How important is your partner's family to you?

[absvan]

Hello Everybody,

What would you do if you had a great girlfriend but whose family members arent aligned with your thinking?? I mean the family members are nice but I dont have anything common with them at all.....its totally blank. Even at family meetings like on Holdiays, there is nothing much to talk other than say Hi/Hello etc..........I try to initiate some kind of conversation but run out of ideas and there hasnt been much response from the other side too......I mean there is nothing common at all other than the normal movies and food talk.

Has anyone here come across a similar situation....and did this bother you in terms of making committment.

[Shamou]

In-laws are in-laws... there is not usually anything interesting about them... it's one of the price that you have to pay for having a cute little honey...

.

[Ree]

My in-laws are split down the middle. Half of them are folks I can relate to, and half of them are asses. I enjoy a fantastic relationship with those that I can and the rest I ignore. Life is too short to engage in battles with folks that don't matter. Fortunately my husband agrees. That's the key. What is your spouse's attitude? Does she insist you forge relationships with these people, or does she agree they're a little "out there" and prefer to ignore them also? If y'all can come to a consensus, there shouldn't be a problem.

[Matthew Shea]

I disagree with the above advice. In a long term relationship, especially a marriage, in laws can have a big effect on the health of the relationship. I've seen this work both ways. I'm very fortunate to have great in laws. I haven't met any of my wife's extended family that I haven't been able to get along with. I'm sure she feels the same way about my family, although my sister can be a bit dificult, but that's not necessarily directed at my wife, per se. Anyway, it takes a lot of pressure off the relationship knowing that you can get long with her family and that they'll be able to see your side if a dispute comes up (even if they might not agree with you).

On the other side, a friend of my wife and her soon-to-be-ex husband both come from dysfunctional families. The stress it's added to their marriage is incalculable and it shows in how they bicker and argue with each other, even in front of company. I'm 100% sure than in law tension has contributed in a big way to the breakup of this relationship.

So I'd say that in laws should be a big consideration when deciding on the future of a relationship. It shouldn't be the only consideration, but you have to try to anticipate what effect their differing viewpoints are going to have when the inevitable issues come up (kids, school, finances, etc). If you're seeing big discrepancies between the way she was raised and the way you were raised, that should be a red flag.

[Chemgirl]

I agree completely with Matthew. In-laws can significantly influence the future of a relationship, but it doesn't sound like you have that much to deal with. Even if you don't have anything in common with one another, just being civil towards each other is more than many people can do!

I'm about to meet my partner's family for the first time (they live overseas) and I know how well it goes will play an important part in our future. For example, there is a chance they won't like/approve of me and if that is the case, how my man deals with this will teach me a lot about him and our relationship.

Anyway, like Matthew said I think they are an important consideration, yes not the only one, but to me it doesn't sound like they are nasty and therefore aren't adding too much pressure to your relationship.

[Angela]

Although Danger Man and I have been together for over two years, his 95-year old mother keeps forgetting who I am. Sometimes she calls me "that lady"; she often tortures me by asking me over and over again (during one conversation) who I am and how I know Danger Man. She also calls us and asks us to drive her over to her own mother's house (!) or to come get her and take her home (when she already IS home). She's pretty persistent, and these calls are painful and difficult.

We are really blessed to have her in our lives, and I am very grateful to be able to rub her little head and tell her I love her. She's pretty tough, but I know the time we have with her is limited and precious, in spite of the torture.

I hope someday some young person is willing to rub my little old head and tell me she loves me, even though I can't remember who the hell she is.

[Mike Estep]

I love my inlaws dearly and have much respect for them. When I married my late Rhonda, I had a 4 year old son from a previous marriage. My inlaws were very accepting to me and my son (who is now 26). My son considers them his papa and memaw (my Rhonda also considered my son as hers - most people never knew he wasn't her biological son). I got along famously with my inlaws the whole 20 years Rhonda and I were married, and then a year after she died.

When Rhonda died (1 week after our 20th anniversary) I decided not to date for a minimum of 1 year, partially to heal and largely out of respect for my inlaws.

After the year was up, I was introduced to Tina who was also widowed. W'eve been together for almost 1 year now. Tina is a good person. Most people think Tina and I being together is a good thing including my son and my 20 year old daughter (Rhonda's and my child). The main exception is my mother-in-law.

It makes her upset to even see me and think that I could be with someone else. We've hardly spoken in the last year (not my choice). I've stayed away to give her space.

I hope eventually she will come to accept that just because I've moved forward in a positive direction with my life, it doesn't mean I love her or their family any less. I will always consider my inlaws as family. The situation makes me very sad.

