up. I remember something in there where he basically said if you aren't quiet inside, if you have a lot of suffering going on inside you, you'll find it more difficult to truly listen to others. So, like everything else, the answer is to work toward inner peace...

[Iff]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Thanks, Freelancer. Listening with intent to learn something about the other person would have the added benefit of keeping me a little quieter. When I have listened intently (I've been practicing for a couple days) I have noticed some deeper little tidbits mixed in with the mundane and casual.

Reading a bit more about your issue, there seems to be two main things you should watch for - try not to interrupt anyone in the middle of a word / thought and insert a little pause every now and then while speaking, so others who might want to say something can politely step in. If you can do that, I see no reason why someone should look at you funny.

[ZHereford]

Aspiring, even though you have no trouble expressing yourself, bringing up topics and being very active in these forums, you are polite, you listen to people and you acknowledge everyone's comments. That makes you considerate and respectful of others. What's wrong with that!!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I will try to reply to each:

@ torilink - I completely see what you mean and do agree that I should not judge myself or my mother for our natural exhuberance. However, in myself at least I find that the way I have been acting precludes real communication. I will accept myself for who I am, but I also want to improve. I should state that it's not just other people's opinions of me that have caused me to feel this way. I see them as a mirror, showing me things that I may have ignored otherwise. I do not mean that I should bite my tongue or walk on eggshells, merely that I should be more present in conversation. I am judging too harshly and I will remember what you said about my focus. It's true I am perpetuating it. Thank you!

@ carenkh - I will look for that information. You've kind of hit something that I think is very relevant and important...the storm inside kind of thing. I do have a lot going on inside which I would like to be at peace with and make quiet. A step in the right direction...thank you!

@ Iff - Taking pauses should have a good effect since it will give me time to respond rather than react and leave space for silence or for someone else to get a word in edgewise. Thank you!

And last but never least, @ Z - Z, my old friend, you have seen the crazy girl. She's the one I want to calm down a little. I thank you for your kindness (I never expect anything less) and I will try not to be so hard on myself. You are very sweet to me. Thank you!

I have had the opportunity to practice a little silence when I would have otherwise ranted or babbled or etc. and it's been eye opening. The things you notice when you aren't talking....

Thanks again to everyone.

[Ihavenoidea]

Just make her proud, send her some flowers and hallmark card when she is at work. Works well with my mom.


Reminds me when my brother and I used to do this when we were kids.
Used to scare the life out of her or did something that angered her so much that she was actually quiet for most of that day. Which, in turn, made us happy.

And probably dysfunctional way of quieting her now that I look back on it.

[carenkh]

Got this today from Cheri Huber's Daily Peace Quotes:

Silence is Golden; it has divine power and immense energy. Try to pay more attention to the silence than to the sounds. Paying attention to outer silence creates inner silence: the mind becomes still. Every sound is born out of silence, dies back into silence, and during its life span is surrounded by silence. Silence enables the sound to be. It is an intrinsic but unmanifested part of every sound, every musical note, every song, and every word. The unmanifested is present in this world as silence. All you have to do is pay attention to it.

- Eckhart Tolle

I *love* "the unmanifested is present in this world as silence".

[XeutonMojukai]

My childhood was one of no inhibition except that which I gave myself using hard work.

I know exactly what it's like to be unable to keep your mouth shut.

Learning to be quiet when necessary requires the following things:

1) Patience
2) Perseverance
3) Self-awareness
4) Courage
5) Faith
6) Practice

Just develop those things as high as you can, and the proper method *for you* will fall into place, or my name's not David Coldren.

~ David Coldren

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, carenkh. That's a fantastic quote!

Ihavenoidea - I will take that into consideration .

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, David. Good advice.