Family issue

[jwz]

I have just (1 year ago) finished a 4 year long education to become an electrician. I am currently attempting to save up some money to take my education to the next step and will be studying for 3 years or so. I plan to start next year or maybe the year after that.

Then main issue there will be money. My education as an electrician was generously payed for by the greenlandic government (it's a thing they do to raise the educational level of the greenlandic youth).

When I go study again, I will most likely be paying most of the costs myself, INCLUDING food and personal stuff. I MIGHT get a part-time job, but I intend to use as much time as possible to study.

The problem: My family and I have agreed on that I can stay with them during my 1-2 years saving-up-period. That way I save a lot of money for food and shelter (but I still give my mom $50-100 per week to help out).
That's a darn fine agreement in my opinion.

BUT my family (mainly mom and dad) are giving me 'problems' often.
Sometimes, it's just my dad who tries to overcome my opinions by saying a wise row of words that litterally means "shut up, I'm right cuz I'm your father".
No matter what my cause is or how good my arguments are.

Sometimes it's my mother. She tends to stress a lot. I have tried to discuss the matter with her several times, but she gets very defensive every time.
I can't reach her and make her see her situation as I see it. Her stress problems are obviously a part of the way she behaves/thinks. IMO a LOT of her stress could be prevented with thoughts like "I don't need to stress about this, because it's just a job and whether I stress or not, I'm getting the same paycheck and either way won't cause me to get fired. Without stress my results would actually become better".

Those 'problems' I can live with. But since I began my journey of PD, many of the things I encounter daily have transformed into problems also.

This night for instance, I felt like going to bed just before 11PM, but I couldn't sleep until way past 12PM because of my parents speaking really loud in the room next door. I asked them politely to keep it down or to move their discussion into another room, but they gently refused saying that they don't have to be quiet in their own house.

And PRIVACY. Privacy.
That is something I do NOT get any of. I always wanted to be able to do things whenever I want to do them, meditate, relaxing without much interruption etc etc.
While living with them, there's litterally no privacy for me.

There's plenty other problems too that I don't feel is important to whine about now (mainly the fact that it doesn't seem that my parents really know how they act upon their children) so I hope that you see the big picture.

My family and I usually have a great relationship, but at least once every day I encounter something that bugs me or make me feel bad.

Do you think that I should search for an apartment to live in until I start studying again? If I did, it could easily cost me $600 per month (and I have to pay $1200 initially in case that I break something. But I will get that back when I move out)

I would also really miss the GOOD times me and my family have. Especially with my brother. My brother and I have a great bond, even thought we don't always agree. If I move out, we will be seing much less of each other.

Please help. I'm sorry that the post got that long.
I figured that if I saw the big picture (and advice maybe) from another persons point of view, it might give me the insight I don't currently have.

Thanks
Jan

[Lychee]

If you live under your parent's house, you are agreeing to live under their terms and way of life. If they like speaking loudly at 11 pm, despite your protests, then you must accept it. It would be the same way if you lived in an apartment. If you dislike the rules your landlord places on your agreement, you have the right to leave. Even if you think it is polite of them to be nice to their child and quiet down, they don't have to. The same goes for privacy and all the other issues you have with them.

You may be seeing less of your family by moving out, but you have to decide if your freedom, privacy, and way of life worth more or less than the money and work you'll have to put into getting your own place. Moving out might even be a good idea to strengthen the relationship between your family members; they might develop an appreciation for you because of your absence. Is it possible for you to share an apartment with a friend or someone else to lower the rent costs? You can always find a way to live outside if you want to.

[jwz]

Thanks for your reply, Lychee.
I agree that my parents are in their full rights to do as they please since it's their house (yet still not funny when I'm doing as much as I can to sweeten our relationship, giving THEM respect and privacy among others).

If I went with the idea of getting my own place for now, I could be waiting for half a year before getting it, and could therefore risk living in it only for another half year.
Governmental apartments take YEARS to get, and private apartments are not easy to find either (but I will start searching better).

-Jan

[Michelle]

Seriously consider moving out. Your parents sound very wrapped up in their own problems with no will to compromise or understand your situation. That said, you sound the same. You say they refuse to understand your side of things. Do you try to understand theirs?

