Loneliness - What's going on?

[Xin]

I'm having a hard time concerning my relationships as of lately. To summarize some things up, I've always been an introvert, then went consciously to extreme extrovert and then, tired of it, crawled to a quieter place again.

Right now, I can't seem to understand what is happening to me, and it would be great to have an objective view on this, guys.

I look all around and realize that all those great relationships people seem to have are based in physical proximity, like shared classes or shared workplaces. Take that and it all goes away. I had it, and it was awesome. I lost it, and all relationships went to hell. Now, I do not have this physical proximity with anyone I really care about.

So, I get jealous a lot. I hear people talking about the amazing time they had, what they have done and... I just feel left out. Understand, I feel I'm their friend, and know they will help me out if needed be but there is no deep bond that makes you want to be together, have fun, do something. When I realized this, I tried to take iniciative and arrange stuff, inviting people, organize meet-ups for dinner - and it works! People do what I suggest, we have fun... But then it's over, they go on and I'm still left off on whatever.

Moreover, I'm having a truly hard time relating to anyone. I've become super-focused and go to great lenghts to do my stuff, it's Summer vacations and I've started working full time all the vacations, while pursuing the things I like (exercise, art, and so on), and I have to help out at home, take care of my brother, help the family business... and we are a dysfunctional family. Always troubles and worries - and since my parents don't socialize at all, they don't see why I would see having friends as an important thing. It just doesn't cross their minds that I feel lonely, because for them, loneliness is an acquired thing. In fact, when I go watch a movie with someone, go for a simple walk, they see it as... well, weird. Socializing is a weird concept for them. Me being in the living room a whole month is OK. Leaving to watch a movie at a friend's house is accepted but I feel that they think of it as me 'doing that things kids do that is getting together. Mature people don't do that, oh no.'

This lead to me don't being able to relate to all the crowd that surrounds me. I like them, they like me, and most are truly good people. But they sleep till noon, relax in the pool all afternoon, go party and have fun in the night... I don't live like that. They don't relate to me, and I don't relate to them. This is making me craving for loneliness more and more everyday. Yesterday, I was walking with my best friend, whom I love, and I just couldn't stop thinking that it was a mistake to go hang out with them, because I just couldn't "hear my own thoughts", if you know what I mean.

Besides, a girl I was dating that was in the same position as me (dysfunctional family, actually forbidden to leave the house) started a serious relationship with my best friend - and I understood what she had done. He is the representation of what she wanted in life (and me too, for that case)... The happy family, lots of money, talent. Happiness.

I find it very easy to meet people and get to know them. If you see it that way, I'm a bit social now - and that's because I trained myself to actualy socialize and due to my range of experiences. But I can't really get closer to anyone; I don't have the time to hang out that much nor the capability to relate and feel that I'm similar to someone.

There's a lot going on in my life and I feel that every single one of my relationships is falling apart. I have to care about this family, the business, work, and follow my dreams in every minimal second I can spare. I just feel that instead of having my friends cheering me up on the side, for actually doing stuff, no. Since I can't lead the same lifestyle as them, hang out and stuff, I'm downgraded to the B-list of friends. I give my 100% to don't let it all crumble in my life and actually keep going forward, I give my best to help my friends with their problems, and then I feel that when I need to be supported and actually desanuviate, get some rest, it's all me again to have it to give my 100% not to fall.

Actually, as time passes, I'm starting to feel fine alone and discomfortable with people, like my parents. I mean, I'm OK with being by myself - I've been through a lot by myself, so if there's someone I trust, that's me. But it breaks my heart to see everyone 'enjoying themselves and having fun while I'm just sitting there watching and doing my own thing.

*sigh*

I'm happy due to my efforts in my life, but my happiness is getting to be a a bit lonely.

[ZHereford]

Sounds like you're in a challenging situation Xin. As far as a dysfunctional families, most of us come from one to some degree. I know mine sure was.

