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06-20-2007, 10:06 PM
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 Disclosure and Ambition - Antithetical to a Social Life? They say that one of the critical factors in making friends is the act of mutual disclosure, whereby people gradually share more and more about themselves to each other, and the search for common ground upon which new relationships may flourish. Hold that thought, and picture the following person: Age 25, West Coat metropolitan city, bi-lingual, graduate degree from a "prestigious" university, debt-free, reliable job with a salary of $150,000+ annually, fashion model on the side, athletic, musically talented (three instruments), artistically talented. What is your instinctual impression of this person? Do you like him/her? Is it within the realm of possibility that you could become good friends with this person? Would it make any difference if you had known less about them? Hold that thought, as I add more. This person is also known as what some refer to as "progressive" - the idea that they continually enjoy unprecedented success, whether occupationally, or in their personal goals, achievements, or hobbies. Ambition is the precursor to being "progressive." Now, does this change your impression of the person? Is your impression more favorable, less favorable, or the same? I'm not going to claim that the description of said person describes me to a tee, but I will say that, objectively speaking, most people, upon full disclosure, would place me in the same category as said person. It's also an accurate self-image. And, the idea of being "progressive", to me, is basically my life story - fulfilling my potential as a human being. This, and the fact that for most of life, I've felt that I have untapped potential and talents that I never knew I had. I'm not here to solicit praise or pity. I'm here, because for my entire post-adolescent life, I have made friends and lost friends, as I have accomplished more and more. As I have become a more confident and fulfilled individual, it has become more and more difficult to connect with people my age. Just about all of my high school friendships have evolved to mere charades, the result of what I sense time and time again, jealousy from my former close friends. What do I seek in a friend? I'm not even sure anymore. I am drawn to unique people; people with character; and most importantly, people that inspire me, who have facets to their personalities that set an example of how I would like a part of myself to be. Yet, so feel people that I have met fit this description. And I can honestly say that I have never met a person whom I wish I could trade places with. It has gotten to the point where, upon meeting new people, I feel obligated to conceal parts of myself, revealing only enough such that I am perceived as imprudent. Indications of wealth or status, I've found, are especially damaging; merely noting in passing where I live, a favorite restaurant, a past experience - anything that is a clear indicator of wealth - when their is a clear disparity is off-putting. The seemingly simple solution would be to associate with people with wealth. However, to me, wealth in and of itself does not attract me. While many people associate wealth with status, I equate wealth with the opportunities that it provides to make myself a better person. What I value most in people is a consistent and strong sense integrity, ethics, value system, and compassion. Unfortunately, people rarely befriend each other along these lines, let alone meet in a common forum, since it seems that most social circles today are defined by wealth and status. I could go on an on, but I just wanted to solicit some serious responses on the matter. I invite criticism as well, as long as it is respectful. I won't be surprised to see my post flamed, but for the record, I certainly don't intend to hold myself out as some type of exemplar of a human being; based on some other threads I've read on here, there are certainly many posters on this board who are more talented and gifted than myself. I'm just another poster hoping to de-construct the problem of having an unsatisfactory social life.      |
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06-20-2007, 10:14 PM
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| I would find this person very interesting, but for some reason I would be very cautious. I would tread lightly and take my time in getting to know them. The word shallow comes to mind but I admit it's unfounded and unfair.
