I want to change myself...

[Kena]

I have just come out of what I thought was the perfect 2 year relationship, and to say I'm heart broken is an understatement... I know the relationship wasn't going as well as I would have liked, but I felt totally powerless to change it. It's made me realise a few things about myself which are:

1) I'm not particularly funny but really want to be able to get people laughing... On that note, I don't laugh much myself, and I don't know why.

2) I struggle to make conversation with both my ex girlfriend and other people, I really struggle. The way I'm going, I feel that I ll never have a solid group of friends, or to be able to make many.

3) I want to stop being so selfish, and really put other people first (this was certainly true of my ex-girlfriend.

4) I want to be a pleasure to be with. I want people to invite me round, to phone me because they want to talk to me, which certainly isn't the case. I end up doing all the phoning. I don't think I know how to deal with people.

5) Even on-line stuff (bebo, facebook etc.), I don't bother engaging into it because I don't know enough people. The same applies to emailing, I always end up sending the first email, and don't think that what I write is funny or riveting.

6) I struggle to really join in with social events, parties, at the pub etc. I'd rather just be on my own, but I really want to get stuck in, and even be the life and soul of the party...


I ve tried books, but not really followed them through, do they work? I'm scared that they won't work, which is why I loose momentum.

I love my dad to pieces, but I can see he's not got a social circle, and I'm so worried about following his footsteps. My brother doesn't have this problem.

Basically I really want to change myself, and be the person I want to be (like some of my friends) and although I think its too late, I would love to win my girlfriend back... We both work in the outdoors, and its a tight network of folk!

Now being single, I have time on my hands, and want to do everything to make me a better person..

Please help a very sad individual. I'm really at a low point, and can't carry on being this person I don't want to be.

[Shamou]

Hello Kena...

This may sound corny but the first thing that you should do it get the book, "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie... it is a classic written in 1936 but still widely read today...

You can have an overview of the book right here...

The very best of luck to you...

.

[Kena]

Funnily enough I ve got it both on audio book and paperback. I figure that if I read and listen at the same time it will stick more... Only got through a few chapters, maybe I need to follow it through...

Thanks for the reply.

[Kory]

Everyone feels exactly the same as you when they're not around people for a while. Start looking people in the eye and smiling. Once you do that to everyone you see, you'll start to realise they smile back. We're all humans trying to understand eachother, but sometimes we get mixed up in our thoughts.

Just spread the love around!

[Kena]

Originally Posted by Kory

Everyone feels exactly the same as you when they're not around people for a while. Start looking people in the eye and smiling. Once you do that to everyone you see, you'll start to realise they smile back. We're all humans trying to understand eachother, but sometimes we get mixed up in our thoughts.

Just spread the love around!

I've tried the eye and smiling thing, its the next step(s) that I need to master.

[Ak47]

1) humor is most often a gift i'd say, but can sometimes be aquired as a skill. i'd say it's just a train of thought more than anything- chances are though, you are funny in your own way. for instance, some people are dry, wet, cynical, sarcastic- and i'm sure it breaks down much further. dry people are funny, but don't always tend to laugh though they do realize something was humorous.

2) i have the same problem generally; talking to people via the internet can help sometimes since there's less pressure on details in conversation usually. Also, via text you can think about what you say before you deliver- this is good, but don't get stuck on it as your only way of communication. For example: my step sister and step father are both very shy- instead of talking at dinner about the day, they sometimes email eachother what has happened lately, or how they're feeling. It works well for them.

3) it's natural to be selfish. imo, the best thing you can do to justify that you're truely helping people would be to get a job/career where you DO help people. if you did that, i'd imagine stress on this subject would deteriorate over time.

4) -i know i'm not a pleasure to be with for strangers, but mostly because i choose to be that way (dont ask). the best way to make friends, and people who want to talk to you, is to find common interests with others.-to be cont.

