He lied to me. Do I get over it or move on?

[Stellate]

Hello all,

This is my first time posting so go easy on me!

Here's my situation:

-I'm a single mom with a child in kindergarten. I'm employed, financially stable, good relationship with exhusband (well, as good as can be) and have sole custody of my daughter.

-I "re-met" a guy I went to high school with about 1.5 years ago. I knew his brother well in high school but didn't know him well. We met, started dating, things got serious, we moved in together (many months after we met) and things seemed like they were going well until...

-I found out the income he told me he made was *nowhere* near what he really made (he said he made $100k, really made $35k annually). I don't care what he makes - I have plenty of my own money. I just would have liked him to be honest about it from the start. Finding that out meant that he wouldn't be in the position to purchase a house anytime soon. He's never been a homeowner but I've owned 3 homes and would like to buy again soon.

-I learned he had bad credit, no savings and lots of debt. Found that out when we went to rent a house together... Ugh.

-And... the final kicker... I was home one day from work early and got the mail (he usually gets it as he gets home before I do). There was a letter from the court there... I opened it...yes, I know I probably should have just given it to him but I was very curious...

He had gotten a DUI about 6 months prior to the time we met. He never told me about it. He was extremely angry that I opened "his" mail and was mad that I found out about his DUI. I was angry that he never told me and even angrier when he tried to brush me off and wouldn't tell me anything more about his court dates, etc. - This is a man that has been picking my child up from school every day!!

He has since apologized but still really hasn't been forthcoming with information about the DUI. I really haven't been able to trust him since that time. I've noticed he's been secretive about other things and I just can't accept that in a relationship.

So, we live together now. We broke up at the end of February and he left for a few days... then he begged to come back and I stupidly took him back. He promised to change and blah blah blah...

My child loves him and I did love him but I am no longer in love with him at all. I don't want to have sex with him, I can barely kiss him goodnight and I really don't even want to have to be around him.

But he won't leave. He knows I am desperately unhappy but it's like he's gotta just keep up appearances for his family's sake... since I'm such a good catch (I know I am).

I know I've rambled a bit but I just had to get this all out... I would love to hear your thoughts, advice, etc.

Bottom line - do you think what he's done is unforgivable? I just really needed him to be honest with me... I don't know that I can get past this - this guy isn't *everything* to me... but he claims that I am *everything* to him...

Thanks for your advice/comments/help...

[Angela]

You really want to have this guy living in the same house as your child?

Your intuition is giving you loud, clear signals about what to do. Act now. Do not wait for something to happen.

I invite you to read 'The Gift of Fear' and 'Protecting the Gift' by Gavin DeBecker. But before you do, get that guy out of the home your child is in.

That's what I think.

[Michelle]

He won't leave? That would scare me.

If he lied about so many things, the chance is small he is going to magically start telling the truth to you tomorrow.

I have the feeling you deserve better, so why are you letting him get away with this?

If he won't leave, have him removed.

[Stellate]

Thanks Angela and Michelle.

I have read The Gift of Fear (I do volunteer work in the DV community...) and honestly this is what bugs me so bad about it. All along I have been trying to "justify" his behavior and excuses to myself. And, ultimately, I just can't.

There is so much pressure from his family for us to stay together because I am such a catch. It's like they just want him to stay with me because they can finally see that he's "getting his life on track"... but, really, I know that I do deserve better...

What I can't figure out is what's wrong with me. WHY am I putting up with this crap? I am strong, intelligent, self-sufficient...

When I broke things off before he gave me the, "you can't just quit! we've gotta keep trying!" kind of reasoning for getting back together.

When we split up before my daughter was very sad at first. She does love him and I know that he loves her...

But, really, it's killing me to stay with him. I feel like every day that goes by - my soul is slowly shutting down. Does that make sense? I've never really felt that in a relationship before... I have told him all of this but he doesn't listen. He only wants what he wants... and that, to me, tells me that he must not really truly love me.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Stellate

But, really, it's killing me to stay with him. I feel like every day that goes by - my soul is slowly shutting down. Does that make sense? I've never really felt that in a relationship before... I have told him all of this but he doesn't listen. He only wants what he wants... and that, to me, tells me that he must not really truly love me.

