"you're it" vs "you're the one"...

[cbreeze]

Although it doesn't obsess me, I sometimes wonder what my BF means when he looks at me and says "I'm it". I want to hear him say "you're the one". Will soup up my intentions and positive projections, but, I'm just curious how you ladies/guys interpret this.

[Angela]

Why don't you ask him?

[Ak47]

^i'm sure a provolked answer wouldn't be the same as a surprising statement, although the words may be the same.

from knowing nothing else about your boyfriend- he sounds self-centered and conceited (no offense to you, of course), so i wouldn't expect a compliment before an embellishment of himself.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Ak47

... he sounds self-centered and conceited (no offense to you, of course), so i wouldn't expect a compliment before an embellishment of himself.

Ak47, I'm wondering how you extracted that from Annah's post?

Annah, I think people do a lot of waiting around for answers in relationships, and they think communication should be intuitive -- "if he LOVED me, he'd know what I need to hear!" I believe that there is a certain amount of intuition in a relationship, but a lot of it is built over time and is based on real, out-loud communication.

I think that one of the most generous things a woman can do in a relationship is to let her man know what he can do to make her happy. I think most men really WANT to make their woman happy, but spend a lot of time floundering around, clueless, hoping they guess correctly. Why not give him a treasure map? (which is not the same, by the way, as demanding or provoking. I'm talking about an act of generosity, not dictatorship.)

[cbreeze]

Thanks for your response Angela! Unfortunately tho, Ak47 isn't far off either.

[Max Power]

Originally Posted by annah

Although it doesn't obsess me, I sometimes wonder what my BF means when he looks at me and says "I'm it". I want to hear him say "you're the one". Will soup up my intentions and positive projections, but, I'm just curious how you ladies/guys interpret this.

Angie's right, just ask him exactly what you're asking us. It could be as simple as the wrong words he's using to mean what you want to hear or the whole meaning could be different.

He knows what he means.

If you don't want to ask, just choose for him to say the right words. I made my partner say dog and a person's name just by choosing it. Although when I choose for my partner to say purple, it took longer and someone else said it, but it was all in my awareness so it's all good

Kooky
Max

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

What Angela and Max said is right on. Sometimes guys are just clueless as to what it is that would make you happy even if they really want to do so. Women are better 'mind readers' and I think we tend to expect everyone to be as intuitive. I am sure there are some men out there who are better at this than others, but I'm generalizing. Positive reinforcement usually works well..."I really like it when..." as does simply letting them know what you need from them. When you realize that a lot of these things are not done out of spite, but simply out of ignorance (for lack of a better term...someone help me out) it makes it a lot easier to accept and assert what you want (in a loving way of course...nagging certainly won't help).

How would it feel to let go of the idea that if he loved you he would do or say 'x'?

I am not saying he's a prince...we don't know the whole story. But that's just some stuff to think about.

[Freelancer]

but simply out of ignorance (for lack of a better term...someone help me out) it makes it a lot easier to accept and assert what you want (in a loving way of course...nagging certainly won't help).

How about stupidity?

Most males (me including) are pretty stupid in regards to social interactions...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hehe, Freelancer. I just thought that might sound a little harsh. I don't think guys are ignorant as in stupid when it comes to communication...maybe the term is inexperienced. However I have known some guys who do exceptionally well at it. I don't want to offend anyone, but I do think most people can see that men and women are definitely different in this area and sometimes it takes effort to get to where we can understand each other.

I am sure you are being too hard on yourself...

[cbreeze]

Yah, well, it's awkward to ask him this kind of question. in a quandry since he said it three times.... always, honey, you're "it". uh uh, the romantic (insecure/cautious) wants to hear, honey, you're the one. No big deal, but I guess i'm making it one, eh? He nor I drink, so, can't just fumble words around in gest - and am not that annoyed - yet.... just wanted to vent and ask an unbiased smart group of ppl - hey, thx for bothering to respond!

[Angela]

How long have you been going out with him? Have you had "the talk" yet?

