father daughter distance relationship

[deadboy1977]

I have been divorced for 3 or so years now and my daughter who is 15 lives far away (I live in VA and she lives with her mom in FL). She was my 3rd leg when we were in VA - we did everything. I am really upset that I cannot be with her like old times. I sometimes feel that I am no longer a father to her. I do call and we talk, etc but at age 15 she is busy with a boyfriend, sports etc. I am trying to build a better bond in this distance relationship but it is tough. I always make the most out of out times togther - I see her 3 times a year at spring break, summer and winter break. I sometimes go see her sporting events when they are closer to me (i.e. TENN or SC or NC - 7 hour or so trip each way). When I do I feel out of place as the moms and dads from FL are all at these events and I don't know any of them. I have looked at some books on father-daughter relationships too but am unsure which ones would be best for my situation. This is my 1st post on this forum and I hope someone out there is or has experienced what I am going through and can offer some advice.........

[Volunteer]

I feel your pain since I have been and am currently in somewhat the same situation as yourself.

I really have no desire to talk thru this on a public forum but if you would like, send me a private message and I will respond there.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

What possibility is there of moving closer to her in order to be able to spend more time with her? I know it's hard to uproot your life...job, home, etc, but it seems like this would be a worthy relationship for which to make the effort. Just a thought. I am a twenty something woman and I think that if I was without my dad at that time in my life, a move like this would be very special to me...particularly since you say you were so close before. It probably wouldn't be easy, but I doubt it would be impossible.

[Radio]

Hello Dead Boy,

I also feel your pain. My 13 year old daughter lives in Florida as well, and I live on the west coast. Last time she came to visit me (December) I noticed she got gotten into a sort of teenage vibe. She didn't want to go out. All she did was talk on the phone with her friends, surf the net, and watch TV.

So she basically wasted her trip stuck in the house because she refused to go out and do anything with me. That was the first time she had reacted that way on a visit. On previous visits we would go to theme parks, sporting events, miniature golf, the movies, etc. This last time, nothing. She was completely shut down, and I was very worried.

After she went back home I started feeling a major negative change. She would no longer call or email me. When we did talk on the phone she would cut me off almost immediately. She would answer all my questions with a "yes" or "no", but wouldn't elaborate, etc. I was desperate and didn't know what to do about it.

After trying every possible tactic to get closer to my daughter, I simply started writing her letters telling her how I felt and how much I loved her. I told her about the mistakes I had made in life, and about the future I wanted to build for her.

Slowly but surely those heartfelt letters got a reaction out of her. She started calling me again, making jokes on the phone, and making plans for our summer vacation. She even said recently that when she goes to college, she wants to come live close to me. So she's already thinking about how we're going to interact when she's an adult.

The only thing I could think of that clicked in my situation is that she has grown up. She is no longer a child, and perhaps wanted me to treat her more like an adult, and not like the little princess that she had always been. At least in the last two months, my words have meant more to her than my gifts, and I have seen a drastic change for the positive.

So I know every situation is different, but that might be another tactic that you could try. It might not be scientifically proven or approved by Dr. Phil, but at least it worked for me.

I also considered moving to Florida to be closer to her, but my career keeps me moving around constantly, so moving to Florida would also mean changing careers ---- and even though my daughter is worth it, I know the financial hit will affect me, and it will affect her, since her mother depends entirely on the child support she gets from me.

Plus I did that once before and it backfired on me. In 2000 I made a move from Honolulu to Miami to be closer to her, and six months later her mother got married and moved to Rhode Island, giving me about 3 days notice. Eventually she moved back to Miami and I was close to my daughter again, but obviously her mother's priorities are different than mine, so you never know what the future holds.

Best of luck to you and keep your head up!