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12-03-2011, 08:12 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 27
 |  I seem to have a little problem with my girlfriend
hey all thanks for coming to read this. ok here goes my girlfriend and i have been going out for 1month and 2 weeks nothing has happend we havent held hands or enything we do hug on hello's and goodbye's this doesnt really bother me much at all. oh by the way we are both 14. but we dont ever get to be alone even tho i try to get her with me. I was kinda angry cuz i didnt get to be with her in the afternoon and it didnt seem like she wanted me to be there. and its been happening a bit. so on skype that night this is what happend : me:hey i gotta talk to you about something we need to spend more time together your always with cat and it gets really frustrating she didnt respond for a bit so i said: me: what are you thinking? she still didnt respond so i said: me: are you still there? so a hour or two later i said: me:im sorry if i made you upset or something im not angry i just want us to be together a bit more  she ddint respond so i went to bed then the next morning it was bothering me so i went on skype she was offline and she sent me a message saying lauren:Jake I like being with people and cat is my best friend. so sorry so i replyed: me:im not saying i want you to stop hanging out with everyone i just ask if mabye you and me can be alone sometimes. lauren:I was happy me: what do you mean? lauren:i was happy the way it was. me:im not asking much. why does me wanting to be alone with you make you unhappy? Lauren:why do you have to complicate things? me:i didnt think telling you i wanted to spend more time with you would end up like this. lauren:we can more time together we dont have to be alone i like being in groups it makes me feel more commfortable. me: I make you feel that unconfortable that you have to be around other people when im hthere? i g2g to work. lauren: thats not what i said so stop twisting my words its not that i dont like being alone like in sose the other day on the computters was fun..... becuase it wasnt planned and it was fun.....But when you plan it it's annoying because i feel like all the attention is on me and i dont like having all that attention.... its more fun to sit next to u in a group so i dont feel pressured to talk all the time its not about you its about how i feel about being one on one with a person even ask cat thats just in my personality..... and im sure if we got closer i would spent time with you lone by ourselves but i ussaly dont do that. me after work:heyy im back. ok i understand and i am sorry i hope we are ok? what are you up to thats it she hasent responded even tho i kno she is on cuz she is talking with my friend on skype. did i do the right thing? i dont see how we can get much closer if we never spend time alone with one another and we are always in a group.we arnet really that close and it really erks me how do i fix this and get closer with her? Thanks Jake |
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12-03-2011, 06:17 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 63
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well - first, this isn't really a "problem", per se -- this is just a normal dynamic in all relationships. One person wants one thing, and the other person wants a different thing. Learning to find the balance is all part of learning about relating, becoming more adept at being in relationships, and respecting one another. So you want alone time, and she does not - she's not ready. And she's clearly communicated that. At this point, you've asked her, she gave her reply, and it's up to you to accept it or not. Which means, you have a choice: you can press or insist on getting your own way, or - you could respect her comfort level, and go with the flow. If and when she's fully comfortable, then alone time will happen naturally. keep in mind that if you continue to ask, she may feel that as 'pressuring' - and that can backfire, cause she may not want to be around a pushy person at all. of course i can't tell you what to do - but my suggestion would be to chill. Just let go of your 'expectation" that she "should" be alone with you. respect that her interest in how things go, is as important as your own, and don't try to get your own way. 6 weeks is a VERY short time - even for ppl in their 20's and 30's, many people feel that is too soon for a more intimate relationship. So hang out with her in groups, among friends, go with the flow, and enjoy each other's company doing whatever! More private time with her will happen naturally at some point - when it's the right time for both of you. Last edited by AllTogetherNow; 12-03-2011 at 06:20 PM. |
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12-03-2011, 07:55 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,975
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I disagree. I say ignore her like she's ignoring you. She's just not that into you. If you start ignoring her, she may perk up and start wanting to get close to you. Never let a girl know you like her more than she likes you. She sounds like she's not mature enough for a relationship. It's not really even a relationship because you guys aren't doing anything that people in relationships do. And why do you need to be in a relationship at age 14? You should be playing sports and getting laid. |
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12-03-2011, 10:01 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 63
