Online Gaming Relationship Trouble

[Nyx]

Hello All,

I've been an online gamer since 2005 and I've always enjoyed the game, the time I spend having fun with the people online etc. However recently around March this year, I met this guy online, and it kinda really clicked between us cos we were both from the same far-away country playing on a US server. Was fun while it lasted, I joined his guild and went well for a while.

Since then, we've transferred server to suit our game time and things have gone downhill. He's started to be rude at times, talking only when it suits him, being sweet only when he needs assistance etc. He's also started to hang around with some other chick on this new server.

At first, I was really bothered by all this, avoiding going online when he is online and slowly reducing my game-time. He's the more popular between the two of us in our guild, while I'm just the quiet type although I love hanging around and help folks. I feel awkward hanging around with him now. I try to be friendly and say hi, but it just makes it weird and all cos at times he just doesn't respond back. Should I just ignore him? Gaming is no longer fun when there's personal issues in it.

I know this might sound superficial to some, but it bothers me a lot because I really love gaming and I have invested quite some time and effort to be where I am. Quitting the game or the guild is not something I want to do.

Any advice?

Thanks.

Nyx

[Chet]

Relationships on the internet are not real, be they in a game or chat room you can't know who(what) is really typing that stuff. When I was gaming a bit a friend told me I should assume everyone I met was actually a kid pretending to be whatever, and lieing. I think that was some pretty good advice but awfully hard to keep in the front of your mind, especially when you are not really you but some great wizard/warrior in a world where magic works (or there is space travel or whatever your thing is).
Best advice is remember to be your character not you when you play.

LOL. Now that said I admit I don't follow my own advice, my boyfriend is guy I met playing a game

[Alchemiss]

Sadly, in-game friendships/relationships aren't actually "real". In my brief gaming career (I'm thrilled I escaped it, by the way), my husband was guildmaster and I was a guild officer and we ran a close-knit mid-size guild in a MMPORG game. Funny how when we quit, our in-game "friends" aren't our friends any more--we just don't have that much in common any more and they don't get why we left. They only got in touch to see if we were going to rejoin when a game expansion came out. We were already happily free by then.

So yes, I would ignore this guy. Gaming is supposed to be about having fun so look for other people to have fun with since he is being fickle. I would stay open to the possibility of finding another guild at some point if he reduces your fun. This stuff does hurt even though it isn't "real" but I think gaming environments allow people to behave in ways they wouldn't in real life.

[Nyx]

I guess the amount of time I spend online makes me take it on a personal level.

We've exchanged pics and even emails and were planning to see each other in a few months time. We've always talked about how it would be awesome the first time we meet up etc. I find it hard that a person can just cut off like that even though it is in game.

I guess I'll just troop it and hard as it is, this dude is everywhere, at most I'll just leave my guild which would make me sad cos I have made a lot of friends there. Lesson learned: not to take things so seriously in game. Yep. Cos it really spoils the fun.

[Alchemiss]

Unfortunately, the feelings are the same as if you were face to face. It feels real even though there is a "oh I can get away with being a jerk more easily here" element in all of it. I hate to say it but a lot of the motivation for "friendship" in the game is also how much you can leverage each other to accomplish the tasks and get the items you are interested in. Shallow but true. You definitely deserve better. I recommend looking outside the game (and spending more time outside the game) for romantic relationships and deeper, more meaningful friendships.

Take care!

[Nyx]

It still hurts though. I just came from my game. Definitely no fun. I feel like quitting and I'm so mad cos I can't enjoy my game anymore. This was my outlet from real life to let go. Grrr.

[Mark Lapierre]

I strong disagree with everyone who has said online relationship are not real. A relationship is an interaction between two people. The boundaries of such interaction are fairly open, but as long as there is some interaction then there is a relationship, even a romantic one.

To say that online relationships are not real is to deny the many wonderful relationships people have formed online.

Alchemiss, the type of fading of friendship you described happens offline too. I've experienced it a couple of times, and heard of it happening to others many more times. It's the nature of group friendships.

