Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

Rotluchs · 12-12-2011, 03:09 PM

So I'm more here for some honest input from experienced people than anything else... Here's the situation:

I'm a 37 year old recently divorced man. Almost immediately after my ex-wife moved out I met and began sleeping with this woman. She has a boyfriend she has told me she is not ready to give up on... However once or twice a week she shows up for some very intense late nite interaction, then leaves.

Being newly single I should be loving every casual second of this. However I'm not really wired in the brain for "fire and forget" missions and find myself becoming attached to her. We have a lot in common and she really is amazing. I don't really see any signs of her leaving her boyfriend, though there must be something wrong in the relationship or she wouldn't be over here...

I haven't really brought any of this up to her because I don't want to pressure her to choose just yet. My choices in this matter are simple...

What I know I should be doing.... Which is taking this like a man, having a good time, and just enjoying it for what it is, or

Try and get her to leave her boyfriend which would have her either do it and walk into a relationship with me, which I may not be ready for, or have her quit using me as her shiny new sex toy, also bad...

The trouble really exists with me in that I really enjoy the way she makes me feel attractive, strong and useful... Something many of you will agree former wives excel at NOT doing...

So I was hoping some of you could pass on some coping strategies to help me keep my head in the game and just be a sex toy for her and stop the pining for more to meet my damaged emotional needs.... I'm good with male and female opinions here. Thanks!!!!

Angela · 12-12-2011, 03:24 PM

What do you want right now in the context of relationship? What are you ready for right now?

Rotluchs · 12-12-2011, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

What do you want right now in the context of relationship? What are you ready for right now?

That's the real trick question, isn't it.... And the answer is im not sure if I know... More than these casual eNcounters but less than a soul-sucking relationship???

VinceG · 12-12-2011, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rotluchs

That's the real trick question, isn't it.... And the answer is im not sure if I know... More than these casual e

You may want more, but are you really ready for more?

Angela · 12-12-2011, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rotluchs

That's the real trick question, isn't it.... And the answer is im not sure if I know... More than these casual eNcounters but less than a soul-sucking relationship???

It's not a trick question, it's a question that I find is they key to getting the results people want.

My experience is that we tend to get more of what we focus on, and we don't know what we want to focus on, then we'll tend to get more WTF?

For me, one great way to focus on what I want and to know what it is, is to do some genuine inquiry into my most deeply held unconscious values in the context of what I'm looking at. In the context of Relationships, what's most important to you? What else? What else?

For me, right now, it is:

Joy
Connection
Love
Courtesy
Family
Laughter
Power

I find that when I take a bold look at my values -- and also noticing what's NOT on the list, it gives me a lot of clarity on what I'm doing that might be having me really experiencing those values, or not.

What's most important to you?

wolfgang · 12-12-2011, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rotluchs

The trouble really exists with me in that I really enjoy the way she makes me feel attractive, strong and useful... Something many of you will agree former wives excel at NOT doing...

If it is so very true that she makes you feel attractive, strong and useful, then there would be no problem for you. So maybe you are in denying how all of this is making you feel for real.

RonSouther · 12-13-2011, 12:44 AM

Don't ask her to choose because if she chooses you, that doesn't make her your property and not the other guy's.

Actually, leave her out of it. Simply adhere to your limits. If you can't handle sharing then don't share. Let her know that you can't do it anymore if that is truly where you are at, but don't tell her that she has to choose.

You be you and let her face the natural consequences of this situation. Let her sort it out on her own what is right for her, whether to stay with him or with you.

No judgment....just take care of yourself and if the love is there, she will be possessed by it and come to you. If not, then smile that you had some fun but time to move on.

votoshka · 12-13-2011, 12:56 AM

To be honest, unless she's in an open relationship with her boyfriend, I think you need to end this "relationship". She sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too... and I don't think that's a healthy thing for anyone involved.

I agree you shouldn't have to say "it's him or me"...but I think you need to back away from this relationship that is only going to hurt someone, and is at the moment going nowhere.

RonSouther · 12-13-2011, 01:03 AM

This situation is proof that life is illogical

That makes everything grey.

GaryMichaels · 12-13-2011, 11:32 AM

I think if you are open to the idea of being her sex toy stay with her but if you want something more break up with her and keep as far away as possible. I get the impression from your post she is never going to leave her boyfriend and if you fall in love with her there are going to be some problems. It is your choice mate but I, for one could never do it as I am only interested in serious relationships with woman (plus I am married) and she is obviously using you which you don’t seem okay with.

I don’t know what happened to break up your marriage but is this really the type of relationship you want to go into after being divorced? Trust me when I say the whole Dawson/Joey/Pacy relationship is not worth it no matter how hot or amazing the woman is. I’ve had friends that have been in them and while they might make interesting TV for some people and they never end well in real life and somebody always gets hurt but I assume you would have known this when you met her.

