Making Friends

[Ak47]

Here's the dealio. I'm not comfortable giving my age here- but i'm an adult- just a reasonably young one.

After a little while deliberating after high school i've decided to go to college- going this fall, but i'm not there yet. I also started college last fall, but withdrew for personal reasons.

To sum it up- i wasted my youth... doing things i shouldn't have been doing, and making friends i shouldn't have been making- with ideals that were not such a healthy structure for friendships.

I'm drug free. I don't party. MOST people my age are not the first, and do the second.

So, i'm entirely inexperienced in making friends without partying. Actually, i have ZERO experience in that area. I moved away from my hometown to keep out of trouble, in the new city, which i've been in for a long while now, i've not made any friends, but one girlfriend whom i'm still dating. My girlfriend is a good girl, not a bad influence on me at all, however, also has no friends really. Nor can assist me in making friends.

Also- i have little money to join a group, or find a popular hobby to get into (most are expensive). I've always been a very social person, but i've been a loner for a very long time now. Part out of the fact that i'm unlike those on the party scene (whom don't trust me because i don't party- and i'm also uncomfortable being around), but i'm still very unlike those who have never done anything wrong at the same time (who don't share the same life-oriented views and understandings that i do).

Suggestions?

[Michael Chui]

Most of my best friends have come from chatting to people before or after class. My first college friend... I met him when I decided to get to my first class early. Very early.

He was the second person there.

Group assignments are effective ways to test someone out to see whether or not they're agreeable. And after you finish the assignment, you can always go out for a drink or a meal or a movie or whatever.

[JimC]

I'm in the same boat as you. I find the above post works well. You could also try checking out the "groups" section at craigslist or some other "meet up" sites once in a while. Sometimes there are some interesting local groups that you could check out, and they usually don't charge.

[norbert]

I think making friends is either about having a common interest or you both need to have this weird feeling that you absolutely have to get to know each other.

I think the latter leads to the most awesome friendships because you have this sincere interest in the other so you start transforming each other and gonna share lots of common interests very soon.

Until you bump into a person like that (which is a once in a lifetime thingie in my opinion) I'd suggest that you start a hobby. You don't need to have money. You've got a PC, don't you? That's hundreds of possible hobbies. Make it public (join online groups) and let others find you.

Don't go to parties if you don't want and don't do drugs either. Be true to yourself.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by JimC

I'm in the same boat as you. I find the above post works well. You could also try checking out the "groups" section at craigslist or some other "meet up" sites once in a while. Sometimes there are some interesting local groups that you could check out, and they usually don't charge.

Oh yes, I did forget: most departments I'm familiar with usually have a student group in charge of social life, professional connections, etc. They're understandably bidden to create situations to meet people, so this might be a way to party without partying, in a sense. Poke around, explore, walk up to strangers, trust yourself.

[Ak47]

Well, a big issue is that, although i'm quite outspoken. I've developed somewhat of a social anxiety from being unexposed to peers/other people for a reletively long while...

Conciously, i don't really fear rejection- i've always been more the type that just says "well, if you don't like me, or the things i do, that's your problem." Still- i'm uncomfortable meeting new people without having those whom i already know present. I'm even worse in a group, i studder and get shakes. It's quite a new problem for me. In the past i was always a good presenter, i was even voted best actor in my class and had many friends for a long time. -i know social anxiety is a typical problem for many people, it's just strange beause i was never that way, but i seem to have developed the problem over time.

I want to make friends, but i'm uncomfortable talking to people. I don't know what to say to someone whom i don't know other than, "wow, it's a beautiful day outside, isn't it?" etc-

^thanks for the advice thus far though

[norbert]

Originally Posted by Ak47

I want to make friends, but i'm uncomfortable talking to people. I don't know what to say to someone whom i don't know other than, "wow, it's a beautiful day outside, isn't it?" etc-

Nothing! Ask questions. Let them speak. Be interested in them.

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." --Stephen Covey

Most of the time you'll find you're very similar anyways.

I'm very good at this one. Still, sadly I don't find the people I'm looking for :-)

[Ak47]

Originally Posted by norbert

Nothing! Ask questions. Let them speak. Be interested in them.

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." --Stephen Covey

Most of the time you'll find you're very similar anyways.

I'm very good at this one. Still, sadly I don't find the people I'm looking for :-)

Yes, i know this theory; that a good listener will always be more liked and loved than the best story teller. Though i do have some exceptional stories.

As for not finding the people you're looking for, i truely believe that's how it is/will be for me, perhaps not for the same reasons. Though i think this is part of the reason i don't jump out there and try to make friends regardless of the fact i do want them. I'm quite a unique person in many many ways and in many situations i think people believe me to be strange, weird, etc- but truthfully i'm just different. Also what's so strange about coming off as a weird/strange person to many people.., i've taken the MMPI (a looonnnggg psychology test) and tested "more normal than any patient i've every had" according to my ex-therapist- i tested normal in every field except aggression, where i tested slightly higher than normal. So it somewhat baffles me why i seem so different to others.

Is it just that i'm normal, and in actuality they're all the weirdos? haha

Honestly, in my high school years, i actually (unfortunately) preteneded to be less intelligent than i really am to make friends. It did work very well, but the friends i made were for the most part, not true friends. Nor were most of them people i'd always be content having a friendship with.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Ak47

Well, a big issue is that, although i'm quite outspoken. I've developed somewhat of a social anxiety from being unexposed to peers/other people for a reletively long while...

Conciously, i don't really fear rejection- i've always been more the type that just says "well, if you don't like me, or the things i do, that's your problem." Still- i'm uncomfortable meeting new people without having those whom i already know present.

Undevelop it. I still have to push myself a bit when I talk to someone new, but it can be done. And it's easier for you, because you already know how to do it, you just need to remember.

[Erock]

Hey dude, I feel ya, as I don't party either, and it annoys me that people are so into it. I think you are limiting yourself though, because most of my friends are really into partying, yet I still have strong relationships with them. They just don't call me when they are getting messed up.

It seems like your problem is that you have the need for friendship and companionship, yet you want these friends to be exactly like you. My friends and I have very little in common outside the fact that we just enjoy each other's company. They like violent movies, partying, pulling pranks, rating girls' looks, and making fun of each other. I like sophisticated deep movies, playing tennis, reading spiritual books, and nerdy electronic projects. A lot of times we settle on neutral activities that none of us really like that much because we enjoy being with each other-videogames, poker, swimming, playing basketball, hiking, camping.

The point I'm trying to make is that your friends fill that psychological need of yours to feel loved and cared about. That's all they really do. If you are asking more then that then you're asking too much. I can't really help you "make friends." That's up to you, but I'm just trying to help you fit friendship in the right context.

Good luck
Erock

[John Hill]

I think you just need to get out there and meet people. When I say out there I mean anywhere, just go where you want to go and be open to the people around you. It's kind of like meeting a girlfriend or boyfriend, when you go out looking for someone you never find anyone but when you just go out without specifically looking you might just find what you are looking for.

I never party or drink and don't really like mixing too much with people who do, many people might think this is weird but who cares, the kind of people I do like gravitate towards me when I simply act my own way. The same thing will happen for you I'm sure, when you just go places and interact being who you are today, not who you were before. I think many people like meeting people like you who have lived their lives and then decided to make a change for the better.

Here is some info on attracting people that might help.

John