In your case your family does not support the fact that you need (we all do) social contact and to build relationships with people. Even worse, they discourage it. This makes you feel bad, confused and somewhat alienated. It's a positive thing, however, that you recognize what you need to do, it's just hard for you to go about it. It's no wonder you feel the way you do.

I would encourage you to continue making the effort to meet people and develop friendships as much as you can. Read books about people and places throughout the world and different cultures. If you can't experience it all, read so can know what to strive for. We can learn so much about human nature by reading classics about human struggle.

Continue to set goals and develop yourself. If you know what you want, you can achieve it. Try some visualizations and affirmations. Continue to participate in these forum. You can learn so much about yourself and others. You can develop relationships here too!
Don't settle for less than you think you need to feel good about yourself.

[Christian223]

Hey Xin, i know exactly what you mean, i have been there, went from introvert from extrovert and then back to introvert for some time, now im trying to be extrovert but keeping with an introvert side heh, more balance is better, otherwise it would be like carrying a very big weight all the time, you know, doing things that you are not used to do require more energy, focus, and attention, and that makes you tired.

My family is like yours too, in a sense, they dont socialize, or they do it very little, and they have allways raised me to be an introvert, its kind of crazy, because they gave me a double message, although they tried to make me more social (they litereally ordered me to have more friends) they allways pushed me to be a more lonely type of person, im trained to be an introvert... but thats doesnt really matter when you are trying to change, look to what you want to be, be positive, thats the way to go.

Something that has really been helping me is EFT EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else , its weird, but it really works, now i can look at people in the eye, i can think more clearly when im with people, it really helps, try it and youll be surprised, good luck.

[Xin]

Thank you both.

I really miss sharing a bond with someone. But I don't know how to face this; trying to pursue friends, a dating life... I'm tired of getting hurt. I try to do it, and I'm left for wealthy people, for interesting people, for people who don't have to fight for anything. For people are already somewhere. I don't blame anyone, it's just human nature, it's neither good or bad. But it doesn't make me happier in any way.

I'm tired. I'm hurt.

What about instead of fighting loneliness, embrace it? Focus just on what I have to do and leave relationships out of my attention span. Be a better person without depending on social contacts, as you said, ZHereford? Not actually being an hermit, but just taking what I'm given.

I lost who I loved, I lost my friends, I lost a lot. But my family is happy for seeing me home, working and busting my ass at stuff. I try to say I'm going for a swim with a friend and immediatly 'You are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ impossible of a kid! Get more responsible!'

It's like I'm forced to choice peace at home or a life outside home, not both.

Ah.

[norbert]

I think I have similar feelings.

introvert -> consciously extrovert -> consciously introvert

I'm also fed up with the physical proximity effect, I know what you mean. Jealousy too. But this is only because you don't have anyone to relate to. Jealousy would go away, wouldn't it? You're not a jealous person, you are just striving for love and care, aren't you?

I'm very much into the things I love and people around me are all holding me back because I live a very unique lifestyle (finished school, freelancing and building my business, no 9-5 job, I'm very creative, conscious etc). I'm also very lonely, even though I have a bunch of friends to hang out with if I choose to. But usually I don't want to exactly because I don't "hear my own thoughts" when I spend my time with them. They're all about cars, girls, parties and drinking. That's all they can possibly think of. And of course money. And TV.

Then I start to talk to them about dreams, passion, consciousness, contribution, creativity, thinking big, healthy lifestyle, unconditional love etc and they are like "what?!". Like I'm from another planet. But these are everyday things to me!

My very best friend died in January in a car accident. He was totally like me. After 7 years our friendship turned into such a close one that I could never possibly dream of. We became like brothers. We were always there for each other. When he died I felt I have to follow him because nobody really understands what I'm talking about. Although it's very simple: lifetime friendship, sharing what we have, motivating each other, being there all the time etc. Those who do have different core values, for example they aren't creative or love partying on a daily/weekly basis while I don't or are 15+ years older than me etc.

I love what I do, I love the person I am, I love how much love I have inside me but I hate that I can't find those who I want to share it with.

