New relationship?

[elucidate]

I've met a man that I have a really strong connection with, as though we have been good friends for many years, and everything is really easy between us.

I spent this weekend with him and had a lot of fun and learnt some new techniques in cranio-sacral massage, which is his profession.

I even managed to use one of his techniques on him and he has said that most people he teaches don't pick it up so quickly and after I applied it to him, his headaches, which have plagued him for 10+ years, since a motorcycle accident, went away and he felt great...so, that was pretty great.

Anyway, my issue with him is that he feels very sexual towards me and although I enjoy his touch and feel safe with him and trust him with my body, I am not sure whether I feel attracted to him in that way. What I mean is, I am in my late thirties and am drawn to younger boys bodies at the moment...and he is in his late 50's, so whilst he is at my level intelectually and emotionally he is tuned into himself and we are easily able to understand each other and have empathy, and he is probably very good for me, I don't think I am attracted to him physically.

His personality makes up for it though, and I consider him a dear friend after only 3 days of really knowing each other...it's crazy!

He is also in the same line of work as me. He gives sensual massage to men and women and is Bi in his private life. So I feel like I have someone who is in the same business, and I can talk about anything with him in regards to this, which is really nice to not have to worry about judgements about morality or such things.

Another couple of things that are coming up for me are:

*He's a smoker...weed and cigarettes.

The reason why this is an issue for me is that I decided after my last relationship that I only want non-smokers to be in loving relationships with. I don't mind it if friends smoke, that's not my issue, but if I am going to be up close with someone in an intimate way, I don't want to be breathing in their smokers breath or having to put up with passive smoking around them. I just don't find it attractive...in fact, it's a huge turn off for me.

*He is very passive when we go out!

I had this with an old boyfriend, and it totally turned me off him. When we would go out for dinner somewhere, he always left it up to me to decide what we were going to eat and where.

I like to have a combined effort so I know what he is happy to spend and what he wants. I don't want to just be ordering stuff when I don't know what he likes and he did display at certain times, a slight suspicion that I was trying to milk him when out for coffee or when we shared some zataar bread at a local lebanese cafe. I said it would go well with dip and he looked at me like I was pushing it or being rude, as he was paying. The bread is really dry without dip, and just tastes better with it, so that was where my head was at...which he didn't get.

Basically, he said "you don't have to be so nice all the time" to me, and I replied that it wasn't that, but that I don't really do the 'passive partner' thing. I didn't go into detail about my ex partner that did this to me all the time and how much it turned me off him, but I think he was able to recognize that he was being too passive about it, but thought he was doing the right thing by letting me be "the boss". I don't like being "the boss" that way...I want us both to be happy and get what we want, not me just decide what he is going to have.

So, I am not sure what I am asking for here, just that I am trying to get clearer on how I feel about him.

Saturday night we had an absolute ball together, and I wanted it to continue, which it did the next day, but I think I got too stoned, and just couldn't talk much to him, and I could feel that my natural rapport with him, I was almost fighting, perhaps out of being scared of losing my single, independent status that I have grown so accustomed to...as he has. We are both very similar...reclusive practically, though I am much more social than I used to be.

He has an absolutely stunning and totally cool pad, which is a wharehouse convertible...very spacious and I wanted to move in immediately upon visiting for the first time...and even said I'd move into his bathroom, which he complained was boring, but was the most unusual and amazing bathroom I'd ever seen. I couldn't believe he actually complained about it?

He's also a Scorpio, and my history with scorpios haven't been great...although granted, I only had one scorpio for a partner, and he was majorly self-destructive.

I'm just not sure if this is going to be a healthy relationship? I don't really want to get drawn back into smoking weed all the time, and I don't find smokers sexy...so whilst that may sound harsh to some folk, that's just where I'm at and I know what I don't want in a man. I know we need to accept everything about our partners...but he isn't my partner yet and I don't really want to compromise on this point. I've done that in the past and it just was unpleasant for me.

Does anyone have some helpful input that may help me get clear? I know it's a matter of just journaling with my feelings, and I could feel myself consciously trying to ignore any sort of feelings once I started to become really aware of the connection between us. I'm just not sure if it is meant to be a sexual thing, or whether he is someone I have manifested to help me with my business and work, and who I can just have fun with?

I know he wants to be sexual with me, and we have both had issues in this area with decreased libido, so maybe we are supposed to heal each other this way?

Confusion...

[BillyTheAdult]

smh....Just date the damn guy. I swear women make everything so complicated!

Stop worrying so much and just live. Jesus Christ!









Best of luck

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by BillyTheAdult

smh....Just date the damn guy. I swear women make everything so complicated!

Stop worrying so much and just live. Jesus Christ!

Thanks for the helpful input. I hope you feel better for expressing your frustration about women in my thread Billy.

I am dating the guy, and I'm just trying to get clearer about how I feel, not complicate things. Perhaps you didn't read my post well enough?

I wouldn't say I'm worrying about it, just not sure on certain factors that have presented themselves...there's a difference.

Best of luck

Thankyou

[nothuman]

E.... let it play out. Take yourself out of the cockpit and switch to auto pilot for a bit. It'll give intuition a chance to kick in.... go have some fun with the guy.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by nothuman

E.... let it play out. Take yourself out of the cockpit and switch to auto pilot for a bit. It'll give intuition a chance to kick in.... go have some fun with the guy.

Good idea. I suppose I am thinking a bit too much about it at this stage.

Does it really come across as me complicating things? I haven't been with anyone in ages and haven't been dating much, so I'm a little rusty when it comes to all this.

[AllTogetherNow]

i dunno, i think there's something to be said for a visceral reaction of either being physically attracted to someone, or not. and even more so here, since the smoking is a big turnoff for you -

when it's clear that the guy is way into the sexual aspect and you're not, (for me at least) that's an uncomfortable place to be. makes it difficult to just date and hang out when ya KNOW they already want some - and you know you're not at all interested in them in that way. i don't much like being in that situation, with that kinda expectation hanging in the air.

and in the interest of full disclosure - yeh, it's a pet peeve of mine that some people are so quick to wanna rush into bed. Geez, how bout let's just chill and hang, get to know me a bit first, and then i'll know if i wanna go there? urgh.

so yeh - if i was in your position i'd be thinking on it a bit too, before goin whole-hog into dating the person..... especially if it's already at that point and you're already uncomfortable with it.


.

[MightySunTzu]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Does it really come across as me complicating things?

Hey there Elucidate.

Not in my opinion. It actually isn't a simple situation because some of the things that are important to you are not in place. I have taken the liberty of breaking down the pros and cons from what you have said into list form and made a few of my own observations.

Pros:

Strong connection like you've been good friends for many years.

Have lots of fun together.

intellectual and emotional compatibility, able to easily understand eachother and have empathy

your words:, "he is probably very good for me"

exceptionally good personality

same line of work in common and able to help you with your business

stunning and totally cool pad, bathroom that you'd like to live in .


Cons:

Not sure if you are attracted to him physically/sexually preferring younger guys with younger bodies and he's about 20 years older than you. (This is probably your biggest issue to figure out. It's possible to become more physically attracted to him as you get to know him better or it's possible that this is the ultimate deal breaker).

Smokes cigarettes, huge turnoff

Smokes pot and you don't want to get drawn into this. (You can choose not to do it yourself, but maybe his habit in itself is a problem for you?).

very passive in deciding what to do together, turn off in previous relationship (i see this as an extremely minor issue that can very easily be resolved with good communication. if you let him know how important it is to you that he gets more involved in this, i believe he would probably step up and get it done.)

His bisexuality? (... not sure from what you said if you perceive this and whatever it entails as a con.)

possible propensity for being cheap as in dip for lebanese bread (... or possibly this was a misunderstanding and you might have read him wrong... also something perhaps worth talking about, keeping it light, like "what was that look all about when i suggested we get dip with the bread you freak? ".)

****************

All the best as you decide what to do.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by AllTogetherNow

i dunno, i think there's something to be said for a visceral reaction of either being physically attracted to someone, or not. and even more so here, since the smoking is a big turnoff for you -

when it's clear that the guy is way into the sexual aspect and you're not, (for me at least) that's an uncomfortable place to be. makes it difficult to just date and hang out when ya KNOW they already want some - and you know you don't. i don't much like being in that situation, with that kinda expectation hanging in the air.

if i was in your position i'd be thinking on it a bit too, before goin whole-hog into dating the person..... especially if it's already at that point and you're already uncomfortable with it.

and in the interest of full disclosure - yeh, it's a pet peeve of mine that some people are so quick to wanna rush into bed. Geez, how bout let's just chill and hang, get to know me a bit first, and then i'll know if i wanna go there? urgh.

.

Thankyou finally, for some empathic input.

He hasn't really been pressuring me as such, but I think he does expect it will happen at some point. He asked me if I was attracted to him, and I had trouble answering.

I said that I enjoyed his touch and cuddling with him and felt good in his presence, but I think I left it intentionally vague, as I was having trouble really saying the truth about it.

This might be where I need to rectify the situation and just talk to him about it.

He knows I find smoking gross and now he knows I find too much passivity a turn off as well...AND, he saw me salivate over this young guy we saw in a newspaper article who was just so...lickable.(;

I don't expect him to change his habits for me or anything, so I think it's probably a good thing to talk to him about it and just make some sort of definition of the relationship at this stage...I seem to need that right now.

[AllTogetherNow]

I don't expect him to change his habits for me or anything

right. of course not. All you can do is make a choice whether or not he's right for you, just as he is.

does expect it will happen at some point.

yah - that kinda expectation is assuming facts not yet in evidence. it's exactly that unspoken expectation that makes me uncomfortable in this kinda situation.

I agree with you that a chat is in order..... it might be that the 'strong connection' isn't meant to be a romantic or sexual one, but might take a different form.

although for me, personally - i think if someone started this kinda stuff with me after only three says, and/or asking if i'm attracted to him - i'd be heading for the hills. URGH. dude! trust me, if i am, when the time is right you will KNOW it!

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by MightySunTzu

Hey there Elucidate.

Hi SunTzu. Thankyou for your input here and for taking the time to really set it out in a way that I can clearly look at it. I guess I could have thought of doing this myself, so I am grateful that you did it for me.

Not in my opinion. It is actually isn't a simple situation because some of the things that are important to you are not in place. I have taken the liberty of breaking down the pros and cons from what you have said into list form and made a few of my own observations.

This is what I thought as well. It's not just a clear thing...there are definite things I want and don't want that are already showing up here, so it's important to work it out before getting involved in any further way.

Pros:

Strong connection like you've been good friends for many years.

Have lots of fun together.

intellectual and emotional compatibility, able to easily understand eachother and have empathy

your words:, "he is probably very good for me"

exceptionally good personality

same line of work in common and able to help you with your business

stunning and totally cool pad, bathroom that you'd like to live in .

Yes, all this is the good stuff for sure.

Cons:

Not sure if you are attracted to him physically/sexually preferring younger guys with younger bodies and he's about 20 years older than you. (This is probably your biggest issue to figure out. It's possible to become more physically attracted to him as you get to know him better or it's possible that this is the ultimate deal breaker).

It's not the deal breaker as such, and it's possible that I will become more attracted to him in time, so I don't want to just close off to that possibility.

I never was into 'types' so much, but these days I'm just really into young guys, and in my line of work that has become very clear to me, as I see all types of body shapes and sizes and men.

Smokes cigarettes, huge turnoff

Yes, and not something I'm really willing to compromise on anymore. It's a deal breaker, though if he chose to quit and was serious, I would support him throughout it in any way I could...I just wouldn't be with him while he was.

Smokes pot and you don't want to get drawn into this. (You can choose not to do it yourself, but maybe his habit in itself is a problem for you?).

Yes true, I don't have to smoke with him...it's just that I don't fully trust myself not to, if that makes sense. I smoked weed for many years and if I'm enjoying myself with a person and I smoke with them on occasion, it isn't a problem, but as a lifestyle, I really don't want to get back into it. I find it boring after a while and I already have issues with motivating myself, which pot does not help with.

I don't have so much of a problem with him having it as a habit. He takes it medicinally for issues he's had after a motorcycle accident years ago, and so far he has not displayed any aggro characteristics that I have found people I've known in the past who smoke a lot of weed, have...

very passive in deciding what to do together, turn off in previous relationship (i see this as an extremely minor issue that can very easily be resolved with good communication)

Yes, I don't think it's a really big thing either, but it pricked my ears up since my last boyfriend was like this and I really hated that.

His bisexuality? (... not sure from what you said if you perceive this and whatever it entails as a con.)

Oh, it's a pro, for sure.

possible propensity for being cheap as in dip for lebanese bread (... or possibly this was a misunderstanding and you might have read him wrong... also something perhaps worth talking about, keeping it light, like "what was that look all about when i suggested we get dip with the bread you freak".)

I did talk about it with him with this connotation, and after our munchie date last night that turned out to be lame because of several factors, he agreed that he should have just bought the damn dip.

****************

All the best as you decide what to do.

Thankyou very much.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by AllTogetherNow

right. of course not. All there is for you to do, is make a choice about whether or not he's for you, just as he is.

