Break-ups : How do YOU deal?

[Cochonette]

How do you deal with a break-up, particularly when you didn't want to - the other person did?

Do you shut the person totally out of your life to get over them? Do you try to remain friends, but see each other a lot less frequently? Do you try to still see them as just friends? Does it make it easier if you still spent a frequent (thought not as frequent) amount of time with them as friends?

I am trying to figure out how to make this easier. I really hate the idea of not having her in my life. I feel like it would make it easier to spend time with her and get used to having her just as a friend. But I never hear this given as advice... I only hear "do whatever you need to do to forget about her." Part of the problem is that she obviously isn't TRYING to hang out with me anymore, even as a friend, although she told me that she's there any time I need to talk. So I'm not sure how comfortable she is with me trying to spend time with her. Or how frequently I would try.

[ainsleigh]

Hey I'm really sorry to hear about it. Breakups can be so tough!

I went through a pretty painful break up last year. It was the other person that did the deed. We had been living together for nearly four years so I felt absolutely devastated and lost when it happened. I didn't want it to end at that time.

I don't think you can avoid allowing yourself to go through the natural feelings and emotions of parting ways. I let myself cry. I wrote in my journal a lot. I spoke to my closest friends regularly for support. I was really emotional for a couple of months or so.

I allowed myself some distance between that person and myself even though I wanted nothing more than to run back to him. When he tried to contact me I let him know why I needed some space before I could speak. I still loved him but obviously, this was about me. I knew that if my emotions and thoughts were continually entangled with him, I wouldn't be able to see things clearly. I knew that after all the time I had given him I deserved some quiet time for myself.

I made space in my life to be able to spend time reflecting, thinking and reading. I bought a stack of books from the second hand bookstore and kept reading. I think keeping myself immersed in positive information and spiritual awareness allowed me to move on much quicker.

Eventually I was able to cleanse myself of those emotions tied up with my ex. One day I knew I had moved on and had fully let go. I was able to get back in touch with him and we had a wonderful conversation over skype. I sent him an email thanking him for everything I had learnt from him. I wished him the best. Instead of feeling sad it had ended I started to be grateful the relationship happened because of how much of I had grown as a person while we were together. It was only from this place that I chose to contact him. I don't think I would have done it before I moved on. I think it would have made it more difficult as it was only something I could do.

My ex and I are both in new relationships and have moved on. I feel at peace with the relationship I had with my ex and can see the grander reason it happened. We're not in touch that often, but we can talk when we choose to without it being weird or awkward.

I also realised that us breaking up was a positive thing (it took be a while to see this) because we both had outgrown the relationship. He had seen this, and had the courage to end it, whereas I was still not able to see this at the time because I was too emotionally tied to him.

Hope your able to find peace in time with yourself,

ainsleigh

[butterflyeffect]

Ouch. I'm sorry. Break ups like that hurt. Whenever its happened to me, I have tried to make contact and be friends and its never really been taken to well. They seem at pains to please me but also I feel bad, needy and kinda pathetic. For me, its never worked out well trying to reconnect when Im still hurting.

I find doing alot of crying really helpful. Avoiding their FB pages and just getting upset and talking about it. Experiencing it and greiving.

xx

[Goldhart23]

I agree with Ainsleigh: get time to yourself to reflect; write in a journal; read. For me, what helped was surrounding myself with great friends and positive influences, and giving time back to my hobby, which I let slip a bit while in the relationship. So, get busy with your favorite activities..and perhaps find fun events to attend in your community; take some enrichment classes. It's all good!
As time passes, you realize why the relationship had to end...in order for a new door to open and an even better relationship to begin. It's still possible to remain friends with an ex, but it is better to get some distance first, to get over the emotional attachment. I'm still friends with many of my exes, but I did take time away from them first. You probably should too.

Wishing you all the best,
*Barb*

[veragarcia]

It is better to go for someone who loves you, rather than someone who you love.

[Cochonette]

Thanks, all, for sharing your wisdom.

Originally Posted by Goldhart23

I agree with Ainsleigh: get time to yourself to reflect; write in a journal; read. For me, what helped was surrounding myself with great friends and positive influences, and giving time back to my hobby, which I let slip a bit while in the relationship. So, get busy with your favorite activities..and perhaps find fun events to attend in your community; take some enrichment classes. It's all good!
As time passes, you realize why the relationship had to end...in order for a new door to open and an even better relationship to begin. It's still possible to remain friends with an ex, but it is better to get some distance first, to get over the emotional attachment. I'm still friends with many of my exes, but I did take time away from them first. You probably should too.

Wishing you all the best,
*Barb*

I'm glad to hear you are still friends with many exes. I think you are right. The only thing I really can do is have some distance. I really don't think she wants to spend time with me right now anyway.

I am realizing what a bad idea it is to invest in someone like her anyway. When your profoundest pleas keep falling on deaf ears with everyone you break up with, you are not investing in the right people.

[lighthouse]

I would not advise you to keep in touch. There are several reasons..you have always seen that person with another view point now as a friend its not possible. In any relation if a knot comes it will be never the same again. better move on. Try to keep yourself busy and I really liked the words of Ainsleigh that she was greatful. wonderul by you that I call love. Even I had my breakup after 12 yrs in relation, but I am moved on in four months with spiritual and friends' help. I advise you the same. Still I cry sometimes but we are not in touch anymore. About FB and all I delted my a/c and then i blocked the person who blocked me from her life.. move on dear

[anoldsmoothie]

You let them go.

When you stop and think about it, what right do you have to not let them go?

They got this switch that can be turned-off for the darnest reasons. The only way the switch gets turned back on is if you let them go. Trying to get to the real reason why the switch is off can be injurious to your health. All you'll get is "I need my space."

You'll know if the switch has been turned back on when the brilliance returns to her countenance.

[Cochonette]

Well, apparently we're still hanging out as friends, though. We hung out for several hours today. It was fine. I got over her basically already as of last night. There's still the desire for more from her when we're hanging out, but it'll be ok. I'm not sure I'd really feel any better / get over her quicker than this if we weren't hanging out. It does bring things back a little when I hang out with her, but it also reinforces the "we're just friends" vibe.