Is this similar to your experience? Where do you live? How old are you?

[Xin]

Thank you, Norbert. You pretty much nailed it down.

Jealousy would go away, wouldn't it? You're not a jealous person, you are just striving for love and care, aren't you?

Indeed. I just want a slice of it.

I'm very much into the things I love and people around me are all holding me back because I live a very unique lifestyle (finished school, freelancing and building my business, no 9-5 job, I'm very creative, conscious etc). I'm also very lonely, even though I have a bunch of friends to hang out with if I choose to. But usually I don't want to exactly because I don't "hear my own thoughts" when I spend my time with them. They're all about cars, girls, parties and drinking. That's all they can possibly think of. And of course money. And TV.

Then I start to talk to them about dreams, passion, consciousness, contribution, creativity, thinking big, healthy lifestyle, unconditional love etc and they are like "what?!". Like I'm from another planet. But these are everyday things to me!

I hear you. I have friends and people I can hang out with, but it doesn't feel like actually connecting with someone else. It feels like just being there, not being able to share who you are.

I love what I do, I love the person I am, I love how much love I have inside me but I hate that I can't find those who I want to share it with.

So true!

My very best friend died in January in a car accident. He was totally like me. After 7 years our friendship turned into such a close one that I could never possibly dream of. We became like brothers. We were always there for each other. When he died I felt I have to follow him because nobody really understands what I'm talking about. Although it's very simple: lifetime friendship, sharing what we have, motivating each other, being there all the time etc. Those who do have different core values, for example they aren't creative or love partying on a daily/weekly basis while I don't or are 15+ years older than me etc.

I can't even imagine how hard it must have been, and how hard it is right now. It is so hard to find someone with whom we could feel one with that when we have to part ways, it feels like our soul has lost a limb.

I've connected to this deep of a level with two persons - that girl I mentioned and my best friend. The girl is totally like me; the good and the bad. I didn't had to talk with her to know what was on her mind. I could read it on her. My best friend is like my good side. No problems, no bad traits, money, love. He has it all, in the literary sense, and he actually knows it and is grateful. Yet, we share creativity, passion, trust, and other values. It just feels that my bad side and problems are something he can't truly grasp. He had the best of me, she had the two parts. Ironically, they end up together. They were afraid of hurting me, but I didn't want to harm their relationship either (or me, for that matter) so I forced myself to step back.

It's not in my intention at all to compare this to your situation, but as you said, I think that we actually share some similar experiences and ideas, as you said.

I am 17 and live in a Portuguese small town with 10 thousand other people. Europe FTW.

[Ak47]

I'm a very lonely person mysef- i have a girlfriend, but in fact, i have ZERO other friends. I used to be somewhat of a "trouble maker" so i moved away from my hometown, which i had always lived in, to get away from bad stuff, and now i know nobody. Not only this, but at my age (young enough) it seems everyone wants to party, etc just as you've mentioned. Well, i don't do that sort of thing. So, not only is that one less thing i can directly relate with my peers about, but they don't trust me since i don't do it either.

Frankly, i'm okay with that personally though. I'd rather be lonely and such, than friends with a bunch of people who do things i don't really want to be around anyway.

Since i have social troubles myself, i'm not sure i can suggest all that many things to mend your problem. However, i do know, the beginning, and the main structure for a long time in a friendship is common interest. I'm a VERY strong believer in this. It's also the same reason why classmates meet and make friends, etc. Perhaps you need to make some new friends, if you always have to dish out service to them, never for any to return, that's a one-sided relationship if you ask me. Maybe it's time for a change. The start of that would be to find a new hobby that other people are interested in. Cars/drag racing, hiking, camping, fishing, i have friends i shoot guns with myself for fun when i visit them out of town. There are lots of hobbies to choose from, just pick something you think you'd enjoy. Chances are someone else enjoys it also, and would make an excellent friend.