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i respectfully disagree with the disagreer  at 14, it isn't necessarily so that 'she's not that into you' -- it's normal and typical that a girl of this age isn't necessarily interested in going full-on into a 'serious' or exclusive relationship. She may like you just fine, maybe even a lot - but her interest is to hang out together in a more casual way, with groups of friends, and not go farther into being alone. In my personal opinion she's being entirely age-appropriate; has her head on straight, and I give her props for knowing exactly what her interests and boundaries are, and making them known. that's healthy self-esteem right there - as far as the ignoring thing....playing games isn't useful; it's manipulative. it is an attempt to manipulate the circumstances to 'make' the other person do what you want - to get your own way. and it frequently backfires, cause it usually just turns into back-and-forth games by both people - it becomes Jerry Springer bull$(@!.... which typically doesn't get the results people want. honest communication, respecting each other's boundaries, and learning to accept/deal with it when you don't always get your way, will increase your maturity, teach you something important about girls and relationships, and ultimately give you a better result than playing some kind of "playing hard to get" game. Last edited by AllTogetherNow; 12-03-2011 at 10:09 PM. |
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12-04-2011, 01:00 AM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 12,690
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I would say that you are way more into her than she is into you. But don't sweat it, lots of young guys make the mistake you are making...which is to directly confront a girl who isn't showing signs of interest in you. The fact that she didn't want to be alone with you is a clue for you that says you haven't established enough comfort with her yet. Demanding that fro her is a surefire way to get just the opposite. The thing with women is that you gave to guide the interaction in such a way that it feels like it's HER idea. Even if it's not her idea, your goal is to make her feel like it is and to feel comfortable with the idea. Typically that involves relieving her of any responsibility of what might happen if you ARE alone. In any case, I agree that she's just not that into you and interestingly the best way to recharge that interest is to back off and get sincerely interested in other things. |
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12-04-2011, 04:06 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 27
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Thanks every one for commenting. i think i have way to much invested in this relationship i dont want to break up with her but how do i ease myself away from always thinking about her and stuff. I think i am becoming a chik i always think about her i want us to be closer i want our relationship to be good but isnt it ussaly the chik that wnts all this and the guy doesnt care? Hahaha. Thinking about all of this stuff is making me crazy its just all the timw im thinking about it i never get a break and i dont kno how to stop please help ?
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12-05-2011, 12:59 AM
| #8 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,975
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12-05-2011, 06:14 AM
| #9 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 27
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12-05-2011, 06:45 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 22
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There's a page in David Deida's The Way of the Superior Man that describes this very problem. I know you're only 14, but it's good advice for any guy. You want her more than she wants you, and she knows it. She can't be attracted to you if you put her on a pedestal. Don't put so much value in one person; there are lots of great girls out there just waiting for a cool guy like you. I imagine you've got all of high school left for dating, so focus on what makes you happy and the ladies will come to you  Last edited by absentmindfulness; 12-05-2011 at 06:47 AM. |
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12-05-2011, 07:48 PM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 573
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You are way too young to be dealing with/ making an effort for girls who ain't that interested. Don't listen to people who say ths is natural. Just cos she is this way with you doesn't mean she will be like that with everyone. I say drop her now cos as a man who is twice your age and vastly more experienced I can see you going down the path of tolerating flaky behaivour. This is the start of a relationship. You shouldnt have to be fighting for her time. Beleive me this will turn into a long term habit with women if you are not careful. You are not in love yet, so cut your ties now before you fall. You both don't owe each other anything. Get into the habit for holding out for the woman you want and who acts in a desirable way. Women are not scarce. You will gain more confidence if you learn to turn down women that are not that interested or don't fit your criteria. If you don't learn this now, 10 yrs from now when you have a lil money in your pocket you will attempt to buy things for disinterested women in the hope that they will spend a lil time wiv you. This gal is very nonchalant with you. Learn to not tolerate this at a young age. Man, I could tell you some stories of guys like you who just couldn't drop certain gals no matter how flaky they behaved.they always ended up cheated on, myself included for a while. At 1 month and 2 weeks you should be both totally infatuated with each other ala Edward Cullen and bella. Girls like boys just as much as boys like girls. Yes every gal has a guy who causes their heart to race, just not every or even most guys. Focus in making yourself generally attractive. Attraction is not a choice. You cannot talk someone into being more attracted to you. Unless in a serious relationship you shouldn't have to beg someone at the start of a relationship to spend alone time with you. | |
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12-06-2011, 01:09 AM
| #13 (permalink) | ||
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 663
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12-06-2011, 04:34 AM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 801
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Im with the Orecle and Ceoarob, she isn't overly interested or ready. I remember being similiar when I was 14 (22 now). Life was all about me and my interests and guys were a side thing. You obviously want more. So let her go, nicely and lovingly. No point in being mean and find someone who wants what you want. Who wants to spend more time together alone and get closer. Go you for asking for you what you want, that was fantastic and she was right to assert her boundaries. Now you both know the score. |
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12-06-2011, 05:14 AM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 27
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But i dont want to cut her loose i actully care for her i dont see her as just some bellonging of mine. Do you think it unwise to let it play out for a week or two more to see if enything changes because she said she is just going through a phase and should be ok soon? Also if i do break up with her wont i look like an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ because on the out side i dont think we look disfunctional? idk mabye i just dont want to listen to you because i want this relationship to work. Im not sure sorry guys
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12-06-2011, 07:42 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 27
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Ok iv just been talking to her best friend about it and she says that my gf is just really nervous around me because its her first real relationship. I also have a question when does all this crap stop when your dating someone and you have to talk to their friends about their feeling instead of talking to them about it because she seems to tell my friend more about what she is feeling and whats going on than me? She also seems to actully talk to him. She just doesnt really talk to me i try and start a conversation but she just answere the question shortly and shuts up untill i ask her something else so it never really goes enywhere at all and makes me look. like an idiot how do i get her less nervous? I hope im not that scary that she cant even talk to me |
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12-06-2011, 05:52 PM
| #17 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,133
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Hi Atwinky, First of all, relax. These are powerful emotions you are experiencing, and they feel even more powerful because you are experiencing this situation for the first time. Imagine you are floating in a stormy sea, and the wind and water are swirling all about you; you can't make the wind and water stop, and if you panic and fight too hard, you will drown. You need to relax and let yourself "float" --- experience the emotions, but breathe calmly and know that you are safe and that there is peace inside of you and strength in your core. Relationship "crap" never stops; it just changes form as people grow and learn. There is usually a bit of work involved in any relationship, even a good one, but it's worth it, because you can experience wonderful things and learn a lot about yourself and your partner. First, respect your needs and respect her needs. It sounds like what she needs is to feel safe and take things slowly, and what you need is more time together and a deeper connection. The good news is that you may both be able to get what you need from this, but if you push her, if you pressure her too much, she's going to feel anxious and back off. Remember, it's her first relationship too, and she's nervous and her brain is full of "what ifs?". If you can be patient and let her come to you, you may find the two of you developing that connection you need. It's also possible that you can't both get what you need from this relationship. If that turns out to be the case, I would end it with kindness: recognize that you are both looking for different things and wish each other happiness and success. The reason there are people here telling you to "run" is that they don't want to see you chasing her and putting her up on a pedestal. Why? Because they don't want to see you torture yourself, pine for her, lose your self-respect, and get dumped; in that case it's better to end it quickly and lick your wounds rather than draw it out and wound yourself twice as much. Never let your own self-worth and self-image be defined by whether another person wants to be with you, and never put yourself beneath someone you are attracted to. Even the most beautiful, brilliant, amazing woman is just another person like you; she's got her own flaws and fears and quirks, and she farts and sweats and has messy hair in the morning. There is a very crude and somewhat mean-spirited saying that goes: "Show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a man that's tired of f**king her." Now that sounds a little bitter and cynical, but there is an important message here: nobody is perfect, and no woman is so beautiful or special that she deserves to be worshipped as a goddess. Loving and appreciating and admirating her are wonderful, but putting her up above you on a pedestal is only devaluing your own self-worth. Remember, whatever happens, you will be OK. It hurts to break up with someone, but the pain doesn't last forever, and you can learn a lot about yourself, and what you need in a partner, in the process, if you allow yourself to really observe, experience, and learn. Quote:
