Emotional Blackmail

[Shaden]

Any advice on how to recognize Emotional Blackmail and how to deal with it will be greatly appreciated. I have a particular problem with this one and as a consequence I quickly flip out emotionally when a good friend or even worse an ex pulls it on me.

Save me from unnecessary depression!!!

[SenorKaffee]

As a general rule: If something hurts you, it needs to be sorted out.

Maybe you can get a little bit more into detail with your question?

[maryelyn]

one word - detachment.

remember, how you choose to respond to anything is just that - a choice!
the emotional pressure that you feel is really coming from within yourself.

[elainevdw]

Detachment is harsh. The opposite of love isn't hate, but apathy. I think the proper way to respond would be compassion, because it will keep your emotional life fulfilled instead of repressed -- but that's a skill I have a long way to go with... It's hard not to just be angry!

What may help you is realizing that people who emotionally blackmail you are doing so out of a dysfunction on their part. That allows you to detach yourself without killing your emotions.

As far as recognizing emotional blackmail, the easiest way is to really pay attention to how you feel around people. There are people who you feel totally comfortable around. Then there are people who make you feel guilty, feel responsible, feel like a waste of a human being.

Spend as little time around these people as possible, and after being with them, do something to counteract their effect on you -- hang out with someone who loves you and makes you feel cool, go do something you enjoy (dancing, see a funny movie, go and get your favorite dessert).

When you are with them, remind yourself that you are not the problem -- they are. Feel sorry for them for having no other way to cope with their problems than to project them onto you. It may help to remember points in your life where you did the same thing to another person; that will help you empathize instead of getting angry.

Some people who emotionally blackmail are that way because they're in a particularly rough time in their life and don't know how to cope. It's not your job to teach them; they have to figure it out for themselves. Others are just piss-ants, and you can't lead them to a revelation about how to become a spiritually stronger person who doesn't feed off of negative energy.

Does that apply to your situation at all?

[Keith]

I've caught myself doing the emotional blackmail thing a couple of times lately.

An important thing to remember is that, generally, people aren't being deliberately manipulative. They've just learnt certain habits of interaction and rarely notice them, let alone reconsider them. They're trying to fulfil needs in the way that they've habitually learnt.

It's hard not to view this behaviour as an attack upon yourself (which can lead you to respond angrily), but they almost certainly don't intended it that way. They're just too caught up in their own pain and need to be considerate of you. (The couple of times that I've fallen into that habit recently I was feeling exhausted and desperate for help).

At your end, some inward questioning might be helpful; why does emotional blackmail make you angry? What specifically about it irritates you? Does it feel like betrayal from someone you trusted? Does the unfairness rankle you? Do you think it reflects a low opinion of you that they'd try to use you like that? Something else?

Once you know what your 'hook' is, you're in a much better position to deal with it so that you don't get hooked any more.

[Shaden]

It's not necessarily a feeling of betrayal or anger, it just drags me down in the dumps quite heavily because I spend a lot of time worrying about the possibility that what they say might come true. For example when one of my ex's asks me out and I say no because she dumped me 6 times and I can't trust her and her response is to say shes going to kill herself I can't help but have a sleepless night over it because I still care about her a great deal.

What's important to me is figuring out when these death threats are genuine and when they are just thin air. It's a difficult line to establish and theirs always that fear at the back of my mind that it will come true. I guess I suck as an emotional human-being

Thanks for all the advice so far. I'm young and naive. I'm pretty sure you've all been in my situation at some point before.

[elainevdw]

Oh no, Shaden -- that's the worst!

As a teenager, about half of my friends and one family member were suicidal at various times, on and off. As a person who truly cares, you can't just ignore it, because how horrible would you feel if it was for real! At least, that's the thought process. And those people that say, "Ignore it; they're just vying for attention" sound horribly cold-hearted, don't they?

What might help is reading up on real symptoms of someone who's considering suicide. There's a really good list here: What can I do to help someone who may be suicidal?

I wish I could give you specific advice from my own experience, but nobody tried blaming their suicidal thoughts on me specifically. I helped my friends when they needed it, but slowly started to withdraw. Most of them latched onto someone else for their pity parties. They are all still emtotionally needy people that I do not need in my life, and so I only rarely see them, and it's usually in passing.

The exception is my brother, who was in serious trouble. We found out that he's bipolar, and he was admitted into a hospital on suicide watch when we were teenagers. I was there for him every chance I got. The difference with him is that he consciously pulled himself out of the worst of his depression through weightlifting and cognitive behavioral techniques, and he tries very hard not to drag the rest of us down, not to be an emotional vampire.

