Suddenly I'm over her

[Cochonette]

omg. After all this freaking out about losing a girl, not being able to stop crying or thinking about her...

suddenly I'm over it.

Do you know how stupid this feels?

Let me explain. I really was addicted to her. I just couldn't stop thinking about her. I noticed this past week that, a couple times when I'd think we were about to meet up, I was able to start feeling A LOT better. But after the first time, when it turned out we weren't about to, I suddenly went totally back to depressed mode. Yesterday she asked me to lunch Friday, and suddenly I felt so much better, immediately stopped worrying about it. I thought, "Man, I am THAT dependent on HER. So addicted."

Then. Right after I set up the lunch hang out, it was time for my friend to pick me up and take me shopping and then go out blues dancing. I must say I felt good the entire time! I felt like I was really going to start moving on and found I wasn't even thinking of her that much.

But I was still looking forward to lunch with her.

Well, ok. So I haven't been satisfied with other areas of my life lately either, at all. They have been stressing me the hell out. The intensity that I felt regarding things with HER brought an intensity that wasn't there to all the other stress I felt, and honestly, it destroyed all my motivation during that time and made me not feel like living. I had not told her this part explicitly, but I felt it so strongly yesterday during the day that I actually posted some status messages about it on FB that only she could see. I didn't know if she would read them, but at the time I kind of wanted her to. Then she messaged me, and they became irrelevant, and I deleted them. They weren't accusatory or anything like that, they were just about how I was feeling at that moment.

So I came home later in the night thinking, "I should get her another Xmas present before lunch because the one I got her wasn't great."

Then I ended up reading her blasted blog again. Can you imagine what it said?

"Well if you find yourself going off the deep end Don't you dare blame it on me"

And can you imagine how I felt after reading this? I felt angry. But not obsessive. I felt like, "I'm angry, but at the same time I don't care that much anymore." And yeah, I don't particularly miss her anymore now. Suddenly after we'd set up the lunch date, it was like all those thoughts of us being together that I had been missing so much, I just no longer felt moved by them.

You know, she was able to construe everything else as if there were something just wrong with me. And I could find it in me to believe her.

But wanting to kill yourself - no words on that need to be said. You already know something's "wrong" with you if you want to kill yourself - you already know you're going nuts. I'm not 13 - I'm not so immature as to blame her for my feeling that way, nor had I expressed anything suggesting that.

Now, I had sent her a message the night before telling her that talking to her on Tuesday night helped a lot and was just what I needed - she had been quiet sweet and apologized to me then. And I wasn't accusing her of anything - I went there to apologize to her myself. I told her in the e-mail how I missed her, how hard this was for me, how much it hurts because none of this had to happen if it weren't for me just being afraid. I told her I would love to read her this poem I had told her about, that I'd written on Monday, which is about all my social firsts during 2011 - which are a lot, and she was some big firsts for me. But I just sent it to her over YouTube in case she wanted distance.

And I figured that's why she was messaging me for lunch.

Now anyway, back to the message she wrote last night on her blog. Don't you find this very insensitive? It just sounds like she's still being defensive. Defensive about me wanting to kill myself, when I haven't tried to blame her for that. Is that all she has to say? In person, she'll probably say she's sorry I felt that way, but I know what she's really thinking... and I feel that her feelings on this are not profound enough for me. And this message is what I feel she cannot turn against me and blame me for being bothered by. I mean, she could, but I wouldn't care much because I feel pretty strongly. I feel that I really, really do not want to be involved with someone - especially someone I'm already no longer attached to - whose response to one of her best friends wanting to kill herself is primarily one of defensiveness. I mean, I understand where she's coming from and all, but I cannot bare my soul to such a person. I cannot be that comfortable, that intimate, with someone who I know has so little sympathy and understanding and will to understand where I'm coming from.

Because even though this was perhaps only the first time in 2011 that I thought about killing myself, I was suicidal for every day of three years of my life and on-and-off for years after that. Wanting to kill myself is nothing she could have invented for me.

And to make matters worse is the fact the she posted this PUBLICLY, on her blog, alongside a bunch of other messages that were obviously about ending things with me... so it was obviously about me. And a lot of the people reading it might know it was about me. I find that so rude.

So I finally had it and decided I couldn't wait till lunchtime on Friday to ask her to stop posting messages that were specifically about me on her blog and FB statuses (and I'd do the same). It really is a lot of airing of dirty laundry anyway. I know that me bringing up her blog always makes her pretty uncomfortable, so I wonder how that makes her feel about meeting up with me now.

I don't know what her motives were anyway. To console me some more? I know she is dead set on us not getting back together, so I am not even thinking of that.

I don't need to be consoled anymore. I am definitely not getting her another gift if it requires any thought at all.

I no longer want to read her that poem aloud. This is a VERY intimate and soul-baring and vulnerable poem. You can listen to it here on YouTube. Toward the end are things that involved her. "This year is the first time I had sex... This year is the first time I realized that my body is not a love liability... This year is the first time I fell asleep with a woman in my arms... This year is the first time since I was 14 that I've gone more than three months without ever really wanting to die."

It's really difficult for me to read this poem out loud when I feel that the other person can't appreciate it and will only, say, get defensive. I wanted to share it with her because I was coming from a sense of intimacy with her. If she didn't listen to it already, I know I'm going to be uncomfortable reading it to her.

Do I even WANT to have lunch with a person who I feel is insensitive toward me in my darkest moment? I certainly don't want to go back to cuddling and making out and having sex with such a person. I will probably have lunch with her, and try to leave no hard feelings, and try not to worry how insensitive she is, just try to enjoy it and try to avoid saying anything that might make her feel badly.

But then again, maybe it's ok if she feels uncomfortable toward me and maybe it's important that I bring all these points up and tell her I think she's been insensitive? I don't know. I don't know that it would accomplish anything besides make her uncomfortable. But I also know that I have a fear of making others uncomfortable and maybe I need to overcome it because it's been preventing me from being fully honest a lot of times.