5) it can be hard using online networks as a means to meet people- i've had near zero success with this myself. honesetly- all but one of my friends that i've met via the internet i met because we played the same game online, etc (going back to common interests)

6) you'll just have to get close to some people before you can do that. working in friends is like climbing a latter- not everyone has the means to get to the top, but the longer and better you know your friends, the closer and more comfortable you and they'll become with your relationship.

books- "how to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. ^as someone above suggested

My step father i must say, is one of the nicest men i've ever met. He's in sales and customers have phoned our house telling me that he's the nicest person they've met in their LIFE (and he's even shy)!
He claims that in college, he would read a chapter of that book, and implement that chapters lesson as much as possible for a week. Eventually, he learned all of the techniques- many of which are very simple. It can be a struggle to get into the habbit of doing things you're perhaps not comfortable with, or used to, but practice on friends and family- they won't mind. in fact, you may just bring out some smiles in them.'
I've read the book also- i do believe myself that if one could implement the social techniques suggested from the book into everyday life their popularity would boom. regardless, i believe you'd be a happier person- further increasing your social chances.

It's not much, but i hope it helps!

[Kena]

thanks for the info, my problem is remembering all the stuff in the book and then putting it into practice. it does sound like a winner though.

Really appreciate the advice,

Ken

[Ree]

Ken, are there activities that interest you in which you could volunteer? Volunteerism is a great way to meet folks with similar interests. You can volunteer at Habitat for Humanity, SPCA, your local community theatre, local hospital, local facilities for underprivileged children or abused children, charities like Goodwill. I could go on and on. Another boost you get from volunteering is that you will be doing something for others, making a difference in the lives of people (or perhaps animals) who really need you. This will do wonders for your self confidence and you can meet and get to know folks who have your same interests. Good luck!

[Kena]

I work and live on-site for an outdoor centre in Scotland. I'm surrounded by people who have similar interests. I just want them to all be a little more interested in me.

[John Hill]

To change your life and the circumstances of your life means changing your subconscious mind, as you begin to change your mind, you will notice changes begin to occur in your surroundings. You can even bring new people into your life when you change your habitual thoughts.

John

Attracting People.com

[Kena]

Is NLP worth considering?

[charlottecharade]

Originally Posted by Kena

I have just come out of what I thought was the perfect 2 year relationship, and to say I'm heart broken is an understatement... I know the relationship wasn't going as well as I would have liked, but I felt totally powerless to change it. It's made me realise a few things about myself which are:

1) I'm not particularly funny but really want to be able to get people laughing... On that note, I don't laugh much myself, and I don't know why.

2) I struggle to make conversation with both my ex girlfriend and other people, I really struggle. The way I'm going, I feel that I ll never have a solid group of friends, or to be able to make many.

3) I want to stop being so selfish, and really put other people first (this was certainly true of my ex-girlfriend.

4) I want to be a pleasure to be with. I want people to invite me round, to phone me because they want to talk to me, which certainly isn't the case. I end up doing all the phoning. I don't think I know how to deal with people.

5) Even on-line stuff (bebo, facebook etc.), I don't bother engaging into it because I don't know enough people. The same applies to emailing, I always end up sending the first email, and don't think that what I write is funny or riveting.

6) I struggle to really join in with social events, parties, at the pub etc. I'd rather just be on my own, but I really want to get stuck in, and even be the life and soul of the party...


I ve tried books, but not really followed them through, do they work? I'm scared that they won't work, which is why I loose momentum.

I love my dad to pieces, but I can see he's not got a social circle, and I'm so worried about following his footsteps. My brother doesn't have this problem.

Basically I really want to change myself, and be the person I want to be (like some of my friends) and although I think its too late, I would love to win my girlfriend back... We both work in the outdoors, and its a tight network of folk!

Now being single, I have time on my hands, and want to do everything to make me a better person..

Please help a very sad individual. I'm really at a low point, and can't carry on being this person I don't want to be.

