Help Me With My Relationship Jealousy Issues!!!!!

[VetTechJess]

Answer me these two questions:

1. Why do Women these days have more jealousy Issues?

2. Why are Men so God Damn CLUELESS about why Women have Jealousy Issues?

I ask this because theres this new female pharmacy school intern thats around my bf's age. (I am female so that you know...)

Today I was at his work delivering him his lunch when said female intern was on the phone with another pharmacy....I didnt hear the conversation both ways...

I normally dont feel threatened by other females just to let you know...its just a gut instinct/intuition/feeling with this said female pharmacy intern.

A few things about her raise her "level of threat" in my book...(and I may be just paranoid but hear me out...)

1. Shes a Pharmacy School Intern. she has finished her first year of pharmacy school, so in three more years, she will be beyond loaded moneywise....I have just a high school diploma and am currently unemployed waiting for the seeming endless cherades of the god damn criminal bkg check to get back so i can start my new job .....(more on that later). my BF is studying to be a pharmacist but is currently an undergrad.....

2. She dresses pretty. her hair is all highlighted and done up nicely, her clothes are nice and everything. I cant dress that nice because I cannot afford it. As when I do have a job with the money, all of it will go to bills.

3. Shes Single. thats her highest level of threat. in my book atleast... these days job security isnt the only thing thats gone....relationship security is gone too....and the thing is, its not my BF I dont trust....its other women particularly this one...everyone knows these days single and even married and taken women dont care about someone whose in a loving relationship anymore. they get tunnel vision so to speak and they turn into the jaws of a shark...devouring--or an attempt to devour--any bit of holiness (for lack of a better word) that is in a loving two person relationship...and NOTHING can stop them!!!!! even if the person they have tunnel vision for tells them to go away....they still wont!!! thats where you hear about things on the 6 oclock news about....

and god ************ing forbid that I even tell my bf about my feelings because he will then just say that I am jealous...and maybe I am rightfully so.....maybe they are jealousy feelings....i wouldnt be surprised abit if they were....

I need help on this please!!! (answer the two questions at the top as well please!!)

DONT SUGGEST COUNSELING!! I WILL NOT PAY SOME "PROFESSIONAL" TO LISTEN TO MY PROBLEMS!!!

[Angela]

Jessica, you sound like you're right in the middle of a fear reaction. I think the best thing you could do is have a nice meditation, or nap, or cup of tea.

My answer to your questions:

a) You are operating under the illusion that you are in control. (of him, of her, of us, of anyone, of anything.)

b) You are also operating under the illusion that there is a threat.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Right on to what Angela said. Jealousy - been there, done that, ashamed to wear the t-shirt.

He may or may not go for some other girl, but jealousy is a guaranteed way to tear yourself and your relationship apart.

[Alchemiss]

I love Angela's answer. I'd only add that what we admire or hate in others is often some part of ourselves we have either not manifested yet (in the admiring case) or accepted yet (in the hating case). Do you have interests in your life you have not been pursuing? Perhaps your inner pharmacy intern or what your own personal equivalent is needs permission to blossom. Consider investing time and money in yourself.

[VetTechJess]

I know I know...

with me I still have issues with my parents divorce...my parents were married for 23 years before some woman no less than a homewrecking whore whose face looks like that of a horse's ass...(poor horse!) tore their relationship apart within less than 3 weeks after I graduated from high school!!!

My father was and still is a womanizer.....Its a process I must say to not compare my father with my bf cause thankfully (and i made damn sure of this!!) my bf has NO WOMANIZING QUALITIES of my father...but that doesnt stop the ugly jealousy/issues/hurt monster from rearing its head from time to time...

just so you know, I would never want to be "in control" of someone else....for the first 19 years of my life, my every move i made was dictated to me.....I am 23 now just so you know...so it takes time to heal...but im working on it..

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by VetTechJess

...She dresses pretty. her hair is all highlighted and done up nicely, her clothes are nice and everything. I cant dress that nice because I cannot afford it.

Hi VetTechJess,
You're jealous of this pharmacist and she's a threat to you because you feel you don't measure up on some points i.e. she dresses pretty, she's single, she'll be loaded in a few years etc.

