Social and personal problems

[padme]

Hello! I'm padme. I hope it's okay for me to make my first post here rather than in the intro section. I will admit that I've been somewhat of a lurker in these forums for awhile. I decided to shed my lurker status only because of some recent events involving my job and the fact that while I am currently seeing a counselor, it doesn't seem to be doing me any good.

I guess I should start at the beginning and try my best to describe just how I got myself into such a "mess" in the first place.

I don't remember having a happy childhood. There was no sexual, drug, alcohol, or physical abuse in the home (I know many who wish they were so lucky) but feel like my father was slightly abusive verbally. I wouldn't say that my parents were neglectful but there were hardly ever around because they were working their asses off to feed the family, get a nice house in a beautiful neighborhood, and give me the best education, healthcare, and everything else that their money could afford. It all sounds great but that's where it ends.

Ever since kindergarten I was always painfully shy and cried easily. Before that I was a brash, loud-mouthed girl who wouldn't let anyone push her around - or at least that is what I was told. In elementary school I was the gifted but shy crybaby who hardly had any friends and even less confidence. In middle and high school things remained mostly the same but I had more friends and an almost perfect academic record. I didn't date or hang out like everyone else did and I felt like a loser because of it. I consoled myself with playing music (flute and violin), learning Japanese and German, reading books, and studying my ass off by completing my assignments early while the rest of the class wound up five chapters behind. Despite all this, I still called myself a loser. I was sent to therapists and given pills that did nothing but give me headaches. My dad took me off them and I "crashed". My mother then died of breast cancer. I stopped eating. I was made fun of for my looks and for being too thin, as well as for crying. I was so busy trying to look good academically that I didn't take the time to think about what I wanted to do with my life. When senior year pounced on me, I freaked out and picked chemistry pre-medicine as my major. Next thing I knew I was off to Xavier University in NO.

Things got a little better before they got worse. I got dates (finally, men were paying attention to me!) but my grades suffered. Men tried to use me and abuse me - some of them succeeded. I changed my major to just plain chemistry to get out of having to take a biology class. I realized I didn't want to be a doctor. I hated biology. I was surprised to graduate from college on time (4 years) with a pathetic 2.7 GPA. I kissed the opportunity of graduate school goodbye. I worked as a lab technician at XU until Katrina and Rita hit, wallowed in depression from that point on until January where I went back to XU and discovered that my so-called friends were not who I thought they were. They abandoned me, although some might say I drove them away. In May of last year I left NO because I didn't feel safe and sat around the house while my friends called me names and told me to "get a job". I finally got off my ass in September when all of my money ran out and I've been working at a lockbox ever since.

My life right now is eat, sleep, work, go to therapy, play video games, have an occasional bad date or two, meet a person who seems like they could be a good friend until they start verbally abusing me and I have to drive them off, repeat. I have no goals, no life, and a diploma catching dust, reminding me of four years I wasted, taking up a seat for some other poor soul out there who would have put himself to better use.

As you can probably tell by now, I am extremely depressed. What makes it even worse is that I recently decided all of my friends and family were worth less than garbage and cut them all off. I cut my co-workers off as well. They don't like me anymore and called me rude to my face, which is what happened today. I cut off these people because they were abusive to me, picking on me for those same stupid things that I've had trouble with all these years. To them, I can't do anything right. I'm too shy, I'm too short, I'm too thin, I'm too ugly, my lips aren't "normal", I talk like a "white girl", I'm not "black enough", I'm too light-skinned, I frown all the time, I have a bad attitude, I'm a "♥♥♥♥♥", I have bad skin, I have "nappy" hair, I'm 24 years old and have never experienced true love, I've never had a real boyfriend, I dress like a child, I do that, etc., etc. I got sick of it and started pretending people didn't exist. They didn't like that and so they treated me even worse.

It's all about to drive me insane but "they" tell me I am delusional. They tell me they speak the truth only to help me and that it's no wonder people call me bi-polar. It's like a stupid "catch-all" term to describe people who have really bad days.....all the time.

Is it really all just me? Am I the one making my relations with others go bad? Am I just hurting myself and allowing others to do the same? I know it sounds terrible, but I want to call myself the victim here.

