Intj

[Ink]

Portrait of an INTJ

According to the myers-briggs test I'm an INTJ. It's the one that fits me perfectly so I wasn't really surprised when I took the test. Any other INTJs here? As an INTJ I pretty much only ever feel comfortable socially in small groups of people (with other NTs, if I am understanding this model correctly) and during my 17 years of living I've mostly avoided big social gatherings, and when I'm at one I tend to stay "in the shadows", perhaps finding some interesting people and have conversations with (not just serious conversations, I'm not necessarily a bore to hang out with haha).

Now to the reason I created the thread, I just came home from a big social gathering of 30+ people (distant relatives) and I believe most people there ended up thinking I was arrogant. Is there some social skills I need to work on? What specifically? When sitting around a table with lots of people chatting about something I find meaningless/stupid/can't relate to I don't really know how to take part in it.

[nistacular]

Oh god, group small talk is the bane of my existence.... I've tried and tried but I haven't yet found a way to enjoy it.... basically you have to realize the conversation is driven just based on respect for the other people instead of actually wanting to communicate information/have fun. So yeah, IMO if you're comfortable with yourself, in most cases I agree it's pointless....

BUT it's a useful life skill too. I eventually learned how to talk more comfortably because I was so tired of being out of the loop, and trapped in a corner with no one in big social situations - basically I realized that yes - people actually judge you on your willingness to participate in something so pointless. Don't be afraid of it - it's better to say something, even if you actually do sound arrogant (which you probably wouldn't) than say nothing at all. Just talk about yourself if nothing else - they're making an effort to get to know people there. If you can't relate, let them know in a socially acceptable way (yeah I know harder said than done). I'm an INFP I think

[Ink]

Well, I've noticed once I really let go and start talking freely I usually dominate the conversation, sort of. And in small groups that's fine, but in big groups I feel too out of sync with the rest. It does feel others don't have the same depth of thinking as me and I'm not saying that's necessarily because I'm more intelligent as a person, but perhaps you need to get in a more stupid state while socializing? I don't know...

[nistacular]

No haha I think you're just smarter than the average person... also it took me a while to realize this, but people when they talk, aren't often trying to convey information for how it is literally, but simply how they feel about it, even if it sounds like they are being literal. This often results in them not being careful about the details of their speech (they aren't focusing on that) or they're too caught up in their ego, trying speak in a way that others will understand. Feel free to get offended when someone speaks to you as if you're 8 years old, seriously - but don't sacrifice your intelligence, it's a part of who you are.

[Mondrian]

Hello

I was wanting to discuss this sort of thing too. I have come out the MB as an INTP, by the way.

I agree with some of what's been said. I tend to find the conversation in such situations pretty difficult. To me, it's like there's a kind of social game being played. Perhaps few believe that what is being said and acted out is that 'genuine' but because everyone seems to be doing it, then each of us believes that the other people believe it is 'genuine' and so we have little choice but to conform.

There is the introvert v. extrovert difference as well. Perhaps the extrovert type is quite happy playing the social game and wants to play it, even is able to be more genuine within it, while the introvert not only isn't very good at playing it, but thinks it is a bad game also.

Personally, I'm becoming more and more reluctant to enagage in such social games. Even in one-to-one relationships with those who are closest I am not able to be genuine. I fear I would be rejected. Even on this forum I will not be genuine although moreso than in 'real' life and that is largely why I am here.

I feel I am rejected for who I am to some extent and so to survive in some genuine way I have started to reject those social situations that always seem to conform to the game of making out things are a certain way.

In terms of advice, it is hard to give because I don't know what you are trying to achieve, I have little success myself, and we are all coming from and going to somewhere slightly or greatly different from each other in our life experiences. But if someone were to try and advise me to learn to play the game, at the moment I'd want to tell them where to go.

That said, I'm quite happy to play the game of superficial relationships in superficial situations e.g. business transactions. What bothers me is when the people involved are meant to be important to me personally and I still have to play this BS game.

[Ink]

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I am finding this stuff really interesting to read, hard to comprehend that others actually perceive the world in such a different way. Also, I don't think whether you're an introvert or extravert plays such a big role in this, more the sensing/intuition side? Or I'm just reading too much into this...

[nistacular]

that's an excellent point... I think it's all a game because obviously people aren't going to get to know you in the first 5 mins of a convo. So it's because they don't know who you are that it becomes a game.... Thing is, in most human relationships, the end goal isn't always to get to learn each other, and build something out of it... I just wish people took more time to build personal connections than fake on the surface-type relationships.

