I Don't Want to Die, I Don't Want to Live

[Jes]

My life keeps falling further and further apart. Every time I think I'm back on top, another piece comes out from the bottom and I hit the floor all over again.

This morning, I was in my girlfriend's bathroom, looking for a piece of paper to write her a note on (had to leave before she woke up, thought it'd be nice to wake up to). I saw a notebook lying on the floor (her bathroom is a MESS), so I picked it up to tear out a page. The first page I open to has this written across it: "and anyway, I think John [my best friend, former co-writer] is much more talented than you."

Pain. Intense, intense pain. I don't want to invade her privacy, but I read another sentence: "I'm only tolerating you 'til you can't stand me anymore."

Heartbreak. "Tolerating?" I'm in love with this girl, and I try so hard not to do anything to hurt her. I would hate to hurt her. I close the book.

This might have been written a year ago, maybe a little less, maybe a little more. I don't think she wrote it recently, because John's been out of the picture for a while. Also, she gives me little reason to believe that she's not totally in love with me. We don't say it much, so every time we do, it means a lot. She said it yesterday.

What do I do? Do I tell her I came across it? It's obviously her journal, and technically I could have closed it after the first sentence, but I was so stunned I wasn't thinking clearly.

There was a time I wanted this relationship to end. That time has passed. I love her, and I don't want to lose her.

[Jes]

Oh, and last night I spent a good two hours on the phone with the suicide prevention line. Not because I thought I was going to hurt myself, but because I was severely depressed by other issues, and realized I have no one left to talk to but her (she was busy).

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Jes, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It's hard to see something like that even if it may have been written long ago in a fit of anger after a fight or something.

I am not sure what confronting her with what you saw would accomplish. You did invade her privacy even though it wasn't intentional. Most people don't take too kindly to that (ask me how I know...).

I wish I had more answers for you. I think I would be pretty devestated to see something like that and would have a hard time just pretending nothing was wrong.

Perhaps you could just have a talk with her about the two of you without bringing the notebook into it. Now you see how much you still want to be with her so it would be a good idea to see where things stand.

I know that probably isn't the best advice, but I wanted to just let you know you've been heard. Good luck.

[carenkh]

I'm sorry, Jes, I'm not quite following what you're saying. She wrote that TO you, in her journal? Like a letter she never sent?

I'd come clean about it, if I were you. Just let her know exactly what happened. Perhaps get into a centered place first, then just see where the conversation goes. Keeping what you read hidden won't serve anyone, if truth is what you're after. (Is that what you're after?)

I was just reading in Anatomy of the Spirit:

Every human being will encounter a series of challenges that tests his allegiance to heaven. These tests will come in the form of the disintegration of one's physical power base: the inevitable loss of wealth, family, health, or worldly power. The loss will activate a crisis of faith, forcing one to ask, "What is it, or who is it, that I have faith in?"

She is saying this is a universal truth found in spiritual traditions, and in the principles of medical intuition. Feel free to change any of the words (heaven, faith) to fit your belief system. I just wanted to make the point, that sometimes your life falling apart is precursor to your life coming together in a bigger, bolder, more true way than you were living before. Hang in there!

[Ak47]

Keep what you've got until the end- especially if you love 'er.

Everyone gets confused at times, especially in relationships. Honestly; there's NO REASON AT ALL to leave someone (or kill yourself for that matter, jesus) if you truely love them. Relationships are only everlasting and loving if you can handle the test of perseverence they put in front of you, for most people, that test is trust. Can you allow room for errors with your mate? Would you want to be allowed room if you made an error? If you can't take a mistake (and one that was never even put into play for that matter, but only conceived in thought) then you're doomed to either be lonely, or stressed for the rest of your days because of social anxiety. Don't be that guy, you're stronger than that- this thing, this thing isn't even an issue. It's a handwritten sentence in a journal that was never meant for your eyes in the first place. Just let it go, live on and love her for the imperfect human she is.

[John Hill]

I agree with what you first said, I don't want to die, although secondly I believe what you really mean is you don't want to live like you are living now.

If your girlfriend wrote that note for you expecting that you find it, I'm not sure if that is what you are saying, if she did you need to confront her about it as it is important. If she doesn't want you, you need to know this. Tell her the truth about how you came across the note, this isn't the time for games or lies with your girlfriend. Facing your problems is the only way to deal with them.

It sounds like your relationship isn't working since a working relationship doesn't work like this. Perhaps you really want to be with her now because you feel you can't have her, we always seem to want what we can't have once it is gone or over. Many people have had to deal with overcoming a broken heart and by doing so you always move to a better place in life from the experience although it doesn't seem that way at first while you are feeling so horrible like you are now.

Talking to her is your only real option as it allows you to tell her how you feel and hear how she feels.

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