Relationship Limbo

[cicadajones]

I never post things of this nature, but I think it would be beneficial to get other viewpoints from it, so here it goes.

A little over a month ago, I backed out of an almost 4 year long-distance relationship. The guy was great, but not "the one" - just wasn't feeling it anymore. We went our separate ways amicably, without regret or sadness.

The real story involves someone different (who was my coworker earlier in the year). We worked the same part-time job together at our university, and would have shifts full of sarcastic banter, playful "what-ifs", and the like. We challenged each other. It took me until my former relationship had ended to realize that sparks were flying and I wasn't noticing. I decided it would be interesting to see where things went. Ever since, we have been hanging out: watching movies, working out together, shopping, making food, studying together, etc. Not too different from a "normal" friendship - except for the chemistry. We have gotten slightly intimate, but nothing too serious (he is a virgin, and I'm also not trying to rush into anything of that nature). He made mention that eventually he would enjoy dating me, and making me his girlfriend.

Recently, nothing has changed: we still talk every day and have hung out twice this week already. The only difference is that now it's like he is afraid to get physically near to me, aside from hugging. I asked him straight up about the hot/cold routine, and the answer I got wasn't exactly music to my ears: he knows he wants to be single right now because he enjoys the freedom it allows him to have, didn't want to be a douche by giving weird signals through being intimate, did say that he would like to date me eventually because i am smart and good-looking and likes who i am and what i'm about, but is also attracted to other women still and wanted to be honest about that.

My counter? While I am into him, I was never trying to put him on lock down (maybe in the distant future; I just got OUT of a relationship); I'm a big girl, I'm not the jealous type, and I'd like to continue to hang out (although I do not progress further sexually unless dating is involved) and do what we've been doing and see where things end up.

I know all of the feelings on his end were not something I crafted inside my own female mind, as the signs were all blatantly there (I mean, he kissed me in public in front of people he knows). Also, nothing sexual had really occurred, so it wasn't like it was just about that. To me, it feels like him being utterly afraid to make a commitment, which I hadn't asked of him in the first place.

I have honestly never been in this kind of position before, so it's all new territory. I think the guy is awesome and is incredibly compatible with what I'm about and into and looking for (plus the amount of effortless natural chemistry - wow!), so I don't want to shrug my shoulders and give up altogether. In my mind, this seems to be like a sort of weeding-out process for the needy women vs. the independent ones. Is it a bad plan to keep things as is and within arm's reach, although with the ability to see other people, and have the slight inclination that perhaps in the older and wiser future, something may happen? (In saying this, I have a lot to worry about with school and finding a job, so don't get the idea that this romantic venture is anywhere near being my first priority.) I figure something will come out of it in one of two ways: either sometime in the future he matures and realizes he's prepared for what could be an awesome relationship with me, or a great friendship is built.

Obviously I already know what is on his mind, since I asked him straight up, but any insight or experience in the matter? (If it matters, I'm 22 and he is 23, and we are both still in school.)

[The Cloud]

What "freedom" is it that he has? If all he needs is the freedom to be attracted to other women, and that doesn't bother you, then I'd say it's up to you to make that clear if you want something to happen.

[jayenn]

I think you've got a pretty clear head about this one already! It sounds like you are a very independant person and I think that he will definitely appreciate that about you as he seems to have an aversion to clingy/needy women. I think that he will eventually want to date you officially, but he doesn't want to be rushed into it and I think it'll be best for him to warm up to the idea on his own terms. I think right now by being so casual about the whole thing and not pressing the idea of commitment you are definitely doing the right thing and he will feel more comfortable with you knowing that you aren't expecting anything from him. This takes the pressure off of him and lets him warm up to you on his own time and I'm sure he will ask you out eventually if the chemistry is as great as you say!

Basically, my advice is the advice you've already given yourself! I totally agree with the way you're handling it and think you should just continue to develop your friendship with him in a casual but flirty way and let the relationship play out on its own

Hope everything works out!

[cicadajones]

Thank you so much for the responses! A little reassurance goes a long way