[Adult] My Daughter is a Porn Star

[Elenny]

Originally Posted by Uplift

I left out another part that may or may not be relevant. But people who have been sexually abused often view society as idiots, as the abusers have society on a string. Particularly in young people, who often aren't really equipped to deal with such heavy things as sexual abuse, that causes a F%## Y#@ response, which can be played out really radically. But who knows, not everyone that makes detrimental decisions is sexually abused, but it is a common reaction to sexual abuse, worth considering.

Uplift. I'm sorry you went through that pain for so long, but that is not the case with everyone. Really. Not everyone who gets in trouble as an adult was sexually abused as a child. By placing those ideas on people's minds I think we're doing more harm than good.

Sexual abuse is a big problem that needs to be addressed in society, but that is not the case with everyone like some people make it out to be.

There is also a chance that this girl grew up in a loving home, with a loving father, and when she arrived in college she decided to get into web modeling, which by the way, is not really the same thing as hardcore porn.

This poor man comes in here seeking advice for how to handle a situation, and now he's probably wondering if his daughter was sexually abused, or if he was a good father.

The fact that she's doing well in college, and that during her summer vacation she's e-mailing him pictures of her trip shows that she loves her father, and that she's a relatively stable young woman who perhaps was looking to make easy money and fell into the trap of web modeling.

We need to look at this from all angles and give the father the benefit of the doubt, because regardless of the situation this young woman is in right now, he still knows his daughter a lot better than anyone in here.

And once again, I am not denying that sexual abuse is a big problem, but it is not always the problem per se.

[Uplift]

Elenny, you quoted me, but only read and saw the bit you wanted to. I said, even in your edited, selected quote,

'But who knows, not everyone that makes detrimental decisions is sexually abused, but it is a common reaction to sexual abuse, worth considering.'

Considering it for the reasons I already outlined would make sense to me as a parent.

You highlight,

'This poor man comes in here seeking advice for how to handle a situation, and now he's probably wondering if his daughter was sexually abused, or if he was a good father.

The fact that she's doing well in college, and that during her summer vacation she's e-mailing him pictures of her trip shows that she loves her father, and that she's a relatively stable young woman who perhaps was looking to make easy money and fell into the trap of web modeling.

We need to look at this from all angles and give the father the benefit of the doubt, because regardless of the situation this young woman is in right now, he still knows his daughter a lot better than anyone in here.

And once again, I am not denying that sexual abuse is a big problem, but it is not always the problem per se.'


On the surface my life looked 'perfect' too, until the 'horror' of how I chose to live surfaced. My father and mother wonder the same things, and in my case, and a lot...in fact a continually growing number of cases...have every reason to. But again, as I pointed out, who knows, not everyone that makes detrimental decisions is sexually abused, but it is a common reaction to sexual abuse, worth considering.

Sexual abuse is such a big, growing problem, partly because of understandable reactions like yours. What about equal 'benefit of the doubt' to the daughter. Obviously people don't always know people as well as they assume. From experience, the whole thing is ridiculous, but ugly. Even if you tell the truth, most abusers deny it to the end, and the people who trust them implicitely are too humiliated and shocked to deal with it. And then there is overall societial denial. 'Not in our wonderful country...or home'. Some people do lie about sexual abuse and use it as an excuse or tool. However, while people are thinking about 'doing more harm than good' it is a huge, ballooning, global happening because of the secrecy and denial. Openness and honesty will have the best chance of getting to the truth in any situation.

[The David]

Prostitution is common among college aged students (not just among the 'skanky' ones, either), or so I hear. It's a way of making some extra cash when other things fall through. I would think what your daughter is doing would be even more common, since it is less risky and still caters to the decadent side of humanity enough to get attention.

My advice? I can't really say because I don't know either of you, and I don't really know what you're feeling. But I do know that parent-child relationships, especially around this age, can be very fragile and you don't want to do anything hasty. Like another poster said, she can walk right out the door if she sees fit.

I say this from the perspective of someone her age with parents who do not exactly relate to my life, and these things can get really messy if not handled properly.

[ChaosKiwi]

It sounds like this is going to be a challenging time for you single dad.

There seems to be some pretty good advice in this thread (and some not so good) so I just want to point out 2 observations I've had looking at this.

Firstly, make sure that she is doing this of her own free will when you talk to her.

Secondly, I wonder if her finances are that great? I mean, do you think she got the $40,000 bmw on finance? I suspect many pornsites dont automatically make people a lot of money. Perhaps she is in some debt?

Best of luck to you both in regaining a strong relationship.