[elainevdw]

Grammatically speaking, "it" is a pronoun, so he could very well mean "You're the one," but as a man of few words, decided to shorten it to two syllables instead of three.

Or, maybe he thinks saying "You're the one" is extremely corny, so he vagues it up a bit to avoid sounding like a total cheeseball. Some guys are like that.

Also, while I wouldn't say guys are "stupid," they do communicate differently. Sometimes a girl will read into something (especially when it involves specific wording -- women are verbal creatures) when a guy means nothing at all.

For example, you probably translate "You're it" as "You're the only option I have." For example: "I'll take it" e.g. "That's the last one you have? I'll take it, even though it's not exactly what I wanted." Or maybe you think he's afraid to quantify what "it" is, so you assume he's purposefully being vague so as not to commit to anything between you two. Either way, "You're it" sounds very unsentimental to you.

What if he means that you're It, with a capital-I? Maybe it's an idea that's so complicated it's just easier for him not to name It. Maybe It is what you would call The One.

You CAN ask him what he means by "it," but if he's anything like my bf, he won't really be able to explain it without going through a lot of mental effort, so he'll just say, "I don't know. 'You're it.' What do you think it means?"

On a side note, I'm not sure it's smart to have too many sentimental expectations for your significant other. He will show you how important you are to him in his own unique way. And if you think about it, if his way of saying "I love you and want to spend my life with you" is making you his special Kraft Mac 'n Cheese recipe with bacon bits and liquid smoke and watching Law & Order reruns ... it's probably much more sincere than if he went Hallmark on your booty and busted out the roses and champagne. Even though any girl would tell you that the roses and champagne are MUCH more romantic.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

He will show you how important you are to him in his own unique way. And if you think about it, if his way of saying "I love you and want to spend my life with you" is making you his special Kraft Mac 'n Cheese recipe with bacon bits and liquid smoke and watching Law & Order reruns ... it's probably much more sincere than if he went Hallmark on your booty and busted out the roses and champagne. Even though any girl would tell you that the roses and champagne are MUCH more romantic.

That is very true. We all give and receive love in different ways. I would personally take the Mac 'n Cheese and Law and Order (SVU) over roses and champagne any day. Some people need physical affection (me, me, right here), others can do without much. Some people like to be told outright what the other is feeling, some don't need that. Many people like gifts or want you to do things for them (like pick up your dirty socks or wash your car) while others don't care about that at all.

I guess what I am trying to say is just a repeat of what elainevdw said quite well already: him saying 'you're it' may be really fantastic to him. I can definitely see where it doesn't seem that way to you. Analyzing word choice and the weird actions of guys is a sure way to drive yourself insane. Men and women just don't think about things the same way.

[medaille]

I'm a guy. I don't think I could ever say, "You're the one." To me that is cheesy and insincere. It sounds like it came from a movie script or something. I would much rather have it come out in my own words, then just reiterating what I saw on the last romantic comedy I saw. I would react the same way as I would if someone says, "show me the money" or "you complete me (with matching hand signals)."

I would just interpret what he said as him calling you it (as in the IT seen in the fashion or business worlds where IT is the only thing that matters).

Instead of focusing on how he isn't conforming to your every desire (most of which are completely invisible to everyone but you) why not focus on all the nice things that he does that are genuine of him and how he feels for you. You are going to go crazy if you expect him to be able to read your mind.

[cbreeze]

Yep guys 'n gals..... HE's definitely not either 'it' or 'the one' as we've split up for good. gotta attract what he/I are not in this 'relationship'. He went dark on me. Need to live alone for awhile to decompress and get rid of all this negatively charged funk. I wonder if all this emotional crap ppl I know, myself included is part 'n parcel of the shift inconsiousness. Yah, living can sometimes be hard. Loving harder.

[XeutonMojukai]

Just concentrate on what you want and deserve, not what you always seem to get.

I have found myself doing that, and the effect is fascinating...

~ David

[elainevdw]

Oh annah, I'm so sorry to hear that your relationship went south... But don't worry, you'll be through the worst of it soon, and then you get to look forward to somebody way more awesome than Mr. It!