relationship with girl with a 1 year old

[MattUK]

My gf has a kid who's 1 years old, and the kid is really misbehaved and she's bound by curfews and we're very limited to time to ourselves.

We are both 20 years old and i like her a lot but the kid is a big issue for me, i never want to be responsible legally for the kid either, is this something i need to worry about?

[AirBreather]

Originally Posted by MattUK

*snip*
i like her a lot
*snip*
i never want to be responsible legally for the kid
*snip*

Look at those two comments. See a bit of a disconnect? I do.

You either like her enough to take her *and* all parts of her life... Or you are not. Clear decision either way, hmm?

Unless you just want some short-term thing.

*shrug*

[MattUK]

Originally Posted by AirBreather

Look at those two comments. See a bit of a disconnect? I do.

You either like her enough to take her *and* all parts of her life... Or you are not. Clear decision either way, hmm?

Unless you just want some short-term thing.

*shrug*

what has me liking her got anything to do with being financially responsible for the kid

[Iksander]

Well it kind of sounds like you are asking a long-term question! That's what it has to do with the kid...

Be convicted - if you do not want to support the kid, then maybe you should break up with her. If you tell her how you feel and that it won't work out upto a certain point (ie, taking care of the child); that is kind of playing with her, because all relationships grow and the more hurtful it will be to her if you leave after two years (or more, assuming you wold even last that long) because you can't support or don't want to support the child.

Be honest with yourself and with her - she certainly won't like it, but, she will have a better life and you will too. She will have the opportunity to find someone that likes her as much as you do AND likes the child (and taking care of the child). You will have the opportunity to find a woman that does not have a kid that you like alot!

My thoughts anywho, hope it helps.

[InJoy]

Iksander and AirBreather are right. The fact is, if a person has a child, that child is part of any relationship that person has with anyone else. This is true with any child, but is especially relevent with a very young one.

[Interpreneur]

I have been there more than once. For some reason I am a magnet for single mothers.

In my younger days I fell in love with a pregnant girl who worked with me, but I didn't like the baby's father. We dated throughout most of her pregnancy, and I was the one there when the child was born, but I didn't feel any sense of responsibility as a future stepfather.

After she gave birth things got worse in the relationship because now she wasn't just my girlfriend....she was also a mother with a screaming baby to feed and diapers to change.

Long story short....at the kid's one year birthday party, I got into a fist fight with his real dad. That incident broke the relationship for good.

The last single mom I dated had a 4 year old daughter, and pretty much the same thing happened. I loved the mother, but I couldn't find a connection with the kid, so we broke up after a few months.

In between those there were a few other single moms in my life, but things got nowhere fast because of all the added responsibility that they have. I don't consider myself a bad person, but I just don't connect with children.

So based on my own personal experience, if you feel that way now, you're probably not going to change. Find yourself a hot young girl without children, and go make your own.

Now, some people might call me a hypocrite because I have a 12 year old son who has a stepfather that is great to him, and I'm glad, because I haven't been able to pull that off with other people's children. And I'm just being honest. I'm just not good with kids, and perhaps until I get a chance to be a biological father again, I just won't get it.

[medaille]

Be honest. with yourself and her.

She has a kid and it's not going anywhere. Her loyalties will always be the kid before you.

That said, she might like you enough to be in a relationship with you. Just don't ever let her believe that you are going to be responsible for the child. At some point in time, she will probably need help in raising the child and will dump you for someone that will provide that help.

[Red Willow]

I'm not sure where finances come in. Has she asked you to spend money on her child? Or you're just freaked out that someday she'll want to marry you and you'll have an instant family to support?

If you know you don't like her or her kid enough to commit to them, you should break up with her now. Do it for her and for her child. That child will start to grow up and think of you as a father figure, and that child will be devastated when you leave down the road.

You also mentioned that her 1 year old is very misbehaved. All 1 year olds are misbehaved. I actually don't think a 1 year old knows how to behave. That child will come into it's own and be more "fun" if that's what your worried about. Sounds like you're not ready for fatherhood. That's ok. Move on.