I completely understand where you're coming from. I struggle with feelings of inferiority and not belonging too. I think everyone does at some point in the life. But anyways...yes this has been something I have been trying to figure out for years. It's kind of awkward after awhile when you're the only one calling and organizing gatherings. In my mind, the only way I could go out with friends was if I organized it and invited them. I only wished sometimes they would invite me. Usually, it was all one-sided.

So I guess I'm in a similar boat to you. I try hard to be friendly, open, and make friends. The thing is, I succeed in making friends but struggle keeping them. I know the saying goes "In order to keep a friend you must be a friend," but I don't know exactly what other people are looking for in me...?

I guess my advice is to be more open...open all people and eventually you will find some friends who will take more initiative and coordinate things with you. For me, being open means being friendly, polite, relaxed, and interested in other people's lives. That could mean engaging in a light convo with the clerk at the grocery store. Or chatting with a customer in line. Little things like that add up and increase you confidence.

I'm still trying to figure things out for myself but that's my one piece of advice...hope it kind of helps...

[agnostic]

The first advice I'd give you is to change your mindset. If you start from the (unfounded) premise that there's something wrong with you that needs to be changed before you can be happy, you won't make any decent progress.

There's nothing wrong with you. People skills are just that: skills.
It's like learning an instrument, or a sport. No difference. You wouldn't think that there's something wrong with you because you can't play the piano so well. Don't make the same mistake with people skills. It can be learned like any other skill.

I'd also say that you are probably currently seeing things a bit worse than they actually are because you're sad that your girlfriend is gone.

Personal Development is not a means to fix your broken self. There is no broken self, so there's nothing to fix. Please don't fall into that trap. If you believe that you're broken, no achievement could change that belief. It's an unfounded self-fulfilling prophecy.

Personal Development is about getting yourself into the habit of learning and applying new skills that will make your life even better.

You've picked the skills you want to learn. Now go ahead and learn them. Don't put yourself down. It won't do you any good.

[Kena]

Thanks for all the replies and support! One thing I've decided is that I'm not funny enough, I mean I don't make people laugh properly often, and that may have been a large contributing factor to my relationship ending, after all they do say that laughter is the key to a girl's heart.

Was I fun to be with? Looking back at it, yes sometimes, but not as often as I would have liked!

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Kena

1) I'm not particularly funny but really want to be able to get people laughing... On that note, I don't laugh much myself, and I don't know why.

The way I substantially develop my humor side/joking ability was by watching every day one of my favorite comedy show on TV. I was originally watching them to help put myself in a good mood. I noticed after a number of months of watching those shows, I was able to more easily crack jokes and say funny things. I certainly wasn’t saying the jokes these comedians were saying. Instead, I think by watching these shows and really enjoying them, I just had a heightened awareness of what was funny and how to say it.

[Kena]

Could this be the way forwards? what are people's thoughts?

Self Hypnosis CDs and MP3 Hypnosis Downloads | HypnoShop.com

[nightdiamond]

Hi Kena, pay close attention to what Agnostic said. It's on the right track.

One thing I've decided is that I'm not funny enough, I mean I don't make people laugh properly often, and that may have been a large contributing factor to my relationship ending, after all they do say that laughter is the key to a girl's heart

I think that is the trap right there, the feeling you must be funny all the time and must be funny enough to please people. This implies you are not at ease when you are with people including your ex, because of the worry you must be funny in order to please them. This creates a mythical idea of how funny you should be- like saying something clever and amusing all the time in order to have them react to you positively.

This sounds like a problem with self- acceptance and even if you had funny funny stories to tell, and as long as you don't accept yourself you will NOT feel funny. Work on self acceptance and you will not CARE if you are funny enough for other people (ah, the rewards of self acceptance huh?)

Here's one suggestion if I may, Kena: when you are with your friends or can remember being with your ex, think of how funny they are to you or if they made you laugh all the time and did that make you want to be with them even more.... or did you mind at all even if they didn't make you laugh all the time or say something clever?

