how to deal with negativity in others

[learningtogrow]

I don't have a hard time dealing with people I don't know very well that are negative. However, my husband is extremely negative. Along those lines, he's almost 10 years older than me and talks down to me a lot, although, I know he believes deep down I am very intelligent and capable. His words don't match his actions. He too is on a personal development path and ironically "forced" me into it several months ago b/c we realized some things needed to change.

However, I've read WAY more than him at this point and I know that if he was meant to learn something, he will, and it's not my job. I need to change my reaction to it. I take it all very personally. I have a hard time allowing him to be himself b/c I think somehow I'm creating this. I know this, but it's been a slow process. Are there any suggestions on how to deal with negative comments?

[InJoy]

There is a great exercise in "Ask And It Is Given" (Abraham-Hicks) that I have found really useful in this regard. It's called a book of positive aspects (BOPA).

Get a little notebook and write down your husband's name at the top of the page. Under that, write down all the things you like and love about him. Be sure to keep it POSITIVE. These are things you want to see MORE of. Avoid words like, "except" or "but", etc.

Focus your attention upon these things you've written, and when you interact with him, make a game of noting to yourself when he displays one of the attributes you've listed. Also, look for new things to note in your book.

If he displays something not on the list (some unwanted behavior) try ignoring it and switching your attention to something that is on the list.

It might help to remember that when he belittles you (or whatever it is he does) this is not a reflection of you, but of his state of mind and heart.

My experience with the BOPA is that the attributes that I record start showing up more in my experience with the person, and when they are grumpy or not fitting my list, I see less of them. It has taken me some practice, but the results have been quite extraordinary.

[John Wesley]

I think doing your best to understand that his negative comments are caused by his own fears and insecurities and not by your personal faults can take a lot of the sting away from insults.

[ZHereford]

While I agree with everyone else that your husband's behavior is more of a reflection on him than you, I'm sure you'd like him to stop.

You could either ignore him or tell him how you feel about his comments. Communication is always the best way to come to an agreement with someone about behavior you don't appreciate. Perhaps he doesn't know how much it bothers you.

When my husband and I first started going together he would make certain comments about me jokingly in the company of others which I didn't appreciate (his observations were true, I just preferred them to be private). I told him I didn't like it and wanted him to stop and to his credit he has never, ever done it since.
Give it a try.

[learningtogrow]

[QUOTE=ZHereford;73862]
You could either ignore him or tell him how you feel about his comments. Communication is always the best way to come to an agreement with someone about behavior you don't appreciate. Perhaps he doesn't know how much it bothers you.

Thanks so much for the input. Actually, he knows how I feel, but we both know that I can't expect to change him. I need to change how I react to him.

I think I was and do feel "bad" b/c I see it as a reflection of myself. If I don't respect myself, how can I expect others to? I realize that I have some self esteem issues which is great for me to realize. With that, I take a lot of things personally. I think sometimes I'm just hard on myself that I've been unable to rid these ideas/beliefs in my life by now and I've recognized the issues for awhile now. I suppose however that it took 37 years to create the negative beliefs in myself and it will take some time to undo those creations. It's sometimes frustrating b/c I know all I have is the present moment. I want to be able to roll with things, know that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, but fear of the uncertainty still gets me. I seem to have difficulty with just trusting the universe.