Wife Walked Out

[SaborWolf]

Okay, what I'm about to tell you is a pretty sad story... but it's mine.. so if anyone has advice or direction they can give me... that would be great.

I am an American & my wife/ex-wife is Spanish. I had been living in Spain for several years during our marriage. Almost 3 years ago we entered hard times when I lost my good paying job in Spain. From there... everything started to slip away.

I resorted to teaching English (which is always a good survival plan when in a developed country where English isn't the primary lang.). I was making decent money... BUT it is was very unstable. Eventually things got so bad that we had to leave where we were living in Spain & move in with my wife/ex-wife's mother.

Just a few short months before leaving to go & live with her... we became pregnant with out first child. We moved in to her mother's place & gave birth to an amazing boy. Soon after that, we couldn't make it where were because there was no work there, also.. and nothing was materializing.

So we made plans for us to go back to the States. We planned it.. and I left first. The plan was for her to come 3 months later (her idea, not mine), so I could get everything settled there.

Well... just as I flew out, about a week later, we discovered that her mother had lung cancer but we didn't know the prognosis yet. The doctors were hopeful, but we weren't getting quick answers as to the situation.

My wife left & came to the States, as planned. Well, on Thanksgiving day (2010, last year), she got a call from her family & they told her that her mother had less than 6 months of life, at best.

As for me, I just got my job & situation in the States stabilized. We were doing the immigration paperwork, though we started late... after the 90 day mark (because we simply didn't have the money to do the process before).

Well, my wife couldn't leave the country or she would screw up her entire situation with immigration, and possibly be banned from the U.S. for up to 6 years. So... she couldn't leave immediately.

We called the immigration everyday... many times a day to try to get an answer. But they wouldn't tell us anything & they were completely useless.

So she had already waited for a few weeks, by this time. So on the 31st of Dec. 2010, she flew out to be with her mother. While she was there.. I continued to work & I even had to support her, my boy, her mother & her expenses, and.. myself, of course.

And I did it.

But when she had left the country... we both knew that I would have to come over too... because she had messed up the process. So, I worked & saved as much as I could.. bought my ticket... to leave 3 months later to rejoin her back in Spain at her mother's house. Well 3 weeks before I had arrived, her mother died in her arms... gasping for for air because her lungs had apparently filled up with fluid, suddenly. The sad part was... she was showing miraculous signs in her treatment... even to the point that we started to believe she might live a few more years or more.

So the death was a shocker... and the way she died, holding my wife's hand & everything, and my wife was screaming & crying, the baby was right there... it was an absolute bombshell in some many ways.

When I had arrived, my wife was different. I could barely tell... but she was different. And we had suffered so much these past few years that it was difficult for either of us to be "sensitive" to each other's needs, though I did my best with her & her loss. And even... we had more to suffer because we couldn't financially make it there the last time... so the possibility of us making it now... WITHOUT her mother's help, was very unlikely.

Just before I had arrived to Spain & her mother's death... we had made plans that if things didn't work out for us in Spain.. we would head to China. It was HER IDEA that she convinced to accept. She had 2 job offers & I had even more. So it was quite feasible.

Well....

...one morning about 2 weeks after I had arrived, she told me that we were going to stay there, no matter what - in other words, job or no job !! And it wasn't a discussion... it was THE decision SHE made. And this is where it started...

I fought her on the idea... and she was fearless in the fight. 2 more weeks later, as we were going to bed, she told me as we were laying down... that she wanted a separation. I WAS BLOWN AWAY !!! Because we have always been a good marriage... a good team. But she said we had been fighting too much & she wanted me out of the house.

Well, the house was hers... because it was her mother's (even though it was a rental). I fought her on that... but it got to a point where I was threatened to be taken out by the police... ME, her husband & the father of OUR child !!

I had a summer job... and so did she... but after the summer, it was back to NO WORK. So she agreed to let me stay there, in a separate bedroom, until the summer was over... and then I had to get out.

Well, to cut this story shorter... after the summer, I had to leave because there was no work there & I definitely couldn't make it, paying for a whole nother household & half of my son & myself.

So here I am in China... without a wife, without my FIRST son.... and I seriously think I am losing my mind. And I'm NOT saying that like an expression. I feel like I am going absolutely nuts, right now. I am making money & I am able to support my son where I am now. But I feel like I'm in the twilight zone & my life has been stripped away from me... as if I have been wrongly accused & sent to prison.

