HELP! My Low Self Esteem is destroying my relationship and my life

[ugly melissa]

Hi, I'm new here. I found this website by doing a google search about people who have low self esteem and how to combat it. Anyway, let me start by describing my reasons for having low self esteem. I'm 34 year old. I have the body of a 12 year old. My boobs are too small, Im too skinny, I have no @ss. My left knee is crooked, from knee surgery (I had a tumor removed from it). I have rehumatoid arthritis (I can walk and do everything fine, just in a lot of pain, I have joint damage in my right thumb, the knuckle is huge, but only there). I have cystic acne all over my chin, it looks like my chin went through a meat grinder. The zits come and go, but they leave behind ugly purple marks and the zits get as big as m&m's sometimes. My hair is long and thin and my head is too long. It looks like a potatoe. I have huge front teeth and I was picked on in school about it and called "rabbit" because of my teeth. My nose go's too far down my face, it's not too long though. My body is disgusting. I've seen 12 year old girls with bigger boobs than me. I'm also on social security, because of my arthritis and social anxiety. I don't have any mental illnesess and I'm not on any meds, aside from the ones that keep my R.A. under control. Anyway, I'm not succesfull, I don't work, and I got thrown out of college, cuz my grades were too low. I've only had jobs as a janitor or housekeeper. I get lost all the time when I drive somewhere, even if I've been there a zilion times. I can't follow directions unless I write them down, cuz I'll forget them. My car is old and falling apart and I can't afford to buy a new one. I collect dolls and I'm obsessed with the 80's. I get picked on all the time for that. I'm always being told I' have the brain and mentality of a 7 year old, just because I don't drink or do drugs and collect toys and dolls. Ok with all that out of the way, somehow I managed to snag a boyfriend. He's awesome. But totally lacking in the caring/understanding department. He gets so mad at me when I go off on one of my tyrades about being ugly and not good enough at anything. He's threatened to break up with me because he said it's really depressing for him to have to listen to. He said I have issues and that I hate other women cuz they make me feel insecure, and he's tired of dealing with that. Idon't hate all women, just the pretty ones. I refuse to be friends with a woman that's really pretty, cuz all she is, is just a reminder of how ugly I am and she'll suck up all the attention all the time and my boyfriend will be having fantasies about her while we're together, wishing I was her. Who needs that crap? He doesn't understand that and neither does anybody else. I feel so freaking alone here about this. I try to explain it to my friends and to my man, but they just keep telling me Im crazy. And they have the nerve to sit there and lie to my face and tell me I'm not ugly! yeah ok, a crooked knee and a chin full of zits the size of M&M's is beautiful? Yeah, I'm just every mans dream girl. NOT! UGGGH. I'm so sick of the fake compliments and stupid pitty parties. I don't want that. I just want some relief from this. I can't enjoy myself in a relationship. I'm always feeling insecure and ugly. I keep thinking he's gonna up and leave me for the first woman that comes along that's pretteir than me or more successfull. I also know he loved his ex wife more than me and he still loves her. He won't admit it though. He talks about her a lot and how great he thought she was. It just ends up making me feel worse about myself and then he gets mad at me for feeling that way! How else am I supposed to feel? His ex wife was a school teacher and had red hair (his favorite color hair on a woman), and my hair is brown. Her boobs were bigger than mine and she had an @ss. I'm like dog crap compared to her. And he expects me to have high selfe esteem? Yeah ok. I don't know what to do. I'm so desparate. I need help fast! And please dont' tell me to see a stupid therapist. That doesn't work! I've tried it. I'm sitting here crying right now as I'm typing this cuz we just had a fight about my self esteem again. I was in a chat room talking about how I've had ex's cheat on me and leave me for girls that were prettier. I was also downing myself and talking about how ugly I am. And he got all mad at me and said I was making him feel bad and it makes him look bad when I talk that way about myself cuz then people wonder why he wouldn wanna be with someone withc such low self esteem. Well, I seriously don't think that they're wondering about that. I think they're wondering what the hell he sees in such an ugly, stupid woman like me. So, my question is this...how can I stop feeling this way? I'm so scared hes' gonna dump me and it's so lose to christmas. I love him so much and I can't bear to lose him. I lost him once before cuz of my stupidity and I don't want it to happen again. I need help fast!!