Yep.

yah - that kinda expectation is assuming facts not yet in evidence. it's exactly that unspoken expectation that makes me uncomfortable in this kinds of situation.

as for me, personally - i think if someone started asking if i'm attracted to him i'd be heading for the hills. URGH.
dude! trust me, if i am, when the time is right you will KNOW it!

It makes me a little uncomfortable as well.

I can see that he might just want to make sure he is reading me right, but being asked that leaves me in a position I'd rather not be in. If I was highly attracted to him, I'd be all over him by now.

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Good idea. I suppose I am thinking a bit too much about it at this stage.

Does it really come across as me complicating things? I haven't been with anyone in ages and haven't been dating much, so I'm a little rusty when it comes to all this.

Not at all....its just that we can talk ourselves out of things by overthinking them....who knows where it could go......

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by nothuman

Not at all....its just that we can talk ourselves out of things by overthinking them....who knows where it could go......

Ah, gotcha.

I'm prone to over thinking on things, so it's best not to.

[AllTogetherNow]

and conversely, sometimes we jump into things without thinking --

and then all of a sudden we're caught up into something and realize too late - D'oh! - i never shoulda gotten myself into this, WHAT the hell was i thinking??

i have to say nowadays i do tend to give things some thought; i used to be ALL impulse, but i've trained myself now to slow my roll and think a bit, without becoming obsessively analytical.

and of course, there's a healthy balance between impulsivity and overthinking... which is, i think, where you're now treading, elucidate

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Ah, gotcha.

I'm prone to over thinking on things, so it's best not to.

E....we all do......sometimes we all need to chill and let the universe take us along........must be in one of my reflective moods......

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by AllTogetherNow

and conversely, sometimes we jump into things without thinking --

and then all of a sudden we're caught up into something and realize too late - D'oh! - i never shoulda gotten myself into this, WHAT the hell was i thinking??

Haha...true.

i have to say nowadays i do tend to give things some thought; i used to be ALL impulse, but i've trained myself now to slow my roll and think a bit, without becoming obsessively analytical.

and of course, there's a healthy balance between impulsivity and overthinking... which is, i think, where you're now treading, elucidate

I was sooooooo impulsive in my youth, so yeah, I'm treading more on the side of 'get to know you first before getting sweaty witcha'. now

It's nice to hear some confirmation that I am more balanced about it these days. It's reassuring.

[BillyTheAdult]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Thanks for the helpful input. I hope you feel better for expressing your frustration about women in my thread Billy.

Sorry, this was supposed to tongue in cheek, but I guess it's hard to read over the internet.

I do think everything I said, but the comments were not all in a frustrated, taking it personally, angry at women for not loving me kind of way. More like kinda just ribbin ya, but while giving my honest opinion too. I remember rawxstasy just had that thread like a week ago about not being sure about this guy and listing all these potential problems and he had not even ever asked her out. I mean we here at the forums have big tendency to talk about certain teachings but when it comes to applying them it gets hard to actually do it or to remember to do it in the heat of the moment.

Just go with it, only deal with problems as they actually arise. Right now they only exist in your head. I mean show me where there is an actual physical problem, they are being created as you verbalize them into reality. There is a guy, and girl, and they enjoy spending time with one another, and that's all there is to it really. All this rest of this stuff seems like basically superficial, surface level stuff, not really important in the grand scheme (read the objections are superficial not you are superficial.) One of two things wil happen: They will fall by they wayside as a great relationship develops, or it will become an impassable roadblock and you'll know it when that happens, not point in worrying about it until then, nothing ventured nothing gained.

So this is not about my frustration with women, it's about making the choice that is open to life, to saying yes, to possibility, to taking a chance and stepping into the unknown, going with the option opens doors instead of putting up walls, refusing fear (which is what this all essentially boils sown to) refusing stagnation, refusing excuse making. This is a PD forum and here, you are presented with an opportunity that has the potential for massive development...take it.


Choose life

[Agota]

I don't think that you're over thinking it. I think that it's wise to take time to think things through before getting emotionally attached, since most of us know how fun it is to find yourself in a wrong relationship with a person you're very attached to. This is why I think that advice "just date him and see how it goes" is wrong in your case, because when you have doubts, getting more attached emotionally is not the best thing to do. "Just dating" is so 9th grade

I got an impression that although you're not really attracted to him in that way, you're trying to rationalize yourself into dating him because he seems to be a decent guy. I might be wrong, though

Truth be told, three main problems you've mentioned in your original post would be total deal breakers to me.

In my opinion, sexual attraction is a big part of what makes a romantic relationship a romantic relationship instead of a friendship. Dating a guy who you are not feeling sexually attracted to spells trouble in my eyes. It's not a big issue in the beginning of a relationship, but sooner or later he'll start trying to seal the deal and you'll either have to either keep rejecting him or sleep with him without an attraction. Neither option sounds great to me, because constantly rejecting him will create more and more conflict in a relationship and sleeping with him without proper attraction will probably make you unhappy and uncomfortable. Also, in your individual situation, it's more complicated, because, well, he's not getting any younger, is he? Obviously, this is only my prediction of how a situation might play out and I might be wrong, but one way or another, lack of sexual attraction is something that's worth considering before getting into a relationship.

However, as someone pointed out, you might become more attracted to him as the time passes by, although dating someone with hopes of becoming attracted to him sometime in the future doesn't seem to be very wise to me.

Also, I can hear you on passivity. I've been with a guy who was very passive and although it might come off as caring in the beginning, it turns annoying and plain draining later. Now I really have an allergy for "You decide, honey" type of guys. Assuming you've had a similar experience, I suggest you to try to find out if his indecisiveness is just him trying to be nice during the first few dates or is it a character trait. In case it's the former, a simple conversation might help, but if it's the latter, especially at his age, well.. In my eyes, starting a relationship with the hopes that he will change is an empty pursuit, therefore it's worth thinking whether you're willing to have a passive partner or not.

The same thing applies to smoking: it's really not worth it to expect him to stop smoking just because of you, therefore it's up to you to decide whether you are willing to have a partner who's a smoker or not. I think it's a serious thing to think about, especially when you don't want to start smoking weed again and you know that dating a smoker might be a bad influence to you. Don't let people to tell you that this is not an important factor or whatever: smoking tells a lot about a person and his values, putting the obvious sex appeal of kissing a smoker aside. I personally don't date any guys who smoke OR drink alcohol, so you're not alone

Anyway, my main thought on this topic is that I think it would be wise for you to try to predict how this relationship might play out, basing your prediction on what you already know about him (as opposed to hopes that he will change in the direction that you want) and then ask yourself would that be a relationship that you want?

