I act improper... needy... weird

[sarahsarahsarah11]

Hi,

sometimes I act really improper, just really needy, nagging, and weird with people that I barely know. and I just get so insecure, and then I get really paranoid... how do I forgive myself for acting so weird and nagging and just sometimes I think I come off creepy?

- sarah

[ZHereford]

I hope you don't mind me asking but how old are you? You can give me a range if you're not comfortable in discussing it.

The reason I ask is because it sounds like you feel very self-conscious in certain situations and that usually comes with being youthful.

[sarahsarahsarah11]

I'm in my early 20s

[Shamou]

Hello sarah...

I believe that you problem stems from the fact that you try to impress people by trying to be someone that you are not...

You don't think that the real you is not big enough... not interesting enough... so, you take on this personae to compensate...

If you simply focus on being who you truly are... (which is certainly more than adequate) that problem will go away...

The very best of luck to you...

.

[Michelle]

It sounds like your inner child is looking for some love. Just tell little Sarah you love her no matter what and that you understand she just wants to be loved. Hug her, hold her and tell her everything will be okay because you are there for her - to protect her and love her.

[AdamUK]

Your not the only one who does things like that sarah. Many people are in a similar situation as you.

following on from shamou's good advice.

do you know who you truly are?

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by sarahsarahsarah11

I'm in my early 20s

Yes, you are still young.

Sometimes it takes a while to be comfortable with other people until you are really comfortable with yourself.

As AdamUK suggests perhaps you need to know yourself better.

Another thing you can do is practice or vizualize yourself in these types of situations. It's an excellent technique for acquiring the qualities or people skills that you need. It's especially difficult for shy people to be themselves in the company of people they don't know well. All of this takes time but if you're willing to do the work everything is possible.

All the best!

[medaille]

Here's my take, which is a little less analytical and a little more actionable.

For me, and I'm pretty sure this holds true fo most other people, social awareness is a skill. Meaning that your subconscious brain does it automatically if you have it trained to do it. I know that the times of my life when I'm engaging in people on a regular basis those types of problems go away. However, if I pull myself out of the social world and get really involved in work or personal projects so that I'm just not interacting much and certainly not with a variety of people, then my social interactions get weird. I start to say stupid stuff that doesn't make much sense socially. I'm less confident and sometimes creepy. It's pretty easy to see other people who aren't very social. When they talk to you, it's like they miss the point of the interaction, or they carry on a conversation thread way too long because they have trouble moving onto something new.

I think you need to make a goal of how you want to be and how you want to interact. Then like, ZHereford said, visualize yourself successful in those situations. Then go out into the real world and practice. Just talk to random people you encounter. If you can't encounter enough people (and you probably don't if you're like most shy people) then go looking for people. Hang out at bookstores, or in target, or walk through populated areas and force yourself to initiate short conversations with people. Whenever you come up with a problem that you encounter in a conversation, write it down and then when you're by yourself, write up a plan to avoid that in the future. So if you find that you have trouble getting past small talk, figure out some of the common small talk items you encounter, then create a plan to smoothly transition from those things to something that expresses a little bit about you and allows them to connect with you.

Just remember that being social is a skill and not a trait that you were born with. The more you practice it consciously (or even unconsciously) the better and mroe natural you get at it. If you are unhappy with your social skills, its not a problem with you or something you need to accept. It's just that you didn't practice it enough in the past, so you need to practice it more now to get those skills to where you'd like to be. You need to practice it until your brain does it automatically and you don't have to think about it consciously.

Also maybe it would help if while you are in a conversation, to stop focusing on what you are doing and being weird and focus more on the other person. What are they trying to get out of the conversation? What do they bring up (ie what they want to talk about)? Are they happy? sad? stressed? Also you can focus on what you want out of the conversations? Do you want to get to know them better? Do you want to be able to express who you are to them? Do you want to find common interests and ask them to join you? Do you want to share a beautiful moment with them outside of the hustle and bustle of society ("Do you ever realize that you get so caught up in the busy-ness of every day life and forget to savor how beautiful the world really is? Earlier today, I was walking down the street completely absorbed in all the stuff I had to today, when I felt this warm breeze blow on the back of my neck. As I paid attention to it, I kept feeling the warmth of the sun and the wind hugging me, soothing me, and relaxing me. The more I noticed it, the more it embraced me and the more my tensions melted away. It was like the best massage I've ever gotten.")

Accept that conversations are going to be weird for a little while until you practice enough to be good at it. Focus on what you want and not the weirdness.

[sarahsarahsarah11]

thank you everyone, especially medaille,

that helped a lot, and it really rang true for me - whenever I get too involved with work and stuff,then my conversations get really weird and often creepy,whenever I get too social, however, my work suffers... So then I stay away from being too social... So I think this is switching the topic a little, but how do I strike a balance?

[medaille]

Thanks for the kind words, they mean a lot to me.



how do you spend your time?

ie. how much time do you spend working, socializing, watching tv (or some other non-beneficial time waster), etc.

What kind of work do you do?

[sarahsarahsarah11]

I'm still in school, finishing up my undergrad. If I become social, I spend a considerable amount of time just being with people and hanging out with them in the library (they dont' really go to the library to study), when it gets into my head that I should be working, and it really clicks, them I become anti-social and just go into complete work mode and lose touch with everybody. I also get into my in-between phase a lot, which I'm in right now: I want to hang out with people, but I'm afraid of being left out, so instead I'm sitting at home avoiding my work, stressing, over-planning so that everything "goes smoothly," watching TV and sleeping. not much work or socializing is getting done, kind of a paralysis of indecision... *sigh*

[Scott]

Sarah, this is going to sound pretty trivial, but would you be able to form a study group around some of your classes? I bet that if you combined your studying and your socialization, things would become less awkward. Nobody is going to be paying attention to subtle communication nuances when they're cramming for an exam, which might (ironically) give you more confidence.

[medaille]

I want to hang out with people, but I'm afraid of being left out, so instead I'm sitting at home avoiding my work, stressing, over-planning so that everything "goes smoothly," watching TV and sleeping. not much work or socializing is getting done, kind of a paralysis of indecision... *sigh*

That happens to me a lot too. I'm a much better planner than a doer. And I often succumb to the paralysis

3 suggestions:

1) Like Scott said, merge studying and socialization.
2) Manage your time better. Block off enough time to do your work well and Block off some time for social stuff. Make sure you get both done adequately. You shouldn't have to sacrifice one for the other. Don't procrastinate. I would guess, you are more likely to procrastinate on the social stuff. Put more priority on making sure that gets done, and do your work when you don't have a chance to do social stuff. You can tell how much time you'll need to get your work done, so you won't short yourself there.
3) Make your social time more effective. Focus on getting more out of your interactions. When you say you are sitting at the library, even with friends, that seems like a time when you aren't likely to be conversing a lot, meaning you aren't practicing those skills. It sounds like you are going to the library to both be productive and be social but you aren't really either.