As a result of all of this, I have issues with men, women, my father, my distant family, the friends who abandoned me, black people in general, my own identity as an American black woman and the fact that because of my looks, my background, and how I was raised, that I am automatically deemed unnacceptable anywhere. even by my own "people."

I hate the world but most of all I hate myself.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by padme
I know it sounds terrible, but I want to call myself the victim here.

This is a very sad story... and my heart goes out to you... but I have to say that so long as you see yourself as the victim... there will not be much that you can do about your situation... a victim gets to shed all responsibilities for whatever happens to them... but that is all it does...

There is obviously no easy solution for all your problems... but, the very first step should be to own up to your responsibilities and stop seeing yourself as the helpless victim...

The very best of luck to you... and I hope that you find all the answers that you are looking for...

.

[Kamma]

This is totally what you don't want to hear but I agree that you have got to stop seeing yourself as the victim. The more you put yourself down the worse it will all seem. I know better than most that it's not easy to pick yourself up and I would be highly surprised if you managed this straight away. maybe you could start on focusing on one thing at a time a getting it so that you feel a bit better. Don't aim to instantly feel on top of the world because you will fail and it will make you feel worse.

I know that you said that you were having a hard time communicating with people. Why not start by maybe just smiling at a few colleagues. You don't have to become friends but I have found that even a smile can make you feel better inside. Its a start to working on yourself.

Take care

[padme]

Thank you both for your replies. I appreciate them. It's just difficult for me to understand how I could be responsible - even a little bit - to how people in general treat me. I don't feel responsible for my allowing my friends to put me down and call me names. I didn't provoke them. I didn't do anything to them. I didn't ask to be treated badly. It would be insane if I did. And what about complete strangers and other people who barely know me who say nasty things to me behind my back (or to my face)? Surely I can't be held responsible for that.

When I think about trying to focus on one thing at a time, I just get so overwhelmed. I don't know what to fix first because it all seems to jumbled together. And I just know that the minute I start helping myself, the minute I get "better" and become happy - someone enters my life with the sole intention of destroying everything that I worked for. It's happened before and it will probably happen again.

I appreciate the suggestion of smiling, but I really do despise all of my colleagues. I don't want to smile at them. I would much rather glare at them and make faces like they do to me.

If only they had all just left me alone, I would be without any of these issues.

[Shamou]

Look padme... I hate to be harsh with you... but obviously something will have to change... either you change... or the entire world will have to change...

Now, there is very little that you can do to change the whole world... but you have a chance to change yourself is you work very hard at it...

Now, that change will not happen overnight... it will take time... so, what I suggest that you do is to try to find an area of your life that works... concentrate on that... and, little by little, you will find other areas that you can improve on... seek the little victories... and with enough little victories... eventually, you will win the war...

Good look to you... and, I wish you a ton of courage...

.

[Ree]

Originally Posted by padme

Thank you both for your replies. I appreciate them. It's just difficult for me to And I just know that the minute I start helping myself, the minute I get "better" and become happy - someone enters my life with the sole intention of destroying everything that I worked for. It's happened before and it will probably happen again.

I appreciate the suggestion of smiling, but I really do despise all of my colleagues. I don't want to smile at them. I would much rather glare at them and make faces like they do to me.

If only they had all just left me alone, I would be without any of these issues.

In your first post, you said friends say you are bi-polar. You should get an expert opinion on your condition and perhaps try medication.

We do teach people how to treat us. First, you must learn to be a friend to yourself, to actually LIKE yourself, before you can be a true friend to another person. It sounds to me like you don't believe you deserve to be happy and you are projecting this onto those around you.

I would urge you to keep looking until you find a counselor or a therapist that you can relate to and who will take you through the old lessons you need to unlearn and the new lessons you need to learn about your relationship with yourself. In my opinion, that is the root of your problem. It's not how you relate to others, but how you relate to yourself.

I wish you the very very best and I hope you will come back and give us an update on your progress

[Lychee]

padme, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find some encouraging words here.

All those things you have experienced...the bad childhood, the messed up family, the taunting, the friend-less times, your issues...forget all that. It's hard, but put it out of your mind for a bit.

It's not about anyone else, but you.