Stellate, I don't know how closely you're listening to your own words, but if I were you I wouldn't wait another minute to remove him from my life. It's not just about you, you know. You have a kid to protect, not just from his bad behavior, but also protecting her from bonding any further with a man you know you need to kick to the curb.

Do you have someone (big, strong, menacing) to be there with you when you exorcise the guy? This sounds like a job that requires reinforcements.

Lots of love,
Angela

[Chet]

Get out NOW.
Once a liar, always a liar.
The longer you wait the harder it will be precisely because of that 'shutting down' thing.

[jamestl2]

Alright, I don’t know you or the guy personally, (and I’m definitely *not* a relationship expert) so I will try not to jump to conclusions and give my POV based off everything you said.

It kind of sounds like you didn’t trust him before you found out about his DUI (opening his mail, researching his financial history, etc., it would be understandable if you were truly concerned about him then, or if both of your names were on the court letter, etc.). If relationships are suppose to be built on trust, then why put up with any of it at all in the first place?

I agree with the fact that there is no excuse for him lying to you (It seems like he was just trying to impress you with his money, house, etc.)

If he says you mean *everything* to him, (and at the same time still keeps secrets and gets angry) it sounds like he is just trying to manipulating into feeling bad about yourself, whereas someone who truly cared about you would not *still* hide things about himself.

I don’t know why you are letting *his* family put pressure on you, because if you just decided to end everything, you wouldn’t have to worry about any of them, right? (Unless you still would have to see them or something based on external factors.)

Like Michelle said, if you asked him to leave and he refused, then why not call the police or something. Although I don’t quite agree with Angela’s method of getting some other guy involved, as he may get even more jealous and emotionally unstable, accuse you of cheating, etc.

Hope everything turns out OK and Goold Luck to you and your daughter

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Stellate

Bottom line - do you think what he's done is unforgivable? I just really needed him to be honest with me... I don't know that I can get past this - this guy isn't *everything* to me... but he claims that I am *everything* to him...

It's not that it's unforgivable, but that you can't trust him. If he were to say, "You know what, I haven't been honest with you. I am sorry. Here's the truth. Let's figure out a way to restore trust" I would say you have a beginning to try and make things right. Trust is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship in my opinion. I have just gone through a break up (and a let's try to work it out thing). It's really hard to separate yourself from another person when your lives are so combined, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Even if you love eachother and both want to stay together (which it really doesn't seem like you do from what you wrote).

You said you feel your soul is slowly shutting down. I see that as a huge red flag. Get him out of your life. Your daughter will be okay. And it may be better for her in the long run to see you make a good decision for yourself in this relationship. Ask yourself, would you want her to be in a relationship like this?

[Angela]

just to be clear, jamestl2, I didn't say anything about a guy. In my mind, I was picturing a sherrif.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Heck, she can take me along. I'm pretty scary!

I can see what jamestl2 means, but I also thought you meant someone in authority...or maybe her father or another relative.

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Angela

just to be clear, jamestl2, I didn't say anything about a guy. In my mind, I was picturing a sherrif.

My mistake, it sounded like that was what you were hinting at.

[Angela]

Yeah, mostly I think it's important to have a third, unafraid party there. If it were me, I'd pick my brother who's 6'3" and has an intimidating demeanor. Also he's packing.

[Stellate]

From a legal standpoint - I don't know that I even have the right to call the police unless things got very heated verbally or physically and I don't want it to get to that point.

He isn't physically or verbally abusive so I don't worry about that happening. But I do worry about him trying to manipulate me, make me feel sorry for him, etc. Obviously he's done that in the past, knows it pushes my buttons and thinks if he just keeps trying that it'll work for him again. So, my only recourse is to go silent at this point and just not entertain any conversation from him.

