Commitment Issues...

[squishytongue]

Hello everybody,

I have an interesting dilemma that I have spent a lot of time contemating and I would love some input from all of you. I have been seeing this girl for about 3 months and things have been great. A little bit of background on the girl though: She just got out of a 2 year relationship where she was dumped. Apparently her boyfriend was very controlling and she felt uncomfortable with the kinds of pressures he was putting on her. A few weeks after the break up, we started seeing each other.

She made it very clear that she was not interested in a relationship but had fun spending time with me. I never tried to pressure her into any kind of commitment which made her feel comfortable. As time has gone on, the types of things we have been doing have been increasingly more events that couples would go to do and she has been telling me that she feels our relationship is moving too quickly.

Just to throw out my side briefly- I truly like this girl and feel a strong attraction towards her but have made the mistake in the past with other girls to come on too strongly and ruin it so with this scenario I made sure from the beginning to keep my distance. I find myself always in a struggle to want to show more affections but don't want to scare her away.

Do you guys think this relationship is possible without putting a label on it? Is this destined to not work out because of her interest levels in this being lower than mine? Is it worth it for me to continue hanging out and sleeping together knowing that I will get hurt in the end or is there a chance of hope I can grow on her and she will have a different opinion? Thank you all very much, I look forward to your input.

[vytas80]

You seem to be more "invested" into the relationships than she. You put all the efforts. Chances are that since she is the one being dumped after 2 years relationship you act as a sort of therapy and a source of validation to her. She enjoys time with you but does want to keep the distance. Guess what that means? The girl wants to keep her options open. Basically she is using you and I think you know it.

You can keep pursuing her and let her keep all the power. You will get hurt eventually or end up being unhappy if she decides to stick with you out of desperation (not because she is attracted to you)

You can also go distant from her. Show her that you have a great life without her. Get busy having fun and do some cool things. Hang out with other girls. Bang a few of them (you are not in commited realtionship anyway). Be a man who has options and makes choice. Chances are her attraction will spike immedietly. And even if it doesn't happen you will end up more happy and will have a chance for a fresh start with someone who will love and accept you.

And I would really suggest to drop the idea that this girl is "someone special". She is not. There are better looking, smarter and more loving one out there. If she does not appreciate what you are and what you give there is another girl who will.

[CroMagna]

^^ I agree. She just got out of a relationship, so she's not looking for a new one. It's time to accept it and move on.

[Angela]

If I were in your shoes, I would open up a very straight conversation with her: what specifically is she comfortable with, and what specifically feels like moving too fast? What does she make it mean about you and about herself when things are moving too fast?

And I would very honestly and compassionately talk about finding a win/win solution. For me, that would very likely include the possibility of not being sexually or emotionally exclusive -- not as a punishment or manipulation, but so that you are tending to your own wellbeing and generating the kind of life you want, while supporting her in doing the same thing.

I would not pretend like I'm in a committed relationship, in the hopes that it would eventually come true.

[veragarcia]

"Love finds a way."

[RonSouther]

My favorite intimacy quote ever.....if you have this with someone, then the whole idea of "commitment" is seen for what it is...."possession of another" and that is THE love killer. Who wants to be the property of another? In true love, LOVE POSSESSES...that's what you're looking for...not someone to possess but that the love between the two of you possesses each of you. And to see what love their is, each person must be free to be themselves, feeling no pressure of expectations. If love isn't there to possess each of you, then move on...don't waste your life trying to fix what isn't there.

When two lovers are really open to each other, when they are not afraid of each other and not hiding anything from each other, that is intimacy. When they can say each and everything without any fear that the other will be offended or hurt. . . . If the lover thinks the other will be offended, then the intimacy is ...not yet deep enough. Then it is a kind of arrangement, which can be broken by anything.

But when two lovers start feeling that there is nothing to hide and everything can be said, and the trust has come to such a depth where even if you don't say it the other is going to know, then they start becoming one."

You can find that quote here in this book.... Online Store - Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other