__________________ www.essentiallifeskills.net |
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06-20-2007, 10:32 PM
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| Casper... sorry that I will not be able to contribute much in the way of solving your dilemma since I have no friend (except for my wife) and I don't want any... I am very comfortable with my own company so why bother...??? However I would certainly like to extend a warm welcome to this forum... you certainly are a very interesting person and you will be a welcome addition here... Hope to hear more from you in the future... . |
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06-20-2007, 10:57 PM
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Welcome to the forum, Casper. As for your concern about making connections with people -- you don't have to tell them all these things right away, you know. If I were to meet you and ask you who you are, this "resume" stuff isn't what I'd be looking for; in fact, it would sound to me like you were trying to compensate for something, and I'd be a little put off. I would want to hear about what's important to you in your life or what you're up to in the world as far as making a difference. Leaving that other info till later isn't 'concealing', it's just 'allowing appropriate flow' -- letting the details about the outer trappings show up in their own time. You don't sound like the kind of person that just lists your attributes when you meet someone (oops! except you just did!  ) Probably you're just sensitive to how people react when you say or do something that seems to you like a statement of wealth or status. In that case, unless you're asking a person to participate in an activity that they can't afford comfortably, or unless you really are trying to point out something about your own wealth or status, then it's really the other person's responsibility to take you as you come and work out for themselves any problems letting you be who you are. You can allow yourself, and the other person, the freedom to be exactly as is, just by being present, by listening, and by taking the responsibility for who you are being. There are an awful lot of really successful people around here, and I think you'll be interested to get to know what success means for each of them. Meanwhile, welcome, and best wishes in your desire to fulfill your potential as a human being! Love, Angela |
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06-20-2007, 11:27 PM
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Are you a giver? Join Habitat for Humanity and help build some houses. Driving nails and hauling shingles make good grounds for lasting friendships. Are you more into the life of glitter? Chair a charity committee or host a charity event at your club or at your home. You get to dress to the nines and get your picture in the society column and still do a good deed. Whatever you decide to do to hook up with folks with similar values, don't lose sight of the big picture. Do something worthwhile with your time and your talent  |
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06-21-2007, 01:01 AM
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Hope that I'm not getting too personal here... . |
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06-21-2007, 01:09 AM
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| ^ I believe its her hubby (or boyfriend) who posts, (rarely methinx) under that nickname. That sounds like an interesting case of a different kind of prejudice than people generally think of. My advice? Stop doubting yourself, accept yourself as you are. And keep trying ot make new friends, at some point you'll start to find people who are more like you if you meet enough people. Connect with other professionals in your field. I can totally agree with you about being a person of character. You might consider going to a forum meet in your area (check the Local Groups forum) and see if there's anyone interesting in your area.
__________________ Mind-Manual "Pure hell forces action, but anything less can be endured with enough clever rationalization." - Tim Ferriss |
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06-21-2007, 03:58 AM
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| Shamou, Wow, I was pleasantly surprised in hearing you say that you have no friends except for your wife and don't want any. I think it gives hope to people who have struggling at making and maintaining friendships, and for people who have always been alone in their lives. I don't want to take over the thread, but what brought you to the point of where you are content with only your wife's company? What do you think about the people who say that friendships are essential to every person's life? Casper, I personally feel the expectation for a man's level of maturity has been pushed back to the later years, whereas it's the opposite of women. After reading your self-description, I would say that you would definitely be intimidating for men in your age group as well as men who are older than you. Few people in general seem to have the interest in "progression" as you claim that you have. Quote:
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06-21-2007, 04:57 AM
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Also, my number one hero/mentor and person that I most admire is the Honorable Pierre Elliot Trudeau (former PM of Canada) was a solitary man… quite content to live a sedentary life involved mainly in intellectual pursuits… I observed people in my entourage to see what motivated them to seek a life surrounded with many friends… and what I observed was the fact that most of these people did it just because it was the accepted thing to do… and not truly getting satisfaction out of it… So, that was enough for me… I decided to go for what works best for me and what makes me happiest… that is, having some people that I enjoy spending time with but only on a casual way… I will never forget the line in the film Wall Street where Gordon Gekko tells Bud Foxx, “If you want a friend… get a dog.” Works just fine for me… . |
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06-21-2007, 05:17 AM