Many times you don't have to say something clever or make people laugh to have them like you... just by being pleasant you can do that...how to be pleasant?
Just by smiling and SOUNDING pleasant even if you have no jokes to tell... be cheerful or at least pretend top be cheerful...it will affect people...

Take care all....

[wjw]

Particularly when you're young there's a real pressure to be funny that's very hard to ignore. But there are other virtues. Wisdom; empathy; practicality; sympathy. These are things where a single really worthwhile contribution can make a real difference to a person's life, where a joke is just forgotten the next day. Nothing against humour; I love it myself. But you should maybe look to the other virtues you have, the things you say that might matter to people in a different way, and focus on those to help pull yourself up. Girls that matter will care about more than just whether you make them laugh.

[MadHyeNa]

Laughing is a positive emotion. It is a positive vibe that alters mental states. Therefore, when laughter is present the girl associates the "feel good" mental state with the person that initiated the laughter. That's why they say that laughter is key to keeping a girl's heart. While I will not disagree with the aforementioned statement, I am expanding it-- "any sort of positive emotion."

Furthermore, you need to exude positivity and you will be the most liked guy, charismatic, charming and so forth. Sounds promising, right?

"How to achieve that?" You ask. Mental states are contagious. Either you believe in the holistic approach (sending vibrations, thoughts, energy) or in positive and open body language, that is irrelevant. The very act of having a "smile" on your face alters your mood. You cannot feel sad when you "force" a smile on your face. It affects your physiology and ultimately sparks that required positive mental state. Why? Because you must be in congruence.

Therefore, you need to feel positive about yourself and the quality of your life. You need to feel satisfied and fulfilled. You need to project happiness, exude confidence. Then the world around you will change, people will react differently toward you, and ultimately your social life will be blossoming.

To achieve this you must make peace with yourself. Realize that you are a human being, one of the social and emotional species. You can fail and that is pretty normal. Everybody does it. You need to change your perspective and think of failures as challenges and opportunities to learn and grow. Shifting your perspective and altering your paradigm, any sort of fears will vanish just like that. Take charge of your life and know that you have the inner strenght to accomplish anything, be anyone you want to be.

Before going out to socialize at a party or any sort of event, remind yourself of all the positive memories that you have ever lived. Make the mental pictures brighter and more vivid. Emerge yourself into that world. Intensify the feelings. If the picture is far away, bring it closer; make them larger; colorful if they're grayscale. Relive them again, again and again. Look in the mirror and feel good about yourself. You are an amazing human being with infinite number of opportunities in life.

Then when you are socializing, detach yourself. You cannot get in the flow of communication if you are consciously thinking about the "next" idea that you mention, anciticipating her answer; wondering about the outcome and so forth. Relax, sit back, and be cool. Gaze into her eyes and smile. Genuinely be curious about her life experiences and ask her to tell her most amazing, powerful, positive-emotion-pumped memories! Really and I mean, really, pay attention to her words. You should feel that the 3D world around the two of you disappears. Your one and only focus is she; time distortion happens. This is the peak of communication. Your rapport is excellent, and she will notice, feel and sense that. As far as I've heard from feedback: women absolutely love this fantastic feeling of being listened and caressed by your gaze. This connection unexplainable with words.

Doing these, you will naturally "get in rapport" without NLP mirroring techniques, without eye-accessing cues to make her feel the way you want; and without applying hypnotic and suggestive weasel phrases, commands or whatnot. You need not to study how to be charming. It is already within you.

Seriously, life is beautiful. Trust me. Have fun, be charming, energetic, kind and genuine. When a negative emotion, picture or memory appears in your conscious attention, know that you can replace them with positive ones. Your conscious mind can focus upon only one picture and emotion at the same time. You cannot feel both sad and happy. Get it? Then use this fact toward your succeed.

Good luck.