NursingGirl · 12-14-2011, 10:43 AM

I think people tend to forget that they are one point of three in a relationship triangle in these situations. The other two points are a dishonest person (her) and the third point of the triangle is someone you know little about but with whom you are intimately involved, nonetheless. If it is not an open relationship that she has with her boyfriend, then you have quite a clue about her character. Why do you think she would treat you with any more respect than she treats other intimate relationships partners?

One example of how seriously deceptive and damaging such a relationship can be to all parties for me was when I saw what happened to a guy who rented a home from me. He formed a sexual relationship with a neighbor woman and was relaxing on her couch one night and fell asleep. Her partner was supposed to be at work but he came home unexpectedly (probably because he suspected something was going on). He stabbed my renter friend repeatedly- back of the neck, messed up his arm pretty badly- wow. My renter missed alot of work, lost his job and actually worked in construction laying tile. The nerves were permanently damaged in his arm and I don't know if he ever was able to stay in the same line of work. So my point is...the third point in the triangle IS an important player who has made an investment. I don't know what his reaction will be when he finds out his partner is not trustworthy or that there is a third intimate point in the relationship. I've made my own mistake with this choice years ago and I will never do it again. I was having fun, too, but in retrospect, I was unwilling to see how much of herself she had invested in this guy who didn't deserve it. It's not my fault she made that mistake (and it was probably a relationship pattern for her AND him) but I had no business being involved. And once I faced the fact that he was void of character, I really wished I hadn't shared any part of myself with him even for "fun". Yuk.

vytas80 · 12-14-2011, 12:59 PM

I am not sure, if that is OK for you, but here is what worked for me during 2 painfull post-breakup periods:

Step 1. Getting a new sex partner asap. Doesnt have to be super hot or nice. Just any woman who values me enough to sleep with me.

Step 2. Once I had someone to have sex I explored my opportunities with other women. Having 2-3 casual partners simultaneosly worked best. Less is dangerous as I risk emotionaly attaching, more than 3 usually is too complicated and requires a lot of energy.

Step 3. I kept this lifestyle for as long it needed to heal from breakup and be ready to fall in love again. During that time those 2-3 partners might change (they left me, or I left them). It doesn't really hurt as long as the number is greater than 1.

Step 4. At some point I have fallen in love again and went for exclusive loving relationship. Happy end.

RonSouther · 12-14-2011, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vytas80

I am not sure, if that is OK for you, but here is what worked for me during 2 painfull post-breakup periods:

Step 1. Getting a new sex partner asap. Doesnt have to be super hot or nice. Just any woman who values me enough to sleep with me.

Step 2. Once I had someone to have sex I explored my opportunities with other women. Having 2-3 casual partners simultaneosly worked best. Less is dangerous as I risk emotionaly attaching, more than 3 usually is too complicated and requires a lot of energy.

Step 3. I kept this lifestyle for as long it needed to heal from breakup and be ready to fall in love again. During that time those 2-3 partners might change (they left me, or I left them). It doesn't really hurt as long as the number is greater than 1.

Step 4. At some point I have fallen in love again and went for exclusive loving relationship. Happy end.

For me, the next time you're single, be alone until you are happy...face yourself, go through the fire of facing your warts.

Learn to love yourself and then see what kind of woman you attract then. Probably someone that you can enjoy for life because true love will be there.

The neediness, the fear of loneliness, is a love killer. It makes us possessive, jealous and controlling. It's a painful process of living a sober life to find out who you really are. First the darkness, then the light, in that order. To cling to temporary women is to run from the darkness and never see the light.

rawxstasy · 12-14-2011, 04:22 PM

I agree with Ron. Jumping into another relationship right after a break up is not a good idea. You have some pain and issues to work through before you are ready for a relationship. I think that is the reason your perception about this woman is clouded. She is not someone you want to be build a long-term relationship with.

12-12-2011, 03:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
Rotluchs Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Spokane, WA Posts: 2	I'm the other man... WTF am I doing??? Little help plz!!! So I'm more here for some honest input from experienced people than anything else... Here's the situation: I'm a 37 year old recently divorced man. Almost immediately after my ex-wife moved out I met and began sleeping with this woman. She has a boyfriend she has told me she is not ready to give up on... However once or twice a week she shows up for some very intense late nite interaction, then leaves. Being newly single I should be loving every casual second of this. However I'm not really wired in the brain for "fire and forget" missions and find myself becoming attached to her. We have a lot in common and she really is amazing. I don't really see any signs of her leaving her boyfriend, though there must be something wrong in the relationship or she wouldn't be over here... I haven't really brought any of this up to her because I don't want to pressure her to choose just yet. My choices in this matter are simple... What I know I should be doing.... Which is taking this like a man, having a good time, and just enjoying it for what it is, or Try and get her to leave her boyfriend which would have her either do it and walk into a relationship with me, which I may not be ready for, or have her quit using me as her shiny new sex toy, also bad... The trouble really exists with me in that I really enjoy the way she makes me feel attractive, strong and useful... Something many of you will agree former wives excel at NOT doing... So I was hoping some of you could pass on some coping strategies to help me keep my head in the game and just be a sex toy for her and stop the pining for more to meet my damaged emotional needs.... I'm good with male and female opinions here. Thanks!!!! Last edited by Rotluchs; 12-12-2011 at 03:10 PM. Reason: Spelling

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12-12-2011, 03:24 PM	#2 (permalink)
Angela Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 22,520	What do you want right now in the context of relationship? What are you ready for right now?