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| Thanks for all the responses so far. There is another layer to all this apart from any notion of "disclosure" or "ambition", and that is the idea that my interests tend to vary so widely, that I tend not to fit into a particular mold. For example, someone working in the financial industry will tend to be very business-minded, keen on the market and current events, follow politics, as well as the corporate-minded sports such as golf and baseball. On the other hand, the typical artist (or artsy person) tends to steer away from sports, fiscally-driven industries, and perhaps politics. Instead, such individuals are more prone to enjoy independent films, indy music, progressive art, aesthetics, and other things far from the "mainstream" media. It seems that everyone fits into some type of mold, pre-determined by their educational background or profession. Yet, I feel that I spread myself too thin in my interests and therefore do not fit into any type of "mold", thereby only relating to other people on a superficial level, because our interests only tangentially overlap. Thus, another possible explanation for my unsatisfactory social life. Perhaps one solution is to confine myself to fewer and more interrelated interests, so I can fit in? Another factor is that I've lived a somewhat sheltered life. Perhaps it's all just now catching up to me, and I'm simply developing my identity at a very rapid pace as painful as it may be. Friendships (or "friendships") that I made only months ago seem as though they were forged long long ago, and that I'm a completely different person ever since. A sign of rapid growth, perhaps? I have always felt like an outcast, only relating to people on a superficial level. I thought a bit more about what my ideal group of friends would be like, and realized that it would be comprised of people such as myself: people with widely varying interests, yet a fascination with others unlike oneself, united by a common, deeper, set of values and ethics. Yet, in today's society where people's social circles tend to be heavily defined by their educational background or profession (with the notion of wealth and status nearly always underpinning social circles), such a group of friends seems too idealistic to actually exist. I would like to believe that as long as I pursue my passions, I will eventually meet people that I relate to on a deeper level. Yet, one could also argue that the more I entrench myself in my "uniqueness" in interests, the farther down the rabbit hole I'll go, further alienating myself from others. |
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06-21-2007, 11:33 AM
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__________________ www.essentiallifeskills.net |
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06-21-2007, 12:50 PM
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| Haha, Casper, you should meet me. I'm much the same way as you. I'm into many different things, too. Do not compromise your own desires and spirit for the sake of a few friends because they will not be very good friends if they don't see you or accept you as you are. By the way, your belief that others fit into some sort of a mold sounds like a bit of a cognitive bias or an error in thinking. Our brains are designed to put things into categories, or categorize things according to patterns. There's also confirmation bias, which is that we pay most attention to things that confirm our beliefs nad attitudes, leading to even stronger beliefs. People don't tend to fit into molds totally or completely, as long as you look hard enough. Now here's the thing, there's a part you're missing. There's something else about you that you don't know because you're too close to yourself. And because we only know your situation, we'll most probably end up sympathizing with you, but that won't solve your particular problem, either. You need to find out this other thing, which has to do with how you come off with other people. If you can find someone who's honest enough to tell you their real impression of you, you might get lucky. Especially whether you might be unintentionally coming off as boastful.
__________________ Mind-Manual "Pure hell forces action, but anything less can be endured with enough clever rationalization." - Tim Ferriss |
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06-21-2007, 01:54 PM
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__________________ Don't think...Act |
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06-21-2007, 02:14 PM
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Your uniqueness -- the traits, interests and experiences you have -- is just what will endear you to the right kind of friends. Perhaps you just haven't met the right people yet. I don't now if any of this helps. It is always wise to improve yourself in whatever ways you see necessary and work to diminish whatever faults you might have -- self awareness and the ability to make positive changes will always be important. But narrowing your interests in order to make friends would seem to be counterproductive. You may end up with a group of friends, but you would be missing out on things you enjoy.
__________________ We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. - John W. Gardner |
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06-21-2007, 02:31 PM
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What I have observed is that some people (and I mean some) are lucky enough to have one or two really good friend… and that is obviously something to be treasured and cherished… However, something else that I have observed is that many people try to collect “friends” or an “entourage” would be a better word in order to validate themselves… or getting that feeling of being “OK” or accepted… for these people… it’s a bit of a social status… and I found that in these later cases, the efforts were not worth the satisfaction… There are also people who will seek “friends” as a form of security should the time arise when they need help… that is silly… most of the time it will be perfect strangers who will fly to your rescue while the "friends" are suddenly very busy and cannot spare the time or effort… I feel that some people seek so called friends to make certain that someone will attend their funerals when the times comes… not a very valid reason as far as I’m concerned… Those are my own personal views… I don’t preach or advocate them… I simply share them with anyone who asks… Any specific questions…??? Feel free to ask… . |
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06-21-2007, 03:32 PM
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06-21-2007, 04:09 PM
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I must say that you are one interesting lady... you should write columns in newspapers or magazines... I am certain it would be most entertaining... Keep up the good work...  . |
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06-21-2007, 04:37 PM
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