Moving away and leaving girlfriend behind

[Cassio]

Hi,

I have a girlfriend for 8 years now and we were planning on getting married next year. Our relationship is really good, we love each other and it just feels natural to get married with her.

We live in Brazil, and last week I got a nice job offer from a company in Europe, which I accepted immediately. For the last few years I´ve been wanting to move to Canada or Europe. Last month I started sending resumes and finally this opportunity came up. The funny thing is that she has always supported me, saying that I should go after my dreams. Now that it became a reality I feel she's lost her ground.

You might say that the sollution is easy: "Just take her with you!".

But there are two problems here:
1 - She is very attached to her mother. And her mother is even more attached to her. Her mother has depression problems and her daugher is her only friend.
2 - She doesn´t speak english nor german, so she will have problems finding a job there initially. And she has a job here, it's not a great job, but it is a job.

So, one possible plan is: I'll move to Europe now, and see if I like it there, then at the end of the year I'll come back for holidays and we'll decide what´s better for us. She's agreed with that, but she is still sad that I am leaving. And my greatest fear is to make her suffer. I don't think I can stand it.

Have you ever been in a situation like that? Any advices?

Thanks,
Cassio

[Nico Kempe]

I have a girlfriend in the UK, but that's pretty much next door for me.
In your case the distance is a bit greater.
Nonetheless plane tickets are reasonably cheap these days.

To me tho, true love is not bound to space and time, meaning you can live apart and still love each other.
Eventually however, you will want to make a choice:

• both live in Europe
• both live in Brazil
• live apart and visit each other as much as possible

The language for her is an obstacle but that can be overcome.
Her mother, well, maybe she can come over too?

How important is this job to you?

[Nico Kempe]

By the way, you might have a nice job, but I think love and family is more important than a job.
Work, to me, should come second place.

But still, I do not know how important this job is to you.

[Gordon]

Hello Cassio,

You pretty much have figured out that the bond between a mother and a daughter is very very strong.

The language issue is neither here not there really, its something I am sure she would pick up fairly quickly.

Going back to the mother. You girlfriend is tied to her mother and would be wracked with guilt if anything were to happen to her if she came with you. That's is understandable, but it is a missed opportunity for your girlfriend too, coming to Europe...I'm sure she realises that too.

How close is your relationship with her mother? Could she come over once every 3 months....if it was ecomonic to do so? Is she even fit enough to travel?

I think (just my thoughts), you need to spend some time with your girlfriend helping her sort out her mother (somehow) with some professional help and support. It will be good for her mother not to rely on your girlfriend as much and your girlfriend also needs to realise she has a right to a life more than just being an emotional support to her mother....(I am not saying ignore the mother, but look at getting her more support).

Do some research on support groups in your area for people with depression problems and see where that leads first of all.

Hope it helps somehow

Gordon

[Cassio]

Thank you for the reply.

I think this job is very important to me. Maybe things will go wrong, but I just want to try it out and see what happens.
And it's not only about the job itself, it's also about moving to a better country, growing personally and professionally. Despite my life's quality here is pretty good, I don't want to live my life doing the same things, knowing the same people and going to the same places over and over again. And this is the chance to try something different.

I have a good relationship with her mother and I would be completely fine if she could visit us every 3 months, but I don't know if it would be possible.

And I know that if it was not for her mother, she would go with me anytime.

If things workout for me there, I will try to make her see the benefits of moving in with me, but I don't want to push it. It will be her decision. I don't want to stand between a mother and her daughter.

Regarding her mothers dependency on her, I talked to her about it yesterday, but she didn't take it well. She blames her father for not letting her mother have a social life independent of him. And I agreed with her. Her father is very possessive and he thinks that in order to keep the family united he's got to keep everyone else away. So it's hard for me to try to change it.

I guess that the time I'll spent alone in Europe will be important to see how much I miss her and how much she misses me. Only then we will have the required data available to make a decision.

[Gordon]

Originally Posted by Cassio

I guess that the time I'll spent alone in Europe will be important to see how much I miss her and how much she misses me. Only then we will have the required data available to make a decision.

Well we already know you will miss her more than anything, your question on the forum points to that.

Tough one.....

G

[Cassio]

Well we already know you will miss her more than anything, your question on the forum points to that.

Well, I guess so. But its been 8 years seeing her at least every weekend. I don't know what it's like not being with her. What I was trying to say is that I'll have to feel it to know exactly what it is like.

[Gordon]

So the father and mother are still together?

G

[Cassio]

So the father and mother are still together?

Yes they are.

[Gordon]

Originally Posted by Cassio

Yes they are.

If that is the case, you must not fee quilty about coming to Europe. The family has issues it needs to resolve, they are not your issues. Tell your g/f that you love here more than life itself, but you are not being held back by them. You want her to come with you, and she has to be strong and let her mother and father sort things out.

She is your concern, they are not

G

[Cassio]

You're right.
I'll try to say that without looking selfish and insensitive.

I'll keep you informed as it goes.