I know that my post doesn't seem to be very supportive towards the idea of dating that guy, but these are my thoughts about the issues you've mentioned in the original post and how they may play out in the long run. I mean, from my point of view, all the pros seems to say "He'd be a great friend" as opposed to "He's the right man", meanwhile all the cons seems to be deal breakers or close to it. Anyway, that's just my two cents

[ssandra]

He sounds like an amazing friend and maybe even a good friend with benefits.

however, he doesn't sound like someone you could be in love with, definitely not long term.

[GaryMichaels]

Hi elucidate

First of all, there are two major things that stand out to me in your new relationship. The age gap (of twenty years) and the smoking (weed in particular.) As a former smoker myself I know how hard it is to quit. I quit alcohol and cocaine but quitting smoking was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Luckily I had a very kind and caring woman that helped me achieve this but as she pointed out to me, I had to want to quit and realise the damage it was doing to my body. If you are willing to help your new boyfriend quit smoking perhaps a good start would be explaining the damage it does to his body but I would suggest you let him know that you don’t appreciate him smoking first.

I used to have a few friends that smoke marijuana and I would be lying if I said I have never touched it myself but that was when I was younger and I know better now. Are you willing to be arrested and charged with the possession of weed if somebody catches him because that is what could happen if he was reported to the Police? You live in Australia like me (I don’t know what state) but in the last three years I have watched five people I know charged with possession and in three similar cases their wives and girlfriends were charged too and they never smoked weed in their entire lives.

The point being if you intend on pursuing a serious relationship with this man you need to be willing to accept the responsibilities that come with being with a pot smoker.

As for the age difference, my Fiancée is three and a half years older than me which is nothing really but you are talking about twenty years and that is a huge gap to consider in the long run. When you are fifty your boyfriend is going to be seventy. This is something I honestly believe you some spend some time thinking about because you can’t deny that the age difference might possibly be an issue when you get older. One of my Mother’s friends got married to a bloke that was eighteen years older than her and they recently got a divorce because she said he had become a boring old fart.

I'm definitely not saying this is going to happen to your relationship but just some food for thought.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Agota

I don't think that you're over thinking it. I think that it's wise to take time to think things through before getting emotionally attached, since most of us know how fun it is to find yourself in a wrong relationship with a person you're very attached to. This is why I think that advice "just date him and see how it goes" is wrong in your case, because when you have doubts, getting more attached emotionally is not the best thing to do. "Just dating" is so 9th grade

Thankyou for the re-assurance. I don't think I'm over thinking either, and that the things I am thinking about are perfectly reasonable concerns at this stage.

I got an impression that although you're not really attracted to him in that way, you're trying to rationalize yourself into dating him because he seems to be a decent guy. I might be wrong, though

Possibly? I realized last night that he really reminds me of an old boyfriend from years ago...in many ways. I sometimes think we attract people who remind us of people from our past as a way to try and resolve old stuff. Being aware of it is a way of dealing without needing to get into anything heavy with someone it may not be right for you to get involved with.

I also took note of when he stated that he tends to attract "damaged" women to him, and said that it might be a bit harsh to say it that way...clearly indicating that he considers me to be "damaged".

In my opinion, sexual attraction is a big part of what makes a romantic relationship a romantic relationship instead of a friendship. Dating a guy who you are not feeling sexually attracted to spells trouble in my eyes. It's not a big issue in the beginning of a relationship, but sooner or later he'll start trying to seal the deal and you'll either have to either keep rejecting him or sleep with him without an attraction.

I agree. I do keep in mind that it's possible I will grow more attracted to him as time goes on, as I have heard people say has happened to them. I think this is possible, but I don't think it's going to happen that way in this case.

I think our relationship is more on a close friendship level, and the sex thing isn't somewhere I really want to take it. Today he spoke openly about how he felt, which was frustrated that I did not seem to be responding to his attempts to get closer to me by cuddling and being affectionate with me. I know that I have been deliberately not cuddling with him, when he has tried to, which baffles me a little, as I have been deprived of cuddle buddies for a very long time now and have really needed cuddles and affection. It seems with him though, that although I do feel very comfortable with him, and it's crazy how deep our 'relationship' has grown in just a few days...it really feels like we have known each other for years and everything is easy between us...except the affection thing, on my part?

I'm not at the stage where I'm thinking there is anything 'wrong' with me for not responding to him in the way he would like...and I said to him this morning, after he kinda angered me with his expression of frustration and harshness, saying that I have " only just" been affectionate, when I said that I thought I had been as affectionate as I felt comfortable with at the time.

Apparently his needs aren't being met and I am not affectionate enough for him! From where I stand, I know I can seem this way initially, but I think it is more a case of just not feeling totally comfortable even though I do feel very comfortable and at ease with him. I trust him with my body, and I said to him that it's possible that the sheer amount of time being without cuddles and affection, has possibly affected my ability to switch to cuddle mode, as I have become quite used to not having affection? I don't entirely know if this is THE reason, but I think it's a factor.

The implication was that I am an unaffectionate person, although he didn't say those exact words, and I am wary of putting words into his mouth, but what else can I think when he has expressed that he is not getting his needs met?

I told him I am not obliged to meet his needs, in any way and if that is what he is expecting then we need to talk about it in more depth, because it isn't true. He apologized for 'making me angry' and walked me out, later texting me to clarify that he was just expressing where he was at...which is fine, and I respect that he cares enough to do that. Still, telling me I am barely affectionate enough to meet his needs, was a little harsh for only knowing each other a week (regardless of how it feels like years or not.)

Neither option sounds great to me, because constantly rejecting him will create more and more conflict in a relationship and sleeping with him without proper attraction will probably make you unhappy and uncomfortable. Also, in your individual situation, it's more complicated, because, well, he's not getting any younger, is he? Obviously, this is only my prediction of how a situation might play out and I might be wrong, but one way or another, lack of sexual attraction is something that's worth considering before getting into a relationship.

I agree.

I have said that I don't feel that inclined to have sex with him, even though he wants to be sexual with me. He was ok with that.

However, as someone pointed out, you might become more attracted to him as the time passes by, although dating someone with hopes of becoming attracted to him sometime in the future doesn't seem to be very wise to me.

Yes, I'm not going to go with an attitude of hoping it might happen, but I will remain open to the possibility that it could!

Also, I can hear you on passivity. I've been with a guy who was very passive and although it might come off as caring in the beginning, it turns annoying and plain draining later. Now I really have an allergy for "You decide, honey" type of guys. Assuming you've had a similar experience, I suggest you to try to find out if his indecisiveness is just him trying to be nice during the first few dates or is it a character trait. In case it's the former, a simple conversation might help, but if it's the latter, especially at his age, well.. In my eyes, starting a relationship with the hopes that he will change is an empty pursuit, therefore it's worth thinking whether you're willing to have a passive partner or not.