I really do appreciate everyone's input. I know I haven't responded to all of it yet but I am taking everything to heart.

Someone really should start a "rent a huge imposing guy" company...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I re-read this and it sounds kind of confrontational, but that's not how I meant it at all. I'm just brainstorming...I hope I haven't offended you!

Ok, so you said he lives with you, right? If you tell him he needs to move out what will he do? Just keep living there without your permission?

I know what you mean (believe me!) about manipulation and making you feel sorry for him. He will try it because it has worked. However, you will be immune to it. You will not engage in conversation or discussion of your decision. Tell him this is the decision you have made and it's not up for debate. If he's not on the lease or deed or whatever and you ask him to leave and he won't, I wonder if that would constitute a legal reason? Regardless of if things were to get out of hand, wouldn't the fact that he's in your home against your will be trespassing or something?

[medaille]

First of all, I don't think that anything is unforgivable. The question I see is, can he become the right man for you? I think he's already blew that opportunity.

You said you didn't love him and that you can't see yourself having sex with him. Those are two huge cornerstones of a relationship.

As far as your child is concerned, I think you owe it to her to be a happy and loving mom. She is going to suck up the energy and emotions that you are feeling and she's going to take them as her own. The longer you are with this guy the worse you are going to feel and the worse you are going to express your love to others.

If you are going to give him another chance, then you need to be upfront with him. Tell him you will not tolerate his way of life anymore. You are a person that deserves love and respect all the time. You can't have the lying and the emotional drainage in you or your childs life anymore. You are done bending for him. At the very he least he has to make his way back to even to be a part of your life. He is going to have to be a better man to stay in this relationship. Ask him why he has stooped so far? Why has he accepted this behavior from himself? Call his mom and ask why they support his behavior? The illusion won't last forever, why are they delaying the responsibility he needs to take to become the man he should be? Only someone who's ashamed of themselves would pretend to be someone else.

If he's not who he wants to be: fine. We all want to improve. But why isn't he working to become who he wants to be?

Another option would be to have him write down his goals in life of what kind of man he wants to be. Then write down a plan to achieve them. Then achieve them. Most of his problems aren't monetary in nature, they are stuff he can actually work on immediately. Make him prove that he's on a path of self-improvement.

But, I think for your sake, you are best off dumping him for someone who isn't going to be a soulsucker. Your kid will get over it, just make sure the next guy is going to be someone who's right for both of you.

[Lychee]

I think you should move on.

[cbreeze]

it took me a year and a lot of loss of time, heart, dreams future and thousands to admit/realize that the man I married is a sociopathic narcissist. In short, please heed your gut/evidence - leave him now. I've gotten over the shock (after being told to move out), the grief because I was truly in love with him and miss the loving, laughter, etc., but the humiliation of being dumped without explanation/closure, saying he'd pay for divorce, and finding out he has a history of doing this to ppl - the grief turned to anger and I obsessed with how to bring him down, but he's not worth the money for a lawyer. Today, I feel better, forgive myself for attracting him and will work on whatever it is within to have attracted such a heartless, pathological liar. I'm sorry you are going through this experience, but, that's what life is all about they say. Strength and loving energy going your way.

[Peter S C]

Like the others have said, move on. I think you already know this is the only solution but the fact that it is never easy to end a relationship is holding you back. Then you will be able to get on with your life and find someone who doesn't lie to you. Good luck.

[Ree]

Stellate, I don't know which state you live in. I'm assuming you live in the US. Some states recognize two individuals living together as a common-law marriage. This could mean that potentially he could claim ownership to any property or money you have acquired while you've been living together. The laws differ from state to state. For example, if you have inherited any money from a relative and placed it into a joint checking account with him, he could claim half of that money, if you live in a state that recognizes common-law marriage.

This may not be the case in the state in which you live, so it may be a moot point. But it's something you need to be aware of. You should also take steps to protect your personal information, such as bank account numbers and so forth. This man seems to be untrustworthy and financially unstable and that is a dangerous combination.