Your friends that hurt your feelings - resolve to not get upset over their actions and remove them from memories you will feed negativity off of. If your friends are making fun of you, then they aren't your friends. If they are actively hurting you, then don't let them in your life. These people are not helping you, they are pulling you down. If your coworkers continue to act rudely to you, give them a smile. It might be difficult, but do it and see how you feel afterwards. People who go out of their way to hurt people won't leave you alone, because they feed off of your reaction to it. Better than not giving them a reaction, respond in kindness.

Your degree is something to be proud of. You spent 4 years in a college and got a diploma certifying your education and effort. You did something to graduate.

Whatever the past is, accept it. It happened - the good, the bad, and the ugly. The books are closed. There is nothing you can do about it. But it seems that you are picking up the same book and rereading it. It is done, it is closed, leave it where it should be.

You feel so depressed because you are accepting what people are telling you. Listen only to yourself. You are the only one that counts (not in the sense that you should disrespect other people, of course). You've not only shut out people in your life, but your self! No wonder you're depressed. If people think you're shy, so what? Perception is subjective and perception can be incorrect. If they think what they are saying is the truth, does that mean they are right?

I find that the best way to get motivated is to find a worthwhile goal or ideal. You say you don't have goals, but think in an ideal world. Go back to the mentality of a child where the dismal conditions didn't exist and you lived in the world of fantasy. Try it out. What is your ideal? Find an ideal which sparks a fire in your heart. Do you want to achieve self-actualization? Do you want to do something positive in your community? Do you want to learn?

Again, focus on yourself. The only person you should be most concerned about is yourself. Work on yourself and look towards the future.

Wish you all the best.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by padme

I hate the world but most of all I hate myself.

Hi Padme,
There is some very good advice in these posts.
People treat you as a reflection of how you feel about yourself. They sense that you don't think much of yourself.
Have a look at where I write about having a healthy self-concept and loving yourself.
Like Shamou said it will take time to work on these things, however, you'll be surprised at how differently people will react to you once you change how you feel about yourself.

[Matthew Shea]

Originally Posted by padme

Thank you both for your replies. I appreciate them. It's just difficult for me to understand how I could be responsible - even a little bit - to how people in general treat me. I don't feel responsible for my allowing my friends to put me down and call me names. I didn't provoke them. I didn't do anything to them. I didn't ask to be treated badly. It would be insane if I did. And what about complete strangers and other people who barely know me who say nasty things to me behind my back (or to my face)? Surely I can't be held responsible for that.

Padme, people treat you that way because YOU ALLOW THEM TO! If you behave like a doormat, people are going to treat you like one. There's nothing good or bad about that, it's just the way the world works. If you want that to change, you have to speak up for yourself with confidence. Don't let people talk down to you. If someone does, challenge them. Be respectful, but at the same time show them that you're an able-bodied, intelligent person just as they are. If you can make a habit of this, things will change.

[munish]

Read this

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...of-life-intro/

[Love]

These questions might be helpful:

Do you believe that you can change, Padma?
Why?

[padme]

It seems so easy for everyone around me to stand up for themselves. I just can't do it because of the consequences. One of my friends slapped me once because I stood up to her and another friend pushed me because I got tired of him talking down to me. A woman at work wouldn't speak to me for two months because I told her she was wrong about a specific job policy. A roommate in college left our dorm in a disgusting mess for weeks because I refused to clean up after her.

These are the kinds of things that happen to me when I do stand up for myself. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Yesterday, a co-worker called me "crazy" to my face and started mocking me and my soft-spoken voice. I wanted to say something but I froze. I'm mad as hell about it now because I realize that she insulted me and then brushed it off as if it were nothing.

I don't think I could ever change. People will always treat me badly.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by padme

I don't think I could ever change. People will always treat me badly.

Padme either you're going to have to get over the consequences of how people react when you stand up for yourself or you will never change.

Any change that take place in your life will have to come from you. Are you working on loving yourself and training your mind to look at things differently? If not then nothing will change. For things to change you have to change. If you're not willing to, then your life will not get better.

I know this must be very difficult for you to do, but you have to start somewhere. Make the effort. Take little steps at first. Draw up an action plan for yourself. I have an example of some things you can do here.
Work on being the best you that you can be. You'll feel better about yourself and the rest will fall into place. You have to try!
Good luck!

