I'm gay

[spiritdanbi]

Hi, everyone, i'm new on here. I have a predicament situation i'm in. I have always been gay but i had relationships with both sexes, stayed with a man for over 12 yrs and had three sons by him. In the yr 2000, i met a Chinese woman, five yrs younger than myself and i fell hopelessly in love with her. I left the man because our relationship was going nowhere and he was seeing other people behind my back before i got involved with this woman, he was seeing men and i didn't know that until much later, even though i had my instincts. I took the kids with me and took a life of being single again, it was hard going at first but my woman stood by me for another three yrs, the last six months she came to live with us. Then i found out that she was leaving the UK to study for her PhD post doctoral in philosophy in Singapore. She left in February 2003 and i was devastated to say the least. Anyway i came over there for a holiday in April, so it wasn't gonna be long before i saw her again. When i came back home, life went back to normal but i was missing her like crazy. By September, i gave her a call, she told me then our relationship was over as she loved Buddhism and Buddha more than me, it was about six days before our third yr anniversary since we met each other. I broke down and cried for days, weeks, months and years. She told me she still wanted me as well as being a friend, it didn't make any sense at all. So i've been on my own for 8 yrs after 2003 then i thought before the end of this yr i wanted to be with someone, find a friend and see where it goes. Well, not long to wait and i'd found someone, 8 yrs older than myself, i like her a lot and she likes me only as a friend. This woman has the same birth sign as myself and just a day apart, we get on well with each other. She says if she changes her mind, she'll let me know, if she likes someone but we've been kissing, hugging and had sex only once, she's not that keen on sex but i'm really sex mad, after i haven't had sex for 8 yrs, i've missed it. She knows how i really feel about her, i'll have to wait and see, i suppose as i don't wanna be left on a shelf as no one else wants me as i've placed myself on many of these sites. All i want is a good hearted woman to share the love, hugs and kisses, for a lifetime. Is it too much to ask... please help, what should i do?

[wstein]

First, ‘dating’ both genders is called being ‘bisexual’. You are only ‘gay’ if you are exclusive to your own gender. You did not say much about your husband, perhaps you were in the closet because you bought in to the cultural norm of one-man-one-woman. It would be good to clarify your feelings and not just exclude men because you are hooked on a woman at the moment.

As to your current situation, pining for someone you can’t have sucks. Like most people say, you got to get out of the house and meet new people. At first just focus on meeting them. Eventually you will start noticing other people you like and eventually your attachment to ‘her’ will fade and allow you to consider dating others. You will always have those fond memories, but for now it’s time to grieve over your loss.

[FelineNostalgia]

Well I'd personally work on detaching myself from her and focus on that good hearted women out there somewhere, she's worth putting yourself on the shelf for. Also this is a sexy site to be on :P

[Chris_1977]

Maybe you will find the good hearted women to share love for a lifetime and maybe you will not. There exists no guarantee finding a life partner. On the other hand, if you do the right things to find this person, there is a good chance that you will. Is searching on these sites the only thing you do to find a partner? Internet dating culture can be quite harsh and there is more than one way to find a partner. I think it is best to combine the various ways. I am sure that if you brainstorm a bit, you can come up with more ways to potentially find your life partner.

What makes me a bit concerned about your post is that because you were hurt in the past, you seem to want some kind of guarantee from a potential partner that they are not going to leave you. And such a guarantee just cannot be given. People just don't know how they will feel in the future and you do not know this either. It hurts when somebody leaves you and it is reasonable to feel hurt for some time and you need to give yourself time to get over it. On the other hand, there should be some limit to the time you spend grieving. If you have a relationship of three years, I would say, give yourself a year to get over it. If you cannot get over it in that time you may need to see a therapist about it. Requiring some kind of guarantee that a person is not going to leave you, will damage your relationship, in particular, it will be bad for your sex life. On the other hand, there are persons who just have a low libido and if you have a high libido, a relationship with a person with a low libido will be difficult for you. A person should not have too many deal breakers but being sexually compatible is one of the things that is really very important and this not being the case should be considered a deal breaker. Sometimes two persons really like each other in many ways, but sexually it just does not work and then they cannot have a relationship with each other.