When it's just not meant to be...

[JimOfferman]

How do you cope? How do you let go?

I've developed certain feelings for a close friend of mine, but the chances of seeing those feelings returned are all but completely non-existent (if only because it would require a different sexual alignment in both of us). As much as my heart desires it, there is just no chance that pursuing this relationship would lead to anything other than heartbreak and pain for the both of us. It would just be wrong. This is just not meant to be... time to back up, take another turn and just move on.

Or so my head thinks. My heart, however, downright refuses to let go.

I know from prior experience that, eventually, my heart will cave in and move on. But I'd like to get there a little faster, so I can focus on developing other relationships that do stand a chance of being more than friends. Any advice on how to get to that goal?

[Akashic_Librarian]

Everything you experience, feel, smell, touch, taste, love...

everything is created by you. Thus...

Well...I will let you figure out the right path...

[Mark Lapierre]

If you're at all like most people, your heart won't let go because you have a need that isn't currently being fulfilled, and so you're attached to the idea of your close friend being the one to fulfill that need. As long as you have that need, your heart won't be able to let go.

So you have two options. 1) satisfy the need, or 2) dispel the need.

How you do either depends entirely on what the need is... Can you identify it?

[Love]

That makes a lot of sense, Mark. I think that's good advice.

[JimOfferman]

Hey Mark,

Thanks for your great advice. I can certainly identify what the need is: I need to find my significant other, someone to share love with. At the risk of sounding terribly cliché, all my other needs are (partially or wholly) fulfilled. I have everything I want, except for someone to share everything with.

In a way, yes, I guess I'm attached to the idea of my friend fulfilling that need - I suppose my dreams and fantasies about our imagined relationship act as a surrogate for the real thing.

Which, rationally, gives me all the more reason to want to move on. Why can't I just fantasize about someone who is more available to me?

@Akashic: some day, I might believe that I'm in complete control of everything I experience... but I'm not there yet, not by a long shot

[Akashic_Librarian]

@jim.

Fair enough my friend But let me tell you, when you DO realise you are in control...things just start to click into place like they ahve been lined up for you, your whole life. Its magical (if I didn't know any better )

[somaziro]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Hey Mark,

Thanks for your great advice. I can certainly identify what the need is: I need to find my significant other, someone to share love with. At the risk of sounding terribly cliché, all my other needs are (partially or wholly) fulfilled. I have everything I want, except for someone to share everything with.

In a way, yes, I guess I'm attached to the idea of my friend fulfilling that need - I suppose my dreams and fantasies about our imagined relationship act as a surrogate for the real thing.

Which, rationally, gives me all the more reason to want to move on. Why can't I just fantasize about someone who is more available to me?

@Akashic: some day, I might believe that I'm in complete control of everything I experience... but I'm not there yet, not by a long shot

i think most of these problems stem from not 'being out there' if that makes sense. i think that perhaps making yourself available and making an effort to meet as many different people as is healthy will allow you to find someone else to meet the needs that your friend can't. it is easy to get hung up on your friend because there is no one else for you to have those feelings with, there is no one else because you have not met anyone else - the more people you meet the greater chance you have (god i hate cliche's... way to go there are more fish in the sea...) anyway. meet more people!

if your feelings are actually bringing you pain, maybe you need to not hang around with this friend again? or at least not until you find a romantic relationship with someone? i don't know

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Why can't I just fantasize about someone who is more available to me?

Gotta find 'em first, innit?

[unicorn]

I used to have a lot of that sort of trouble when I was younger. Up until I was 33 I always got crushes on "impossible" candidates, there was something blocking it every time.

What solved this for me was that I realized that I was scared silly of loosing my indepence, of having to compormise on my beloved habits and subject myself to accepting/dealing with someone elses habits/needs close up. So basically choosing impossible situations was my subconscious way of avoiding that scenario and still giving me access to the emotions of a crush.

Working throught those issues by making myself a solid list of criterions on what I did not want to compromise on, what kind of partner I could love and deal with and what kind of partner I wanted to be to someone, gave me a much clearer perspective on what to look for, and my fears dissolved as I wowed to myself that I would find a person that could deal with me as I am, give me the freedom and indepence I need and appreciate me as a partner the way I wanted to be as a partner and of course be attractive to me and attracted to me. Once I had that list, clarity on my wishes and requirements, the right guy turned up in my life just 3 weeks down the road... Now we have a 10 year history and are still happy with our choice of each other.

[Brutha]

Which, rationally, gives me all the more reason to want to move on. Why can't I just fantasize about someone who is more available to me?

I don't understand why it should be hard for you to set 10 minutes aside each day to fantesise about a specific person XYZ who is available.

[JimOfferman]

Thanks all for your insights!

@Mark / somaziro: I do go out to meet other people. I've also had various dates with a lovely woman in the past month, but when those didn't pan out to anything more than friendship (due to unresolved issues in her past), I fell right back into this 'trap' I've built.

Perhaps part of the problem is that it's actually quite a nice trap to be in...

@Brutha: That's not hard at all, I can sit down at any time and fantasize about someone who is available. What is difficult however, is not having fantasies about this particular friend spring up on me when I least expect it - i.e. when I'm busy at work, etc.

@unicorn: Your comment resonated most with me, although I am not entirely sure why. I want to loose my independence - half the walls in my house are purposely empty. But, still, losing something is always scary - even if you also gain in the process.

I've been pondering about love and friendship a lot in the past week. Among other things, I've come to realize that how much love or friendship I give to someone is entirely up to me. It's my gift to give, with no strings attached.

(Naturally, I do plan to eventually share my life with someone who wants to give me some love too...)

[somaziro]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

How do you cope? How do you let go?

I've developed certain feelings for a close friend of mine, but the chances of seeing those feelings returned are all but completely non-existent (if only because it would require a different sexual alignment in both of us). As much as my heart desires it, there is just no chance that pursuing this relationship would lead to anything other than heartbreak and pain for the both of us. It would just be wrong. This is just not meant to be... time to back up, take another turn and just move on.

Or so my head thinks. My heart, however, downright refuses to let go.

I know from prior experience that, eventually, my heart will cave in and move on. But I'd like to get there a little faster, so I can focus on developing other relationships that do stand a chance of being more than friends. Any advice on how to get to that goal?

Like you said in your original post - your goal is 'move on' faster and develop a relationship with someone else.

In your response to me, you stated that after dating someone that didn't work out you fell back into 'your trap'. The answer is right there. I mean if this friendship is a real hurdle to you meeting your goal (getting over your friend so that you can find a relationship) then you honestly need to stop talking/seeing your friend. At least until you move on. Think of it as breaking up with a GF/BF - you really need to 'get over them' even in this case where you never actually dated. Once you 'get over them' hopefully the feelings you have for your friend will be much less/different and your friend won't constantly be in your mind. I also don't think this is a quick fix, it is not like after not seeing them for a week you are magically not going to think about them - it will probably take a few months.

good luck

[JimOfferman]

Yeah, I'd love to do a proper cold turkey detox, but I just can't. Our lives are intertwined in such a way that I just can't avoid this friend for a couple of months. I can, however, hang back and minimize exposure... guess that'll have to do.

[ExploringTheMatrix]

Being around someone that you can't be with can be one of the most useful relationships you can have. It pushes you, aggravates you, disrupts your comfort zone, and ensures you don't get what you want.

Look at this as an opportunity to grow and find out how to love someone regardless of what they can give back. It's an amazing experience and can help you become more selfless.