Last edited by JSB; 12-06-2011 at 05:56 PM. | |
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12-07-2011, 11:26 AM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 801
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Ok munchkin, heres the deal. You are not scary per se and its not that she has a problem with you as a human being. But she is fourteen and its her first time dating etc. Read female magazines like Dolly or Girlfriend etc there is alot of pressure to be perfect and do everything right. So I can see why she is so nervous. If you want a chance at a relationship with her, I honestly believe you need to stop being so anxious. Just relax. Enjoy the time you spend with her, laugh and have fun. Maybe it goes somewhere, maybe it doesn't but try to stop worrying. I bet once you relax and just go with the flow, she will too. Maybe then you guys can start moving towards doing more stuff alone, maybe not but surely you will have a better experience overall. All this relationship crap is your own creation!!! Your not married, you don't have any kids or financial ties to each other. Zero major responsibilities. Deep breath, your young and free. Enjoy it. Go to school and do your thing. Hang out and do your thing. Whatever happens, happens but stop stressing her and yourself out trying to control the outcome. A link you may like: Everybody's Free To Wear SUNSCREEN! (ORIGINAL) + English Subtitles - YouTube Good luck xx |
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12-08-2011, 02:07 AM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 27
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I feel so weird I don't know what to do know? but if anything this relationship has givin me a lot of my self confidence back and taught me a lot about relationships and girls so not all is bad but I still feel like ♥♥♥♥.
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12-08-2011, 09:33 PM
| #26 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010
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12-09-2011, 02:20 PM
| #27 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 27
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Ok my friend has been speaking to her and she says that i treated her like crapp and had no balls apparently we never talked about what she wanted and i didnt listen to her but we never really talked about much cause she replyed my questions with a simple one word or one sentence answere and barley asked me anything or tryed to get a conversation rollingshe said she wanted to take it slow so i did i didnt pressure her into enything i just asked once or twice if it was ok to hold her hand she said not yet so i said ok no worries. And if she wanted to talk about what she wanted shouldnt she bring it up in conversation not me? Idk i guess i am angry atm i dont kno if she is wronge or right and its killing me i feel so badd how can i get over this?
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12-09-2011, 08:08 PM
| #28 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 6
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Don't worry Jake... "This too will pass..." It sounds to me that she really has no clue what she wants or wanted...but at 14 that's no surprise... It seems as though she has a "warp" perception of what transpired in the relationship... It's obvious you genuinely cared for her and you were really into her so it's unfortunate that she would tell your friend that you treated her like crap... Listen, count yourself lucky... It's better it happened sooner rather than investing more of your life in her... I am not going to lie to you...it will hurt...but you will get over it...the pain will go away... Trust me... I had a bad break up a couple of months ago after being with the person for over a year and I thought that empty feeling would never go away... but guess what??? IT DID!!! I know it sounds cliche but "time heals all wounds"... and you would be stronger and better because of it. You're young and seem like a really cool guy... so don't worry...there are tons of girls out there... just don't put them on a pedestal...treat them with care and respect but don't let them take advantage of your good nature... Good luck and God Bless! |
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12-09-2011, 09:06 PM
| #29 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 27
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a bad person. | |
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12-10-2011, 12:59 AM
| #30 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 801
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Jake, in the crooked court of her imagination, you were always likely to be the bad guy. People are asking her why she broke up, you seemed nice etc and she was most likely embarrassed and upset so blamed you. You did the best you could. Please don't blame yourself. It clearly hurts alot. But now you have a chance to learn about yourself and the relationship and then go out there and try again with someone else. If and when you want. Everyone has failed relationships in the past, everyone!!! Its called being human and why we all still date so much. |
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