Heading for Divorce after 11 months-crying since this morning

[tweety17]

I am extremely emotional and devastated. My husband and I were up all night and early morning arguing about our relationship and where its headed and it boils down to the issue he has with my two 15 year old cats.

About 6 months ago I moved the cats to the basement so that he can avoid any fur, litter smell etc. He still complains that he smells the litter and unfortunatley I don't nor do any other visitors to the house. I know he is super sensitive and so I clean the litter daily. So he said to choose him or the cats. I made arrangements to have my sister take the cats and when I told him that he blew up again as he said that's not getting rid of the problem. I could not understand why he would say that as the cats are the problem and they are out of the picture. In talking futher he mentioned that now it will be a bigger problem because now the rest of the family will say oh he's allergic to the cats and so got rid of them. (background we have issues with my family and him as my parents and a 4 of my sisters never accepted him even though I met him when I was 40)

Anyways we've known each other for 7 years now and prior to getting married last August we lived together for 3 years. I have heard that the 7th year is the toughest and I don't know why but I have to agree

I am so crushed to think that he has given up on this marriage. I asked if he would go to counseling and he said yes but he used to be a counselor so he said he doesn't know what it can do for our relationship. But he ended up packing a few things early this morning and left and all I have been doing is crying ever since.....

He mentioned that we are on different paths. All I know is I don't want him to leave! He had asked me why I love him and why should he stay. I gave him my reasons, #1 being I loved him and that I love all his stories, his sensitivity, not afraid to stand up and ask questions, his directiveness, etc. but I guess that wasn't enough. He knows I have problems in communicating as I do not like confrontations and I tend to mumble/jumble my words when in that situation or my mind goes blank and I end up saying nothing. Now I know why people go crazy and commit suicide in this type of situation

When he walked out the door he took my heart with him and our first year anniversary is August 15th...I don't know how I will survive this. He did call to see if I was okay and of course I told him I was devastated and he said he was too but he didn't want to go around the same circle again.

He said we both should take a few days to think things over but I know he won't change his mind as he has already indicated he has compromised alot in this relationship but I think we both have. I have sent him an email...seeing I really fall short on the communications end of things, and just laid it out on the line and told him how I feel and how I did not chose the cats over him and how I hope he would reconsider.

I apologize for all this babbling but I had to let it out.

[Erin Pavlina]

You might want to pick up a copy of the book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. You guys are in a perfect situation for the book.

It sounds though like the cats was just an excuse for a bigger issue.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[SeriousKidding.com]

So sorry to hear about your traumatic trials. Staying up all night often renders things surreal. Lack of sleep makes it all that much harder to sort things out. It it's just the cats, well let's be honest, they're 15. How much longer are they going to live, anyway? (Please don't take it the wrong way, we lost our 17 1/2 year-old cat recently.) But, he's always known you with the cats. Why is he suddenly citing them as the problem? You've done all you can to please him by moving the cats downstairs. Sounds like HE needs to do some growing up, some compromising, or some rigorous inner work. Just because he's a counselor doesn't mean he couldn't benefit from therapy. That's just a lame excuse. My 2 cents, and nothing more.

[Elenny]

Hi Tweety17,

I also agree that the cats are not the real issue. And your family is not the problem either. There must be something else going on that HE needs to deal with (not necessarily you).

Taking a time out is not always a bad thing. It will help you both regain some clarity, take a step back, and figure out what went wrong.

Please take care of yourself. We have all been through heartbreaks before, but things DO get better with time, as cliché as that might sound.

And continue posting here. We might not be of much help, but at least you'll know you're not completely alone in this ordeal.

[llong]

Originally Posted by Elenny

There must be something else going on that HE needs to deal with (not necessarily you).

I'm really sorry but this is nonsense and I disagree totally. Dumping fault/blame on the other person is nothing short of quitting.

I'd rather wonder if I'd like to itch, see through watery eyes, and get rashes because my spouse loves cats.

Dwell on solutions rather than problems.

[Love]

This sounds like a very tough and emotional area. I'm young and don't have experience with this area, but I'd like you to know that you are in my thoughts and that I wish you peace.

[Elenny]

Originally Posted by llong

I'm really sorry but this is nonsense and I disagree totally. Dumping fault/blame on the other person is nothing short of quitting.

I'd rather wonder if I'd like to itch, see through watery eyes, and get rashes because my spouse loves cats.

Dwell on solutions rather than problems.

llong,

Do the math. The cats are 15 years old, they have known each other for 7 years, lived together for 3, and have been married for 11 months.

How come cats are all of the sudden an issue?

It's too bad that you also hate cats llong, but this is not about you.

[llong]

Originally Posted by Elenny

llong,

Do the math. The cats are 15 years old, they have known each other for 7 years, lived together for 3, and have been married for 11 months.

How come cats are all of the sudden an issue?

It's too bad that you also hate cats llong, but this is not about you.

Allergies come and go. Knowing each other isn't living together, and maybe the house isn't sufficiently cleaned and the dander is accumulating. I don't know, and neither do you. I am looking for solutions that preserve a marriage, not excuses to end it. Seriouslykidding's point about the "surreal all night fight" is spot on.