Ah, someone who knows what I'm talking about.

The "you decide, honey" thing is such a turn off for me, I can't even begin to describe how much. I did say to him that he was being really passive, at the time, after he tried to say I was being "too nice" and should just decide for us both, which was said in a way which put me off balance a bit...making it out to be just me, when I think it was him as well...and spoke up about it! He acknowledged that he was being passive, with a nod. I'm not all together sure if it is a learned habit from his last relationship, or whether that's just him? Either way, it's a turn off.

He did give a clue earlier in the day when he spoke about an ex of his who always was taking the lead and he seemed to be happy to follow along...which I said nothing at the time about, but did silently take note of in my head.

The same thing applies to smoking: it's really not worth it to expect him to stop smoking just because of you, therefore it's up to you to decide whether you are willing to have a partner who's a smoker or not. I think it's a serious thing to think about, especially when you don't want to start smoking weed again and you know that dating a smoker might be a bad influence to you. Don't let people to tell you that this is not an important factor or whatever: smoking tells a lot about a person and his values, putting the obvious sex appeal of kissing a smoker aside. I personally don't date any guys who smoke OR drink alcohol, so you're not alone

As far as I'm concerned, it's not my place to try and change anyone, and he is too old and set in his ways to let some girl come in and change him anyway.

I don't expect him to change for me, and in that respect I have always been of the attitude that I can just go find someone who doesn't smoke. No man is so amazing that I can't find someone equally as great, or better, somewhere else. I do enjoy his presence and personality immensely, and we have stuff in common, but the smoking thing really is a deal breaker for me. I've put up with it in the past and I just don't want to do that anymore. I have let him know that I find it disgusting, but have not put any pressure on him to quit or anything. I let people be for the most part.

Anyway, my main thought on this topic is that I think it would be wise for you to try to predict how this relationship might play out, basing your prediction on what you already know about him (as opposed to hopes that he will change in the direction that you want) and then ask yourself would that be a relationship that you want?

Thanks. I will think about this later on when I'm journaling and about to sleep.

I know that my post doesn't seem to be very supportive towards the idea of dating that guy, but these are my thoughts about the issues you've mentioned in the original post and how they may play out in the long run. I mean, from my point of view, all the pros seems to say "He'd be a great friend" as opposed to "He's the right man", meanwhile all the cons seems to be deal breakers or close to it. Anyway, that's just my two cents

That's ok. I'm not necessarily looking for people to push me one way or the other, just honest feedback so I can get clearer about how I feel, so in that respect, you've helped immensely.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by ssandra

He sounds like an amazing friend and maybe even a good friend with benefits.

however, he doesn't sound like someone you could be in love with, definitely not long term.

I think so too. He is in the same biz as me right now, so he has been immensely helpful in having someone who is non-judgemental and knows the biz to be able to debrief with after work...and learn more from, as he has been doing it much longer than I have.

He has also taught me cranio-fascial tips that have already been really effective on him, with his ailments.

I agree though, I'm not in love with him and I don't see our relationship heading that way...as much as I would love to be in love again. It has to be with the right person, and I can't pretend just for the sake of wanting that experience again.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by GaryMichaels

Hi elucidate

First of all, there are two major things that stand out to me in your new relationship. The age gap (of twenty years) and the smoking (weed in particular.) As a former smoker myself I know how hard it is to quit. I quit alcohol and cocaine but quitting smoking was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Luckily I had a very kind and caring woman that helped me achieve this but as she pointed out to me, I had to want to quit and realise the damage it was doing to my body. If you are willing to help your new boyfriend quit smoking perhaps a good start would be explaining the damage it does to his body but I would suggest you let him know that you don’t appreciate him smoking first.

My friend is in his late 50's...he knows the harm smoking does to the body. I don't need to tell him, and I don't want to push the quitting thing onto him. I believe people will quit when they are really ready to, and it should be about them wanting to respect their bodies more, not just to please me!

He knows that I find smoking yuck and I have considered telling him that the main reason I don't want to cuddle with him is because I don't want to breath in the smell on his clothes and from his mouth. I am having trouble being that honest with him right now.

I used to have a few friends that smoke marijuana and I would be lying if I said I have never touched it myself but that was when I was younger and I know better now. Are you willing to be arrested and charged with the possession of weed if somebody catches him because that is what could happen if he was reported to the Police? You live in Australia like me (I don’t know what state) but in the last three years I have watched five people I know charged with possession and in three similar cases their wives and girlfriends were charged too and they never smoked weed in their entire lives.

Honestly, that's not something I am too worried about. He is quite discreet.

It could happen, but he's been doing it for many years now and has not had any trouble. Besides which, just knowing him, I'm quite sure he would not allow me to go down for his own habit, if it were to come to that. I'm not his girlfriend anyway...and I don't really see myself in that role right now.

It's funny that your friends were charged like that when they don't even smoke. Are you in Queensland? In Melbourne, I never hear of people I know being charged, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen to others.

The point being if you intend on pursuing a serious relationship with this man you need to be willing to accept the responsibilities that come with being with a pot smoker.

I've smoked weed since I was 19, believe me, I know the risks and the responsabilities. I quit smoking weed when I was 21 and have only smoked it on occasion thereafter, so it's not something I do as a lifestyle choice, just a once in a while 'treat' to break up my normal rhythmns. I do admit I'm not too happy about the amount of weed I have smoked int he last few days since we realized we had this amazing connection though, and I really don't want to make it a habit. It is his habit...I want to be me and say 'not interested' when I'm really not.

As for the age difference, my Fiancée is three and a half years older than me which is nothing really but you are talking about twenty years and that is a huge gap to consider in the long run. When you are fifty your boyfriend is going to be seventy. This is something I honestly believe you some spend some time thinking about because you can’t deny that the age difference might possibly be an issue when you get older. One of my Mother’s friends got married to a bloke that was eighteen years older than her and they recently got a divorce because she said he had become a boring old fart.

He is quite a playful person, and even though his appearance gives his age away, and I have never been ageist in the sense that I don't think age difference is a big problem for the most part, it's more that I don't really want to inherit someone with a list of health conditions based around his current habits and past accidents with the motorcycle, which have left him with constant headaches and other ailments.

It is also true that I'm just not that attracted to him. I am more into younger men physically, at my stage in life, though I see him as good for me in other ways.

