[Adult] My Daughter is a Porn Star

[Single Dad]

Sorry about the blunt title, but I don't know how else to say it.

A few days ago I received an anonymous email telling me that my 20 year old daughter is a "porn star", along with a link to her pay adult website. I was shocked and devastated to say the least, as she has always been an exemplary child raised on Christian values.

Her mother died when she was 7, and I raised her and her little brother all by myself. I never even remarried, just so I could make sure that I was devoting all my time, energy, and resources to her and her brother. It was very difficult, but we made it through alright. Or so I thought.

She was a straight A student all through grade school, and even though her grades slipped a little bit in high school, she made it to college and has done very well for two years with a 3.5 GPA.

I couldn't be prouder of her, but now this. A very well designed adult website with thousands of pictures of my daughter in various stages of undressing, playing with sex toys, and making out with other girls.

She seems to be very popular in the "teen girls" genre of pornography, with many sites having pictures and links to her own website. A Google search with her stage name (which unfortunately is very similar to her real name) brings up 472,000 results. Some of the pictures I saw were stamped "Copyright 2005", which means she has been doing this for at least two years, since she turned 18 (and hopefully not before then).

I got this email on June 28, the day after she left on a 3-week trip to Europe with some of her college friends. I know she's indeed in Europe, because she's been emailing me pictures almost every day, but I just don't know how I'm going to react when she comes home.

She has always been the best daughter a father could ask for, and we have an amazing father-daughter relationship, but my heart is completely broken and I feel betrayed -- although for $29.95 a month she seems to be making a lot of dirty old men very happy.

The only "warning signs" have been financial. Since she started college, instead of asking for money like I always figured she would, she hasn't asked for anything. If I try to give her money she tells me to spend it on myself. She told me her scholarships were covering books and tuition, and that her part-time job in school was paying her very well, but I never imagined this is what she was doing.

She drives a brand new BMW valued at over $40,000...just about what I made last year. She told me her friend's father owns a BMW dealership in California and because of overstock she got a great long-term financing deal. And I actually believed her.

Anyway, besides her secret life, she has also lied to me about where she's getting her money, which is greatly contributing to my pain.

I am also worried about what else she could be doing (drugs, VDs, etc.) In my eyes she was still a virgin, and although I did not see her with any men in those pictures, she did have a lot of pictures with other girls, so I guess I can safely assume that she is no longer a virgin, and that she's probably also a lesbian.

I would like to ask for advice on how to handle this situation. I am very upset still, but I can't deny that I love her to death -- and I will completely forgive any mistakes she might have made in the past or might still be making -- but I want her to be safe and to become a productive member of society.

I don't know where else to turn about this. I can't tell my family because they might turn against her. And I can't tell my friends because they will immediately go sign up for her website. So I'm coming here with my dilema.

[Shamou]

Single Dad... very sorry to hear about you dilemma... it has to be extremely rough on you... However, I don't think that there is very much that you can do about the situation... it is a very sad tragedy... but, I am certain that you know that you are not the only grieving Dad...

Some parents learned today that their beloved daughter has terminal cancer... or were killed in an auto accident...

I think that the very best thing for you to do is to try to accept the situation... the sooner that you can do that... the sooner you can get on with your own life...

We bring children into this world... but we do not own them... we can only hope and pray that everything will eventually turn out the best possible way...

I feel for you... and I send you my best...

.

[XeutonMojukai]

Hi there.

You might not want to take my advice seriously, but I assure you it is the best I can offer.

Say only that you know what has happened, and that you love her anyway.

Let her react.

Tell her you just wished she'd told you.

And let things be. Be friendly in asking about VD's. Be friendly in asking about drugs.

Don't yell. It's the worst way to react, because it assures her that she won't find acceptance with you, even if that's not the case.

Try to be ready. It's better to cry in front of her than to get angry.

And finally, I hope you and she are able to find a good trust out of all this regardless.

She won't be a pornstar forever. Or if she does, it *is* a legal profession, and she seems to take it quite maturely (a BMW is hardly the kind of savings a person could afford on their drug money, so I doubt she's also dosing).

Remember to keep an optimistic outlook.

As long as you look on it all positively, things will remain positive.

Don't lose hope.

~ David

[JohnPlace]

Originally Posted by Single Dad

Sorry about the blunt title, but I don't know how else to say it.

A few days ago I received an anonymous email telling me that my 20 year old daughter is a "porn star", along with a link to her pay adult website. I was shocked and devastated to say the least, as she has always been an exemplary child raised on Christian values.