[rubixmon]

Eat healthier. What's your typical diet? You'll be amazed at what it can do for your self esteem, acne, and just overall mood and outlook on life. Juicing is a good thing to try or even just cutting down on "crap" foods.

That is at least, my two cents.

[Rimuel]

You can't stop what you feel, because feelings are reactions; they are not actions.

But you can begin by looking at what is right with your life. If everything happens to be wrong, take a leap of faith and work on one small thing at a time, believing that it will somehow turn out right. You are not alone, many people are having problems that they wish they do not have. But it is what we lack that motivates us to better ourselves. Problems are opportunities. Beyond the fear, lies the reward.

I recommend this: ReCreate Your Life

[ugly melissa]

Originally Posted by rubixmon

Eat healthier. What's your typical diet? You'll be amazed at what it can do for your self esteem, acne, and just overall mood and outlook on life. Juicing is a good thing to try or even just cutting down on "crap" foods.

That is at least, my two cents.

I'm new here, so I hope I am doing this right. I don't want to break any rules. Ok, so, My diet is not very good, lol. There is a lot of stuff I can't eat, because of my health issues. I have ulcerative collitis, celiacs disease (gluten allergy), and the cystic acne. I've found that by cutting sugar out my diet completely, has diminished the ammount of cysts I get. But...whenever my period is on the way, my chin ends up looking like it went through a meat grinder. It's awfull. If I eat even just one cookie, I will get a nasty cyst, within an hour of eating it. It never used to be this way. All the acne trouble started back in 2008. Before that, I coud eat whatever I wanted and not have to worry about cystic acne. Now, I feel like my body has just told me to go jump off a bridge, lol. Also, not long after that problem, I got a tumor in my left knee. Followed by my rheumatoid arthritis spreading through my entire body. Since I was 6 years old, I've had the arthritis in both knees and it never went anywhere else. I just feel like my body is shutting down on me or something, and destroying itself for some reason. Nothing has really changed in my eating habits or life in general, but I do have to admit that these things make me feel extremely depressed and contribute to my low self esteem problem. Anyway, I do know there are certain foods that can trigger this type of arthritis to flair up, and I try to avoid them at all costs. What do you reccomend eating or not eating for me? I eat a lot of pretzels and consume massive ammounts of hot chocolate. I am addicted to hot chocolate. However, there is sugar in it, but it doesn't seem to cause me to break out at all. There are a few things with sugar in them that I can eat, that won't make me break out, like ice pops, certain ice cream and cookies. I also noticed that when I ate sugar free cookies, I still broke out in cysts!

[ugly melissa]

Originally Posted by Rimuel

You can't stop what you feel, because feelings are reactions; they are not actions.

But you can begin by looking at what is right with your life. If everything happens to be wrong, take a leap of faith and work on one small thing at a time, believing that it will somehow turn out right. You are not alone, many people are having problems that they wish they do not have. But it is what we lack that motivates us to better ourselves. Problems are opportunities. Beyond the fear, lies the reward.

I recommend this: ReCreate Your Life

I'm not sure I'm understanding you here. Problems are opportunities? How can Rheumatoid arthritis be an opportunity? I'm gonna end up being a crippled circus freak. And the acne is disgusting. I'm totally lost here. There's nothing i can do to change those problems, short of getting all my joints replaced, which I can't afford to do, and getting a skin graft on my chin, which I also can't afford. I see no way these things could ever be an opportunity for me, other than making my self esteem even lower. I'm not looking for a pitty party here, please try and understand that. I'm just not seeing how my problems can ever be fixed or turn out right. what's going good in my life however, is that my cat is not sick anymore. I got all my Christmas presents bought and wrapped. I'm managing my money a lot better and this year I got people some awesome presents, and didn't have to use my credit card even once. I have a great boyfriend and I have awesome friends. I'm really good at my hobbies like photography and web design. So my life isn't all bad, it's just this darned self esteem issue that I'm struggling wiht. I also have social anxiety that I've been battling, but I've come a long way in the past year. I've done things I never dreamed I could do, last year. And I'm so happy about that. I love it. Now if I could jst get over this last hurtle....