[Gordon]

Originally Posted by MattUK

My gf has a kid who's 1 years old, and the kid is really misbehaved and she's bound by curfews and we're very limited to time to ourselves.

We are both 20 years old and i like her a lot but the kid is a big issue for me, i never want to be responsible legally for the kid either, is this something i need to worry about?

Matt,

The child is one year old....not misbehaved....she is baby and babies demand attentions.

Your second comment....you are not mature enough to look after a baby, because you don't want to....your commments prove that, because the fact are this....

She comes with a baby (were you hoping she would pass it on to the original father and let you get on with your relationship....foolish immature thinking young man.

Secondly, you don't love this girl, because if you did the thought and the comments would not have appeared on this forum. You would accept the fact she has a baby, and all it demands.

Thirdly, you are thinking of yourself still....not the mother....that's all...you want time alone with the mother (that bit is understandable), but in this type of relationship, sacrificies have to be made.

Let her go and allow her to find a grown up, because at 20....clearly your not ready son.

Don't think I am being harsh, I am just being realistic....being in any relationship involves sacrifice and compromise...what you have posted is about looking for a way to have the girl and not deal with the day to day issues of the baby....SELFISH,...that's why your not really ready for any relationship.

If you continued with this relationship, how is the baby going to feel as she grows up, "Well my mother partners doesn't want that much to do with me." Mmmmm....there are too many screwed up kids, because of bad relationships with ignorant stepfathers.

No, if you have to, say let the girl go and hopefully she will find a man who will look after her no matter what....again, your not ready.....either step away, before you mess everything up for everyone including yourself or committ 110% to this woman.

It's a simple choice....make it NOW!!

G

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Sounds like you're just not that into her. If you were, the kid wouldn't be a problem. When you love someone totally, nothing stands in the way. A "like you a lot" relationship is not advisable with kids involved in my opinion. Until or unless it's really serious, you shouldn't be in the kid's life at all...too much at stake. That's just me. Take it or leave it.

[Lychee]

Good advice Gordon.

[Matthew Shea]

Originally Posted by AirBreather

You either like her enough to take her *and* all parts of her life... Or you are not. Clear decision either way, hmm?

This is my favorite quote in this thread. If you're not ready to accept EVERYTHING about your girlfriend, child included, move on.

I want to echo some of the others' comments about babies. I have a 17 mo. old myself. Babies TOTALLY respond to the environment around them. If the parents and others in the child's life are calm and consistent, the child will be well behaved and a lot of fun. If the people around the child let frustration take over and are inconsistent in how they treat the child, especially when putting their own needs ahead of the baby's, the child will reflect that. Every time. Until you're ready to always, always, ALWAYS put the kid first and to be kind, consistent and loving all the time, for the child's sake I'd suggest you stick to women without children.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Interpreneur

I have been there more than once. For some reason I am a magnet for single mothers.

In my younger days I fell in love with a pregnant girl who worked with me, but I didn't like the baby's father. We dated throughout most of her pregnancy, and I was the one there when the child was born, but I didn't feel any sense of responsibility as a future stepfather.

After she gave birth things got worse in the relationship because now she wasn't just my girlfriend....she was also a mother with a screaming baby to feed and diapers to change.

Long story short....at the kid's one year birthday party, I got into a fist fight with his real dad. That incident broke the relationship for good.

The last single mom I dated had a 4 year old daughter, and pretty much the same thing happened. I loved the mother, but I couldn't find a connection with the kid, so we broke up after a few months.

In between those there were a few other single moms in my life, but things got nowhere fast because of all the added responsibility that they have. I don't consider myself a bad person, but I just don't connect with children.

So based on my own personal experience, if you feel that way now, you're probably not going to change. Find yourself a hot young girl without children, and go make your own.