I don't think I'll kill myself, or anything. But I have never known pain like this before. And somehow... she has taken her hurt that she feels from the loss of her mother... and placed it on me. Because I have never hit her, cheated on her, or even talked demoralizing to her. All I did was fight her when she started to flip out on our family plans. He mother LOVED me & everyone had always told me that I was a great husband to her. So... I completely don't get it !!!

So, I may not kill myself... but brother... believe me when I say... dying doesn't sound that bad, right now. Every second of my life feels like an hour.. and most of those hours are extremely painful.

So... I'd love to hear your thoughts. Sorry for the long story. This is actually only a 1/4 of it.. the important part. So... yeah... any thoughts ?

[Lynn 007]

HI SaborWolf.

You have been through so much. I am sorry to hear of your separation, the loss of your mother in law and not being able to see you son. That is heart-wrenching.

Death affects people in different ways and you are right. It appears your wife has taken her loss out on you. She needs to grieve and process this in her own way in her own timeline. I know that doesn't alleviate your pain right now but hopefully soon she will realize what she is putting you through isn't fair to you or your son.

Please allow yourself time to grieve also. Have a good cry, get angry - and then focus on how you can change your situation.

Sorry, I don't have more to offer but sending you a big virtual hug, doing this painful time in your life.

[The Cloud]

I don't have any advice to help you, except maybe for you to think about ways that you can help your wife. You can focus on how unfair the treatment you're receiving is and how awful your own problems are, but fairness is just a principle invented by people, not a physical law. God or the nature of the universe isn't going to work to help you in that respect, no matter how much you appeal to it.

One thing you can remember is that your wife is a woman you love, perhaps unconditionally. If it's not unconditional, then you can go on as you have been. If it is, then remember that you don't have to stop loving her just because she rejects you. You can still provide for her, even if all she needs is space and time. You can give these things willingly. There is no doubt that she is being unreasonable and unfair. Can you let that go and not take it personally, for the woman you love? Can you remember her suffering and what you can do for her, rather than what she's supposed to do for you?

I'm not advising you to be selfless; I'm advising you to be much more effectively selfish than you are being now. Don't love her for her sake, do it for your own. Love isn't something you give, it's something you keep for yourself to show other people. It's never bad for you, personally, to love anyone. I'm just advising you not to deny yourself.

[forgedFx]

SaborWolf,

It's important that you recognize this as a time to heal yourself. Lots of pain in your situation that you have to work with. As someone who came through the otherside I can tell you that it takes lots of inner work and forgiveness. And although you may not see it, it is a tremendous opportunity to redefine yourself. I believe in giving love to a person but not 100% of your heart. You need to keep 25% for yourself. With that 25% you invest in a dream that is bigger than you are. I'm not talking about the dream of material items but rather what you are passionate about in life. If you don't know now is the time to invest in you and find out. Try different things. Don't make your life just about all the things that must be done but what gets you going.

We often look for love in others more than we do in ourselves but it is there to the same capasity we open to it. I don't know how long ago it has been since all this ended but start looking to live your life and give yourself to it. Do things often to break your focus on this situation. Don't run from the pain but instead ask what lesson you need to take from it to ensure you don't go though it again.

The ultimate danger in any relationship is that we can loose ourselves so deeply that it feels like apart of us is gone, when it ends. But really all life is doing is asking you to turn your perspective inward and go deep within your soul. It wants you to come from a more authentic part of you, make a contribution to life itself.

Lastly In reading your words you refer to your ex as both your wife and your ex-wife. For the healing to begin, you have to start seeing the relationship as over. I know it sounds easier said than done but it is necessary in order for you to start moving on.

Remember one day at a time.

[SaborWolf]

I appreciate it, everyone. I had to cut the story as short as I could make it... but the loss of her isn't as hard as it has been with other girlfriends. I know that sounds bad.. but since we had been suffering for a good period of time... the "loving" feelings weren't felt by either one of us. And when you tie into the fact that she has done the worst thing possible to me.. and for no reason... than "loving" feelings isn't something that I have for her right now... though I do actually try to have them for her.

