Losing Virginity....

[pollycupcake]

I'm a 21 year old (nearly 22) female and my boyfriend and I are going away on a romantic holiday over New Year, where we'll be having sex for the first time (it's my first time, but he's 31 and it's not his first time). We'll have been dating for 1 year and 2 months by the time the holiday comes and we're in a solid, stable, exclusive relationship.

I've got 2 questions...
1. I'm a perfectionist and want losing my virginity to be a perfect experience - How do I make sure I do everything right?
2. I'm a Catholic "good girl" who likes to stick to the rules and am VERY worried about pre-marital sex - How should I deal with the guilt?

[XXIII]

Originally Posted by pollycupcake

I'm a 21 year old (nearly 22) female and my boyfriend and I are going away on a romantic holiday over New Year, where we'll be having sex for the first time (it's my first time, but he's 31 and it's not his first time). We'll have been dating for 1 year and 2 months by the time the holiday comes and we're in a solid, stable, exclusive relationship.

I've got 2 questions...
1. I'm a perfectionist and want losing my virginity to be a perfect experience - How do I make sure I do everything right?
2. I'm a Catholic "good girl" who likes to stick to the rules and am VERY worried about pre-marital sex - How should I deal with the guilt?

Do you know for a fact that you both are going to have sex? I'm assuming he's not a virgin so let him handle it so long as he's gentle. On your first time just let nature take it's course everything will fall into play. Mostly everyone has premarital sex religious or not, I'm somewhat Catholic myself. If it's eating u up though maybe think it through and u might want to wait a little. After al losing virginity is not like stepping on ants especially for those religious. Now I'm not a hater and all and I'm not knocking your relationship, but at 20 what made you decide to start dating a 30 year old? How did your folks react to this (assuming they know)?

[pollycupcake]

I'm 21 (nearly 22), not 20. I'm already into my career, own my own place, completed a degree and have been living out of home a while - I'm mature for my age, and find men of my age not particularly interesting, or stimulating. My parents have met my 31 year old boyfriend and they like him. He's a nice, intelligent, mature man and we bring out the best in each other.

[XXIII]

Originally Posted by pollycupcake

I'm 21 (nearly 22), not 20. I'm already into my career, own my own place, completed a degree and have been living out of home a while - I'm mature for my age, and find men of my age not particularly interesting, or stimulating. My parents have met my 31 year old boyfriend and they like him. He's a nice, intelligent, mature man and we bring out the best in each other.

Alright that's great that you both really connect like that. Do your thing and enjoy relationships, I usually date girls your age as well although Im in my mid-late 20's. Back to the topic, is it just implied that you both will have sex, or have you both discussed that it's definitely going on? Another thing, make sure you both educate yourselves on proper birth control. Best of luck.

[aelle]

For the practicalities:
- educate yourselves on birth control and on what to do if it fails. Make sure you are on the same page.
- after sex, pee immediately. Intercourse rubs out bacteria for your vagina. They are perfectly healthy in your vagina but not in your urethra, and can cause urinary tract infections which are painful and can be dangerous. Peeing after sex flushes them out.

As for your questions:
1. Having sex with someone new for the first time (or for the first time at all) is a bit like cooking together for the first time in someone else's tiny kitchen. There's going to be a lot of awkward elbowing, bumping into each other, having a hard time finding the correct utensils or the right ingredients and generally feeling clumsy. Even if you've cooked before, you still feel unfamiliar with the place. But if you keep working at it, you can make an edible and even maybe delicious dinner.
So will the first time you have sex be perfect? No, because there is no perfect. There is no "doing it right". It can be sweet, loving, fun, goofy, exciting, pleasurable, and if you're lucky, a bit of each.

My main advice would be to disconnect your analytical brain and concentrate on your body. Do what feels good, what feels right, without holding back of judging yourself. It's not easy, and it's a process. We spend our whole life learning to control and repress our sensual urges - I don't mean just sex, but other bodily pleasures like jumping in puddles, shouting just to hear your voice reverberating, smelling other people, eating without holding back, etc. It's called growing up and living in a society. But learning to enjoy sex is precisely about undoing these blocks.