12-13-2011, 12:44 AM	#7 (permalink)
RonSouther Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 1,400	Don't ask her to choose because if she chooses you, that doesn't make her your property and not the other guy's. Actually, leave her out of it. Simply adhere to your limits. If you can't handle sharing then don't share. Let her know that you can't do it anymore if that is truly where you are at, but don't tell her that she has to choose. You be you and let her face the natural consequences of this situation. Let her sort it out on her own what is right for her, whether to stay with him or with you. No judgment....just take care of yourself and if the love is there, she will be possessed by it and come to you. If not, then smile that you had some fun but time to move on.

12-13-2011, 12:56 AM	#8 (permalink)
votoshka Family Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Australia Posts: 2,547	To be honest, unless she's in an open relationship with her boyfriend, I think you need to end this "relationship". She sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too... and I don't think that's a healthy thing for anyone involved. I agree you shouldn't have to say "it's him or me"...but I think you need to back away from this relationship that is only going to hurt someone, and is at the moment going nowhere.

12-13-2011, 01:03 AM	#9 (permalink)
RonSouther Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 1,400	This situation is proof that life is illogical That makes everything grey.

12-13-2011, 11:32 AM	#10 (permalink)
GaryMichaels Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 100	I think if you are open to the idea of being her sex toy stay with her but if you want something more break up with her and keep as far away as possible. I get the impression from your post she is never going to leave her boyfriend and if you fall in love with her there are going to be some problems. It is your choice mate but I, for one could never do it as I am only interested in serious relationships with woman (plus I am married) and she is obviously using you which you don’t seem okay with. I don’t know what happened to break up your marriage but is this really the type of relationship you want to go into after being divorced? Trust me when I say the whole Dawson/Joey/Pacy relationship is not worth it no matter how hot or amazing the woman is. I’ve had friends that have been in them and while they might make interesting TV for some people and they never end well in real life and somebody always gets hurt but I assume you would have known this when you met her.

12-14-2011, 10:43 AM	#11 (permalink)
NursingGirl Member Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: NC, USA Posts: 56	I think people tend to forget that they are one point of three in a relationship triangle in these situations. The other two points are a dishonest person (her) and the third point of the triangle is someone you know little about but with whom you are intimately involved, nonetheless. If it is not an open relationship that she has with her boyfriend, then you have quite a clue about her character. Why do you think she would treat you with any more respect than she treats other intimate relationships partners? One example of how seriously deceptive and damaging such a relationship can be to all parties for me was when I saw what happened to a guy who rented a home from me. He formed a sexual relationship with a neighbor woman and was relaxing on her couch one night and fell asleep. Her partner was supposed to be at work but he came home unexpectedly (probably because he suspected something was going on). He stabbed my renter friend repeatedly- back of the neck, messed up his arm pretty badly- wow. My renter missed alot of work, lost his job and actually worked in construction laying tile. The nerves were permanently damaged in his arm and I don't know if he ever was able to stay in the same line of work. So my point is...the third point in the triangle IS an important player who has made an investment. I don't know what his reaction will be when he finds out his partner is not trustworthy or that there is a third intimate point in the relationship. I've made my own mistake with this choice years ago and I will never do it again. I was having fun, too, but in retrospect, I was unwilling to see how much of herself she had invested in this guy who didn't deserve it. It's not my fault she made that mistake (and it was probably a relationship pattern for her AND him) but I had no business being involved. And once I faced the fact that he was void of character, I really wished I hadn't shared any part of myself with him even for "fun". Yuk.

12-14-2011, 12:59 PM	#12 (permalink)
vytas80 Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 18	I am not sure, if that is OK for you, but here is what worked for me during 2 painfull post-breakup periods: Step 1. Getting a new sex partner asap. Doesnt have to be super hot or nice. Just any woman who values me enough to sleep with me. Step 2. Once I had someone to have sex I explored my opportunities with other women. Having 2-3 casual partners simultaneosly worked best. Less is dangerous as I risk emotionaly attaching, more than 3 usually is too complicated and requires a lot of energy. Step 3. I kept this lifestyle for as long it needed to heal from breakup and be ready to fall in love again. During that time those 2-3 partners might change (they left me, or I left them). It doesn't really hurt as long as the number is greater than 1. Step 4. At some point I have fallen in love again and went for exclusive loving relationship. Happy end.

12-14-2011, 04:22 PM	#14 (permalink)
rawxstasy Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Madison, WI Posts: 961	I agree with Ron. Jumping into another relationship right after a break up is not a good idea. You have some pain and issues to work through before you are ready for a relationship. I think that is the reason your perception about this woman is clouded. She is not someone you want to be build a long-term relationship with.

Personal Development for Smart PeopleTM Forums

Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums