I'm restarting this topic from its beginnings in the INTJ thread because it's not so relevant there.
One thing that's really bothering me lately is that I do kind of long for another to know every fiber of my existence. And also to have an immortal pillar of support in my life. I want to be able to say or do anything to somebody and not be rejected by them. I want someone who really will be there through thick and thin.
What I'm seeing at the moment is that there is no one like this in my life. I know I am asking a lot and if you were to ask me if I would reciprocate these things I'd probably say 'no'. But this just seems to leave a world full of individuals who will not go beyond their self-interest when it comes down to it. Such a world feels lacking to me in some way.
In this context, I admire something like a suicide pact where two people give themselves completely to the other in the ultimate way. Perhaps not the best example but it gets at the magnitude of what I'm talking about.
So in other words you seek a love.. and romance so deep....
that if you could not be together.. you would rather write a majestic poem and love letters...
to leave behind.... right before you both... strike a dagger through you own heart....
as blood pours all over the place... as powerful classical music plays???
Yes that does sound awesome and dramtic..
I have written some poetry like that....
I can see like you said that would be the ultimate devotion...
There is something beautiful, noble, some integrity about such a commitment. It's saying I'm going to die for something. Even though there is no knowledge of any benefit of it. Just a life that meant something original. That I had invented, decided, determined. Like saying: right, this is what I'm doing, and doing it.
But I'm not thinking death is necessarily essential to waht I'm after. I hope not anyway because I want to live. It bothers me that people will just reject me. They've no staying power, no depth. I say, take all my crap but still be there. Would I do this for another? Currently I'm not prepared to do it for aanyone I know in my life.
Mondrian, my dear friend, I must say that I am quite unclear as to if you are desiring to experience "true love" or to simply live your life for a purpose bigger than your ownself, but I do see within you a contradiction.
You can desire to be loved by anyone for as long as you want, but until you decide (Everything is only ever a choice) to love someone as freely as you seem to indicate an interest in being loved yourself, the universe will never allow for such an occurrence to manifest itself fully. Sure, you may meet someone, even very soon, and it may be magical, and you may honestly and sincerely think that you have received the prize that was promised by all of those fairy tales that have drugged us, and to take it a step further even, you may actually meet and fall deeply and madly in love with (what is referred to by some) "The One", but it will end abruptly and at a most unpleasant time, in a terrible manner, and it will tear you apart within your soul...
You see, everything must remain balanced, for ever action there is an equal and opposite reaction so to speak. If you desire true undying love, you yourself may get it, but if such a thing is not reciprocated, it is not love, for love can only exist between two people, when both people choose to love. Otherwise "love" becomes something misinterpreted by those who have chosen against such a concept, and called "Infatuation". Infatuation is annoying, to have someone crazy about you, though you do not share the same emotional feelings of "love". If the infatuation (As it is viewed by those who do not love) is enticed by one who has discovered that the "magic" contained in the early stages of said relationship, was nothing more than an inner excitement at the idea of said partner, rather than an inner excitement of that person existing. Love always goes both ways, if it is to be the "love" that you seem to be trying to describe as your desire that seems to trouble you enough to decide to post on this forum about it, then you must first, IMHO (and I emphasize the "O"... I.E. Take it or leave it, but do not follow blindly, or pretend that what is in front of you is of little to no importance) make a simple choice to be as open, vulnerable, and gentle as the "love" you seek would be, were you to have things your way that is.
I do not know why I came to this post in particular. Perhaps it is because I have met my "Soul Mate" and after much waiting we are now inseparable and the "Real Intimacy" that we share is so far "Out of This World" that it can only be described as "A feeling of joy and peace that is so intense that it is somehow deeply troubling at the very same time". And that feeling of being "deeply troubled" is nothing but a simple fear of anything in this universe succeeding in separating the two of us, indefinitely.
I do not know you, but I do feel that you will not meet this person that you speak of, but rather that you already have met them, and in fact, your reading of this calls to mind, right now even, someone that you are fearful of allowing for yourself to open up to and love. You have, in essence, "seen" what the future holds for the two of you, and you are terrified by the seeming "perfection" of such an idea, or a dream if you will... You are not terrified that it will never happened (unlike I was) but rather, that if you allow for it to happen, you will have to face your true fear that (if you think about it and consult with yourself about this statement) somehow seems to be the root of nearly every disappointment that you are/have/or ever will experience in this life...And that is a fear of your own happiness. You fear that if you allow for yourself to accept the "Gifts of God" that you will stray into some sort of abuse of said "gift".
I must admit friend, it is a noble concept, to think of oneself as so untrustworthy that you would rather suffer disappointment rather than to ever be the cause of such a feeling of despair to another. I would say normally, were I not as "tuned in" to you right now, that you need to go meditate or pray or whatever, and discover who you are, and encourage you to "Know Thyself", but, as I've said, I'm in tune with you quite alarmingly so right now, and I do not know why, but I'm going with it for now friend. :) No, I need not to say such things to you, for you do indeed "Know Thyself", what you are dealing with is a refusal to accept the "Light-Side Of The Force" that is yourself, because you have, over time, somehow become so focused upon your negative attributes that you, unconsciously even at times, for lack of better words, "Shoot yourself in the foot".
You're afraid to succeed. You are not hopeless. You're hopeful that none of what you hope for to ever become a reality.
But, it'll all come out in the wash I suppose. :)
Have a nice day!
Thank you, TuningIn, for such sustained explication.
I'm not sure I recognise the interpretation of my predicament that you paint, however.
Nevertheless, I have to some extent absorbed your message which is now part of my un/consciousness going forward, so we will see.
The Door Test
A Bronx Tale: Door Test - YouTube
My trifecta in "heart mates" with one of the great ones happened at ages 14, 22 and, get this, 62.
The last one was somewhere between Janis Joplin and Sojourner Truth. It took us quite a while after we started our monogamous sig-oth relationship to admit that we both were feeling a kind of electricity when in each other's presence. I still am hesitant to talk about it. Maybe it was a static electricity or magnetic field, but we both could sense it. It was both beautiful and scary.
Maybe it was raw infatuation. Maybe lust. Maybe a gift. I know one thing, it affected my heart, not my soul.
Well, all the electricity in the world couldn't stop her from developing those The Rolling Stones : Far Away Eyes (1978) - YouTube.
She left for Texas with her MacBook under arm, my America Sister Golden Hair - YouTube surprise and the words "If I love you once, I will always love you."
I don't feel the electricity anymore. TX is too far away. She was one of the great ones.
A golden retriever would be good.
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