Now, some people might call me a hypocrite because I have a 12 year old son who has a stepfather that is great to him, and I'm glad, because I haven't been able to pull that off with other people's children. And I'm just being honest. I'm just not good with kids, and perhaps until I get a chance to be a biological father again, I just won't get it.

this is such an honest post. thanks for that.

not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and even fewer a good step parent.

find someone else and let this woman find a man who can/will love her and her child.

[coleflowers]

I am approaching this topic from a different perspective than you-When I first found out I was pregnant it was a week after I had broke things off with the baby's dad. I started dating someone else when I was two months pregnant, and he knew I was pregnant. As our relationship progressed and it was clear things were serious I told him that I was a packaged deal-he could not just have me, he would need to accept me AND my child. I was clear with him that I did not expect him to shoulder the financial responsibility of the child, but if he were to marry me at some point then he would contribute somewhat financially. He decided to fully accept me and the child and he thinks of the baby as his own and has raised the baby as his own child. It seems men always get a bad rap when it comes to baby issues, but there is a lot of responsibility on the mother to state her intentions clearly. With my sons biological father, he was not ready or willing to raise a child and I accepted that. It was my choice to have a baby (even if the pregnancy was unintentional). I think you need to ask her what she expects from you specifically. If she wants someone to be the father of her child and you do not want to be "dad" you need to move on. And, if you don't like the baby when it's only a year, it probably won't get any better when they reach 2 years and the tantrums get bigger and louder. I really think the worst thing you could do here is commit to being a parent when you don't want to. That is unfair to the child and could cause long lasting damage to the child.

[C33]

Coleflowers, I really like what you had to say.

I am surprised that so many people viewed not wanting to take care of another person's child as immature or as a demonstration of a lack of love for the parent.

Understandably the mother is looking for a father to her child, and is offering a package deal, however, how did she present this deal? Can she financially support herself and the baby or is she desperate to be taken care of, giving off a vibe of desperation that would scare any potential partner?

The fact that the kid is so young would be great for a potential dad to step in, but if one doesn't feel like being a parent, there is nothing wrong, as long as they don't pretend that they can handle the responsibilities of parenthood.If the girl has never discussed the subject of any future involvement in raising the child, then it might be time to voice out your fears.

It is understandable that, at 20, you want a life that is free from the responsibility of raising kids. Maybe you thought at first, that you could handle it, but now realize you can't. If this young woman is ready to have you in her life as a boyfriend but not a daddy, maybe this can work. However, it would be best for her to know how you feel about the situation.

[VetTechJess]

Originally Posted by MattUK

My gf has a kid who's 1 years old, and the kid is really misbehaved and she's bound by curfews and we're very limited to time to ourselves.

We are both 20 years old and i like her a lot but the kid is a big issue for me, i never want to be responsible legally for the kid either, is this something i need to worry about?

think of it this way--if you continue the relationship with her either way--have a frank discussion about having disciplining and spanking rights for the kid. I sense you are at a loss of what to do because you feel that since its not your kid that you may not have disciplining rights to the kid.

I think once you acquire those rights and use them, the kid will know whose boss and not try to misbehave as much.

shes only misbehaving because shes allowed to....nip this kids misbehaving in the bud right now!!

[sourceofmiracles]

Originally Posted by MattUK

My gf has a kid who's 1 years old, and the kid is really misbehaved and she's bound by curfews and we're very limited to time to ourselves.

We are both 20 years old and i like her a lot but the kid is a big issue for me, i never want to be responsible legally for the kid either, is this something i need to worry about?

Matt, if you could understand what a kid does to most people psychologically, you'd do one of two things: leave the relationship straight away or step up to the plate.

I have kids. Once the first one was born she took number one priority over everything.

Eventually, you two will come to a cross roads where she will want you to either step up to the plate (take some responsibility with her kid) or let the whole thing go.

In the end, I guess it depends on how much you love her. If you really care about her you'll respect that the most important thing in her life is her kid... you are probably not even second... yet.

just one mans oppinion. But if you understood what it means to have a kid, you would not even have to ask that question... you'd just know what was expected.

[Jill]

I split the spanking posts out to here.