moving on

[somaziro]

My GF and I broke up about 3 months ago (I wanted to keep going with the relationship, she couldn't and I understand the reasons why and am ok with them), she started seeing someone pretty quickly after we broke up.

I went through the stages of being sad and feeling physically sick after our break up for about 2 months. Then a month after the breakup felt pretty bad when learned she was seeing someone new so quickly. I have been out on a few dates but I still find myself thinking about my ex and the fun times we had and missing the relationship that we had.

It is very hard to get over someone and move on when they keep creeping into your thoughts. I hadn't talked to her in about a month but today I was sitting next to a woman who wears her same brand of perfume and instantly I feel bad again, just like I did 3 months ago - and I thought that I was/had progressed past that point. So I called, no answer, and left a message but after that I felt a little queesy - you know the feeling kinda when you know you did something you shouldn't have.

I keep telling myself that the only way to get over her, and not have her creeping into my thoughts unbidden is just to sever complete contact with her, which is what I was trying to do. But we were also really good friends, and I am interested in her life and want to know that she is doing well - we shared alot of our lives together.

Anyway, I guess I was just surprised at how fresh the wounds could be 3 months later. Smell seems so connected to memory. Anyone else experience this type of thing? Something reminding them of an ex and brining back wounds of the breakup? How have you coped? What do you do when you are around something that reminds you of an ex?

Any tips for getting over someone (I know this is pretty subjective). I thought I was over her.

For those that will give the advice of just seeing other girls... Unfortunately at the moment I don't have the time to just go out on alot of different dates and spend time with alot of different girls or whatever that solution would be - I am just really busy studying (trying to study - damn ex GF in my head) for the BAR which is in 17 days and really need some clarity of mind (no ex gf in there) to concentrate on this stuff!

thanks

[ZHereford]

As you've probably read in these forums somaziro, getting over a broken relationship is never easy. We always tend to think of, and miss the good times when something like that happens. And yes, smell is a big trigger for memories.

The only advice I can think of, knowing full well that you just can't drop your memories instantly, is focus on your goals (study for bar exam) and know that life goes on. There is a world of so many interesting people, places and things to do. Instead of trying to forget your girlfriend, divert your attention to other things. Work out, study, read and learn. Before you know she'll be calling you to see what you're doing. The minute you let something go, it revisits you.

Best of luck to you.

[ThoughtAddict]

Set yourself progressive study goals. 5 minutes of studying without distracting yourself. Then 6. And so on. Accept that you're not at 100 percent and try to compensate up for that.

ZHereford gave some good advice. Channel your energy into your work instead of thinking about her. Exercise is good. So is any support you can get from friends.

If you're religious, pray or meditate. The important thing in my previous breakups has been to keep balance in life. Remove things that only remind you of her from where you can see them. One ex-girlfriend of mine gave me so much, I've got a box full of things that just made me think of her.

It isn't easy. I know. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you find energy wherever it might be for you.

[Brendon Colby]

Originally Posted by somaziro

Anyone else experience this type of thing?

Yes and the perfume was "Cool Water for Women"! I haven't seen this girl for seven years but I am instantly reminded of her every time I smell this perfume. I think this is pretty normal given the nature of scent and memory. This situation seems very similar to when I quit smoking - I'd smell smoke and that would trigger intense cravings. When I'd smell that perfume, the scent would trigger crushing feelings of grief and anger (among other things). Now the memories evoked are far more positive to just neutral. I was in the relationship for 3 years until she abruptly broke up with me and started seeing someone a month later for no reason (I still don't know why but am OK with it now).

There are so many aspects to this in my case (and probably yours too) that it could probably fill a novel. I guess what I would say is to keep working through the grief of your loss. Don't medicate it by diving into another relationship, or by getting into booze, drugs, etc. Ask for help if you need it (I did). Keep searching for the truth of this situation. Many, many people have been where you are now and have grown from the experience (I know I have). When she creeps into your mind, remind yourself that you're still grieving her loss and adjusting to your life without her. As another poster said, try to distract yourself with some positive physical activity like working out. Perhaps you would benefit from mediation and other deep relaxation techniques. Start disputing your irrational beliefs. Overall, just keep working at it. It really does get better if you just hang in there and work at it.

[John Hill]

I think stopping contact with her altogether is a wise move, she has moved on and although you still have feelings for her, which is perfectly normal, they will subside in time until you don't think about her at all. This is what happens when a relationship ends, you may remain friends on some level but you will probably never spend any real time together again unless you get back together.

It is time to ask yourself are you where you want to be, once you get clear on where you are and what you want it will be easier to start heading in the right direction.

John

Attracting People.com