[The Cloud]

You're not pretty. You might even be ugly. It doesn't sound like there's much you can do about it.

If that's the case, do you think you can be happy being ugly? Keep in mind that if you can't, and if you can't stop being ugly, then your efforts to improve your self-esteem are meaningless, everything you've written and asked is pointless. You have to assume that you can be both happy and ugly, or else you have to give up on happiness.

So what do you think?

[nothuman]

Hi Melissa

Not sure whether you have ever looked into self inquiry. The fundamentals of self inquiry are to isolate thoughts. Expose the thoughts that can have a huge effect holding your physical conditions in check. Before any physical manifestation there is an underlying command to instate it.
A good start is the work of Byron Katie...Do The Work :: The Work of Byron Katie this is a free download and is easy to apply.
I feel drawn to suggest this as no amount of mental rewiring really cuts the mustard for that long. Sometimes you've just got to buckle down to look at what is there. All the best to you......oh and change your user name

[votoshka]

When it comes to diet, the best thing you can do is avoid processed food as much as possible. This means anything that comes pre-packaged in a box! Eating fresh fruit and veggies and organic meat will go a long way to improving your health. Any pre-packaged rubbish is going to be laden with stuff that the body can't deal with well. Some people seem better able to deal with rubbish than others, but ultimately it catches up with everyone. It just sounds like you're one of the unfortunate ones who can't deal with poor food at all.

As for your self esteem, the best thing you can do is to STOP talking about it!! What is the point of going on and on in front of your friends and boyfriend about how ugly you are? Does it help? Of course not!! Is it going to piss your boyfriend off? Well, yes! Whenever you go on about how ugly you are, you're essentially calling him stupid for going out with you. I mean, why would some guy want to go out with a girl who is disgustingly ugly and completely useless?? That's what you are implying about yourself... and therefore you're telling him he's an idiot for going out with you (does that make sense??!)

Instead, you need to accept that he cares about you for who you are. Obviously if he's a great guy he could go out with someone more attractive if he chose to. BUT he chose YOU! So instead of invalidating his choice, accept that he finds you a worthwhile person. If you don't, you WILL drive him away.

It really, really does you no good to continually put yourself down. You may have these thoughts, but don't keep going on about it in front of people who care about you! There are far better topics of conversation than "I am so ugly and pathetic blah blah blah". Focus on discussing interesting and challenging topics when you talk to your friends! You obviously have positives in your life you can focus on (as you said in your last post).

The problem is that you are tying all your self esteem to your looks, and while you do that your self esteem can't improve. You need to tie your self esteem to those things you're good at, and your positive qualities. Obviously you have MANY great qualities if you've attracted an awesome guy and have good friends! I know it's easier said than done, but whenever you're having a negative thought about your appearance, or about your physical problems, try to catch ahold of yourself before the thought travels far, and instead think about something enjoyable. Think about a new project, or what you'll do next time you see your boyfriend, and force your mind away from all thoughts of your problems.

It always amazes me when I see people who are so darn positive despite having horrible handicaps or deformities. I saw a Youtube video yesterday about a girl who got half her face blown off in a shotgun accident who went on to graduate from high school with straight As (despite being blinded and horribly mutilated in the accident) and is now happily married with a child. I can't imagine going through what she went through and coming out on the other side a positive, optimistic person!

Whenever I start beating myself up about all my issues, I think about those people who are so much worse off than me, but who don't go around dwelling on their problems, but instead go out and live!

[C33]

Please change your username!
You are not doing yourself any favors by calling yourself ugly publically.

I think your hobbies sound very cool and unusual, and certainly don't know why they should be a laughing matter.

Everybody has been called something horrible in high school. A friend who is a model was made fun of because she was lanky and skinny and had no boobs

Maybe you can make a pact with your boyfriend that you'll stop talking about how ugly you feel if he stops talking about his ex wife.

Have you ever asked your boyfriend what he sees in you and why he likes you and is attracted to you? Maybe you should start believing the positive things people say about you, as what you are saying about yourself is not bringing any joy to you.

I've seen ugly girls that thought they were beautiful and strutted their stuff like life was one big runway, and I've seen gorgeous girls cry over some perceived physical flaw.

Ultimately it's what you think about yourself that matters, and you can think yourself as beautiful as you want.