But I have always known that "loving" feelings come & go in a marriage. And I don't think she got that memo.

So whether the feelings are there or not.. I was dedicated to our marriage.

What I'm getting the feeling is that what she has unknowingly done is what they call "transference". She has transferred the pain of her mother's death unto me. Because her loss has effected her unlike anything I have ever seen in someone losing their father or mother. I mean, she didn't show signs of hurt... she just showed nothing... complete, cold, poker face. But her actions have been off-the-wall !!

But knowing what her mother meant to her... helps me to understand that she is really effected by losing her mother.

But how does this help me now ??? It doesn't... I just know, and that's it. It ends there.

I have been sending her "love letters" via email. And at first, she just said some of the hardest, most hurtful mean things to me. And I ignored those words in my repines (though it killed me to read such things)... and I just continue to show her love, the best way I can.

She keeps throwing in my face that I left Spain & her & the baby. The ironic part is that when I told her that I had continue on with the plan because there was no work there... she encouraged me. And now she wants to throw it in my face. How ironic is that ?!?!?!

And I don't know.. she is still as cold as ice towards me... and THERE'S NO REASON FOR IT !!! It would be different if I did something to deserve this. But I did NOTHING..... and she knows that too.

- - -

I can't say that I was lost in her.... as in losing my identity. We both are strong willed people. And so.. I can't say that applies. And I can't give up on her yet. And I would hope she would do the same for me if I just mentally flipped.

@Cloud & Lynn.... I appreciate that.. that was good advice.

[wanzulfikri]

I don't know what to say, your story really is...well, I don't know what to say.

I can just pray that god will help you and your wife. That's what I can do.

Sorry, SaborWolf.

[rawxstasy]

she was showing miraculous signs in her treatment... even to the point that we started to believe she might live a few more years or more

This happens often near death. The person will come out of a coma or will seem to improve a lot suddenly but there are actually very close to death when this happens. I used to work on a cancer floor and I saw this quite a bit.

I am sorry about what is going on. I think you need to give her time to grieve. It's sad that she won't let out any of her emotions. That can be harmful to her health. I think eventually she may come around. I think you also did the right thing by thinking first of how to provide for your family. I heard that Spain is very difficult right now for job prospects.

She keeps throwing in my face that I left Spain & her & the baby. The ironic part is that when I told her that I had continue on with the plan because there was no work there... she encouraged me.

Remind her of the lack of jobs and difficult financial situation you were in. Tell her you are doing your best to support her and your baby. I think she is just looking for a way to release her anger about her mother's death. When we lose someone dear to us, we feel many emotions not just sadness. I am thinking she is directing the anger she feels at God or whomever for her mother's death she is directing it to you.

[SaborWolf]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

she was showing miraculous signs in her treatment... even to the point that we started to believe she might live a few more years or more

This happens often near death. The person will come out of a coma or will seem to improve a lot suddenly but there are actually very close to death when this happens. I used to work on a cancer floor and I saw this quite a bit.

I am sorry about what is going on. I think you need to give her time to grieve. It's sad that she won't let out any of her emotions. That can be harmful to her health. I think eventually she may come around. I think you also did the right thing by thinking first of how to provide for your family. I heard that Spain is very difficult right now for job prospects.

She keeps throwing in my face that I left Spain & her & the baby. The ironic part is that when I told her that I had continue on with the plan because there was no work there... she encouraged me.

Remind her of the lack of jobs and difficult financial situation you were in. Tell her you are doing your best to support her and your baby. I think she is just looking for a way to release her anger about her mother's death. When we lose someone dear to us, we feel many emotions not just sadness. I am thinking she is directing the anger she feels at God or whomever for her mother's death she is directing it to you.

@ wanzulfikri: Thank you. My parents have said, basically, the same thing. My father even said... "Son, I would love to give you some piece of wisdom in a situation like this, but I don't know what to say." So no worries.. I get that a lot... lol

Prayers are appreciated. After a few years of going through the meat grinder... and than this... I have left go of my faith in God. And even I used to work in christian ministry, sadly enough. But a man can only go for so long until those "unanswered prayers" mount up too high to believe that if there's a "God" & that "He" loves me.

And I want to believe... I really do. But I don't have the strength to believe in God after this last hit. If "He's" real... "He's" going to have to make it real clear to me for me to believe this time around.