The best thing you can do for yourself is just act normally and confidently (even if you don't feel it). If you don't, your boyfriend will sense your insecurity and what you fear will come about. He might draw back and the more he does, the more insecure you will get. Just stay calm and maybe make sure you look and are at your best in the next little while.

If things are good and he feels good about you, then no one else should be a threat to your relationship because after all, right now you have him!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by VetTechJess

just so you know, I would never want to be "in control" of someone else....for the first 19 years of my life, my every move i made was dictated to me.....I am 23 now just so you know...so it takes time to heal...but im working on it..

Jessica, please bear with me, cuz I suspect this will be very hard to hear. I think it's very difficult to see this in yourself, but your original post is all about controlling others, start to finish. As an amateur psychologist , it makes sense to me from your story that what happened would make you feel really out-of-control and fearful, especially when you were just on the threshold of adult relationships yourself (just graduating from high school -- what an incredibly vulnerable time that is!)

The pain and fear you feel is so huge, it's like a third party in every relationship. Your anger for the woman your dad left his wife for is so enormous that it spills over onto every other single woman. That's got to have an effect on your relationships with women, as well. Is it possible that you have unresolved feelings about your dad and mom that you have pushed onto the horse-faced woman, and by extension, all women?

I know the idea of talking to a therapist sounds awful to you right now, but I think you're in a crisis, and your pain is looking for a way to express and resolve itself.

Lots of love to you, and best wishes.

[coleflowers]

It's hard to really assess a situation when posting only allows me a small view into what is really going on, but I did have something I wanted to suggest to you. I was wondering if this is really about jealously at all. I think there may be some unresolved feelings and resentment about your father that you are projecting onto the relationship you are in. I don't want to offend you, but what makes you so sure she has her eye on your man? And even if she does, so what. If your guy is awesome and great and you are attracted to him than I think its a huge compliment that others share your good taste. I think the biggest threat to your boyfriend leaving you is more about how you react to the situation than how pretty or well dressed some other girl is. There will always be someone prettier or better dressed or richer than you. That's just how life is. I don't know if I am of any help on this, but I hope you can work through this

[JohnPlace]

Whether or not your boyfriend cheats has nothing to do with the other woman, and everything to do with your boyfriend. No one can force one human being to betray another. Betrayal is voluntary -- otherwise we wouldn't call it betrayal; we'd call it coercion.

Either your boyfriend is willing to cheat on you or he's not. It's really that simple.

You could parade 10 of the most beautiful women in the world in front of me and I would *never* cheat on my wife. Why? Because I'm an honest man, I honor my commitments, and I love my wife. Plus, I respect myself, and people who respect themselves handle themselves with integrity.

I totally agree with Angela regarding your need to control others. But the fact is, you cannot control your boyfriend. He either wants to be with you, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, there is nothing you can do about it except for pick up the pieces and move on.

Know this: Any man willing to cheat on you isn't worth having.

[Gary]

1. Why do Women these days have more jealousy Issues?

Women have jealousy because they have fears. They have fears because they make their value dependent on the opinion of a man.

2. Why are Men so God Damn CLUELESS about why Women have Jealousy Issues?

Men are clueless because they are not able to perceive other people's emotions. As a matter of fact, most men are barely able to perceive their own emotions. They do not read minds and so they do not know the ways a woman will feel insecure and therefore jealous.

By the same token, women do not read minds and are not aware of how insecure most men are.

To get a handle on your mind and emotions, thoughts, and beliefs check out the free audio sessions in self mastery.

[Amadeus]

Maybe she is the reason he is losing feeling in his face.

[VetTechJess]

Originally Posted by Amadeus

Maybe she is the reason he is losing feeling in his face.

doubtful..........(damn 10 character minimum)

[VetTechJess]

I recently asked him to clarify what hes feeling.....so he tells me that the feeling of pins and needles is in his scalp...and that it sometimes radiates to his face....and sometimes maybe a couple fingers are affected.....

damn it why cant males give adequate description as to how theyre feeling?!?!?!(as far as what ails them)

[ZHereford]

VetTechJess,

You haven't updated us on your jealousy issues progress. How's it going?

