No Trust for Women

[Aikay]

Hello Everyone,

This problem is not really directly mine, but its just that the believe, “a friend’s burden is indirectly yours” is very much part of me.

I know someone will be wondering if I’m new here that made me present two cases almost the same day, truth came to existence recently; that this forum gives good idea on solving matters even though the one I wrote earlier hasn’t been stressed on, WHO IS THIS? She said (I felt like a cesspool of sh*t).
This friend has developed the sense vastly that women can never be trusted for a second. He has no close friend and never believe he can ever have any when it comes to marriage. According to him, he might end up not marrying. This was as a result of the things he pasted through when he was still a lad. He saw many of them, girls messing up within his end. He believes that women exist only for sexual relief for men not minding whom they are having the exercise with, whether the husband or...

I’ve tried as much as I can to convince him on the existence of meaningful life with women in later days for its almost time for him to settle down, but he seems not to have the view like that.

Do you ever think this guy will fall in love one day if this his nature is allowed?

Can he ever be a dad and live a life with a woman without an out-sketch of what we really think marriage is?

How do I go on helping him for a change to normal life?

Aikay

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Aikay

How do I go on helping him for a change to normal life?

Aikay

People only have a chance to change is they truly want to change... which does not seem to be the case for your friend... therefore I think that you are tackling a hopeless case...

Beside, who can say what is, "a normal life...???" People have remained single and lead a happy life just the same...

I think that your intentions are commendable... but misguided...

.

[Angela]

sounds like you've got a 3-way mirror going on! Are you missing trust in your own life, Aikay? Like, for instance, trusting your friend to work out his own issues? Why is his problem your problem?

[munish]

What do we mean by relationship? What is the relationship generally based on? Is it not based on so-called interdependence, mutual assistance?

At least, we say it is mutual help, mutual aid, and so on, but actually, apart from words, apart from the emotional screen which we throw up against each others, what is it based upon? On mutual gratification, is it not? If I do not please you, you get rid of me; if I please you, you accept me either as your wife or as your neighbor or as your friend. That is the fact.

[Aikay]

@Angela, Munich has answered your question. Have you ever been saved by someone you probably don’t even address as a friend? Have you ever think of being a hero to someone? Do you ever think you can make the highest meaning to someone? And do you think God can use you as a material?

@Shamou, are you saying that you have it not in mind to live a happy life with your spouse? Do you think you can make meanings at marriage level without a trust? Then why don’t it sound unusual to pose a life that will have you going without accepting that you’ll ever trust, by the way what is love without trust?


Everyone, please help out?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Aikay

@Angela, Munich has answered your question. Have you ever been saved by someone you probably don’t even address as a friend? Have you ever think of being a hero to someone? Do you ever think you can make the highest meaning to someone? And do you think God can use you as a material?

Aikay, Munish can't answer my questions to you, because I put them to you.

To answer your questions:

Have I ever been saved? no. Helped? yes.

Do I think of being a hero to someone? No, that's a fantasy. I do think of assisting people, or making a difference for them, but I know that I won't help or make a difference by taking their problems on as my own.

Do I think I can make the highest meaning to someone? I can make meaning in my own life, and I allow others the freedom to create their own meaning.

Do I think god can use me as material? No. I believe there is no god.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Aikay

@Shamou, are you saying that you have it not in mind to live a happy life with your spouse? Do you think you can make meanings at marriage level without a trust? Then why don’t it sound unusual to pose a life that will have you going without accepting that you’ll ever trust, by the way what is love without trust?

I was not talking about myself... but about your friend... he does not seem to want any help in that matter... so, if you try to shove it down his throat your will just make him more set in his ways...

.

[Brutha]

@Angela, Munich has answered your question. Have you ever been saved by someone you probably don’t even address as a friend? Have you ever think of being a hero to someone? Do you ever think you can make the highest meaning to someone?

Going on and destroying the present identity of someone isn't heroic.
He doesn't seem to have ask you to help him change, does he?

Making decisions about how someone else should think about the world is selfish. It is his decision to live the life he wants to live.

[Lychee]

The women who are connected to his negative experiences are not representative of women in general. There are women out there who are truly sincere and nothing like the women he may have come across.

If you haven't picked up already, your beliefs determine your reality. If he really believes that all women are conniving and duplicitous, most likely he will come across women who match this point of view. However, if he keeps an open mind and has faith that a good woman might come along, it just might. He can definitely find love if it is written for him.

I think you tried to advise your friend on being open to love and a meaningful life out of love and concern for your friend. However, he holds the right to maintain his view. Although it may be hurtful to see a loved one go through life not recognizing their potential, we must leave them on their own.

[tc33]

Originally Posted by Aikay

This problem is not really directly mine, but its just that the believe, “a friend’s burden is indirectly yours” is very much part of me.

Aikay, I can tell you are a well-intentioned, kind-hearted person. I used to have a very similar attitude towards others, but would almost always come away frustrated time and time again due to their unwillingness to change for the better. Over time, I learned that I can never force anyone to change, even if I believed that my recommendation was truly the solution to their problems. As this realization grabbed hold, my focus shifted from problem-solving to empathy and/or encouragement, resulting in an improved interpersonal communication experience.

The book that helped me solidify this approach was 'Codependent No More'. It can be shipped to you for only a few dollars, but the wisdom contained within the book is priceless.
Amazon.com: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Books: Melody Beattie

Best wishes

Tom

[rakinishu]

Trust, I didn't go in depth with this when i was faced with a decision "To trust or not to Trust", I just kept to the simple thinking that You can Trust people to be normal people. That they make mistake, they can lie and break your heart. It's less disapponting that way and doesn't put much too much pressure on the other to live up to your perfectionist expectations. They can be themselves. And of course you have the liberty to live the same way.

raki
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