Not the favorite child

[konmai]

Has anyone dealt with not being the favorite child or having to shoulder more responsibility in the family?

At 18, I started helping my family with the bills while working and going to school full-time. At 18, my brother does none of those things. He's now 20. Yet, he's the favorite, and I get called selfish for not wanting to contribute towards paying for half of a new laptop for him for Christmas. I bought my own laptop for school. Told my mom it wasn't in my budget which led to the argument of me being selfish, etc. When my aunt bought me a new laptop, I gave it to my mom to use and continued to use my old one.

I caught the bus as an undergrad. He cried for a car and got one. I'm just feeling very underappreciated and am at the point where enough is enough.

Anyone experience something like this personally? What did you do?

[CroMagna]

That sounds horrible. I feel bad for you. This is terrible. I think your family is using you and being very manipulative by calling you selfish. How are you selfish? You didn't ask to be born. They're selfish: they brought you into this world without your consent so that they could use you to shoulder the burdens of the family. If I were you I would threaten to move out and say you no longer care if you're considered selfish. If that doesn't work, I would move out ASAP! You need to remove the button of "you're selfish" so that it can no longer be pushed.

[reekah]

Parents have favourites, such is life.

[votoshka]

Move out. That's about the only thing I can suggest. I think it's unfair for parents to show favourites so obviously. HOWEVER, I can sometimes understand why it occurs.... and I don't mean the favouritism, I mean what appears to be favouritism.

For example, I always considered my younger sister the favourite, as she got away with me and seemed to get things easier than me. When I was 8 I was expected to help her clean her room (she was 4 at the time) when I was 20 (!!!!) my parents asked me to help her clean her wardrobe. WTF? I used to really resent it! Even after I moved away to university, when I'd come home my mum would ask me to vacuum, I'd ask why can't my sister do it, since she's living there (and I had my own place to clean up) and my mum would still press me to do it, even though at my sister's age I'd been doing it.

I later realised it was just EASIER for my parents to get me to do stuff, because my sister was just more difficult. When push came to shove, I'd do what I was asked, while she'd just argue or whinge more about it.

Same with schoolwork. They had higher expectations of me doing well. Again, it was just harder to get her to achieve and she wasn't quite as academically clever (although she's not exactly stupid either... I think they probably underestimated her intelligence because she never worked all that hard).

Kids are different, and as such parents treat them differently. While you may have caught a bus, it may actually have been possible for you to get a car like your brother IF you had behaved like your brother. Try to stand back from the situation and look at how your brother's behaviour affects your parents, and compare it to your own behaviour. For me, I've been able to see the difference in my sister and me only as I've looked back down the years (and had kids of my own). At the time, I was just resentful that my parents treated us differently!

You sould more mature and responsible for your brother, and it also sounds as if you took on a lot of the responsibility yourself without being asked. If you had the same personality as your brother, your parents may ultimately have treated you differently.

[reekah]

I think the concept of child favourites is inherent in our psychology as a species.

Life is tough, and never was fair, so it's no issue to me.

[Acting Like Godot]

As the father of two kids, I wish to share the following:

Sometimes my son complains that my daughter is the favorite child. Sometimes my daughter complains that my son is the favorite child.

But I have no favorite child. I love them both. They struggle with their own perceptions.

My wife and I do not always treat them equally. But of course. You cannot treat all children equally, because they ARE different. They want different things, they have different personalities, they are of different ages and maturities, they have different capabilities and different levels of the same capabilities.

The closest you can come to equal treatment is if you have identical twins. Even then, not quite.

Note also that the existence of each child affects the parenting dynamics surrounding the other child. For example, if one child is relatively more problematic (eg getting into trouble at school; less capable of looking after himself), the parents often give more time and attention to that child, because he needs more of that. It's not right to give equal attention to all the kids, in such a situation.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Note also that the existence of each child affects the parenting dynamics surrounding the other child. For example, if one child is relatively more problematic (eg getting into trouble at school; less capable of looking after himself), the parents often give more time and attention to that child, because he needs more of that. It's not right to give equal attention to all the kids, in such a situation.

Yes, in a sense this is what I was driving at. I find with my kids that my daughter probably gets more attention from me, which may lead my boys to believe she is the "favourite" child. In fact, she simply demands more attention while they are a little more self contained.

The squeaky wheel gets more oil, and this is true with kids as with anything else . If one child is well behaved, quiet, works hard etc. etc. they tend to get less attention and have more responsibility than one who is difficult! Such is life. It's not necessary favouritism, it's just parents dealing with kids the best way they know how, which is not always the absolute BEST way.

[Moriarty]

The animal kingdom kill off the runts of the litter..the human species dont, but instead psychologically pull the plug. Stop being the doormat to your family and become more like your brother. They will just keep taking advantage of you while your willing to recipricate.