I need real help/ advise

[shorbm]

I think my fiance is cheating. She has been texting (all of a sudden) some guy at work, calling him on his cell phone and spending hours on the phone at a time. Texting 40+ messages over a 14 day period.

She has never texted before, ever. She has also just started wearing revealing clothing to work over the last couple of weeks, getting her nails done, wearing low cut shirts, spending lots more time in the moring putting on make up. Mind you she is in the contracting field and hasn't ever focused on her female features over the last two years (up untill now).

Additionally, the last two thrusday evenings, she has come home drunk and very late (after 1:30am). She has also never done this before.

I confronted her and she said nothing is happening and was very upset I would suggest otherwise. I asked to see the content of the text's and she told me she deleted all the incoming and outgoing texts off of her phone. This made me suspicious. Considering all the texts lead up to several long (45 plus minute) phone conversations.

She has made no attempt to assure me she loves me, only that nothing is going on. In fact, she pushed the problem back to me

I would appreciate anyone's perspective as I don't have any family or close friends I feel comforatable enough to talk.

Thanks!

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by shorbm

I would appreciate anyone's perspective as I don't have any family or close friends I feel comforatable enough to talk.

Thanks!

My best advice to you would be to keep on sharing your thoughts in this thread and as you do so you will obtain clarity and get the answers to your own questions...

I wish you the very best and congratulate you on your courage for seeking help in this matter...

.

[silicon toad2000]

I have seen a few friends relationships go through this stage.

I believe no matter how much you love someone, there will be a time in your life when you meet someone else who you feel that you click with more so than your partner. How that is dealt with inside the relationship is a difficult test.

No advice can help you, only you know yourself and your fiance intimately enough to have any insight.

I have met many women who I seem to click with better than my wife and I know my wife meets people who can relate to her better than I do.

Now might be a very good time to find a freind or family member you can trust enough to talk to about this issue.

[Jenny]

Originally Posted by silicon toad2000

I believe no matter how much you love someone, there will be a time in your life when you meet someone else who you feel that you click with more so than your partner. How that is dealt with inside the relationship is a difficult test.

I think this point is entirely correct.

When it is happening it can be very hard for both people in the relationship to figure out what is going on and to handle the emotions involved in a useful and not destructive manner. Hard as it will be I advise you to step back just a bit and watch both yourself and her. Start paying attention to things such as whether or not you trust her (it sounds like it) and act accordingly. Good luck.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am really sorry to hear you're going through this. I've been there and it's very tough. In situations like this, I believe the truth always comes out eventually. But that doesn't always make it easier.

My only advice would be to take care of yourself and observe what happens over the next few days/weeks. Try not to let your imagination run wild on you (I know it's really hard). Keep an open mind and a loving heart, but don't allow yourself to be trampled on. What some other posters said is true...there will always be people who give you some feeling or have some quality that your partner doesn't. The challenge is to work through those feelings to decide whether you can commit to one person.

Again I know how hard and painful this is. I've got a knot in my stomach reading your post because it's so familiar. Please try to remember that if your fiance is cheating it's not a reflection of your worth as a person. By all means take responsibility for your contribution to the relationship, but don't let her actions crush you.

I wish you the best. *sends love*

[Jayne]

I had to join the forum just so I could respond to you. I know what you are feeling. I've been there. My husband had an affair last year. We separated earlier this year, and almost got divorced. I can't tell you for sure what is happening in your situation, but I can tell you it sounds just like the behavior my husband had with his girlfriend. Had never sent a text message, and then all of a sudden hundreds, lots of walks with his cell phone, tons of conversations, set up a hotmail account, started chatting on MSN, started dressing differently.
I'd be happy to lend an ear if you want to talk. The one piece of advice I can give you is to take care of yourself. Don't lose yourself so much in the relationship that you lose who you are. If it's going to work you have to be strong in who you are.
If she is having an affair, there is hope. I can say that 100% because my husband and I have worked through all of our issues and are much happier than we ever were before. It took a lot of work and understanding, and I'll tell you the LOA helped too.
I'll be thinking about you. Wishing you the best.

[shorbm]

Thanks to all who provided me support and advise on my troubles related to my potentially cheating fiance'. I truly appreciate the time and effort of the kind folks who comforted me and provided me with some sage perspective.

Anyway, my fiance's behavior is still troubling. I had to go out of town Monday and Tuesday and she didn't call me (return any of my calls). This is very unusual. She always returns my calls, and always initiates calls when I am traveling. I finally got her at work Tuesday afternoon to tell her I was probably coming home around 8:00pm. She was fine with that and said she would find something to do after work.

Due to some meetings going quicker than expected, I was able to get home around 4:00pm and waited for her to return home at 11:00pm. She was dressed to the nines! Very low cut shirt, high/ tight mini-skirt, high heels and appeared to be perspiring somewhat.

I asked her where she was and her reply was "Out with the guys from work". I probed her more and she got real defensive, said she wasn't up for debating the topic and went to the bathroom to shower.

Now, I am not stupid, I am sure she is up to some type of relationship with some other person (guy or not). So it looks like the situation is quite dire.

If anyone has any more perspective on this, I am all ears otherwise, I think I have to kill this relationship before it kills me.

Thanks again to all of you that responded to my call for help!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am so sorry about that, shorbm. I hate to say it, but it doesn't look good. If you feel like you need to get out (even for a while -- take a break, separation) to figure out how you want to proceed, I wouldn't blame you. I am sorry I don't have a more encouraging answer. But I know there are some wise people here who will give you some good things to consider.