And I completely respect that you do believe. And I'm not attacking you, by no means. It's just... I wish I could join you in praying, but I can't. So thank you very much for your prayers.. sincerely, I mean that.

@ rawxstasy: Thank you. I completely agree with you. I believe she is transferring the pain she feels from losing her mother & attaching it to me somehow because when she started to make all these crazy change in plans to our family's future... AND I stood in her way. If they were half way sane plans, I would have probably worked with her on it. But what she was deciding to do was financial suicide, I couldn't just volunteer my family to be set up to eventually live under a bridge, ya know ?

I even talked to her today & when I told her that WE ARE FAMILY & that we need to stick together.... she threw in my face the fact that I was always seeking work in other locations, etc. And she still just doesn't get it... and soooo... wow.

Right now, she had 3 small jobs, lost 1 about a few weeks ago, and is working 2 small jobs, renting out rooms in her apartment, receiving money from me, and her sister (who lives on the island with her) is helping her financially, as well... just to survive. It's nuts... completely nuts.

I mean... wow... I hate to say I told her so, too... but... I was right. Staying there was a VERY bad idea, suffering from the loss of her mother or not. Life has to continue on.

So.. I don't know.

[The Cloud]

I think this is actually a really good experience for you to have. Whether you knew it or not, what you're experiencing now has been lurking in the foundations of your marriage from the beginning. I'm not talking about your wife and her craziness, I'm talking about you and yours. You say you haven't done anything wrong; wouldn't it be better if you HAD done something wrong and had been the cause of your fate, rather than a victim of it?

But you are the cause of your fate. You may not have tipped the dominoes, but you set them up. You laid the groundwork for this experience yourself, with unhealthy expectations and self-imposed delusions. This situation, both the actions of your wife and your reaction (which has the root word "action"), was implicit in your marriage from the beginning. Can you blame your wife for finally springing a trap that you set for yourself?

I'm not saying you made a mistake in marrying her. I'm saying that you expected and required the wrong things from her, things that she couldn't deliver. You don't accept your wife as she is; you only accepted her when she was as you needed her to be. What she needs is to be herself, without regard for what you need. The only need you have a right to expect her to fulfill is the need for her to be what she has to be. Having other requirements she can't fulfill doesn't just hurt her; it also hurts you.

Your responses so far are to cling to the past, trying to get back what you once had with love letters and phone calls, or to curse your fate and rant against the person you think is responsible for it. I say to forget about what you once had. What you once had turned into what you have now; that will happen again even if you get it back.

Your response should be to move forward and forge a new life with new relationships with your wife and son. You have a chance now to correct the mistakes and false expectations you had in the past. Forget what's supposed to be; focus on the opportunities that are. Make a relationship where your wife doesn't have to be anything she isn't in order for you to be happy with who she is.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by SaborWolf

I appreciate it, everyone. I had to cut the story as short as I could make it... but the loss of her isn't as hard as it has been with other girlfriends. I know that sounds bad.. but since we had been suffering for a good period of time... the "loving" feelings weren't felt by either one of us. And when you tie into the fact that she has done the worst thing possible to me.. and for no reason... than "loving" feelings isn't something that I have for her right now... though I do actually try to have them for her.

This stood out for me in your post. You say you were shocked by your wife leaving you, but then you later say that neither one of you were feeling "loving" towards each other for some time. Could this have something to do with why your wife left?

I understand that it's not the whole reason, and there's probably much more to it. But if you weren't feeling loving towards each other... then I can understand why one of you would want to leave the marriage.

Also, you say you're not feeling all that loving towards her, but you still want to make the marriage work. Deep down she probably senses that you're not feeling loving towards her, and thus the marriage isn't so much about you and her, but perhaps about you and your son (because you obviously want to be with him).

I think you really need to sit down and analyse how you feel about your wife. Let go of the anger you have towards her for leaving you, and the unreasonable things she's said (ie you abandoning her to look for work etc.) and think about how you REALLY feel about her. Or how you were feeling about her when you WERE together. If you weren't enjoying a full and loving relationship then, that could go a long way towards explaining why your marriage fell apart.