In any case, it is hard to become adult in the house where you were once a child. I would move out and still try to save as much as possible for continuing your education. Work a part time job while you study. It will be hard but freedom is worth the effort.

Good luck to you!

[silicon toad2000]

I could be very wrong here but i'll put in my 1.3 cents anyway.
Sounds like your dad may feel a little threatened that he's no longer the smartest man of the house. He may well be coming to terms with your rise to knowledge. I think he still feels that he needs to ensure that you know he is in charge of the house.
I used to be an auditor and dealing with people who want you to know that they are in charge can be a challenge. It's all about perception. I got around it by offering them choices that gave the illusion that everything was up to them but ultimately led to getting the things done that I needed to do.
The parental instinct is very strong, if he thinks he is helping you then he will, but I think overpowering that is his insecurity about being the man of the house. If you can get rid of that insecurity he should be a lot easier to handle.
If it were me I would ask for his help on an issue you know is well within his abilities. After a while the insecurity should die down an he will probably be keen to help you more.
Be careful, if he suspects he is being handled you can undo all your hard work and make things worse.
Like I said I might be very wrong but from what you have written this is what came across to me.

[jwz]

Michelle and silicon toad2000, thank you very much for your replies.
I think that you're both right in many ways.
Many times, I understand what feeling they may have which makes them behave in different ways, and WHEN I see those hints, I usually try to act upon that. When it goes well, things usually get a lot less tense between us.

And yes, he might still be a bit stuck on his father-responsibility (and he is an entreprenour with 4 ppl under him, so he is used to have the last word).

Maybe, being alone for a while would sort out my mind.

Oh. I forgot to mention that I don't intend to blame them in any way, but it might sound like it because the most of >my< family issues are with my parents.

-Jan

p.s I feel ALOT better already just by letting it out and getting advice

[openeyes]

It seems that while you’re trying to assert your adulthood your dad isn’t yet able to fully accept your independence. I can imagine it being difficult to do so, as so long as you’re under the roof of your parents, you’re to a degree their dependent, their child. Moving out would change that dynamic more quickly, but if you can deal with staying a child a while longer, accepting that “Father knows best”, then staying could be fine.

After my brother graduated with a master’s degree in computer science he came home for a year to finish up a computer program and apply for jobs. He’d done very well during the years he was off at college, but as soon as he came home the interactions became very stressful. Now he’s moved across the country with a good job, and relations have again improved. He simply couldn’t accept being anyone’s child anymore, and was hell to live with as a result.

Have you thought about what it may be like for your parents to still have you at home, particularly as you challenge their authority? It's likely there are some things you could do to make your stay with your parents more peaceful and enjoyable for everyone involved. Though when I go home it's just for a short while, I wash my own dishes, buy most of my own food, and cook for my mom at least as much as she does for me. I make myself useful and pleasant to be around. I don't argue. I listen.

[jwz]

Thanks for your post, openeyes.
It really made my thoughts move around.
I'm not sure what to reply, as I got a little shocked, touched and confused by it. (not bad, but eye-opening)
I will give this some thought, and post back.
(oh and yes, I help my parents out as much as I can. Dishes, painting the house, cooking, helping out my dad with his company etc etc)

[Brutha]

A few questions to get a bit of perspective:

How old are you?
What do you want to study?

but at least once every day I encounter something that bugs me or make me feel bad.

A tip:
Don't do that anymore.

This night for instance, I felt like going to bed just before 11PM, but I couldn't sleep until way past 12PM because of my parents speaking really loud in the room next door. I asked them politely to keep it down or to move their discussion into another room, but they gently refused saying that they don't have to be quiet in their own house.

Do you have considered to wear earplugs?

She tends to stress a lot. I have tried to discuss the matter with her several times, but she gets very defensive every time.

People get defensive when you attack their thought pattern.

And PRIVACY. Privacy.
That is something I do NOT get any of.

How about getting an early riser and doing your meditations while the rest of your family sleeps?
You could probably also get an agreement that nobody of your parents enters your room after 8 o' clock. Get out those earplugs and meditate.

While living with them, there's litterally no privacy for me.

As long as you don't make yourself any privacy that would be the case.

Personal Development isn't about letting yourself be interrupted. Personal Development is about flexibilty.
Freedom isn't something which is out there and which you can find outside of yourself. Freedom comes from within. It is a personal decision.