I never said I hate cats. I have owned at least 50 cats in my life. Please think before typing.

[tweety17]

Thank you all for your thoughts and input. I hope to hear from him tomorrow or Wednesday and sit down with him to see what exactly he feels the problem is. I agree that there is something deeper than the cats.

I have already arranged couple counseling and just waiting to hear back from the counselor with a time/date.

Once my husband does call to let me know when he'll be back, I plan to bring the cats to my sisters so that he will know I have compromised and the cats are out of the house.

It will be up to him which road he wants to choose as in the 2 emails I had sent him I expressed what I wanted and hopefully he wants too. I told him I wasn't going to beg but I need him to tell me why he wouldn't/doesn't want to work on this. So it will be up to him if he wants to walk out on this relationship but I hope and pray he decides that it is worth working on this and not because he doesn't have anywhere else to go.

It's day three and I'm just waiting patiently and nervously to hear from him as I will not contact/email him again pending hearing from him. It is so tough not to now pick up the phone to see where he is or shoot another email to him but I've expressed all my thoughts and what I would like in those 2 emails.

It is now all up to him.

[KLmasina]

Here's another thought.

Ask yourself why you are so attached to him and this relationship? Why is it so important to you at this time?

Can you let go, and trust that what will happen, will happen? Can you trust that the best thing will happen, and not be attached to what that is?

Can you take some time for yourself and do a meditation, imaging your life without this person? Can you allow yourself to open up to all possibilities?

My husband and I found our first year of marriage VERY tough. We went through some difficult issues and fights. The turning point came for me when I let go of the relationship. I literally handed it over to the Universe, stopped trying to control it and make it happen... and just trusted in the process.

We're still married, and we've come out the other side of those particular issues.

I know that those questions above are not easy to work through - I cried and cried and cried as I went through the process. but something changed within me when I just accepted where we were right then... and that change allowed me to respond in love rather than fear.

My heart goes out to you, no matter what happens, relationships are often are toughest teachers.

Find your centre, your strength, your power, your love.

Much joy,
KL

[Dharma]

tweety17,

Take everything you said in your initial post and make it about you. Your problem will be obvious

I am extremely emotional and devastated. I and myself were up all night and early morning arguing about my relationship and where its headed and it boils down to the issue I have with myself.

Yes, it reads a little weird, but it's something called reflection. It works with any issue in life. It practically drops the answer in your lap. Here's more:

I moved myself (cats) to the basement so that I can avoid any fur, litter smell etc. I still complain that I smell myself ( the litter) and unfortunately I don't nor do any other selves. I know I am super sensitive so I clean myself (the litter) daily. So I said to choose me or myself. I made arrangements to have myself taken away (away to sister’s) and when I told me that I blew up again as I said that's not getting rid of the problem. I could not understand why I would say that as I am the problem and I am out of the picture. In talking further I mentioned that now it will be a bigger problem because now the rest of me will say "oh I’m allergic to myself and so got rid of myself." (background I have issues with me and 4 of my selves never accepted me)

This part requires a little symbolism. Cats typically are the unconscious self and a littler box is where you put your s**t. So you're telling yourself you are moving the unconscious parts of you that are being a problem into the basement of self. Typically we don't go in the basement much, so you're trying to take an issue that's mostly in your unconscious and bury it fully in your unconscious so you don't have to deal with it.

But it won't go away this time (you still smell it). You even told yourself quite explicitly "that's not going to fix the problem" and you should start looking at yourself for answers ("I am the problem").

And the last line their points to self-acceptance as being the issue.

I mentioned that I am on different paths. All I know is I don't want me to leave! I had asked me why I love me and why I should stay. I gave myself my reasons, #1 being I love me and that I love all my stories, my sensitivity, not afraid to stand up and ask questions, my directiveness, etc. but I guess that wasn't enough. I know I have problems in communicating as I do not like confrontations and I tend to mumble/jumble my words when in that situation or my mind goes blank and I end up saying nothing. Now I know why I go crazy and commit suicide in this type of situation

So look at this, there's part of you that loves you, is sensitive, not afraid, and is direct. I am talking about you here, not your husband. There is also a part that thinks you are a bad communicator, gets confused, and cannot handle confrontation. How can these two exist in one person? It's happening right now. You husband mirrors the part of you that is sitting in the unconscious, waiting to be expressed. He reflects all the things you think you're not and are in denial of.

I said I should take a few days to think things over but I know I won't change my mind as I have already indicated I have compromised a lot in this relationship.

So what have you compromised in this relationship? (the relationship with yourself) I can't be in this world with my expression? my assertiveness? my aggression? my reception of self? (I'm wrong for being the way I am.) And to top it off you feel a little righteous about it all ("I won't change my mind").

Counseling is a good move. Work on your expression and the story you have around it (why I feel I cannot express whatever it is I want to, why do I feel I'm not good at it?, what will happen if I express? do I fear what will come back?). What stories do you have around being direct and assertive?