Thanks,
Mike Estep

[Gordon]

At least your are not evil....mine are...seriously evil bad nuerotic people.

Anyone else's in-law's unhinged?

G

[dcaldwell]

My mother-in-law has been described both inside and outside the family as psychotic. In the early years she unloaded her emotional baggage on her daughter, used her friends to spy on her, made up stories about our lives to her many boyfriends following her divorce with my wife's father, blamed me for her extortion habit, and more. It finally got to a point where my wife "divorced" her, and we haven't seen the women in nearly five years. Life has become much easier. On my side, my parents are just beginning to recognize the existence of our decade-long relationship and their grandchildren. But it's far from stressful nowadays as we have a great extended network of friends who've become family, and swiftly deal with blood relatives if and when they happen to pop into our lives.

[absvan]

Thanks everybody for your responses.

With my situation and the kind of person I am, I dont let in-laws influence the decisions in my life. The decision will be finalized by me and my partner. If my partner does not agree to this and believes that the decision of in-laws have to be considered, then there wont be any future. I am not trying to be the "tough guy/jerk" here. I will consider their opinions/suggestions but there has to be a thick line that dictates who is making the final call..........at least thats what life has taught me.

For the post, I was thinking more on the lines of building a friendly n/w. Some people are lucky to have in-laws who end up becoming their best friends......and for others they wonder whats the purpose of having in-laws. I guess thats how it is and nothing can be changed about it.

As Wayne Dyer once said "Friends are god's way of apologizing for your relatives" So as of now, family meetings are opportunities for me to practice present moment awareness, patience and keep my ego in check

[JohnPlace]

Originally Posted by absvan

Hello Everybody,

What would you do if you had a great girlfriend but whose family members arent aligned with your thinking?? I mean the family members are nice but I dont have anything common with them at all.....its totally blank. Even at family meetings like on Holdiays, there is nothing much to talk other than say Hi/Hello etc..........I try to initiate some kind of conversation but run out of ideas and there hasnt been much response from the other side too......I mean there is nothing common at all other than the normal movies and food talk.

Has anyone here come across a similar situation....and did this bother you in terms of making committment.

I don't think it's all that important to have a lot in common with your in-laws. Nor do I think it matters a whole lot if you can't make conversation with them.

But I do believe it's extremely important that your relationship with your in-laws be peaceful and respectful. If you ever find yourself in a relationship where your in-laws dislike you, you will know exactly what I mean. It's not a place you want to be, especially if your girl puts a lot of stock in their opinion.

When I was younger, I learned a valuable lesson: If I ever ran into a situation where my girlfriend's family actively disliked me, I got the hell out of Dodge because that's a sign of trouble brewing.

[Gordon]

Originally Posted by JohnPlace

I don't think it's all that important to have a lot in common with your in-laws. Nor do I think it matters a whole lot if you can't make conversation with them.

But I do believe it's extremely important that your relationship with your in-laws be peaceful and respectful. If you ever find yourself in a relationship where your in-laws dislike you, you will know exactly what I mean. It's not a place you want to be, especially if your girl puts a lot of stock in their opinion.

When I was younger, I learned a valuable lesson: If I ever ran into a situation where my girlfriend's family actively disliked me, I got the hell out of Dodge because that's a sign of trouble brewing.

No, be honest here.....you were too much of a coward and left your partner to deal crap from her own family.

You weren't man enough to deal with them....you answer shows that....sorry to be blunt...I have met a lot weak individuals who do exactly the same thing you have said you did.

You clearly didn't learn a lesson, you just ran away....a lesson learned would have shown you supported your other half and not let the in-laws ride rough shod over you or her.

G

[JohnPlace]

Gordon, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't accuse me of being a coward without first engaging me in meaningful dialog. The only thing you know of me (regarding this particular situation) is what I posted, which wasn't much. Attacking my character with accusations that I "just ran away," should have "supported my other half," and am a "weak individual" are not welcome.

Originally Posted by Gordon

No, be honest here.....you were too much of a coward and left your partner to deal crap from her own family.

Many years ago, I was in a relationship for 5 years that was a disaster from start to finish. I was also a big part of the problem, since I had yet to develop any instincts regarding dysfunctional relationships. I should have moved away from this unhealthy relationship in the beginning, but I wasn't smart enough to recognize the hazard to my own mental health or the reality that this relationship offered no hope for anyone involved.

And no, I did not "walk away" from this relationship to let her "deal with her family." She and I "agreed" that our relationship wasn't working anymore and went our separate ways.