[StewartC]

Hi Padme
In the DVD "The Secret" Bill Harris talks about one of his students named Robert. Robert is Gay and his life was miserable because he was being attacked by homophobic people, and this was because Robert was focusing on what he didn't want.

Bill Harris got Robert to focus on what he did want and his life changed in amazing ways. I suggest you get your self a copy of the DVD and watch it several times .... especially the section I have mentioned above.

The DVD is available from lots of places: I got it from the offical site Law of Attraction :: The Secret :: Offical Web Site of The Secret

I was a truck driver, and after I bought it I put the sound track on tape and played it while I was driving the truck. I listened to it about 3 times a day every day for about a month while I was driving the truck ..... It was amazing each time I listened to it I would hear something that I didn't hear before ...

The really interesting thing was learning how much I was thinking about or focusing on what I didn't want .... Since listening to it and focussing on what I do want my life has changed in amazing ways ... every thing from moving interstate ... living in a better home with 25% lower rent ... to meeting people to help me with my hobbies, to no longer driving trucks ..... I could go on and on.

Again it is available from the offical site Law of Attraction :: The Secret :: Offical Web Site of The Secret for $29.95 which is a pitance for something that could change your life dramaticlly. It is the best investment I have ever made

Stewart

[The David]

The victim mentality is extremely hard to break. I grew up with it and still struggle with it. If you tell yourself that aren't a victim, that you can make something positive of the situation, or that you can't wallow in self-pity, your ego will torment you until you recant. I went through a lot of what you went through, except that people have generally been nice to me, so it was a little more obvious that I had problems.

I'm a little curious about exactly how bad this is. Is everyone mean to you? How are you with people? Some of those insults sound juvenile--insulting your physical features and/or ethnicity is the mark of a bully. But things like 'bad attitude' and '♥♥♥♥♥' concern me. I'm not calling you a ♥♥♥♥♥, and I probably wouldn't if I knew you, but how much have you considered the idea that you might be attracting some of this? The world is not a bully, it has bullies in it. It also has a lot of nice people, and you have to learn to look for them. Any chance some of their criticism is valid? Are you excessively irritable with people? Are you the kind of person who 'brings the atmosphere down'?

It would be easier to help you if I knew you personally. Since I don't, I'm just giving you the advice I should've gotten when I was younger.

[Red Willow]

Hey Padme, I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

Here's a suggestion for you. Have you ever watched a baby sleep? It's the most wonderful thing to see such a precious, peaceful being.

I want you to picture yourself when you were three months old, sleeping soundly in your crib, arms stretched out over your head the way only little babies sleep. You're little tummy is rising and falling with each deep breath. You are perfect.

That little tiny perfect being is completely deserving of love. Even if your parents didn't rise up to the challenge, would you deny that little baby love? Well, that little baby is you! You're still the same perfect creature!

Please love yourself, you really deserve it.

[carenkh]

The book Loving What Is by Byron Katie, and her site, The Work of Byron Katie are very powerful, and I believe would be helpful to you.

Peace to you.

[Jams]

Originally Posted by padme

It's difficult for me to understand how I could be responsible - even a little bit - to how people in general treat me. I don't feel responsible for my allowing my friends to put me down and call me names. I didn't provoke them. I didn't do anything to them. I didn't ask to be treated badly. It would be insane if I did. And what about complete strangers and other people who barely know me who say nasty things to me behind my back (or to my face)? Surely I can't be held responsible for that.

Every human being in this world has only one ultimate freedom - the freedom to choose how they perceive the world and events around them. This is the only freedom that can never be taken away from you. As are we all, you are responsible for the way you chose to perceive events in your life, and how you let them affect you.

Imagine that your soul is a sponge that absorbs thoughts and feelings, that it is completely deaf and blind to the outside world, and absorbs only the thoughts & emotions running through your mind. You spend your time dwelling on negetive events, negetive emotions and the futility of your existence, and so your sponge has become saturated with darkness. When you dwell on the negetive, your are choosing to let that darkness penetrate to the very core of your being.

It is up to you, and only you, to fill your world with happiness. Your mind can be a filter which allows only happiness, joy & positivity to penetrate down to your soul. You just have to switch your focus.

Visualise your sponge every day, notice and celebate the positivity you have allowed it to soak up. If you see that it is full of negetivity, visualise gripping it with both hands and ringing, watching all the darkness pour away in front of you. And next time somebody insults you, refuse to let their negetivity penetrate you. Discard their darkness at the gate.

Contrary to what was said earlier in this thread, it is not a case of either you changing or the rest of the world. Both are in fact the same. You yourself have the power to change the world, simply by changing your perception of it.

[padme]

Originally Posted by The David

I'm a little curious about exactly how bad this is. Is everyone mean to you? How are you with people? Some of those insults sound juvenile--insulting your physical features and/or ethnicity is the mark of a bully. But things like 'bad attitude' and '♥♥♥♥♥' concern me. I'm not calling you a ♥♥♥♥♥, and I probably wouldn't if I knew you, but how much have you considered the idea that you might be attracting some of this? The world is not a bully, it has bullies in it. It also has a lot of nice people, and you have to learn to look for them. Any chance some of their criticism is valid? Are you excessively irritable with people? Are you the kind of person who 'brings the atmosphere down'?

I'm usally called a "♥♥♥♥♥" when someone says something to insult my appearance or intelligence and then I say something just as bad to get back at them. I see it as giving back to them exactly what they give to me. Sometimes I actually get tired of sitting there and taking someone's insults with a smile and then getting upset later when I can just deal with it then by being nasty to them. Other times I'm being "mean" because I don't let people have their way with me. It's either, I refuse to give someone something of mine or I don't want to date them. Somehow I'm being "mean" when everyone else is being normal.

I used to talk back to my friends on some occasions because they would say something smart-mouthed and they would get upset because of what I said - totally ignoring the fact that if they hadn't said what they said I wouldn't have talked back to them in a mean way. One good example is when a co-worker was trying to tell me something and I had to tell her that she was wrong although I didn't secifically tell her that. I told her that "this is how it is as far as I know and I got the manager's approval so you can believe what you want." People get really pissed off at my indifference and the fact that I will not argue with them. They want me to say they are right and I won't. Another person once said something completely off the wall about me and I immediately corrected him. He said I could really be a ♥♥♥♥♥ if I wanted to. I told him, if standing up for yourself is being a ♥♥♥♥♥, then so be it.

I once told a guy I didn't want to date him and since people "don't get it" when I'm "nice" and "subtle" I decided to be blunt and tell him he was unattractive, controlling, and we had different interests. He got upset and said I could have been a bit nicer in saying that I didn't want to date him. No one spares me that kind of courtesty so why should I?

Another guy told me I was "mean" because I didn't really want to talk to him (he was trying to ask me out). I was trying to ignore him so I could get out of the store. The guy thought that insulting me was going to get him a date. I usually just ignore a lot of guys who try to say hello to me because I don't think they are really interested in me. They get mad, knowing full well that they were just trying to get a number from me and then move one.

A lot of people tell me to "smile" or ask why I "look mad" when I am out walking in public. I get mad at them and either ignore them or tell them to "shut up" because they don't know what I am going through.

It's really bad at work, with people telling me to smile or asking me why I look pissed off. Another co-worker said that when her wedding comes up in the future, she "only wants happy, positive people" there. She didn't say specifically that she didn't want me to be there but I know she was talking about me. It really pissed me off how she said it and how she will always say crap like "you are so weak" or "at least I hold my head up". Other people will be like, "I smile no matter what" or "I give to people knowing I won't give anything back". I think they are pretty much mocking me when they talk like this to me.

[Old Soul]

Actually having bad relationships is NOT one of the symptoms of Bipolor disorder, perhaps the friends and family who are suggesting this are misinformed

I would do some personal research on Bipolor disorder as well as get a second opinion, ( medical opinion of course)

[Old Soul]

I like the way this lady thinks!! Kudos for her:-)

[Old Soul]

, or that you can't wallow in self-pity, your ego will torment you until you recant

This is so true, I have been there and now i see it with my step son, only his ego has bullied his "inner child" into such submission!! that his life is so small and he is soooo miserable