2. I don't have your experience here, as I don't share your faith. Do you believe that premarital sex is a sin? Is that belief important to you? If so, is there a reason you are not getting married to your man? My personal conviction is that what matters when choosing to have sex or not is to be truly happy and enthusiastic about my choice.

[wanzulfikri]

Have you had any sex education? If you want to have that perfect experience then you should learn some MOVES

[Mariana Trench]

Originally Posted by pollycupcake

I'm a 21 year old (nearly 22) female and my boyfriend and I are going away on a romantic holiday over New Year, where we'll be having sex for the first time (it's my first time, but he's 31 and it's not his first time). We'll have been dating for 1 year and 2 months by the time the holiday comes and we're in a solid, stable, exclusive relationship.

I've got 2 questions...
1. I'm a perfectionist and want losing my virginity to be a perfect experience - How do I make sure I do everything right?
2. I'm a Catholic "good girl" who likes to stick to the rules and am VERY worried about pre-marital sex - How should I deal with the guilt?

1. Sex doesn't work like that. It won't be "perfect" your first time if your idea of perfect is anything like movies or porn. Everything at first is a learning experience, and you'll be learning about your body, your emotions and your partner's body and emotions. You probably don't know what you'll find, and you'll be disappointed if you can't account for discovery.

What's you definition of perfect?

Answer that question twice. First, what do you expect on a surface level? What's did you mean, exactly, in that question?

Next, break it down. What do you really want out of sex that you have wrapped up in that definition?

What do you mean by doing things right? If you're enjoying yourself and paying attention to your partner's feelings you're doing things right. It's not a performance, and things can always be learned and adjusted.

Jaclyn Freidman's What You Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety could help out here. (And all her other work is fantastic too, but slightly less relevant and a bit more academic in tone.)

2. You do want to have sex, right? Do you believe pre-marital sex is wrong, or have you been told that, rejected it, and want ways to deal with the programming?

What are you worried about when it comes to pre-marital sex? Physical risk? Social issues? Punishing yourself?

In any case, The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti I can't recommend enough to you. It's a very readable, very thoughtful book that, like I say, I can't recommend enough to other young women. It deals with exactly this question in a social, historical, ideological, and very real-life context. It's wonderful. (And if you like it and want more, I'd also recommend Full Frontal Feminism by her.)

I also recommend absolutely scouring Scarleteen | Sex Education For The Real World. Truly comprehensive sex-ed. Well, it doesn't include a copy of the Kama Sutra , but it does cover every aspect of sex we need to be informed: from consent to safer sex to emotional issues to detailed anatomy.

Planned Parenthood also has a nifty little tool for choosing a good BC method: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/al...thod-26542.htm, in addition to strait-forward, comprehensive, factually rigorous explanations for each one.

"Advanced" (and explicit) recommendations: everything by Violet Blue.

Also, if you feel comfortable sharing, it might help me understand where you're coming from more. I assume by "sex" you mean PIV (penis-in-vagina) intercourse, right? Have you had other sexual experience or are you totally new to it all?

[raykilleen]

Originally Posted by pollycupcake

1. I'm a perfectionist and want losing my virginity to be a perfect experience - How do I make sure I do everything right?

Practice makes perfect but don’t worry, Mother Nature has you covered for this one, get naked and let the spontaneous arise.

[cicadajones]

If you two connect on such a level that you are ready to get more intimate, then the actual act of it won't make a difference to how you are feeling. Let the sparks fly and let it happen naturally. If the person and the moment is right and natural, then no regrets. As stated above, don't forget your method of birth control!