[brooke]

Tweety-
I am so sorry you are having these problems in your marriage. It sounds to me like you are being proactive and doing what you can. I say follow your gut on this and do what your intution tells you, and you will end up where you need to be. Please keep us posted with how things are going.
Brooke

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___________
Visit my blog at PlainAdvice — It’s All About Living Better

[Bruce Achterberg]

When life proves most challenging -- to the point where hope seems lost -- I find it useful to expand my awareness past my individual problems and turn my focus to a broader perspective... one that helps remind me of what is important in life. Doing so serves to awaken the strength you have within so that you may use it to pick yourself up and continue moving forward with renewed vigour.

With that said, I wish to share this quote with you:

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see in truth that you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

~ Kahlil Gibran, 'The Prophet'

While your current situation may be quite painful, I encourage you to do your best to endure it. Don't "go dark" to escape the pain, for only when you maintain your awareness will you have access to your true power. Experiences such as these serve to awaken the dormant resources at the innermost levels of your being -- resources you probably didn't know existed -- so that you may come out at the end as a more conscious human being with greater capacity.

I hope both you and your partner reach a resolution that works out to be the best for both of you, and may you have the courage to keep moving forward, regardless of what comes your way.

[lupinski272]

I don't mean to make a stressful situation more traumatic, but I agree that the cats are not the real issue. It almost sounds like he is cheating and using any excuse possible to end the relationship with you. Has he contacted you in the last 3 days? If not...why? What is occupying his time? It may be an ugly scenario, but after 7 years the whole cat thing just doesn't add up. I am praying that God gives you strength and the wisdom to see you through this. I am so very sorry for the pain he is causing you. I know that pain all too well and it cuts right to the bone. If you need to talk, I'm here to listen. Feel free to PM me.

[tweety17]

Well I was expecting hubby to come back yesterday but instead I receive an email saying in one line "he won't be back there" and then in the next line at least not until after Friday, maybe weekend some time.

The way I read it is he has made up his mind that he won't be back as why would he separate his response into two sentences/lines.......

I guess I should get my heart set on him just coming back to pick up his stuff.......

I saw him online earlier and said hi...but he ignored me, which I guess was fine if he needs his time.

It is just so heart wrenching that I think he won't even try to work on this relationship and tell my what the real issue is and not use the cats as an excuse!!!

I'm hoping I'm wrong but this weekend will tell and now I have to continue to worry myself and have additional nights of non-sleeping.

[lupinski272]

I'm so sorry this is happening. I can only tell you from experience that you need to try and take care of yourself right now. Make sure you get enough sleep and that you eat something. I wish I could make it all go away. I also wish he would tell you the truth. I'm a firm believer that the truth, no matter how ugly or hurtful is always better than the unknown. Try and take comfort in the fact that there are many people out here with very large shoulders for you to lean on and cry on if necessary. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[llong]

Originally Posted by tweety17

It is just so heart wrenching that I think he won't even try to work on this relationship and tell my what the real issue is and not use the cats as an excuse!

Do you have any guesses? Anything else going on that might have prompted this reaction from him?

Would you be willing to have the cats stay elsewhere at least temporarily?

[Keith]

Originally Posted by lupinski272

I don't mean to make a stressful situation more traumatic, but I agree that the cats are not the real issue. It almost sounds like he is cheating and using any excuse possible to end the relationship with you.

Let's not leap to the assumption that wanting to end the relationship means that he's having an affair! I can imagine any number of grievances that could have built up over 11 years.

Tweety,
I think you're reading too much into line spacing in an email. And what Lupinski said : take care of yourself.

[Brendon Colby]

I have to say that I just absolutely feel for you. I don't know why some people choose to end relationships so abruptly but I know how painful it can be! I really do wish you the best!

Brendon

[tweety17]

As an update on this topic, husband came home around 1:30 in the afternoon. He came in dropped off his suitcase, went back outside, used the garden hose to wash/rinse his car, pulled up his car into the driveway and came in the house. I said hello, he ignored me, went into the fridge and grabbed a soda, drank some left the can on the counter and then went upstairs and went to bed.

So I went off shopping and driving around. This is a 50 year old man acting so immature. I have an appointment for counseling tommorow and I'm hoping he will go with me as it's a couples counselor.

I just want to go upstairs and wake him up and say lets talk but I know he'll just say he doesn't want to talk about it right now.

Also, I have moved the cats to my sister's house so they are out of the house and should not be an issue! Obviously like everyone has mentioned in their reply to my post, there has to be something deeper that he's not telling me and hopefully he'll tell me or he will bring it up in counseling (if he comes with me).

Thank you all for your support in this trying time.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am sorry about your situation. Even if he doesn't go with you, see the counselor. You can't make him talk or try, but you can take care of yourself. I'm sending you my love and support.

[aabukar]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I am sorry about your situation. Even if he doesn't go with you, see the counselor. You can't make him talk or try, but you can take care of yourself. I'm sending you my love and support.

Totally agree with aspiring_to_clarity. Even if he does not want to go with you go by yourself.. Hope it will work out for you ... keep us updated and good luck and best wishes dear