trust issues...

[AngelNside]

I have been a single woman for nearly eight years Perhaps by choice. I was in a relationship with a guy for nearly six years before he decided he wanted to be 'single' and 'chill' with his friends. Since that time, we have had a cordial quasi friendship. I found out that he lied about being single and actually had a g/f and a new baby on the way. He STILL contacts me and though I've told him I think it is best to not communicate, he STILL tries. I began ignoring his messages and calls. We ultimately had a good relationship, but since him, I have never dated again. I don't want to have this distrust of ALL men, b/c I know they aren't the same. I don't seem to be able to shake my only relationship with a guy and the anger associated with the breakup. I have continued to live my life and accomplish my goals, but I cannot bring myself to trust men. I can be friends with men and I even get hit on in public more often then i'd like, yet nothing makes me feel the need to accept them. Oddly enough, over the last couple of years, I have found myself being closer with women. I see things in them that I feel a man can never give me. I'm wanting a committed and lasting relationship with a man, but my friends say I was spoiled by my former prince charming. I want all that comes with being with a man, the security, the masculinity, the obligations bestowed upon men according to God, etc. I don't Choose to take their advice to heart b/c they are lesbians and sometimes see me in a hetero relationship negatively. I would like to hear honest viewpoints on this since my typical pp.peanut gallery is biased.

[MovingForward]

8 years seems like a long time to be single and not dating at all.

This old boyfriend doesn't sound like a prince to me. He is holding you back from having an intimate relationship with anyone else. You should let him go since he is having a baby, you should cut it off so he can focus on that. Then the time and engery you spend on him you can focus on who you want and have some fun.
Get back in the game, you don't have to trust anyone with your life, but give it an evening and try bowling or dinner. Do you miss romance?
No one is going to fool you unless you let them. A date can't hurt. 8 years is too long, get back in the game and tell dude to buzz off. Good luck

[Vipa]

I actually agree with your first thoughts and gut instinct. I have never been close to any man that was able to keep my trust, though I tried at first with a certain temporary level of success.

I don't want to write a feminist rant though, but instead articulate my thoughts through the parallel idea of any male / patriarchial relationship, whether it be a father or a business organisation, or lover.

The male, wether literal, physically, or as an idea has XY chromosomes (a choppy lake), therefore they are not balanced and so will never be totally trustworthy. However, the female is XX, balance, trust. Until or course you become suffocated by the love and lack of movement that is (a stagnant lake).

Men are not meant to be trusted (but nor are we women), but as long as you are aware of this, and allow for it, then with such an awareness and not getting your hopes up of monogamy, though letting it try if it wants, then long term friendship and short term passion can still work. Think of Steve's posts on this site relating to 'label free relationships'.

The problem then is only when the man / woman can't let go, and not recognise the time to move on, getting too attached to traditional values, then it's like being buggered by 36 people, a real pain in the ass!

[AngelNside]

@Movingforward,

I do miss romance, but not the intimacy. I miss being with someone or rather the idea of being wth someone with whom I can connect intellectually. That may sound odd, but it truly excites me in a way physical love hasn't. As for him holding me back, I would say the development of my trust issue is what is holding me back and not him. I realize he has moved on with his life in a sense and I need to do the same. I guess I'm too defensive and indirectly blaming every potential man I meet. Letting go of dead weight I can do, but the dear of it returning is more of a challenge.

You are absolutely correct about my needing to get back out there. I have for so long, surrounded myself with those who are single that I've become accustom to it in a way. This world we live in has become so bizarre. People are so evil that I'm hesitant to go through what I call the 'interview process' with a guy. Lol, sorry I had to laugh at myself for thinking that I will meet the next Charles Manson. I've been watching too much tv lately. I know I am a pretty strong woman, heck, I've endured the last eight years alone without losing my mind so I must be. I'm just going to have to get out there and welcome the opportunity and allow my instincts and intellecut lead me and not my fears.

Thank you for the comments.

[AngelNside]

Vipa,

Your analogy of the balance and imbalance of men and women based on their chromosomes was awesome. I've never looked at the two in that manner. Very well put.

I must say that I do agree with your notion that men and women must be accepting of each other and their potential faults essentially. Not one person in the flesh is capable of being 100% trustworthy at all times. Understanding this is required in order to have a healthy relationship with someone and life in general.

I believe that the male-female relationship is a true paradigm that doesn't need to be understood, but rather appreciated. You stated that men and women are not meant to be trusted, I must disagree with that. In life you must trust our counterparts in order to have commitments and interactions otherwise there is no reason to engage with the opposite gender. There always comes a time when it is apropo to seek out, engage with, desire and even need a male or female, thus a reason for trust.

Being able to move on and thrive does mean letting go of not so much 'traditional' ideologies, but rather preconceived expectations of what a person or group of people may or may not do.

I appreciate your commentary and advice. You allowed me to step outside of how I feel in order to truly assess things. Thank you ever so much.

[Agota]

Maybe it would be easier for you if you would change your perspective on things.

Here are few suggestions:

1. You can learn more about psychology and reading people. The first thing that comes to my mind is micro-expressions, but generally learning more about human psychology could improve your judgment when it comes to relationships. Maybe the problem isn't in guys, maybe the problem is in your inaccurate judgment? People aren't that unpredictable and if you'd have a good judgement, you'd probably have noticed that the guy you were with wasn't ready for serious relationship or that he changed during the course of relationship and it won't work out. Important thing is not to listen that much to what people say, but rather observe their behavior, because sometimes people do believe what they say although it's not true.

2. You can take a look at the concept of Law of Attraction. Law of attraction says that like attracts like, therefore if you hold an idea that all men are not worthy of your trust and will betray you sooner or later, that's what you get. The good news that if you'd be able to hold an idea that there are quite a lot of decent guys out there, that's what you'll get.

3. You can ponder on the fact that everything in this life is impermanent and human relationships are very unstable, because human beings are constantly changing in a rather fast pace. Consequently, expectations to stay with your current partner forever. You can't know how you will change in ten years and you definitely can't know how he will change years. That seems harsh, but acceptance of this fact helps to lessen attachment to men (or women).

[Agota]

Originally Posted by Vipa

I actually agree with your first thoughts and gut instinct. I have never been close to any man that was able to keep my trust, though I tried at first with a certain temporary level of success.

I don't want to write a feminist rant though, but instead articulate my thoughts through the parallel idea of any male / patriarchial relationship, whether it be a father or a business organisation, or lover.

The male, wether literal, physically, or as an idea has XY chromosomes (a choppy lake), therefore they are not balanced and so will never be totally trustworthy. However, the female is XX, balance, trust. Until or course you become suffocated by the love and lack of movement that is (a stagnant lake).

The female, wether literal, physically, or as an idea, has XX chromosomes (a choppy lake), therefore they're not balanced and so will never be totally trustworthy. However, the male is XY, balance, trust. Until of course you become suffocated by the love and lack of movement that is (a stagnant lake).

I wonder how many women would find a comment like that chauvinistic?