[SaborWolf]

Originally Posted by aelle

For the practicalities:
- educate yourselves on birth control and on what to do if it fails. Make sure you are on the same page.
- after sex, pee immediately. Intercourse rubs out bacteria for your vagina. They are perfectly healthy in your vagina but not in your urethra, and can cause urinary tract infections which are painful and can be dangerous. Peeing after sex flushes them out.

As for your questions:
1. Having sex with someone new for the first time (or for the first time at all) is a bit like cooking together for the first time in someone else's tiny kitchen. There's going to be a lot of awkward elbowing, bumping into each other, having a hard time finding the correct utensils or the right ingredients and generally feeling clumsy. Even if you've cooked before, you still feel unfamiliar with the place. But if you keep working at it, you can make an edible and even maybe delicious dinner.
So will the first time you have sex be perfect? No, because there is no perfect. There is no "doing it right". It can be sweet, loving, fun, goofy, exciting, pleasurable, and if you're lucky, a bit of each.

My main advice would be to disconnect your analytical brain and concentrate on your body. Do what feels good, what feels right, without holding back of judging yourself. It's not easy, and it's a process. We spend our whole life learning to control and repress our sensual urges - I don't mean just sex, but other bodily pleasures like jumping in puddles, shouting just to hear your voice reverberating, smelling other people, eating without holding back, etc. It's called growing up and living in a society. But learning to enjoy sex is precisely about undoing these blocks.

2. I don't have your experience here, as I don't share your faith. Do you believe that premarital sex is a sin? Is that belief important to you? If so, is there a reason you are not getting married to your man? My personal conviction is that what matters when choosing to have sex or not is to be truly happy and enthusiastic about my choice.

In my opinion... ˆTHAT is the best answer in this thread, so far. Women are famous for the mind killing the moment. When you're there, in bad, etc... be THERE, not inside your head with all your worries & doubts. He should know to go slow & be patient with you for your first time. But whatever you do... don't let your thoughts & worries kill the moment.

When you're there... just focus on your body, as aelle said. She nailed it (no pom intended) when she said that. It will be uncomfortable in the beginning, but the good part should be not too far behind (from what I am told).

You'll be fine. I was a Christian when I did it too, for the first time. And I don't know what to tell you there because the choice is yours. But if I were in your shoes.. I'd do it.

Of course, I'm a guy... so sex is something we desire more than women... hehe

As far as the "perfect" thing ? She's right too... there's no such thing as perfect, really. It will be awkward. So now that you know that... just relax & go with the flow. The more relaxed you are.. the more you'll enjoy it.

And even though I am a guy.. women, you can back me up on this, if I'm right or wrong. Because I have been with virgins before... and it's definitely different than other sexual experiences... because of the awkwardness. So again.. the more you relax, the better it will be... and just laugh a little when something funny happens.

Just don't laugh too much (like, uncontrollably) & kill the moment (been there before & that sucks).

I wish you guys the best... hopefully you can return in here & share with us how it went (not details, just if everything went okay or not)

Have fun.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by pollycupcake

1. I'm a perfectionist and want losing my virginity to be a perfect experience - How do I make sure I do everything right?

The great thing about sex is that you don't have to be good at it to enjoy it, and if you enjoy it, then it's perfect. You'll be happy if you see your bf enjoying himself, right? As long as you like touching him and being touched by him, his enjoyment is a given. The reverse is also true. There's nothing you have to do for it to be perfect. Billions of people have been having sex for thousands of years; it's not something you have to be good at to be worth doing.

So, as long as you want to have sex, there is literally nothing else you have to do for it to be good. Just do what you want to do, and your bf will be completely satisfied with being wanted by you.

[BillieAnn]

It will go wonderfully. No guilt if you use protection!
Goog luck!

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by pollycupcake

I'm a 21 year old (nearly 22) female and my boyfriend and I are going away on a romantic holiday over New Year, where we'll be having sex for the first time (it's my first time, but he's 31 and it's not his first time). We'll have been dating for 1 year and 2 months by the time the holiday comes and we're in a solid, stable, exclusive relationship.