Her mother died when she was 7, and I raised her and her little brother all by myself. I never even remarried, just so I could make sure that I was devoting all my time, energy, and resources to her and her brother. It was very difficult, but we made it through alright. Or so I thought.

She was a straight A student all through grade school, and even though her grades slipped a little bit in high school, she made it to college and has done very well for two years with a 3.5 GPA.

I couldn't be prouder of her, but now this. A very well designed adult website with thousands of pictures of my daughter in various stages of undressing, playing with sex toys, and making out with other girls.

She seems to be very popular in the "teen girls" genre of pornography, with many sites having pictures and links to her own website. A Google search with her stage name (which unfortunately is very similar to her real name) brings up 472,000 results. Some of the pictures I saw were stamped "Copyright 2005", which means she has been doing this for at least two years, since she turned 18 (and hopefully not before then).

I got this email on June 28, the day after she left on a 3-week trip to Europe with some of her college friends. I know she's indeed in Europe, because she's been emailing me pictures almost every day, but I just don't know how I'm going to react when she comes home.

She has always been the best daughter a father could ask for, and we have an amazing father-daughter relationship, but my heart is completely broken and I feel betrayed -- although for $29.95 a month she seems to be making a lot of dirty old men very happy.

The only "warning signs" have been financial. Since she started college, instead of asking for money like I always figured she would, she hasn't asked for anything. If I try to give her money she tells me to spend it on myself. She told me her scholarships were covering books and tuition, and that her part-time job in school was paying her very well, but I never imagined this is what she was doing.

She drives a brand new BMW valued at over $40,000...just about what I made last year. She told me her friend's father owns a BMW dealership in California and because of overstock she got a great long-term financing deal. And I actually believed her.

Anyway, besides her secret life, she has also lied to me about where she's getting her money, which is greatly contributing to my pain.

I am also worried about what else she could be doing (drugs, VDs, etc.) In my eyes she was still a virgin, and although I did not see her with any men in those pictures, she did have a lot of pictures with other girls, so I guess I can safely assume that she is no longer a virgin, and that she's probably also a lesbian.

I would like to ask for advice on how to handle this situation. I am very upset still, but I can't deny that I love her to death -- and I will completely forgive any mistakes she might have made in the past or might still be making -- but I want her to be safe and to become a productive member of society.

I don't know where else to turn about this. I can't tell my family because they might turn against her. And I can't tell my friends because they will immediately go sign up for her website. So I'm coming here with my dilema.

First off, let me apologize. When I first started reading this post, I thought for sure it was a bit of spam, especially when I read this:

A very well designed adult website with thousands of pictures of my daughter in various stages of undressing, playing with sex toys, and making out with other girls.

She seems to be very popular in the "teen girls" genre of pornography,

Along with your description of her religious upbringing and the cost of membership, I thought for sure this was the sort of spam we see floating around our in-boxes every now and then.

But again, I apologize. You didn't post any link, nor did you post any information that would lead us to your daughter's site, so I guess it's pretty clear you're legitimate.

Secondly, let me say I'm sorry for the situation you're in. If I were in your position, I'd be devastated. But the advice given by Shamou and XeutonMojukai is good advice.

If you seriously object to her lifestyle, you might want to try asking her if she's happy with the way she's living her life. When you talk to her, talk nicely. But you may be able to help her deal with any internal misgivings she may have about her line of work.

But Shamou is right -- we bring our children into this world, but we do not control them. She is her own person.

Best wishes to you. My heart really does go out to you.

[brooke]

Single Dad
My heart goes out to you. I have a little girl and I imagine how painful it would be to find her in this situation a few years down the road. Be patient and know that the sacrifices you have made for your daughter are not in vain. Be honest with her about your disappointment and sense of betrayal. But never attempt to withdraw the unconditional love that comes so naturally as a parent. Children need this anchor in their lives, even as adults. I believe the love and faith you have in your daughter will provide her with the strength to make choices that will be more congruent with love and respect for herself.
Hang in there!
Brooke

__________________________________________________ ______________
Visit my blog at PlainAdvice — It’s All About Living Better

[Single Dad]

Thank you all for your advice. I really do appreciate it, since I haven't been able to discuss this with anybody else, and it's killing me inside.

No need to apologize John. I was being a little sarcastic with the $29.95 comment. I am just furious at the thought that for $29.95 anybody can invade my child like that. But of course, doing this was her choice.

I am just trying to gather my emotions and come up with a plan before she comes home. I have never laid a finger or even yelled at her, and I won't start now. I thought we were best friends, and perhaps that's why I feel so betrayed.

[Nathan]

Single Dad,

I wish you the best of luck in resolving your feelings with your daughter. There is some good advice in this thread and I'd just like to remind you that she hasn't been completely honest because she loves you and didn't want to hurt you. It may not have been the best decision not to tell you, but it was out of love none the less.

[Uplift]

Gidday, sorry for your situation. I just think you have to be honest and straight with her, find out what's happening with her life and decisions. The same straightforward honesty used in your posts could be used with your daughter. Then you'll have a better idea of where you each stand. I hope it works out for both of you.

[Alchemiss]

I too am sorry to hear of your situation and your pain. The fact her behavior is incongruent with who you thought she was makes me wonder if there are more secrets underneath this one. The big thing that comes to mind, and I'm only mentioning it so you can mentally prepare yourself for the *possibility* if you haven't, is childhood sexual abuse that she could not bring forward for whatever reason.

I'm curious about the anonymous e-mail. I wonder if this person is trying to help her or hurt her. Plus the person had to know what she is doing and the fact you are her father AND your e-mail address. Is your e-mail address out in the public domain somewhere?

Again, so sorry to hear. Best of luck as you both work your way through this.

[Asmoday]

Well, the first step in healing is always self-forgiveness...

And, I'm just making a suggestion here, a suggestion. I don't know you or her, but....

Its true that every action produces an equal and opposite reaction.

Understanding why, and any part you had in it, will really, really help with any dialouge you have.

In short, even though its tough, until you accept truth, you cannot know her perspective. Until you understand her perspective, you'll be talking TO her not WITH her.

I'm only saying all this because I have seen exactly this before -- and almost always, the defensive reaction causes parents to loose children, and I'm sure that is not what you want.

[openeyes]

It seems like your daughter is simply taking advantage of her natural gifts in order to maximize income. One of my female friends who graduated near the top of her class seriously considered work as a stripper for a while during college, still planning on being an OB/GYN afterward. I think that for many young people the shock value of being some type of sex worker isn't nearly as intense as it's apt to be for their parents. Surveyed in the Netherlands, many people even see being a prostitute as a legitimate, respectable job (it is legal there, after all).

My view is that what your daughter is doing doesn't have to ruin her life. You mention she's in college and doing well. Porn is something that mostly works well while you're young. If you talk with her about any of this, maybe find out what her future plans are after her stint in porn. If nothing else, try to make sure she still has future plans. There's no guarantee she's gotten into hard drugs, particularly if she still feels loved and accepted by her family. Maintaining that strong father-daughter bond you mention is key.

She may also actually be safer from the effects of VD than the average college girl as she's apt to be more deliberate about her actions in that area, and should be more educated while also getting tested regularly. Many college kids are apt to operate from the view of "it can't happen to me". Thus an average girl could get chlamydia without any symptoms, never get checked for it, and end up sterile a few years later from something easily treated by antibiotics. Someone who gets tested regularly needn't worry nearly so much.

Best of luck.

[Asmoday]

Yeah, but he's still dealing with the whole ownership issue, and its worse because of the value set...

[Love]

I thought Shamou made an interesting point. That all around the world, people are hearing various things about their sons and daughters. Some are hearing worse. I think that's an interesting way of looking at things.

And Alchemiss raised the question of where did the informing e-mail come from. Is it possible that your daughter could have sent you that e-mail herself, or asked a friend to do it? It might mean that she is ready to talk.

I, too, agree, that an accepting attitude would lead to the best discussion of the past and future. I hold you in my heart and wish you the best.

[Dharma]

(I'm still wondering if you're a troll. Your post doesn't sit right. Something's not accurate.)

Anyhoo. Your love for your daughter is very conditional. Do you see that? You want to blame her for betraying you. How did she betray you? By becoming a porn star or not telling you she was a porn star?

I thought we were best friends, and perhaps that's why I feel so betrayed.

What are the conditions for you to be best friends? List them. These are your conditions on loving your daughter (and yourself).

What is she to you now? Tainted? Damaged? Immoral?

Why is her being a virgin so important to you? What other expectations have you placed upon her? Expectations are about the future and are bound to disappoint you.

This is a big wakeup point for you and your consciousness. Sorry it is so painful for you. This is really all about you, but I know, you want to make it about her and her choices. If you make it about your daughter you won't get anywhere, and might harm the relationship you have with her.

[Tuumble]

Originally Posted by Dharma

(I'm still wondering if you're a troll. Your post doesn't sit right. Something's not accurate.)