So Nyx, your relationship was real, but it was dysfunctional, and I agree with all the advice to end it.

However, if you're using a virtual social environment as an outlet from offline stresses, you should consider the source of those stresses. Are they caused by other relationships? Tension at work?

The bottom line is that you can't avoid the inherent issues of interpersonal relations just because there's no immediate or physical contact. In fact that makes it harder to recognise and deal with.

Do you think your experience would be impossible offline? Haven't you ever been interested in someone, had a relationship blossom offline, only to find they later become cold and distant, or even hurtful? If you haven't that's great, but other people have, and unless you are aware of the possibility, and why it happens, it will happen to you too.

How would you deal with this situation offline?

[Dharma]

Nyx,
I run a FPS clan and we have players quit from time to time and they usually just need a break from the game (they always come back). You may need to find a new guild or just give yourself some space away from that game for a while.

As far as online relationships go, yes they are real.

[Old Soul]

Continue playing if you chose, allow this relationship to fizzle out......this person will move on to someone else

[Alchemiss]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

To say that online relationships are not real is to deny the many wonderful relationships people have formed online.

Alchemiss, the type of fading of friendship you described happens offline too. I've experienced it a couple of times, and heard of it happening to others many more times. It's the nature of group friendships.

I do believe in-game relationships (in contrast to other online relationships) are not real to a great extent. In my experience, the gaming environment causes significant distortions in people's perspectives and priorities. I know I was not my true self when I was there and I've seen it happen with many others. I think it is quite difficult, if not impossible, to be in a fantasy world and be real at the same time thus my premise of unreality in-game.

Of course, friendships come and go in-game or out. It was striking in this case, though, how dozens of supposedly close people almost instantaneously lost interest. What held our "friendships" together was not who we really were but who we were in the game. If we opted to return, our "friendships" would be restored, I'm sure.

[Epiphany]

Are you playing world of warcraft?
I also play and have a guild for ALTS. A guy in my guild has the same problem as you

You may have feelings for him but I bet if you go out with a rl man you might just forget about him.
I think that we get confused especially if the other person is a good player or ''legend'' on his server.
Just try to forget about him and have fun in the game and don't worry about the guild and stuff. Just have fun...it's a game and hey if he doesn't want to talk to you who cares?
There are other fish in the sea dear

[Nyx]

Yes Epi, it is World of Warcraft.

I do not think that it has to do with anything about lack of man in my real life, to be honest. I've no problems with getting dates, I'm just not interested in them so far hehe. I was attracted to this guy cos we shared similar interests both in game and in real life.

What bothers me is that after what we have shared and talked about etc in game for the past 4 months was cast away so easily. In a matter of a week span, we went from talking and playing together every night to barely teaming up together anymore. And seeing him with this other chick breaks my heart a little more. Oh wellz. And I do not talk online on Vent cos of a PC issue, but this chick talks online. On Warcraft, if a chick talks online, thats considered hot to some. I'm not sure if that was a pull factor though.

Anyways, u're right, the game is supposed to be fun. I'm giving it a few more weeks, if its untolerable I'll either leave the guild or take a break from the game, cos right now I'm just logging on to make up the numbers and help the guild.

[Epiphany]

I know the way I wrote my last post kind of seemed that I meant you can't find a rl date - no I didn't mean that

You are right - you should take a wow break - btw - which boss are you raiding? My boyfriend plays wow non stop so I hear about the raids all the time - I quit raiding.

I understand you feel bad and sad about what happened - but why don't you just ask him what's up? You shoud tell him how you feel to get it out of your system.
But to be honest it seems like he doesn't really care about what you had after all -or there is something else going on in his life.
It's really easy to ''forget'' about a person you play and have fun with in a game.
I bet he's just gonna do the same to the new girl he is playing with also.

Just try to forget about it - I bet after a while you will feel better about it again And if you ever think it still sucks you can come to my server!!


Take care and pawn all the men around you!