*sends extra love* Take care of yourself!

[JohnBennet]

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament but all I can say is that when it comes to women, don't look at what they say, look at what they do.

[Andrew Russell]

Moved from General to Relationships.

Best of luck, shorbm.

[lupinski272]

I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear what you are going through. I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for the better part of 2 years and I never picked up on the signs. You are ahead of the game in that aspect. I know how it feels to have a constant knot in your stomach and I wish that you didn't have to go through this.

Unfortunately, if she is not willing to be open and honest with you I worry that you have a tumultuous road ahead of you. I myself found that out the hard way. I am obviously no expert, as I just filed for separation this week, but I will tell you that whatever the reasons she has for doing what she is doing, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Try and take time to focus on yourself and remember to breathe.

If I can do it you can do it.

[Dharma]

Yeah, feels to me like you should end it. Get your ring back before throwing in the towel.

[Jayne]

Take care of yourself. That's the most important thing. You need to do what you feel best, and what you can live with. I can tell you if it were me, having lived through my husband's affair, I wouldn't waste any time separating. Physically living together when one person has checked out of the relationship is damaging to the person left behind and does not help the person who has checked out to see what is happening.
When this happens it's like they are in a trance, under a spell. They really can't see anything wrong with what they are doing until they are forced to take a step back. I think the best thing you could do is separate as quickly as possible. Maybe she will wake up and maybe she won't. Either way you need to move on with your life, and living like this is not fair to you.

[medaille]

First things first.

Your woman's cheating on you. Now relax.

As a member of the human breeding stock, you are in a constant battle with other males for her "attention." This doesn't stop with marriage. No verbal agreement or ring will prevent this competition. This is much more primal than that.

You have lost the battle to another male. Have you gotten complacent lately? A little too comfortable so that you haven't been as attractive to her?

From her perspective, why has she lost her attraction in you and placed it on another guy?

I'll finish this later, but good luck

[somaziro]

Originally Posted by Jayne

Take care of yourself. That's the most important thing. You need to do what you feel best, and what you can live with. I can tell you if it were me, having lived through my husband's affair, I wouldn't waste any time separating. Physically living together when one person has checked out of the relationship is damaging to the person left behind and does not help the person who has checked out to see what is happening.
When this happens it's like they are in a trance, under a spell. They really can't see anything wrong with what they are doing until they are forced to take a step back. I think the best thing you could do is separate as quickly as possible. Maybe she will wake up and maybe she won't. Either way you need to move on with your life, and living like this is not fair to you.

i completely agree. physically separate and then see what happens. maybe you will work it out, maybe you will not. but i think that being there together with the status quo as it is will probably not lend itself to things being at a point where she has to respond to what is going on.

i am sorry to hear the trouble you are going through, it sounds really rough. you are in my thoughts.

[A Recycled Light]

First and foremost, I am sorry to hear about your experiences. This is not the type of behavior we expect from the people we love, and when we see it happening, we can't and don't want to believe it. Unfortunately, everything you have described regarding your fiancée's behavior indicates, at the very least, that she is hiding things from you and lying. Let's say she isn't cheating. Is her shady behavior something you feel is worth dealing with? If she is acting this way now, how will she act when you guys are married?

She has made no attempt to assure me she loves me, only that nothing is going on. In fact, she pushed the problem back to me

Projecting the problem on to you indicates that she is in denial and can't own up to her wrongdoings. Clearly, something is going on. You tried to approach her about it and she wasn't interested in resolving the issue. This is a big concern to me.

I have read other people's comments on how it is common to meet other people with whom you relate to better than your significant other. I agree that this is probably true and that most people experience this at least once throughout any relationship. The issue, however, is that when you find this other person with whom you feel or assume you get along better with, how do you respond? Usually you don't know this new person as well as the person you are in a relationship with. It is typically a mixture of lust and immaturity. Sometimes it can indicate that the person isn't getting what they want in their relationship, so they romanticize getting it from this new and exciting person. The truth is that when we get to know people, we realize there are pros and cons to maintaining that relationship. Even the new person we feel we can relate to better has some dirty laundry, and the romanticized effect wears off quickly. No matter the reason, it boils down to a simple question: do you believe the grass is greener on the other side? Clearly, your fiancée did, but not enough to leave you. It sounds like she's trying to have her cake and eat it too.

I sincerely hope you resolve this issue in a way that you can reserve your dignity and self-respect, even though it may hurt for a while. I believe you deserve someone who holds the same level of commitment for you as you do for them. Good luck.

[DanFromSeoul]

Hey Shorbm,

I recommend asking yourself if you value her enough to be willing to deal with her sleeping with other guys (even if she comes home to you.)

In some relationships, people don't matter who you sleep with as long as you come back and are committed to the husband/wife/fiance or what-have-you.

Western society values monogamy but it might not be something you value personally. If it is, then you want to ask yourself if this woman is worth it for you.

I also recommend taking this relationship quiz and ask yourself important questions.

Being single isn't bad.

Being with someone who we can't trust is bad.

Just my 0.02

Good luck!

Dan

[votoshka]

Guys OLD THREAD!!! Don't respond anymore, the OP has most likely long gone

[NDN Scholar]

What the hell, this was three years ago.