I agree that eating healthy will probably help with the acne condition. Also, the way you feel about yourself, and the horrible thoughts you have about your abilities, your value, your self-worth might be hurting you physically.

Maybe the acne is all the terrible, hateful thoughts about yourself showing up as cysts...

I hope you start the journey towards self-love little by little, and you let yourself being loved and being happy.

[Ilique]

Melissa, I'm with C33 - please change your name on here. You have to start changing your way of thinking somewhere, and right here would be a good place to start.

I can sympathize with you to a certain extent. I, too, have rheumatoid arthritis so I know how debilitating the disease can be. I also know that stress is one of the worst things for RA. Having a low-stress life helps keep you out of RA flares, and therefore helps prevent further damage to joints. The more you feed into the "I'm so ugly!" routine, the more stress you hold within you and the worse you're going to feel overall. It's a vicious circle, especially given your other health problems.

Despite the way you describe yourself, I don't see you as being ugly. A crooked knee doesn't make you ugly. Being thin doesn't make you ugly. Having small breasts and no butt doesn't make you ugly. Even the acne doesn't make you ugly. I think, though, that you focus too much on these attributes, and you draw other people's focus to these attributes because of your fixation. I know the acne can be mortifying, but in all honesty - if I meet someone interesting or sparkling or funny, I don't even notice if they have acne or warts or a big red birthmark across their face. I'm too busy enjoying who they ARE, which is far more important than how they look.

You've got a boyfriend who has seen past any possible superficial traits (those things that worry you so much don't matter to him!). You've got "awesome friends" (how lucky that is!!) and you're "really good" at photography and web design (how wonderfully talented!). You've got a lot of good things going on in your life, and you're spending time fretting and complaining about superficial things that don't matter a bit to those who care about you.

The health problems are difficult, I know. And it's hard to think positive about anything when you're in pain or you're limited by your condition. But you limit yourself more by being so negative about your physical being. Maybe you can start the process of developing a more positive attitude by giving yourself a bit of a pep talk. When you find yourself thinking negatively or beginning to talk about how ugly you think you are, you stop. Take a moment, close your eyes, and tell yourself: "Just let it go .. just let it go ..". Let your mind fill with lightness, like a room full of warm sunshine. Take a deep breath and let it out while having your body - especially your shoulders and neck - relax. Think about how good that feels. Isn't it better than how you feel when you think about 'bad' thoughts?

And when you open your eyes again, don't go back into those same thoughts. Smile. Think about how talented you are. Think about how great your friends are. You can do this!

By the way, be thankful that you are thin. If you were at the other end of the spectrum, overweight, the RA would be much more difficult for you. So there's a huge advantage to you in being thin and keeping the additional stress off of your joints. Just think how much less pain you're in than you COULD be if you were carrying more weight!

Good luck!

Melanie

[RonSouther]

I love this product....Amazon.com: Liquid Life complete nutrition With 144 Nutrients, 32-Ounce Bottle: Health & Personal Care

Mellissa, no mind games here...you got what you got on the outside but on the inside, you're a miracle waiting to happen, a seed capable of blooming! More and more, women get boob jobs but it doesn't transform the real source of beauty, the inner self.

Have you ever seen a physically beautiful person that is in whole ugly because of their inner self? Have you ever seen perhaps a severely handicapped person with such a light in their eyes that the people around that person can't help but light up too?

What you think is the "source" of happiness isn't really the source at all. Sure, the world SEEMS to bend over for the hot lady, but don't you also see how the world EXPLOITS her at the same time? She's not generally treated as a human being but a drug and a commodity. Now THAT is ugly!!!

Physical beauty is temporary and we all see that in life. I look in the mirror and wonder where my youthful look went! I'm starting to see my dad's face on me now and I don't want to see that!

But you are in a great position. Happiness is right behind you but you're looking in the wrong direction. You're looking outside yourself for the opinions of others and of yourself to define you. This superficial world is cruel as it craves to devour physical beauty, yet you cling to that world for your identity! What?? Don't you see that sickness in the world that using beautiful women as an escape? Where's the love there? It's not, only sickness is there.