[Single Dad]

I would like to answer some of the questions that have been raised:

1. The anonymous email came from a Yahoo account, and after tracking
the information on the email headers I realized it was sent from inside my company. I am not a techie, so I couldn't track it further, and right now I'm not sure I want to know exactly who sent it either, since that will
complicate matters in my head and it will not help me in dealing with
my daughter.

That's why I made the reference to my "friends", since my
closest friends also work with me, but we have over 600 employees who
work from that building, so it could have been anyone.

And I have worked there for 12 years, so many of those people have seen my daughter grow up, which disgusts me even more. The thought of more than one person at work knowing about this also has me a little distrought, so it is something I prefer not to deal with right now until I talk to my daughter, get her side of the story, and ensure that she will be okay moving forward.

2. I understand a parent can never be 100% sure that a child has not
been abused sexually, but I have no reason to believe that she was a
victim of sexual abuse, or of any type of abuse for that matter. She
is probably the happiest person I have ever known. But I guess it's hard
to understand that without knowing her.

3. Dharma: I'm sorry, but I have nothing to prove to you. You're
asking about my conditions for loving my daughter? And what is she to
me now? Playing the blame game? Thank you for taking the time to write Dharma, but I was asking for advice on how to deal with this situation when she comes home. I was not asking for an interrogation that doesn't make
any sense in the real world.

But just to make you feel good, you are better than me Dharma. You are probably the greatest human being on this earth Dharma. I will thank the universe tonight for the gift that your presence provides the internet!

4. Thank you all for taking the time to write. I appreciate your
responses.......most of them anyway. Some of your answers have really helped, as my mindset has shifted in the past 24 hours towards helping my daughter succeed instead of judging her for her bad decisions.

We will get through this together like we have everything else. The first thing I will do when I see her is give her a big hug and tell her how much I love her.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by Single Dad

But just to make you feel good, you are better than me Dharma. You are probably the greatest human being on this earth Dharma. I will thank the universe tonight for the gift that your presence provides the internet!

All your sarcasm aside, I thank you for responding. Yes there is some attitude in my post. I have done a lot of personal process in my time and there are long drawn out ways to do things and there are more direct methods of working with self. My methods don't seem to get you where you want to go, but they will. You have to move with what seems right to you, which you're doing.

Maybe in time a little a-ha will go on as to why I asked those questions. It's not an interrogation; I didn't need responses put on the net. Maybe I should have said that. It is quite possible that reading my questions and getting upset at me opened some space that needed to be opened. I'll take that as a win for the team.

Good luck to you Single Dad... let us know how it goes.

[JohnPlace]

Originally Posted by Single Dad

I would like to answer some of the questions that have been raised:

1. The anonymous email came from a Yahoo account, and after tracking
the information on the email headers I realized it was sent from inside my company. I am not a techie, so I couldn't track it further, and right now I'm not sure I want to know exactly who sent it either, since that will
complicate matters in my head and it will not help me in dealing with
my daughter.

That's why I made the reference to my "friends", since my
closest friends also work with me, but we have over 600 employees who
work from that building, so it could have been anyone.

And I have worked there for 12 years, so many of those people have seen my daughter grow up, which disgusts me even more. The thought of more than one person at work knowing about this also has me a little distrought, so it is something I prefer not to deal with right now until I talk to my daughter, get her side of the story, and ensure that she will be okay moving forward.

Oh boy. The plot thickens, and the full effect of your situation is becoming more clear.

Although your daughter has a right to live her life the way she chooses, as an adult, she is also responsible for the effect of her actions upon other people.

There is a balancing act between the needs of self and the needs of others, and whether or not your daughter is walking that line is subject to debate.

My personal opinion? One of the reasons this type of career is so unsavory is because of the unpleasant position that it puts others in.

[Michael Chui]

You are entirely overestimating people's ability to contemplate the distant ripples of their actions. You really only need to glance at the Hollywood tabloids to know it's not true. And yes, my implication is there: most of the actors and actresses, starlets, producers, etc... they're generally smart people. But they run into the exact same situation: their income depends largely on their fame, which in turn brings in all sorts of unwanted attention.

The thought process generally goes,

"Okay, so I can make money doing this."
"Okay, so if I get more publicity, I can make more money."
"Let's get more publicity."

The fact that certain persons that you don't want to see your stuff will is a zoom-out big picture, soom-in detail mental leap that people generally do not make. So, if she anticipated that her father would be thus harmed by her publicity, then she might be at fault. If she didn't, then it's flat-out ignorance, which, while disappointing, is not inherently wrong.

That said, the funniest comment I've heard about the "unplesant position it puts others in" is, if you date a porn star, you end up hearing from all your friends what her favorite positions are. Which is, needless to say, a bit creepy.

[John Hill]

The choices your daughter has made are completely her decision and this is in no way your fault. You have been a good father to her under difficult circumstances and you shouldn't blame yourself or think perhaps there was more you could have or should have done.

At the young age of 20 she has been tempted by big money, perhaps the idea of an exciting lifestyle and who knows what else is on her mind. When I was 20 I certainly didn't tell my parents everything that was on my mind and she is probably the same.

I know it is probably no consolation but I bet the parents of all the other porn stars out there probably feel the same way you do. I bet most of them are good people to.

John

[Interpreneur]

Hello Single Dad:

I would like to share some information with you which might or might not help.

Don't ask me how I know of all this, because it is all behind me now, but the "net girl" industry is huge. It accounts for a large percentage of the money spent online (and not just under the adult material categories).

Your daughter was definitely enticed into it by the quick and easy money. That's the reason all girls do it. For many it is very difficult to turn down $1000 in cash for a few hours of posing for a camera and the promise that "the internet is so big, no one you know will ever find out".

There are two types of net girls. The ones that do it once or even a few times and quit. They make anywhere from $500 to $2000 per day (depending on their looks and what they're willing to do), and you never hear from them again (although those pictures and movies will stay online forever).

Then there are the girls who are actively involved in their web sites. They understand the value and the potential of what they're doing, and they are pretty much in charge of their own net careers. Their websites get updated frequently, they have very active blogs, live video chats, etc. These girls make the most money because they are getting a good chunk of the profits.

If your daughter's web site has thousands of pictures like you said, she is probably in the latter category, and that's (considering everything) a good thing, because she's probably not being taken advantage of by some sleek talking photographer. She is well aware of what she's doing and she's in charge.

A lot of the girl/girl scenes are fake. They are simply posed for the camera, meaning the girls are not really having sex. I'm not sure that would make a father feel any better, but if you're going to challenge your daughter on this, you should know something about the stuff you're questioning her about (she's probably NOT a lesbian).

The net girl side of the industry is not as dark and dirty as some people make it out to be. The process usually goes like this. An ad will be placed in a newspaper or web site read by local college students seeking "models". When the girl calls, a female will answer, and will invite the girl to do a test shoot.

When the girl arrives in the photo studio, the apartment, or where ever they are shooting, they will tell her that the only models they need at that point are nude models, and depending on her looks, they will wave a stack of $100 bills in her face.

A lot of this is done by another female, so the girls feel more at ease with the process. These "test shoots" are actually real shoots. Those pictures will be online within days, if not hours. Some homelier girls do it for as little as $100, while the prettier ones know they are worth more, but a large percentage of these girls drop their clothes very easily at the sight of cash.

If the girl is reluctant and she has potential (good looking face, body, etc.), they will start discussing a full blown web site, and long term earnings potential.

Even though there are some shady characters doing this (just like everything else in life), a lot of the agencies running these websites are very professional. They shoot in very clean and safe environments, and some even have women running the show because of the comfort level these girls have with other women.

So moral issues aside, your daughter might not be in trouble. She's probably making very good money doing very easy work while concentrating on school.
And like I said before, they probably convinced her that the internet is so big, that no one she knows will ever find out about this.

Unfortunately, everybody is online now (as opposed to the late 1990s), so if she gets famous within those circles, or even if she doesn't become all that popular, there is still a good chance someone that knows her will eventually run into the pictures. And that's probably what happened here.

The person that found her pics might be a pervert, but he (or she) is probably legimitely concerned about her, and that's why you got the anon e-mail.

A lot of college girls do this. College girls are prime targets because a lot of them still look very young, but they are old enough to do this legally. And like I said, there is a huge market for this. We can't hide reality here.

A specific case I knew of, the girl, (a very popular net girl who a lot of men in this forum have probably seen online, either on purpose or by accident) went to Arizona State for six years while supporting herself and paying for tuition with her website, operated from a small apartment right outside campus, and later out of her large home in an exclusive Phoenix neighborhood. She went there for six years and nobody ever found out who she was. Or if they found out, nobody told. And she was very popular online, to the point where now she has done a lot of mainstream stuff on TV and movies. But for six years at ASU nobody knew who she was, and now she has millions in the bank.

Of course, not all stories are success stories, but based on the little information you gave us about your daughter, she's probably doing well financially and she is safe, and still a good person.

So you don't approve of her part time job, but you probably wouldn't be all that happy if she was a waitress either, so take the good with the bad, count your blessings that you still have a relationship with your daughter, and continue being the supportive father you have always been.

If she stays in school she will eventually quit doing this and get a real career, and unless she becomes a famous singer or actress, nobody will ever bring this up again. It might seem embarrassing to you now, but there are bigger problems in this world. Screw what people at your work think. Even if the 500 people in your work saw the site, who cares. Hopefully they all paid a subscription and your daughter made more money.

Feel free to PM me if you want more information about this industry or if you'd like to talk by phone.

[Michael Chui]

*amused* Speaking of the industry, Evelyn Lin got "interviewed" (it's not an interview; they discuss what to wear. *snorts*) by a producer.

YouTube - donny long interviews evelyn lin

[andrew]

While I know it maybe hard to see your daughter sexual like this, you have to accept it. Fighting it will only push you away from her.

Sex is natural, and if you did raise her with 'good Christian values', maybe she finds this experience liberating. Really, if she's responsible and has a good head on her shoulders like you raised her, what do you have to worry about? Posing naked and exploring other women is just about as safe as it gets. Would you rather her work construction? Driving a car is more dangerous. Now it is a bit different if she's doing tons of wild orgies on the street with sketchy people, but by what you say, it seems up and up.

Now I know it is disturbing for it to be YOUR daughter, and I can't exactly relate. But you have to look at the positives. Are you really ashamed that your daughter's beautiful and can make money just by taking some pictures? You've got good genes, be proud.

You may not agree with me, that's fine. I just wanted to try and provide a different outlook for you to be more accepting. You know it could be a lot worse, she could be a drunk, druggie, a criminal, a racist, a politician, or she could hate you for not accepting this. I really think you need to make this not a big deal because this is what'll happen:

You'll tell her that you need talk, it's important. She'll start racing in her head about what could be wrong. Then you tell her you found out, and you can't believe she did this. She will then freak-out because she didn't want you to know. Then you'll react with something like "how could you do this", or "how could you not tell me?". She will then get more upset, and say it's not a big deal, then you get angry and say it is, then she'll say it's her life, and you say it's only because you love her, then she'll say it's because you just want to control her, etc etc...

Now that's that bad way to do this. This is what she expects to happen if you find out. So you want to do everything besides this. If you come to her from compassion and accepting it, without making it a big deal and being on the same level, she will respect you so much more, and you will be even closer.

Good luck, and I hope you make the right decision and all goes well.
Andrew

[Brutha]

Really, if she's responsible and has a good head on her shoulders like you raised her, what do you have to worry about? Posing naked and exploring other women is just about as safe as it gets. Would you rather her work construction? Driving a car is more dangerous.

While it there are certainly more dangerous jobs, it can destroy the carrier of people when their enviroment gets to know that they are a porn star.
Someone who has a job in politics or a higher management position could be blackmailed with that kind of information.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Brutha

While it there are certainly more dangerous jobs, it can destroy the carrier of people when their enviroment gets to know that they are a porn star.
Someone who has a job in politics or a higher management position could be blackmailed with that kind of information.

That's society's problem. We have a tendency to be blind to the better qualities of a person and prefer the people who are squeaky clean to the point of insanity.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Someone who has a job in politics or a higher management position could be blackmailed with that kind of information.

In case anyone has forgotten... we are now in the year 2007... morals have changed and people are much more opened than they used to be...

Bill Clinton has had a few escapades... they may not have been seen on the Net but they were described in very graphic details... and he's still doing pretty good for himself...

It's all on how you see yourself... and how much the public opinion means to you... personally I don't give a hooch...

.

[coleflowers]

I don't want to offend you, but what your daughter does for a living, and sexually is her business. There are a lot of dad's out there who would be horrified if they saw the activities there daughter's were doing while away at college (not just sexually). Her sex life, even if it is a professional one, is her business. I doubt you share details of your sex life with her?

If she hasn't told you and has been doing this for a couple of years, than she does not want you to know. I would suggest not talking to her about it, and instead talk to friends or family members who would be understanding and loving to you. If you feel ashamed talking about this to people you know you could consult with a therapist. Perhaps there is a time when it would be appropriate to talk to your daughter, but I would be careful confronting her when the wound is still fresh. It would be very sad for you to say something you would later regret, and end up seriously hurting your relationship with your daughter.

[Michael Chui]

Btw, this thread is going to get replies for a very long time...

[SeriousKidding.com]

I have been thinking about this for awhile now. The fact that you portray your daughter as a porn "star" actually is somehow almost a little bit positive. You didn't say she was into porn, or the dark side of the sex industry, you called your daughter a "star." You obviously love her dearly. That's the good part. I agree, it IS her life, but your kids are ALWAYS your kids no matter how old they are. You want the best for them, even if it differs from what they feel is best. I admire your courage in discussing this openly. And, I feel for you, that is for certain. I think speaking to her about it might be the best thing you could do, of course, not knowing how that might go over.

[Iksander]

Thumbs up Interpreneur.