[VetTechJess]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

VetTechJess,

You haven't updated us on your jealousy issues progress. How's it going?

thankfully its going alot better....i dunno why I was freaking out...i think its in part of the fact i havent been called in for orientation yet.....and that I keep calling and calling and my criminal background check hasnt yet come in...I asked my mother to calculate it for me....and she factored in the memorial day holiday delay (grrr@delays of any kind in my getting this job) and she said it would be about tuesday or wednesday before it would come back.... (it takes 7-10 business days for the criminal bkg check to totally go thru...)

Other than that, everythings fine!

Anyone know the feeling?!?! (of knowing youll get the job but you have to wait for that one little last thing that wants to take its time in getting back)...?

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by VetTechJess

Anyone know the feeling?!?! (of knowing youll get the job but you have to wait for that one little last thing that wants to take its time in getting back)...?

Thanks for the update and I'm glad everything is going better!

I know exactly what you mean about "knowing" that you'll get the job yet having to wait. Until you get the final go ahead, it's not in the bag yet and that stills leaves the slightest possibility that something can get screwed up.
The best of luck to you!

[VetTechJess]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Thanks for the update and I'm glad everything is going better!

I know exactly what you mean about "knowing" that you'll get the job yet having to wait. Until you get the final go ahead, it's not in the bag yet and that stills leaves the slightest possibility that something can get screwed up.
The best of luck to you!

how could a criminal background check get screwed up? I know what I have on my background--a few wrecks that are not my fault (I dont know if itll show up or not but I mentioned it anyways) and an Improper U turn traffic ticket. when I told them about the above things on my background, they laughed and said it wouldnt disqualify me...

I just hope nobody has gone haywire with my identity. Now would not be a good time to find out that I would be a victim of identity theft!!!

that shouldnt be a problem though because I am close to paranoid when it comes to disclosing anything for my identity....

[ZHereford]

No, I think your mother is right. The holiday weekend, bureaucratic nonsense, incompetence, etc.

I have a friend who just started working in the court system offices after being in the private sector for so long and she can't believe how inefficient and unmotivated the people are in the office. The real business world would never stand for such a lack of industriousness. People wait at the counter to get served - to pay a traffic ticket or whatever, and the girls just sit there talking about the last night's television program.
Very bad service! I can't believe the stories she tells me. I'm sure it's not like that everywhere, but it could be a factor here.
I wouldn't worry too much, it'll come. Those girls in the office sure aren't worrying about it!

[Amadeus]

Hey Vettech, I've given you some good advice regarding your husband's health problems. Did you read it?

[VetTechJess]

Originally Posted by Amadeus

Hey Vettech, I've given you some good advice regarding your husband's health problems. Did you read it?

I will get to it...hang on while I look....

[Gary]

Some men (and this applies to women as well) don't share their feelings for good reasons.

In past relationships or present relationships they have experienced having that information used against them. Or they use what happens when they share to judge themselves.

If their partner has an emotional reaction or becomes upset when they talk about how they feel they feel bad. Perhaps they judge themselves for saying something, or saying it in a way that upsets a person they care about. Men and women learn to hide information about themselves so that they don't upset people they care about.

Calling this stupid, or pointing out that it can be more upsetting to hide things does not change this behavior.

At other times a man might not share what is going on with himself because it will not only upset his partner, but his partner will blame him for their being upset. In this case he is not only him judging himself, his parter is also in on this misplaced judgment.

In this way men (and women) are socially conditioned to hide information from their partner. You can call it dishonest. You can call it being in emotional denial. In reality it's just trying to feel emotionally safe in relationship.

[Susie]

More than jealous, you sound insecure (though I suppose the two go hand-in-hand). I was surpised that your list of why you were jealous had no mention of her behavior towards him-- I was expecting at least some mention that she was flirting with him or you overheard him flirting with her etc. All she did was be herself-- a well-groomed pharmacy intern who probably has 0 interest in your boyfriend, SO CHILL OUT! And work on improving your self-esteem so you don't feel so threatened by those you feel are somehow "better" than you. I know because I've been there and it can be overcome.