And it seems the more beautiful the woman, the dumber she can be. Obviously, that's not always true, but think about this. She can be a ♥♥♥♥♥ and still be "accepted". Where will she ever learn to love if she can get away with being bossy? She won't! She finds her life empty, meaningless AND she can see her looks are not lasting. Her life is one of high maintenance, clinging to plastic surgeries and high fashion....it's expensive. She's often dependent on finding someone that can afford her narcissism, ending up in loveless relationships that too often end when she isn't hot enough anymore.

Both you and the hot ladies are missing the true source of happiness, but YOU are in the best position to find it!

In your suffering you are the one searching. You know that your looks are not your happiness so you're not going to waste most of your life on them, right? You can check off that dead end.

You can see that another person is not your true happiness as your boyfriend hasn't been able to make up for what you're lacking in love for yourself. And you see that with the fake compliments or the social rejection that people again are not your happiness.

And you can see that you're own judgment of self is not your happiness either!

This is all good because it forces you into a pit. Whatever you've been believing about happiness in life has proven wrong and now you don't know what to think. Right?

That forced you to reach out beyond your mind's logic about happiness and led you to this board. You don't trust your own mind to find you happiness. GOOD!!!! Because that is a problem that is beyond your mind!

You're confused, right? Are you ever happy "confused"? Look at the times when you do feel happy...do you feel confused or "clear"? Clear, right?

And when you felt happy, were you all of a sudden "hot"? Did your boobs grow temporarily? No...it was because your mind was relaxed.

The mind can't see that it's activity sucks up your energy to live! The culture taught you that beauty is valuable and comparing yourself to that standard, you don't have value. But what does the world do with that value? Escapes life by getting off on it sexually for the most part. Look at all the beauty wasted in porn, in manipulatiing others....really it's an exchange...a business, a commodity. Are you a commodity?

Do you see "gifts" and talents inside you? They are there but do you see them? Do you see inside you truly a kind, loving person? Do you see a push to create in some way, to try to make life better?

And look at how accepted you are on this message board! Wow! Can you see that love is a function of intelligence? Some really intelligent people live on these boards and accept you as you are, love you as you are. I love you....it's easy because you're so real! You're story makes me sad, not because of your looks, but because you don't see your inner beauty, and I know you can see it.

I'm so sincere when I say that your life situation puts you on the fast track to a spiritual awakening that will release your innately joyful true nature. You will no longer define yourself with opinions. You won't even have an opinion of yourself. Your judgement will become compassion.

There's no turning back. The search is on for meaning in your life! Welcome to the club! Leave the 99% of the population that is stuck in narcissism and join the 1% that have already hit their own rock bottom when all of our happy ideas have failed us. I hit my rock bottom 3 years ago.

You're in good hands....please keep sharing and know that you're equipped to self heal. When you posted your messages, when you got that off your chest, didn't it feel good? That's part of self healing, to be yourself and express yourself. Keep letting this things out. And also see that relating here has nothing to do with superficial beauty. Your "being" is here with other beings. We don't care about your looks. We care about your being, your true self!

Welcome!! Oh, and please change your screen name....reintroduce yourself?

[Miia]

You know...

I have never met an ugly person and I find it hard to believe that someone like that exists.

Even people who at first do not appear beautiful(NB! I say "not beautiful" and not "ugly"), can turn into gorgeous when you get to know them. I know it sounds cliche but it really is so.

I just met a girl with really bad acne... but when she opened her mouth and started talking, she turned absolutely gorgeous! She had the most pleasant voice and smile and her eyes were glowing with delight.. she looked so confident and was really pretty.

I think that`s how "beauty" works. (of course there are some people who are born extraordinarily beautiful but they are the minority and the rest of us MAKE ourselves pretty).

A person`s attitude and self-esteem, the way they carry themselves etc can go a looooooong way in making good impressions. (make-up, clothes and stuff like that help too)

And do not put yourself down infront of your bf... firstly, that`s not attractive and secondly, you are not ugly and worthless, he would not be with you if he thought you were.

As for your health - we all have our battles to fight. This might be yours. Don`t let it break your spirit. You are not alone, trust me.
I know a woman who has been an invalid since birth, she writes with her feet, cant talk, cant walk etc. She paints and recently published a book. She has 3 children and is getting a degree in psychology.