Anyhoo. Your love for your daughter is very conditional. Do you see that? You want to blame her for betraying you. How did she betray you? By becoming a porn star or not telling you she was a porn star?

I thought we were best friends, and perhaps that's why I feel so betrayed.

What are the conditions for you to be best friends? List them. These are your conditions on loving your daughter (and yourself).

What is she to you now? Tainted? Damaged? Immoral?

Why is her being a virgin so important to you? What other expectations have you placed upon her? Expectations are about the future and are bound to disappoint you.

This is a big wakeup point for you and your consciousness. Sorry it is so painful for you. This is really all about you, but I know, you want to make it about her and her choices. If you make it about your daughter you won't get anywhere, and might harm the relationship you have with her.

I have little doubt that this is all genuine but I think Dharma has made some very good points.

I can't imagine how you must feel but things happen for a reason and in this case you can't do anything to change it.

Someone mentioned the equal and opposite reaction - here's a page that's worth reading to get a perspective on that.

We don't know anything about you or your daughter and as such shouldn't be giving advice but merely points to consider. Having said that I think all you can do is talk to try and understand why it happened.

I wish the very best of luck.

[Ree]

From personal experience I can tell you that no matter what your daughter does in life or how far away from your value set she moves, the upbringing you gave her will always stay with her. The lessons she learned from you cannot be unlearned. She has chosen another path for her life however and all you can do now is accept that and try to find a compromise, a meeting place, where you two can still have a meaningful relationship. You must continue to let her know you love her and you'll be there for her. She may go full circle and decide to give up this lifestyle. She may not. Just be prepared to accept her for who she is, no matter what she decides to do. Have faith in yourself as a father and trust her as a grown woman to choose her own way.

[Erock]

Originally Posted by Single Dad

And I can't tell my friends because they will immediately go sign up for her website.

I can understand the part about your family maybe turning against her, but what kind of friends do you have that would, if you came to them asking for serious guidance on an issue reguarding your daughter, sign up for the very website and still have good conscience about it??? If you ask me, you need to find some new friends.

You gotta realize though, that ultimately, you can only control yourself. What your daughter does, especially now that she is an adult, is out of your control. I read a book recently, Freakonomics, and Levitt talks about how children learn from their parent's examples almost exclusively, versus what they say or try to "teach." I recommend confronting your daughter in a kind way, expressing concern that she's being safe, and making it clear that you are dissapointed in her lack of honesty. Then, refuse to let any more negative emotions into your system, and move on.

Good luck
Erock

[Brutha]

I'm curious about the anonymous e-mail. I wonder if this person is trying to help her or hurt her. Plus the person had to know what she is doing and the fact you are her father AND your e-mail address. Is your e-mail address out in the public domain somewhere?

The amount of people who visit porn websites isn't small.
If one of his friends visited the site, sending an email is something I find reasonable.
Telling someone: "Hey I have seen pornimages of your doughter while browsering porn" isn't something that many people would say in a face to face conversation.

I would like to ask for advice on how to handle this situation. I am very upset still, but I can't deny that I love her to death -- and I will completely forgive any mistakes she might have made in the past or might still be making -- but I want her to be safe and to become a productive member of society.

Their are far riskier behaviors, and she isn't doing anything against the law.
She seems to spent her money on a car instead of drugs.

While being a pornstar can have a negative effect on some jobs, she is still studing to get a good job.

[Christian223]

I feel your pain, i really do.

Sorry to say this, but i belive that there was a good reason for your daughter to be like that, there is allways a reason for everything, look for reasons in the way she was raised, and most importantly accept what you have done wrong, if you want her to change, you should change as well... children learn from their parents to be like them in the end...

[SeriousKidding.com]

That's an unfair knock, Christian. Children, regardless of how they were raised, still make choices. Yes, how they are raised can be a big determining factor, BUT it's NOT the ONLY one. I am a parent, and taught school kids for 30 years +. There's a lot kids can do on their own despite YOUR best intentions. The reason for everything is that people have FREE WILL, even YOUNG people. That's what it's all about. This young lady made a choice and it's working for her for now. She'll have to live with it, evaluate it, change it, or continue it however she feels is best for her. How you can blame a loving parent for this is about as fundamentally right-wing-wrong as it gets.

[Christian223]

Mhhh, you know, i understand what you mean, but it isnt what i meant either.

I think this is a great oportunity for carefull thought for him, and he should take it, even if it might seem hard, because sadly, there are many people who are raised with Christian values, and end up anywhere except beign a Christian, beign loving doesnt have anything to do with it because everyone make mistakes.