He has admitted that he gets really into young girls, like between 17 and 24, (which I realize is a taboo subject with many people.)...and I do look much younger than I am in real life, so I'm sure that has been a turn on for him, unfortunately, it's not a turn on for me to be with an older man anymore. It was when I was 21 though.

I'm sure he will not be too happy with this when I speak to him about it, but he is mature enough to accept it!

I'm definitely not saying this is going to happen to your relationship but just some food for thought.

I appreciate it, thankyou.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by BillyTheAdult

Sorry, this was supposed to tongue in cheek, but I guess it's hard to read over the internet.

I do think everything I said, but the comments were not all in a frustrated, taking it personally, angry at women for not loving me kind of way. More like kinda just ribbin ya, but while giving my honest opinion too. I remember rawxstasy just had that thread like a week ago about not being sure about this guy and listing all these potential problems and he had not even ever asked her out. I mean we here at the forums have big tendency to talk about certain teachings but when it comes to applying them it gets hard to actually do it or to remember to do it in the heat of the moment.

Just go with it, only deal with problems as they actually arise. Right now they only exist in your head. I mean show me where there is an actual physical problem, they are being created as you verbalize them into reality. There is a guy, and girl, and they enjoy spending time with one another, and that's all there is to it really. All this rest of this stuff seems like basically superficial, surface level stuff, not really important in the grand scheme (read the objections are superficial not you are superficial.) One of two things wil happen: They will fall by they wayside as a great relationship develops, or it will become an impassable roadblock and you'll know it when that happens, not point in worrying about it until then, nothing ventured nothing gained.

So this is not about my frustration with women, it's about making the choice that is open to life, to saying yes, to possibility, to taking a chance and stepping into the unknown, going with the option opens doors instead of putting up walls, refusing fear (which is what this all essentially boils sown to) refusing stagnation, refusing excuse making. This is a PD forum and here, you are presented with an opportunity that has the potential for massive development...take it.


Choose life

Thankyou for your input Billy.

I don't feel like you totally get where I'm coming from here,, although I can understand why you see it the way you do given previous threads that I have started which expressed fears of being intimate with someone in a relationship again. I concede that this may be a factor in this case, though I think it is much more than fear of intimacy.

It seems like you have perceived my OP in a way that isn't quite what I was trying to convey, which may be a case of me not communicating it well enough, OR, it might be that you didn't read my post well enough, and interpret it the way I meant...as others here did? I never said there were any problems for one, as you seem to think I am bringing up here. I do not consider these concerns of mine to be problems as such, and they are not in my head, they are real concerns that are deal breakers for me.

I think I have already displayed that I am open to the possibility of something happening between us here, and I am gaining clarity about certain things, that, whilst you consider them to be superficial and not that important, they are important to me, and they ARE deal breakers that I have learned are not what I want in a man or a relationship from past partners.

[GaryMichaels]

Originally Posted by elucidate

My friend is in his late 50's...he knows the harm smoking does to the body. I don't need to tell him, and I don't want to push the quitting thing onto him. I believe people will quit when they are really ready to, and it should be about them wanting to respect their bodies more, not just to please me!

He knows that I find smoking yuck and I have considered telling him that the main reason I don't want to cuddle with him is because I don't want to breath in the smell on his clothes and from his mouth. I am having trouble being that honest with him right now.



Honestly, that's not something I am too worried about. He is quite discreet.

It could happen, but he's been doing it for many years now and has not had any trouble. Besides which, just knowing him, I'm quite sure he would not allow me to go down for his own habit, if it were to come to that. I'm not his girlfriend anyway...and I don't really see myself in that role right now.

It's funny that your friends were charged like that when they don't even smoke. Are you in Queensland? In Melbourne, I never hear of people I know being charged, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen to others.



I've smoked weed since I was 19, believe me, I know the risks and the responsabilities. I quit smoking weed when I was 21 and have only smoked it on occasion thereafter, so it's not something I do as a lifestyle choice, just a once in a while 'treat' to break up my normal rhythmns. I do admit I'm not too happy about the amount of weed I have smoked int he last few days since we realized we had this amazing connection though, and I really don't want to make it a habit. It is his habit...I want to be me and say 'not interested' when I'm really not.



He is quite a playful person, and even though his appearance gives his age away, and I have never been ageist in the sense that I don't think age difference is a big problem for the most part, it's more that I don't really want to inherit someone with a list of health conditions based around his current habits and past accidents with the motorcycle, which have left him with constant headaches and other ailments.

It is also true that I'm just not that attracted to him. I am more into younger men physically, at my stage in life, though I see him as good for me in other ways.

He has admitted that he gets really into young girls, like between 17 and 24, (which I realize is a taboo subject with many people.)...and I do look much younger than I am in real life, so I'm sure that has been a turn on for him, unfortunately, it's not a turn on for me to be with an older man anymore. It was when I was 21 though.

I'm sure he will not be too happy with this when I speak to him about it, but he is mature enough to accept it!

I appreciate it, thankyou.

You're welcome

I believe the best thing you can do now is be honest with him in a vague but gentle way. The longer you hesitate the more damaging it could be to your relationship. You wrote you are not in love with him but is he in love with you? I think if you just want to be his friend you need to have a serious talk to him about this before things become any further complicated? It depends on what point you are in your life now and if you are willing to settle for a fun but unloving relationship or find that right person you could have an amazing relationship with?

It’s your decision but don’t let that opportunity pass you by

I have the type of relationship with Hailey I always wanted to have with another woman but I know how lucky I am to have it because I see so many of our friends settle for relationships that are purely based on physical attraction and not emotional attraction which fell apart. In my experience you need to have both or it won’t work. Somebody will wind up unhappy down the track and regret not leaving their partner when they had the chance to. My parents used to fight all the time when I lived with them and even though they are still living together now they are more like friends.

You have read some of my other posts so you know that I am not exactly an expert on this field but I have been in two great relationships in my life (one which ended because my first girlfriend passed away and the other I am currently in now) and there was love in both of them. For some people like myself, it is not that hard to find the right person but for others it can take a lifetime. I hope you find that right person one day elucidate and if the guy you are with now is not him you should tell him.

I am not an ageist either but I have to admit I prefer older women over younger women on the basis that I couldn’t picture myself having anything in common with a girl under the age of twenty. One of my friends that have just turned twenty six is dating an eighteen year old who is in University and he constantly complains about the things she likes and how little they have in common. For example, he is into death metal while she loves Justin Beaver, Katy Perry and Rhianna. I am very open to genres of music and have a CD collection of over two thousand five hundred albums. I like rock, classic rock, AOR, power metal, glam metal, progressive metal, country, alt country, blues, jazz etc but hate pop.