So I guess what I'm saying is, if she's in serious trouble, do help her. If she
gets out of the red zone (if she's even in it at all) and she still emotionally blackmails you in smaller ways, for your own emotional health, it's probably best to reduce contact with her until she grows out of that stage (if ever). I know you still care for her -- for all my harsh words, I really care for my old friends too, and think about them often. But it is not my calling to help them heal. To do so properly would be a full-time job.

[dailyplanit]

There's a book called "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward-check it out!

[Alvin]

What about people who threaten suicide to get what they want? It seems the worst case of emotional blackmail, it's worse isn't it if people give in and they get 'rewarded' for the threat?

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by Alvin

What about people who threaten suicide to get what they want? It seems the worst case of emotional blackmail, it's worse isn't it if people give in and they get 'rewarded' for the threat?

The vast majority of these types of people aren't really considering suicide. But suicide is a life-and-death situation. If you aren't absolutely positive that they're faking it to manipulate you, how can you ignore it? It's a tricky situation, like kids that joke about shooting/bombing people at their schools. The majority of these kids don't mean it, but the few who do end up starting Columbine situations.

I don't think there's an easy blanket answer to situations like that. All you can do is educate yourself, look for "true" symptoms, and trust your gut as to whether or not they actually mean it.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

The opposite of love isn't hate, but apathy.

Actually, apathy is the neutral state. Fear is the opposite state. Unsurprisingly, fear is precisely what's at work with emotional blackmail. You become afraid, and thus give in.

Originally Posted by elainevdw

If you aren't absolutely positive that they're faking it to manipulate you, how can you ignore it?

That's the clincher. The key is knowledge. That's what to love means: know them well enough that you really can be sure enough to decide if they're faking it or not.

[RT Wolf]

In terms of emotional blackmail, I've really only found it come up during fights or interactions of passion. The best thing I've found is to do is either to take a time out or a break. Also, call attention to it and call it for what it is. In human interaction, it shouldn't be there and many times people don't know it's there. Once you point it out to them, they may stop.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

The vast majority of these types of people aren't really considering suicide. But suicide is a life-and-death situation. If you aren't absolutely positive that they're faking it to manipulate you, how can you ignore it? It's a tricky situation, like kids that joke about shooting/bombing people at their schools. The majority of these kids don't mean it, but the few who do end up starting Columbine situations.

I don't think there's an easy blanket answer to situations like that. All you can do is educate yourself, look for "true" symptoms, and trust your gut as to whether or not they actually mean it.

The reason I ask is because I suspect a friend of mine is trapped in an unhealthy relationship where the girl threatens suicide whenever he wants to leave, and I don't know how to help him out with that.

I recognize that it takes both hands to clap, and that I might not know both sides of the story, but it seems to me she's hardly independent enough to create an rock-solid interdependent relationship.

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by Alvin

The reason I ask is because I suspect a friend of mine is trapped in an unhealthy relationship where the girl threatens suicide whenever he wants to leave, and I don't know how to help him out with that.

I recognize that it takes both hands to clap, and that I might not know both sides of the story, but it seems to me she's hardly independent enough to create an rock-solid interdependent relationship.

Is it possible that he hasn't fully made up his mind about whether or not he really wants to leave her? It sucks to see a good friend making painful decisions, but he might not accept whatever help you give him. People can find it very difficult to leave codependent relationships.

He probably needs some education. From a practical sense, on how to deal with suicide threats. From a personal development sense, he may not even be aware of the situation he's in. You could always try creative ways to mirror his situation to him, enabling him to really "see" what's happening, that he may be blinding himself to (or too close in proximity to see clearly).

I'm not sure how you'd go about doing that, though. The only example I have is back when I was very verbally self-abusive, always telling my boyfriend how stupid I was, or what a screw-up, etc. He realized that disagreeing was having no effect. So one day he switched strategies and starting agreeing with me. That was like a stick in the eye; hurt like hell! Why was he saying such horrible things to me? Well, it's what I was saying to myself. And it took me hearing these things from another source to realize how horrible they really were.

So perhaps there's a way to show your friend how he's letting his situation harm him, too.

But definitely do some research and arm your friend with information on how to help a suicidal person, in case this girl really is in trouble.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

Is it possible that he hasn't fully made up his mind about whether or not he really wants to leave her? It sucks to see a good friend making painful decisions, but he might not accept whatever help you give him. People can find it very difficult to leave codependent relationships.

