Dilemma

[lighthouse]

My gf and I broke up in last September after 12 years. We never fought with each other or nothing bad memories between us. It was always joyful and happy relationship. Once she was worried about her job and I joked “you are crying as we broke up” just to cheer her up and her reply was “try to say something which can be possible too”. To be far from each other was never an option. Big thing is…. She came in my life, as a friend also she approached, than for love also she proposed for two years, but as I was more carrier oriented guy, I denied. After two years watching her dedication and patience towards me, I said yes after two years. And in the end she left. I will just share some incidents.
We gave full space and freedom to each other. Last year I came to know she slept with some other one when I was not in her life but she never said me that. When I came to know I was like shell-shocked as I never expected. In the starting days of the relationship also I said her “After marriage, tell me if you are not satisfied me on bed and want to have some other person, I will allow. Tell me before or after you do that but do let me know please.” I just said her to feel her comfortable and yes, I am like that. But she never said and when I found all that I asked, she accepted and I almost get heart attack (as doctor said). I asked her to forget all that and asked her not to do the same ever again. What she did before I entered in her life was out of my control but after I was there in her life and still she was enjoying such was painful to me. I do not say she should not, I was not her boss but I trusted her that whatever will be she will share with me. She also knew that my bf will accept everything. She was also the same I am very proud and happy that she was there all these years. I am very very grateful to what she gave to me. Our entire relation was like on soul level, we are both still virgins. All we wanted was the presence of each other. We were like happiest couple as I said we never fought.
The end was also happy but left some doubt in my head. She asked her parents about marriage and without talking to me and watching my face or anything they simply denied. The reason “society”. The biggest thorn I have is she didn’t even try a full day. She accepted what her dad said. I know it was/is also same hard for her as for me but why she behaved such. I asked her so many times tell me the perfect reason why you didn’t tried to convince and seriously all morale of her dad stories was “society”. Her dad also asked her to break all contacts with me and she did the same. Right now we are not in touch of each other. She broke contacts as her dad asked, and even I am not trying to get her back as for me It’s important to think whom I want but most important is... does she really want me? And from her last mail it was very clear that she wanted to get rid of me. Asked me not to bug her and my ethics are not allowing me to call or text her as I know that will effect on her badly which I didn’t want. After breakup also she told my sis that she done fast for me, I know she is not kind of show off girl she was keeping all fast for me for whole 12 years. I am really unable to understand how she was as her behavior is totally in two directions. One way she says get rid of me don’t be in touch with me plus she also knows how much emotional I am and how much I would be suffering. When I was unable to talk with her the whole day she use to call my mum and ask “is he alright na?” The girl who was so caring didn’t care in last at all. I accepted her decision, I asked her if she wanted to fly but she denied on my face. The girl who was after me for two years that I say her yes, she didn’t keep the same passionate nature for me with her father. The other way she is telling my sis she done fast. My sister says she was playing with me and using me emotionally and some friends’ say you should not left her this easily. Sometimes I accept I should not have but as I said in last I didn’t see that she wanted me. What I wanted was always a low priority for me first was always hers and she said “you supported me in my each and every decision so I am asking for the last support please leave me”. I cannot say she played me but I am still unable to understand why she could not resist a day for that person to whom she tried to convince him two years”

[nistacular]

you have my sympathy... that sucks! Well I can certainly relate to such nonreciprocating feelings (mainly throughout high school for me). My best advice is to try not to dwell on it any longer. If you feel like she owes you anything, try to decide exactly what that would be (apology, or explanation, or anything). Then, talk to her just once more, about that. If not, then try to move on. Hope things get better.

[lighthouse]

Originally Posted by nistacular

you have my sympathy... that sucks! Well I can certainly relate to such nonreciprocating feelings (mainly throughout high school for me). My best advice is to try not to dwell on it any longer. If you feel like she owes you anything, try to decide exactly what that would be (apology, or explanation, or anything). Then, talk to her just once more, about that. If not, then try to move on. Hope things get better.

Thank you! I am already moved on brother. After her request we said good bye in good manner and said "God bless you" to each other with calm and departed. I am happy for this kind of send off. As a lover I must have given her nice goodbye and I did and thankfully she did too. My confusion is her state of mind. why suddenly like this after all these years and her contradictory statements as I mentioned why why why. I know it's all push-ups from my mind but I know it will take time

[RonSouther]

confused by this statement....I feel like I'm missing something....

She also knew that my bf will accept everything.

[RonSouther]

The flags I see are that you never fought and that she's gone.

I think the only two people in the world that would never fight are enlightened beings. The rest of us do regardless of the depth of love.

And that she's gone to me screams that something was missing where she didn't depend on you emotionally enough to cling (which would create the fights not to mention the gender differences are a constant source of misunderstanding) and didn't love you enough to stay and figure it all out.

And none of this is under anyone's control. By nature, to me something is missing and it wasn't a strong enough match to turn into a journey to self through a journey of love.

This is my guess. A deep harmony and the love that follows it to me is the only real "marriage" in life. All one can do is let go and what is real remains and what was false vanishes.