I've got 2 questions...
1. I'm a perfectionist and want losing my virginity to be a perfect experience - How do I make sure I do everything right?
2. I'm a Catholic "good girl" who likes to stick to the rules and am VERY worried about pre-marital sex - How should I deal with the guilt?

1. Losing your virginity will never be a "perfect" experience. This is not a personal insult, but the idea that you could make that experience perfect is just BS. It will not be perfect at all. It will probably hurt, you might bleed a lot, and will probably be completely unpleasurable the first time you have sex. In other words, you won't enjoy it. The thing to enjoy is that you are maturing in life and that losing your virginity is a necessary step towards having a sexual/meaningful relationship.

2. IDK about this. Perhaps the guilt will go away after you have sex a few times and start to enjoy it. Then you will realize that the "stay pure until marriage" thing is also generally a load of BS that is proselytized by religious fanatics who usually aren't very mature themselves.

[Mariana Trench]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

The great thing about sex is that you don't have to be good at it to enjoy it, and if you enjoy it, then it's perfect. You'll be happy if you see your bf enjoying himself, right? As long as you like touching him and being touched by him, his enjoyment is a given. The reverse is also true. There's nothing you have to do for it to be perfect. Billions of people have been having sex for thousands of years; it's not something you have to be good at to be worth doing.

So, as long as you want to have sex, there is literally nothing else you have to do for it to be good. Just do what you want to do, and your bf will be completely satisfied with being wanted by you.

Great post. +1

Originally Posted by Curtis2011

1. Losing your virginity will never be a "perfect" experience. This is not a personal insult, but the idea that you could make that experience perfect is just BS. It will not be perfect at all. It will probably hurt, you might bleed a lot, and will probably be completely unpleasurable the first time you have sex. In other words, you won't enjoy it. The thing to enjoy is that you are maturing in life and that losing your virginity is a necessary step towards having a sexual/meaningful relationship.

That's not necessarily true. Most women don't bleed the "first time" and often that bleeding is caused by something other than breaking the hymen. (Those who are tense and not turned on probably aren't going to have a pleasant experience.) Pain during sex, even the first time, isn't necessarily normal either. Sometimes it is an issue of anatomy (and the hymen) but most of the time that's also caused by being too tense and/or too dry.

If someone's not enjoying the overall experience (something can involve a bit of pain and still be enjoyable) of the sex they're having, there is something wrong.

For all the details, to anyone reading this post, see Scarleteen: My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It | Scarleteen

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by pollycupcake

I'm a 21 year old (nearly 22) female and my boyfriend and I are going away on a romantic holiday over New Year, where we'll be having sex for the first time (it's my first time, but he's 31 and it's not his first time). We'll have been dating for 1 year and 2 months by the time the holiday comes and we're in a solid, stable, exclusive relationship.

I've got 2 questions...
1. I'm a perfectionist and want losing my virginity to be a perfect experience - How do I make sure I do everything right?
2. I'm a Catholic "good girl" who likes to stick to the rules and am VERY worried about pre-marital sex - How should I deal with the guilt?

Your rules are going to keep your moment from being perfect. Nature is splendid when it comes to sex. No rules needed except for birth control.

And what Catholic rules allow pre-marital sex anyhow? Your guilt is a product of your rules that have been programmed into you by human will not by God. God programmed you to want and enjoy sex with someone you love. Right? Thats the story here. You love him and want to give it all to him. What is ALREADY killing your moment are those rules of man, of society, of the church. Something so beautiful as sex is already corrupted to be evil in your mind.

But you are loyal to the very source of guilt in your life....dogma....can't you see that?

These are mind games society plays to keep you under control. Its done ignorance.

If you love him, you alread feel God's presence in your natural push to be all with you boyfriend. Your body has been ready for this moment for 9 years. Be you and enjoy a new life experience but be smart enough to not reproduce life until you're ready.

ENJOY!