Thanks Elaine, you've got a lot of good advice there. I do feel that he hasn't made up his mind to stay or leave yet, and that's partly the problem. My friends and I have told him till we were blue in the face that what he's going through isn't healthy, but like you said, he listens but doesn't seem to accept.

I have the sick feeling that he's stuck in a place where he wants to have a dependent relationship...it's occurred to me that people don't just seek out relationships with the characters they like, but also the dynamics of the relationships they like.

Research sounds like a good idea, thank you

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

From a personal development sense, he may not even be aware of the situation he's in. You could always try creative ways to mirror his situation to him, enabling him to really "see" what's happening, that he may be blinding himself to (or too close in proximity to see clearly).

Hi Elaine, that's a good piece of advice. Mirroring really does give the person displaying those unwanted traits a shock. It's like giving them a rude wake up call.

Alvin, could your friend also be indulging in his girlfriend's independence too much? I may not be right, but I feel that someone can only become too dependant on another if they are given this chance to. Perhaps there are some secondary benefits he derives by being the main and sole provider for all her needs.

So if he can slowly get the girl to do things herself slowly, then he would have changed the dynamics and nature of the relationship. It's healthier, whether he wants out or not. What do you think?

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

Alvin, could your friend also be indulging in his girlfriend's independence too much? I may not be right, but I feel that someone can only become too dependant on another if they are given this chance to. Perhaps there are some secondary benefits he derives by being the main and sole provider for all her needs.

I agree, I think it has a lot to do with secondary gain; something about her being dependent on him satisfies a need of his at some level. The only question is how to get him to shift from an unhealthy relationship to a healthy one.

He's told me he's dating someone else who has her stuff more together, but lately I've seen him with the same old girl, so I really have no idea what's going on this is not the first toxic relationship I've seen him with and sometimes I wonder what I could possibly do for him at all.

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by Alvin

I have the sick feeling that he's stuck in a place where he wants to have a dependent relationship...it's occurred to me that people don't just seek out relationships with the characters they like, but also the dynamics of the relationships they like.

I have a friend whose girlfriend is completely controlling. She doesn't allow him to do anything -- hang out solo with his friends, persue jobs in his preferred career (culinary arts), play video games. All of his friends hate her guts. Yet he refuses to do anything about it. Thus, he's lost contact with a lot of his friends. He even dropped out of college to move with her 200 miles away, where she decided she'd do grad school while he worked odd jobs at crappy restaurants to pay the rent. (She won't let him take any of the good restaurant jobs he's offered.)

My boyfriend and I psychoanalyze our friends shamelessly. We figure it has something to do with how controlling his mom was, and how he doesn't want to be (or doesn't know how to be) in an independent relationship. Which is too bad, because we both would have liked to keep him as a friend. Unfortunately, his girlfriend prevents that. And ultimately, I guess, it's his choice.

[Helly]

If someone is threatening suicide, tell them you are going to phone the police because you're worried about them and it is too heavy for you to deal with on your own. Their reaction will tell you all you need to decide if it is blackmail or not.

If they continue to do it, phone the police, explain that your friend is threatening suicide and ask them to carry out a welfare check on them. If your friend is telling the truth, then hopefully they will get the help they need. If they aren't telling the truth, they won't do it again.

And if someone you know does commit suicide, please don't ever think that it's your fault. If a person is that troubled, then no individual is powerful enough to save them if they want to die.

The same goes for those of you that see a friend is in a controlling relationship - it's up to them to figure it out for themselves. Our relationships are as healthy as the individuals within them. There is no such thing as someone "not letting" another do something, unless they are physically restrained. We sometimes allow the control to happen because we are afraid of the consequences of doing something the other doesn't want us to do. And it is this fear that creates the environment in which we allow others to exert their control. And controllers are very good at playing on that fear.

Just my opinion, of course.

[Alvin]

Thanks Helly, that's good advice.

That's what I keep telling my friend; the first time she threatened suicide unless he went over I told him not to go, but to call the police to check in on her instead. He caved.

I also kept telling him that she was ultimately responsible for her own life, and he couldn't take that responsibility from her, even if she did end it, it wouldn't have been his choice but hers.

Unfortunately, what I say doesn't seem to go through

You and Elaine bring up very good points, and it is difficult to see a good friend go through something unhealthy when you know he deserves better. But ultimately I'm also not responsible for him; and that's the hardest bit: to say and do everything I can and still just let him be, because ultimately it's his own life and he has to make his own choices.

I'll do my best to talk to him again when I can catch him without her.