In my opinion American pop music went downhill after the rise of boy bands and Eminem and Hailey shares the same opinion. There are a few that are okay but most of it just sounds the same as the past decade. It’s like the American music industry has just come to a halt on one prominent genre of music where in the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s the styles kept changing every decade. My daughter listens to the same bands her Mother likes such as the Dollyrots and she dislikes Justin Beaver and thank God for that. Maybe I'm just picky but I couldn't date a woman that only liked pop and rap.

It’s very likely most people won’t find a relationship where their partners have as much in common with them as Hailey and I do but at least try to find some things. You wrote this bloke works in the same field as you so at least you have one thing. Health problems can definitely be an issue going into a relationship but at least he has been honest with you about them. It doesn’t surprise me that he has a thing for girls around that age. I don’t think I ever mentioned this but before Hailey’s father passed away he was dating women younger than her and one of them was her best friend since the age of five which caused some major friction between them until he passed away.

I actually live in New South Wales and the police around my area are cracking down on a lot of problems and drug dealers have become a target. My Fiancée was born and raised in St Kilda and only moved to New South Wales with her Father after her parents got a divorce. Her best friend moved with her and it was lucky they did or I might have never have met her. She owns a beach house down there and we usually go there when our daughter is having school holidays.

Have you ever gone to see Rockwiz?

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by GaryMichaels

I believe the best thing you can do now is be honest with him in a vague but gentle way. The longer you hesitate the more damaging it could be to your relationship. You wrote you are not in love with him but is he in love with you? I think if you just want to be his friend you need to have a serious talk to him about this before things become any further complicated? It depends on what point you are in your life now and if you are willing to settle for a fun but unloving relationship or find that right person you could have an amazing relationship with?

I'm not sure if he is in love with me? I don't think so...but I don't know. I know he really likes me, and I like him as well.

I'm actually wondering after speaking with a female friend today if it is not just because of my new job that I am making myself more detached from physical contact than normal?

I hope you find that right person one day elucidate and if the guy you are with now is not him you should tell him.

Thankyou.

It’s very likely most people won’t find a relationship where their partners have as much in common with them as Hailey and I do but at least try to find some things. You wrote this bloke works in the same field as you so at least you have one thing. Health problems can definitely be an issue going into a relationship but at least he has been honest with you about them.

We do have some things in common, such as a love for Frank Zappa and massage. Yes, he has been honest with me, and he would have preferred to not have these things affecting him just when he has met someone he likes alot, but that's life.

It doesn’t surprise me that he has a thing for girls around that age. I don’t think I ever mentioned this but before Hailey’s father passed away he was dating women younger than her and one of them was her best friend since the age of five which caused some major friction between them until he passed away.

Yikes! I don't know what I'd do if my female friend got together with my father...that'd be weird!

Have you ever gone to see Rockwiz?

I've never even heard of Rockwiz, let alone gone to see it. What is Rockwiz?

[Lauxa]

I think you really like this guy and would greatly value him as a friend, but I don't think you can be "just friends" with this guy. Also, I think if you date him you'll keep smoking weed.

That is how I would place my bets, only time will tell of course.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

I think you really like this guy and would greatly value him as a friend, but I don't think you can be "just friends" with this guy. Also, I think if you date him you'll keep smoking weed.

That is how I would place my bets, only time will tell of course.

Yes, this is how it is.

I think I may have misunderstood things he said to me, as he has written me a lengthy message in reply to one I sent him the other day to try and sort through all this and express myself as well.

I think I need to sit down and talk about it with him soon, but I agree about the weed. I don't want to get back into that lifestyle. I have worked hard to feel my feelings and am not interested in numbing out anymore.

Thankyou Lauxa for your perceptive input.

[C33]

This is a very interesting journey. It looks like this person was brought on your path to clarify your needs and desires and help you strengthen your values.

From what you are describing, I find this man very weird.
The comment about attracting damaged women and insinuating in the process that you are damaged is, in my standards, a red flag. In truth, this man is damaged as well hysically damaged from his accident and he is keeping up damaging his body by smoking.

It's understandable that we all have baggage, but at his age, he should have dealt with it and worked on himself so that he can put the attracting damaged women in the past, and not push it into his present.

It's not so much how damaged you are and what kind of baggage you have but how you deal with it and what kind of person you become, in spite of your negative experiences.

I find the " I always attract XYZ" sentence, the sign that the person sees himself as a victim. However, you do say that he reminds you of an old boyfriend, so it seems that there are past issues emerging in that relationship.

Are you willing to enter a relationship to heal the issues of your past, as a learning experience? Or are you ready for something new.

I feel exactly the way you do about older men or even men in my demographics ( 40s). I much prefer younger men, because a man of experience doesn't necessarily equate interesting. There are men of bad experience, and men of good experience. There are also plenty of people who do not learn from their experience, or just have more years under their belt, it doesn't mean they had interesting experiences during those years, it just means they are older.

I also would be worried about becoming a nurse to that person. I find that men in that age range find it normal for a woman to take the part of the nurse.


Personally, I dislike people always going on about their health issues, and making their healthy issues part of who they are as a person. That might not be the case with this guy, but the fact he is bonding with you over curing his ailments and making you the healer...gives me a bad impression.

The fact that he is already forcing the issue of sex within a few days seems disrespectful. Do you feel physically threatened by him, like he creeps you out? I find that some men have a very predatory way of pushing physical contact.
You also said a while ago you are a very attractive woman, so I would be weary of him looking for a trophy, and needing to validate his manhood by sleeping with a beautiful woman, especially if there is a sense of him chasing you and winning you over.

He should give you some space and not forcing you to declare your attraction, or putting you on the spot like that.

The fact that you can't be as affectionate and cuddly as you want to, might be because you don't want the affection to veer into sex.

You seem to communicate that to him pretty clearly.

That's my impression from what you have shared so far.

What has helped me, in the past, is to put the intention out that I would get a strong sign that will give me the answer about whether to pursue a new connection or not. I have always received the sign within days, but didn't always act according to it.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by C33

This is a very interesting journey. It looks like this person was brought on your path to clarify your needs and desires and help you strengthen your values.

It does seem this way.

From what you are describing, I find this man very weird.
The comment about attracting damaged women and insinuating in the process that you are damaged is, in my standards, a red flag. In truth, this man is damaged as well hysically damaged from his accident and he is keeping up damaging his body by smoking.

You're not the first to say that you find him weird.

My counsellor said the same thing in regards to the red flag. He has acknowledged that it is his own issue, and admitted that stuff from his past is coming up, and yes, the smoking thing is an extension of that damage.