After that experience, I developed a keen instinct for recognizing dysfunctional relationships, and I stayed away from them. I never "walked away" from a partner. I simply used my improved "dysfunction radar" to stay out of bad relationships BEFORE they started. There is nothing wrong with this, Gordon. In fact, that's part of the reason we date -- to see if relationships are worth pursuing further.

Clearly my instincts have served me well because I have now been with the same woman for over 10 years (married for over 3), and she is, without a doubt, my soul mate. The only reason I was able to find this shining star in my life is because I stayed away from all the dying supernovas.

I'm not sure what personal baggage you're bringing to the table to judge me so quickly and harshly, but I suggest you deal with it instead of taking it out on me.

Please keep in mind, a soundbite or quick comment on a forum does not illuminate a person's true characteristics, so you would be well served by asking questions before you judge.

[Gordon]

Originally Posted by JohnPlace

I would appreciate it if you wouldn't accuse me of being a coward without first engaging me in meaningful dialog. This "character attack" strategy of yours is not welcome.

You want the truth? The truth is that I was in a relationship with a woman for 5 years that was a disaster from start to finish. I should have left on the first day, but I stuck it out for 5 years, man. That was my mistake.

After that experience, I developed a keen instinct for recognizing dysfunctional relationships, and I stayed away from them.

I'm not sure what personal baggage you're bringing to the table to judge me so harshly, but I suggest you deal with it.

So, it was the woman that had the problems...not the family....you need to be clear about what you type....because you CLEARY said...and I quote....

[/QUOTE]When I was younger, I learned a valuable lesson: If I ever ran into a situation where my girlfriend's family actively disliked me, I got the hell out of Dodge because that's a sign of trouble brewing.[/QUOTE]

There is nothing in you statement that said you were in a relationship with a woman who was dysfunctional.....so I don't understand your comment.

Let me make it simple for you.....I'll ask you a question that only requires a yes or no answer.

And by the way if I have offended your sensibilites, I apologise.

Here is the question.....

Did you leave your girlfriend because her family didn't like you. YES or NO? (That's all you have to answer)

G

[JohnPlace]

Read my previous post again. I re-wrote it for clarity.

To further clarify: that entire relationship was a mess, but one of the things I learned from it is that it's important to find a relationship where the in-laws are not actively hostile.

To answer your question point-black, no -- I did not leave my "5 year" girlfriend because of her family. I LEARNED to evaluate FUTURE relationships based on the likelihood of dysfunction, a primary consideration of which was the general mental-health and attitude of the prospective in-laws.

Clearly, that first post of mine was at a VERY HIGH level of abstraction -- you could have simply asked me to elaborate.

[Brien]

Not everyone intends to get married and have kids. But if you do, remember that your in-laws will become half of your children's family. Your partner's parents will become your children's grandparents, and your partner's siblings (and who they choose to marry) will become your children's aunts and uncles.

I consider these relationships to be important, I would want my children to have loving grandparents they can look up to, respectable uncles and aunts worth emulating and cousins to grow up with. I would want them to feel like they part of a greater whole. I can think of no better way to teach them this than bringing them into a large loving network of family.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Brien

Not everyone intends to get married and have kids. But if you do, remember that your in-laws will become half of your children's family. Your partner's parents will become your children's grandparents, and your partner's siblings (and who they choose to marry) will become your children's aunts and uncles.

I consider these relationships to be important, I would want my children to have loving grandparents they can look up to, respectable uncles and aunts worth emulating and cousins to grow up with. I would want them to feel like they part of a greater whole. I can think of no better way to teach them this than bringing them into a large loving network of family.

Agreed. At this point, rather than lots of dating I have a number of unusually close friends. "Dating" would be more like courtship for me, in that I would be looking for someone long term to potentially build a family with. And thus her background/family would be important to me, as it would serve as a strong indicator of the type of family she knew how to create. I’d seek out someone who loved her parents and felt close to them, particularly her dad. I’d want her to love and respect men.

I’d want her to have grown up in a happy, stable two-parent household, preferably one where going to college was the norm. It’d be important to be able to get along with her parents, as I'd want them to be a good part of our lives, particularly with child raising. I remember visiting a female friend’s parents, hanging out with them for several hours, and by day’s end knowing why she’d turned out so well, as they were such amiable, multifaceted people.

[Erki]

I don't really get along with my parents all too well...we're pretty distant... does it make me doomed...?

[Matthew Shea]

Originally Posted by Erki

I don't really get along with my parents all too well...we're pretty distant... does it make me doomed...?