[MightySunTzu]

I get the sense that your wife in her sadness over losing her mom may have wanted to stay close to her in some way and this meant her apartment (and the area). Perhaps for her the prospect of moving to Beijing was too extreme a departure from her mom in this traumatic time, whether she was able to put this into words or not. Maybe you were supposed to stay in Spain together during this time, whatever the financial hardship.

[SaborWolf]

Originally Posted by votoshka

This stood out for me in your post. You say you were shocked by your wife leaving you, but then you later say that neither one of you were feeling "loving" towards each other for some time. Could this have something to do with why your wife left?

I understand that it's not the whole reason, and there's probably much more to it. But if you weren't feeling loving towards each other... then I can understand why one of you would want to leave the marriage.

Also, you say you're not feeling all that loving towards her, but you still want to make the marriage work. Deep down she probably senses that you're not feeling loving towards her, and thus the marriage isn't so much about you and her, but perhaps about you and your son (because you obviously want to be with him).

I think you really need to sit down and analyse how you feel about your wife. Let go of the anger you have towards her for leaving you, and the unreasonable things she's said (ie you abandoning her to look for work etc.) and think about how you REALLY feel about her. Or how you were feeling about her when you WERE together. If you weren't enjoying a full and loving relationship then, that could go a long way towards explaining why your marriage fell apart.

I understand what you're saying. And I do love my wife. But those lovey dovey feelings aren't there... and that is no reason for divorce, in my opinion. I grew up believing that love is a decision first, than a feeling second... not the other way around. And when those feelings are lost for while... all you have left is the commitment. And the feelings will return... in time. But there's a season for everything in life.

I can forgive her for what she's done/doing. Seriously.. I am capable of doing that. I have thought about what it would be like, even, after I've forgiven her & we were back together... and I can't help but to not trust her again. If divorce was that close & easy for her to jump at... than where do I really stand with her... and will she do it again ?

It's almost like the same feeling as if she cheated on me, honestly.

Originally Posted by MightySunTzu

I get the sense that your wife in her sadness over losing her mom may have wanted to stay close to her in some way and this meant her apartment (and the area). Perhaps for her the prospect of moving to Beijing was too extreme a departure from her mom in this traumatic time, whether she was able to put this into words or not. Maybe you were supposed to stay in Spain together during this time, whatever the financial hardship.

Yeah, that sounds like her speaking... but like it or not... we can't live off of air. I appreciate your opinion. But I did what I felt was right for the family, as a whole... and not just thinking of her. Her request... or demand, have you... was ridiculous & would have put us in the streets, basically. And I can't knowingly lead my family to the streets, no matter who dies.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I think this is actually a really good experience for you to have. Whether you knew it or not, what you're experiencing now has been lurking in the foundations of your marriage from the beginning. I'm not talking about your wife and her craziness, I'm talking about you and yours. You say you haven't done anything wrong; wouldn't it be better if you HAD done something wrong and had been the cause of your fate, rather than a victim of it?

But you are the cause of your fate. You may not have tipped the dominoes, but you set them up. You laid the groundwork for this experience yourself, with unhealthy expectations and self-imposed delusions. This situation, both the actions of your wife and your reaction (which has the root word "action"), was implicit in your marriage from the beginning. Can you blame your wife for finally springing a trap that you set for yourself?

I'm not saying you made a mistake in marrying her. I'm saying that you expected and required the wrong things from her, things that she couldn't deliver. You don't accept your wife as she is; you only accepted her when she was as you needed her to be. What she needs is to be herself, without regard for what you need. The only need you have a right to expect her to fulfill is the need for her to be what she has to be. Having other requirements she can't fulfill doesn't just hurt her; it also hurts you.

Your responses so far are to cling to the past, trying to get back what you once had with love letters and phone calls, or to curse your fate and rant against the person you think is responsible for it. I say to forget about what you once had. What you once had turned into what you have now; that will happen again even if you get it back.

Your response should be to move forward and forge a new life with new relationships with your wife and son. You have a chance now to correct the mistakes and false expectations you had in the past. Forget what's supposed to be; focus on the opportunities that are. Make a relationship where your wife doesn't have to be anything she isn't in order for you to be happy with who she is.

Well said!

"Personal Resonsibility" always works. Regardless of why your wife did what she did, if you take full responsibility, it forces you to move on which makes you grow. And growing is always good for any of us.