Really i think it's not you who has the social problem, but your friends and family. Anyone who goes out to party a lot i don't consider to be of a social norm. People who have to party a lot in my humble opinion are weak minded in one way or another. Most of the time, those people are weak socially; they rely on drugs/alcohol to make friends because they're such a popular thing for people to do- and most of the time, people who do those things together are friends then, but if one stops that sort of thing, the friendship breaks. I've found this to be true personally about 140/144.

And yes, i lost 140 friends/aquaintances when i quit partying and such- the other 4 will still talk to me and hang out, but as i mentioned, i moved away from that city. In my case; i could probably make new friends with a hobby as well, but i'm not currently financially so sound to do so.

There's my 2 cents, hope it helps.

[norbert]

Originally Posted by Xin

I hear you. I have friends and people I can hang out with, but it doesn't feel like actually connecting with someone else. It feels like just being there, not being able to share who you are.

Exactly. It misses the most crucial point.

Originally Posted by Xin

I can't even imagine how hard it must have been, and how hard it is right now. It is so hard to find someone with whom we could feel one with that when we have to part ways, it feels like our soul has lost a limb.

Thank you. It's indeed the hardest part of my life. Every day is a battle to convince myself to stay. I have lost my family many years ago but never lost anybody who'd be there with me until the very end.

Originally Posted by Xin

I've connected to this deep of a level with two persons - that girl I mentioned and my best friend. The girl is totally like me; the good and the bad. I didn't had to talk with her to know what was on her mind. I could read it on her. My best friend is like my good side. No problems, no bad traits, money, love. He has it all, in the literary sense, and he actually knows it and is grateful. Yet, we share creativity, passion, trust, and other values. It just feels that my bad side and problems are something he can't truly grasp. He had the best of me, she had the two parts. Ironically, they end up together. They were afraid of hurting me, but I didn't want to harm their relationship either (or me, for that matter) so I forced myself to step back.

That mush have been a hard decision to make. You must be a very good person, Xin.

I don't know your problems but maybe he's gonna understand them one day. My best friend didn't grasp my problems either for many years. When he finally did, everything has changed. It became like 2 minds in 2 bodies in total synergy.

I think being a best friend is mostly about appreciating the company of the other, understanding without judging and looking up to each other. The rest follows.

Originally Posted by Xin

I am 17 and live in a Portuguese small town with 10 thousand other people. Europe FTW.

Sadly that's not in my neighbourhood :/

Should you need to talk to somebody, feel free to PM me.

[norbert]

Originally Posted by Ak47

Frankly, i'm okay with that personally though. I'd rather be lonely and such, than friends with a bunch of people who do things i don't really want to be around anyway.

That's the right decision in my opinion. Be true to yourself, everything else is secondary.

Originally Posted by Ak47

However, i do know, the beginning, and the main structure for a long time in a friendship is common interest. I'm a VERY strong believer in this.

I think this is usually right. Although, for me, this was not the case. We were completely different but we had this weird feeling that we have to get to know each other. We started hangin' out and soon became great friends. We always wanted to become like the other. Fast forward 6-7 years and we have the same goals, vision, world view, taste, everything. It's really like the same person in two bodies.

Originally Posted by Ak47

Really i think it's not you who has the social problem, but your friends and family. Anyone who goes out to party a lot i don't consider to be of a social norm. People who have to party a lot in my humble opinion are weak minded in one way or another. Most of the time, those people are weak socially; they rely on drugs/alcohol to make friends because they're such a popular thing for people to do- and most of the time, people who do those things together are friends then, but if one stops that sort of thing, the friendship breaks. I've found this to be true personally about 140/144.

I agree on this. I don't have social problems. They are too weak socially, as you said.

[John Hill]

Even though people go through types of personality changes they usually revert back to the person they really are. If you feel you can't relate to those around you why not try to find like minded people to be around. They are out there but they may not be around you right now. Here are some tips on overcoming loneliness that might help you to get closer to the people that you will feel comfortable with and who can relate to you.

John

Attracting People.com