To his credit though, he did message me and acknowledged that what he said here was all HIS issues, and that he is the one who is damaged, so at least he admitted to that and owned it. It makes the red flag lower at least.

He is a Scorpio, and I find them to be self-destructive by nature. I have had one boyfriend who was a Scorpio, that was enough. I am wary of getting too involved with scorpios.

It's understandable that we all have baggage, but at his age, he should have dealt with it and worked on himself so that he can put the attracting damaged women in the past, and not push it into his present.

From what I gather of his story, he has only in recent years begun to get in touch with his feelings and process them, and I think the pot smoking is something he does to cope, even though it's not the best way to handle it.

There are things I still need to resolve with him in regards to that statement that he made. He wrote to me yesterday and seemed genuinely baffled that I took his words that way, but how else am I supposed to take it when he openly says, and these were his exact words; "I am attracted to damaged women! That probably sounds very harsh, so please don't take that the wrong way".

It's not so much how damaged you are and what kind of baggage you have but how you deal with it and what kind of person you become, in spite of your negative experiences.

Yes, I agree with this. He has spent many years working to heal from his injuries. I didn't really get the impression that he was going on about his injuries to me too much...they were just there, and he even apologized that he wasn't in a better state.

That's another thing with me. I seem to meet men with multiple health issues lately? Hmmm...I don't think I am back in the "rescuer" role that I used to take with past boyfriends as a teenager, but obviously it is something that is presenting itself now to me?

The last guy did have a bit of the victim thing going, but I didn't act like the nurse then, and I don't intend to this time either.

I find the " I always attract XYZ" sentence, the sign that the person sees himself as a victim. However, you do say that he reminds you of an old boyfriend, so it seems that there are past issues emerging in that relationship.

Yes, he actually reminds me of two boyfriends from my past rolled into one?

Are you willing to enter a relationship to heal the issues of your past, as a learning experience? Or are you ready for something new.

Interesting question?

I would rather heal my past issues some other way, if possible, without going through a relationship, but maybe this relationship is what I need to heal them?

I would like something new that isn't just a loop from the past that I'm creating from old patterns!

I feel exactly the way you do about older men or even men in my demographics ( 40s). I much prefer younger men, because a man of experience doesn't necessarily equate interesting. There are men of bad experience, and men of good experience. There are also plenty of people who do not learn from their experience, or just have more years under their belt, it doesn't mean they had interesting experiences during those years, it just means they are older.

Well, I do find him interesting, but I'm just not attracted to him that way. When I am around him though it's like we are best friends who have known each other for 20 years or something...which is really an unusual experience for me.

I do agree with what you are saying though, and I have met younger men who are way more interesting and wiser even than many older men.

I also would be worried about becoming a nurse to that person. I find that men in that age range find it normal for a woman to take the part of the nurse.

Yep. I spoke a bit about my attitude to this a couple of paragraphs above. It's not something I want to take on.

Personally, I dislike people always going on about their health issues, and making their healthy issues part of who they are as a person. That might not be the case with this guy, but the fact he is bonding with you over curing his ailments and making you the healer...gives me a bad impression.

To clarify, he hasn't been going on about his health issues, in fact he is slightly embarrassed that we met and he is in this condition.

Last night I went to dinner with him, and he was in a very strange space. His mood was morose, and he didn't know why, but I have been in those moods before, so I was able to just accept that that is where he was at, and admired that he is so willing to admit where he is at honestly.

I had to really re-direct the conversation so I wouldn't get sucked into his vortex of morosity. Mainly I succeeded I think. I see it as a challenge to maintain my own positive frame and not indulge with him, as he was wanting me to...unintentionally I'm sure.

I simply would say "I don't really want to speak about that" or "I don't feel like going there with you" when he would pose some really deep, morose question to me.

The fact that he is already forcing the issue of sex within a few days seems disrespectful. Do you feel physically threatened by him, like he creeps you out? I find that some men have a very predatory way of pushing physical contact.

I think I need to say that I don't feel that he has been forcing the issue of sex with me so much...it was more the cuddling that I felt pressured about. I expressed that to him, and he said he was sorry that expressing his feelings sounded like he was making a list of complaints, or that I felt pressured, as that was not his intention. I think he was being sincere about this.

He actually said to me in the recent message that he wasn't ready for sex with me either, so it appears that I may have looked too into that?

You also said a while ago you are a very attractive woman, so I would be weary of him looking for a trophy, and needing to validate his manhood by sleeping with a beautiful woman, especially if there is a sense of him chasing you and winning you over.

I'm aware of this with most men, definitely. It's the reason I have not been with anyone for ages, or actively seeking out a relationship with men.

I don't think these are his motivations though. I feel beautiful around him and can feel that he sees me, or at least that he is willing to and is interested in my story.

I could be wrong, but that's not the vibe I'm getting from him at all. I will keep my antennae up though, thanks.

He should give you some space and not forcing you to declare your attraction, or putting you on the spot like that.

It sounds like I am defending him here, but I really don't think he meant to do that.

I actually asked him what was going on for him...and he didn't lie or say something superficial...he said what was really going on for him...which was, that he felt frustrated that he wanted to get closer to me, and could sense that I was resisting this...which I was.

I had just woken up and was getting ready for work (and was still stoned), so I probably did take it the wrong way at the time? Still, I felt how I felt, so that is just as valid as what he felt.

I don't feel like he is pressuring me now, and last night he didn't try and cuddle me or push anything. We both weren't int he mood to resolve anything, so we just left it. It still needs to be discussed though, so when I am more clear headed and he is not so morose and fragile, then we will sit down and get to the bottom of it.

The fact that you can't be as affectionate and cuddly as you want to, might be because you don't want the affection to veer into sex.

You seem to communicate that to him pretty clearly.

That's my impression from what you have shared so far.

I think this is the main reason. I've had some issues with my sexuality, which I am working on. He has also mentioned that he has had some issues with sex as well, so it seems as though we were drawn together to heal these issues? I guess I am a little frightened? Not of him per say, but I think my issues surrounding sex are coming to the forefront lately...and my new job is a big part of that healing I think. It's interesting that he has the same issues, and is in the same line of work as me. We do have a lot in common and much to relate to right now.

He is a very intense and eccentric character. I don't think I know anyone in my circle of friends who isn't eccentric in some way

I think what you've said in this post is very relevant and spot on, and I want to take myself on a writing date today to a cafe and maybe journal some of this stuff and get clearer, but this has been a great help, thankyou.

What has helped me, in the past, is to put the intention out that I would get a strong sign that will give me the answer about whether to pursue a new connection or not. I have always received the sign within days, but didn't always act according to it.

That's a great idea...I think I will do this.