Doomed? Not to judge, but boy, that's a dramatic word. (I say this with tounge firmly planted in cheek, BTW). It makes me think of someone standing right at the edge of a precipice with jagged rocks at the bottom, thorned bushes growing all up the side of the cliff and Osama and his band of suicide bombers blocking your way away from the edge.

On a serious note, this thread is mostly about in-law relationships and their effect on a marriage, but with regard to parents, I'd say no, you're not doomed at all. At least not for just that reason. I'd say that if the reason for the lack of communication involves your refusal to accept or acknowledge their intent to help with something that's genuinely causing problems in your life, then you might have problems. For example, if you were using illicit drugs and they're concerned and are trying to make you stop and your consistent refusal has alienated you from them, that would be a problem. If it's not that type of situation, it's probably still wise to try to address the reasons for the lack of communication, but if your life has good direction and you're trying to do the best you can with what you've got, I wouldn't worry.

[Ree]

I don't think we really have to accept all our in-laws indiscriminately. Even when it comes to our children having relationships with them as extended family members, I think we can and should pick and choose who we are close to.

For example, as I stated in an earlier post, those of my in-laws I can relate to, I am very close to, and those that are difficult, I don't bother with. There is one sibling of my husband's who is a fundamental religious zealot who, upon meeting me for the very first time ever, asked me what religious denomination I was raised in and when I told him, he proceeded to tell me everything that was wrong with it. (Because it was not HIS, of course.)

We did not choose to have our children exposed to this kind of person and his and his wife's kind of hellfire and brimstone thinking and speaking. We really keep our contact with them to an absolute minimum. They are not kind, they almost never smile and are absolutely no fun to be around.

There is another in-law who is financially one of the most irresponsible and dishonest people I have ever met. After having been financially used, abused and taken by this guy, we wrote him off as well. And since our sons are now grown and have money of their own, we warned them about him.

My philosophy is the more the merrier, and I'm pretty open to all kinds of lifestyles, religions, philosophies, etcetera, but I can draw the line when I have to.

[Flyingwithoutwings]

Originally Posted by openeyes

I’d seek out someone who loved her parents and felt close to them, particularly her dad. I’d want her to love and respect men.

Say all was good but there was no respect for dad, possibly due to his child-like behavior and lack of memory?

How would you go about setting up a family where you'd not likely be oppressed?

[Alchemiss]

Both my parents and my in-laws drive my husband and I bananas yet my husband and I are a good match. It would be a real shame if neither of us could have been with someone because of our respective parents, whom we have minimal control over.

In our case, we deliberately make our visits to each set of parents fairly short and we try to make the experience as positive as we can. It is challenging at times but is manageable. Would I like to have in-laws (and parents, for that matter) whom I really resonate with? Sure, but that isn't how it turned out.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Flyingwithoutwings

Say all was good but there was no respect for dad, possibly due to his child-like behavior and lack of memory?

How would you go about setting up a family where you'd not likely be oppressed?

Is this your dad or hers? My views are just general guidelines, with exceptions made for exceptional people (with you and her being quite exceptional ) As you know my own family is pretty crazy in some ways, but there was a lot of good in it as well. Having a good model to work from helps, but for people who are sufficiently independent minded it's not as critical. I would do my best to spend time around people/families I wanted to emulate, work on myself, check the communication between myself and whoever I end up with to be sure we stay compatible, and simply keep learning/adapting together as life goes on.

[munish]

Read this

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ult-relatives/

[silicon toad2000]

Unhinged...

I love my wife's blood relatives to bits, but her dad remarried after her mum died when my wife was young. Her step family are all a little unhinged.
Her step mum is leaning towards the stereotypical fairly tale step mother. (well not quite that bad but it's there). I can't stand them. The step mum still has a lot of baggage from when her husband left her, she's not quite a man hater, but not far from it. (better stop there, my bloods up)

anyway my wife has finally reaslised the truth in the matter, poor thing, lost her mum, her childhood and now she has to put up with me.

[MinhYoung]

It's a fact of life. Some people click, some don't and in laws are no exception.

[Beloved]

I don't think I've ever felt like I fit in at the inlaws, most of the time I don't even think my husband feels like he fits in either. He has 8 siblings and while he gets on with all of them, there's only 3 of them he really feels comfortable with. We don't often visit his parents, I'm sure they blame me for that but for a while everytime we visited MIL and FIL would start yelling and cussing at each other over some minor infraction. Neither of us want the kids exposed to that, but we've never discussed the matter, I leave it up to him as to when he wants to visit.