Is this selfish or just being in charge finally

[learningtogrow]

How does one change their life from one that has always been reactive to others, to one who is in control of their life without offending anyone or appearing selfish?

For example, I am used to dropping everything I'm doing if someone needs something (especially family). I like to think it's that I'm easy going. However, after reading Law of Attraction, I now sort of think it's because I never took the time to think about what I want which might have been the easy way out.

Recently, I've started to do what I want and it seems like people (family) are offended and I begin to feel selfish. I'd like to strike a balance between the two and was hoping someone might have ideas on how to look out for yourself, but also be compassionate of others needs.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am dealing with this right now as well. I was always the first to volunteer to do whatever other people needed. You need to be picked up from across the country with all your stuff and move back home? I'm there. You need to be bailed out of jail? I'm there. You need someone to house and feed you while you drift along, marginally employed? I'm there. I could keep going like this, but we both know how it goes.

Now that you aren't dropping everything at the first hint of someone else's need, it's natural for them to get a little miffed, but their reaction doesn't mean you are being selfish. I think you will intuitively know what is worth your sacrifice of time and effort and what is not. Don't base your decisions on the opinions of others. I would say in many cases they are the ones being selfish. It's especially hard with family because they are rather good at the guilt trip. You can't blame them for thinking you're being selfish, after all your actions to date have shown them that you are just fine with being their everything. As you make boundaries for yourself, they will gradually become accustomed to the new world order and settle in just fine (well, at least I hope so).

You have to take care of yourself first before you have anything to give to others (like when you are in a plane and you are told to put on your own oxygen mask first in a crisis and then assist others). I am all for being compassionate and giving! It's a great feeling to help others.

What I do now is I ask myself whether the reason I am about to agree to do something is because I genuinely want to help and feel I can make a difference or because I want to avoid others' bad opionions or a guilt trip. If it's the latter, I let it go and realize that it's not my cross to bear.

Again, I may not have given you the answer you really need, but I wish you the best.

[Angela]

Well, you've trained everybody in your life to see you the way they see you, and you're responsible for that, so the good news is that now you can train them to see you in your beautiful, strong new light.

You might want to do that in a way that is inspiring for them, as well as for you. You can let them know (in a neutral moment) what you're up to in your personal growth. Tell them specifically and passionately what you are working on, and allow them to contribute to or just admire you! In other words, make sure they know they're still a valuable part of the celebration that is your life.

Then, when faced with one of those tense moments when they might be expecting you to be your old self, you can boldly tell them, "I wish I could (whatever they expect), but all my free time right now is taken up by (whatever you're up to)! Is there some way I can help that won't take too much time from my project? (that last bit is optional). If anyone is offended at that point, a little reflection on their part will remind them that each person must live her own life, and you will have nothing to be sorry for or feel guilty about.

It will take some practice on your part as well as on theirs, because people tend to hold on to their habitual ways of being. You're already on your way to a breakthrough, though, aren't you!

Lots of love
Angela

p.s., Aspiring's post just reminded me: you might want to take a closer look at what you *get* out of dropping everything when someone else needs something. You mentioned a couple of possibilities -- do you think there might be something deeper? something you are **proving** to yourself and/or others -- or something you're trying to compensate for? Just as a first place to look, both of your possibilities contained the word "easy." How about thinking what that word has meant for you, as far back as your childhood? What are the pros and cons of "easy" in your world? Did your mom or dad use that word?

[Ree]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I am dealing with this right now as well. I was always the first to volunteer to do whatever other people needed. You need to be picked up from across the country with all your stuff and move back home? I'm there. You need to be bailed out of jail? I'm there. You need someone to house and feed you while you drift along, marginally employed? I'm there. I could keep going like this, but we both know how it goes.

This made me laugh out loud. I've definitely been there. And it's hard to put the brakes on.

I had an epiphany several years ago and I made a list of the four most important purposes in my life. My life's goals, if you will. When I'm asked to do something that is going to translate into a considerable investment of my time and energy, I check to see if it is related to any of my four written goals. If not, the answer is no.

It incredibly liberating to have my priorities clearly in order, clearly outlined and available to use as a reference point when I'm not sure of what to do.
Your goals don't have to be strictly business goals. Quality relationships with your family members can be a goal. Serving the greater good can be a goal. Nothing selfish about those.

The important thing is to identify them, prioritize them and use them.

[Lychee]

If you've over-extended yourself for others, then you will feel selfish because providing for yourself in that way was foreign to you in the past. You must say no to people sometimes and stand your ground otherwise people will begin to take advantage of you. It takes time to strike a balance...to learn when one should concede and when to say no. The only way to know how to find that balance is to test out saying "no" a few times and see how you feel and the result.

[ginkgo]

The word selfish is a word for people to try to control you out of guilt. It is good to be selfish unlike homeless people. You are selfish to keep your money and not give it me. Email me and I will tell you where to send all your money and relieve you of your selfishness. Stop eating food you selfish pig. Send that food to starving people.

Just choose what is more imporrtant to you or has a higher priority. I can tell you with being on forums that if you are surfing a forum and someone says that they are considering killing themselves that you will drop everything to help them. Now if a family member calls so you can help them to play bingo, then just determine if you have anything better to do.

On Seinfeld TV show, Seinfeld says to Kramer "would you like to come with me to take flyers off of George's car?" Kramer says "yes" and Seinfeld says that he would have said yes to anything. He has nothing better to do.

If you were stranded on an island would you be selfish? See it has no meaning since there are not others trying to control you. The law does not require you to go to jail for what a friend or family member does, only for what you do. So the law is very selfish which has no meaning. In yoga it teaches you to avoid negative people. Maybe your whole family is negative and you should avoid them. Avoid any that you offend. Actually you should really see this site called Rx for Happiness which tells why it is good for you to help strangers. Jesus said that you should help your enemy and that is great. Helping friends and family is something that even the most vile people do. In fact, in Godfather and Sopranos, cold blooded murderers help their family and friends. They kill their enemies and then go to chuch.