We introverts gotta stick together

[Weaver]

Originally Posted by Ink

Portrait of an INTJ

According to the myers-briggs test I'm an INTJ. It's the one that fits me perfectly so I wasn't really surprised when I took the test. Any other INTJs here? As an INTJ I pretty much only ever feel comfortable socially in small groups of people (with other NTs, if I am understanding this model correctly) and during my 17 years of living I've mostly avoided big social gatherings, and when I'm at one I tend to stay "in the shadows", perhaps finding some interesting people and have conversations with (not just serious conversations, I'm not necessarily a bore to hang out with haha).

Now to the reason I created the thread, I just came home from a big social gathering of 30+ people (distant relatives) and I believe most people there ended up thinking I was arrogant. Is there some social skills I need to work on? What specifically? When sitting around a table with lots of people chatting about something I find meaningless/stupid/can't relate to I don't really know how to take part in it.

Hello ink,

I am mostly an INTJ myself and i can certainly understand the not wanting to be around lots of people thing, especially for long periods of time.

Well on to your questions... you do not need to work on social skills if you do not wish to. i am no master conversationalist and i am perfectly happy with that. i am fully comfortable with just sitting in a corner, looking, listening and learning from the people around me (INTJ's often have an interest in psychology and large social gatherings are perfect for learning all about it) this is the only reason why i will ever go to social events, that and for the food lol. if people speak to me, i will be polite and answer questions but if i do not feel like questioning back, i simply don't.

So anyway, i say just be yourself while at the same time being respectful to others and you will have no problems. it works for me at least.

[Ilique]

I test out as an INTJ too, although I would have guessed I was an INTP. I scored low on the "J", so not too far from Perceiving.

I've learned to handle being in large groups, and actually chose to be an instructor as I gained more confidence in my ability to be in group situations. It really helps when you have topics you excel in - not just know something about, but can be considered an "expert" by most. This makes you interesting, stimulating - and someone that others come to for advice. It's easy to make small talk when you've got the knowledge and those you talk to don't .. *L*

And I also learned how to just observe people. I can be in a large group and sit peacefully alone, watching how people interact. You see things in people that you don't tend to notice when you're talking with them. I smile at things that happen, and it's easy to keep a pleasant (i.e. not arrogant or unhappy) look on my face when I'm people-watching, because people are just so darn amusing.

It takes time to develop traits that allow you to be comfortable and confident in a social setting, when you're naturally an introvert. But it's worth it. I didn't want to limit my life by always avoiding social contact. So I pushed my way through all the awkwardness, all the angst, all the "oh my God I don't fit in!" thoughts, and found that there's really no one better than I am. I'm not saying they're WORSE than me, just not better.

Melanie

[Rye]

Hey everyone! Im an INFJ but can relate to a lot of what is said here. I prefer being around smaller groups and tend to handle it better. As for larger groups I guess its hit and miss, sometimes i feel comfortable and other times I question myself why the hell did I show up to this group event! Anyways a while back I found this website PersonalityCafe
The website is all about the different personality types from Myers Briggs. Scroll halfway down the page and youll see each personality has its own forum for discussion.

[NursingGirl]

Being a female INTJ, I have always been confused about the need for girlfriends to go to the bathroom in pairs. My boyfriend said a girl is "trying to bond with me" if she asks me to go to the bathroom with her. That is honestly the first time I have even began to understand this seemingly ridiculous practice. It also drives me NUTS when women get in cliquey groups and discuss other people- especially other women. Gosh it is so mean! I am sure I appear arrogant and distant at times like that and would much rather stand off to the side BY MYSELF than to listen or engage in that garbage.

I'm not sure if that entire paragraph had anything to do with being an INTJ and I'm not sure that entire paragraph had much to do with women in general but I think that INTJ's are more rare among women and I promise you that I just don't understand women much on a social basis. Now men I seem to understand better and I think that has to do with personality typing more than the actual sex of a person. Men tend to be T's and women tend to be F's. Women see to be more extroverted than men also but I don't know if that is really true.

???

[Ink]

Originally Posted by NursingGirl

Men tend to be T's and women tend to be F's. Women see to be more extroverted than men also but I don't know if that is really true.

???

That is true. I don't think one should make any of these personality types part of your identity though, it might limit your growth in some ways.