22 Year Old Father, 2 Year Relationship

[Dkyer]

As you can tell from the title, I'm a 22 year old father. I'm still with the mother and we have a pretty great relationship by my standards. We have small arguments here and there but really nothing more. We've currently fallen on hard times and have been living with her parents. I hate living with these two people so much. I was out of work for 15 months and had finally found a place of employment. Turned out that place was a giant scam. Not for me, it paid well and on time but we scammed honest hardworking contractors. The government came in and busted the place, so now i'm out of job. It was my ticket out of this hell hole.

It gets worse though, I've been pretty sexually confused my whole life. Recently its been getting much worse. It comes in waves, just today I had such a strong feeling to see two men having sex. I ran to the bathroom with my laptop and did "my thing". After I do that, I feel so embarrassed that I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Now that I did, the feelings will pass until it comes back again tomorrow or in a few days. My girlfriend and I have sex (about once a week or so) but its not out of attraction for me, its so I can remind myself that i'm still a man.

Truth be told I'm not sure if I'm attracted to her anymore or making myself feel attracted to her. If that makes any sense. I just can't stop these feelings anymore. My best friend knows about what a hell i'm living in with her parents (he doesn't know about these feelings though). He offered me a place to crash but I can't be a burden on someone else. All I feel like is a burden to everyone without a job. My only option is to live in this hell and confusion or be homeless and wake up without my daughter. My 17 month old daughter is the only thing that gives me any happiness anymore but now it feels like even she wants nothing to do with me. She is crazy about my girlfriends father but I can't even pick her up without her screaming or biting me or scratching my face. She loves that old man though, truth be told i'm so jealous it kills me. Its absolutely heart wrenching. I do nothing but try to spend time with her and play with her and give her the love that my parents had a hard time giving me.

I need advice, please help me.

[butterflyeffect]

Ok, well there does sound like theres alot of good in your situation. Glass half full kind of thing?

- You and the baby's Mom both love each other and have a good relationship
- You have somewhere safe to live
- Your baby is healthy and surrounded by people that love her

I find when Im in a bad place in the world, finding what im grateful for and being nice to myself really helps. Your post sounds like your really mean to yourself and always critising yourself. From where I'm standing, your doing really well and there are reserves strength inside you that your just not seeing yet.

I don't have any children so I can't really help with that. But maybe your daughter picks up on your dislike of yourself and is mirroring it? Its really hard for anyone else to love you if you can't love yourself. I'd recomend looking at Louise Hay's book "You can Heal your life" and her youtube videos, she has a very simple message and is easy to listen to.

I'm the same age as you and I couldn't handle the levels of responsibility that you have. You have achieved alot!! You have a loving partner and a beautiful healthy child. Thats incredible. Don't lose sight of that. Keep searching for a job. I am sure there is one out there for you somewhere. Use this time to decide what you want and develop your skills. Plan what you will do with the money you earn and how to maximise it. Sounds like your living on a shoestring at the moment, great, what lessons can you learn from it? That way when you leave, you know you won't be coming back.

I have a complicated relationship with my own sexuality but there is alot of sexual wisdom on these forums. So many of our members have a wonderful loving view of sex and their own desires and their lack of judgement opens them up to amazing experiences. In my experience denying your own sexual feelings or beating yourself up over your desires leads to misery for all involved. Sexualiy isn't static or defined by a single preference or experience. There is no need to label yourself as gay, bi or straight. I think we do that because it makes things easier socially rather than as divine truth. Maybe let go of the labels and some of the shame would go to? I was once told that shame is like fungus, it grows in the dark and the only way to cure it is to open up and let it see the sun. Thats really hard bu maybe you could start discussing it with someone you trust? Tell your partner, sometimes I enjoy watching men together? But its not your desires that are the problem per se but your feelings about them.

xxx

[Dkyer]

You're right, My relationship couldn't be better, My daughter is surrounded by people who give her unconditional love, and I do admit that I put a lot against myself.

That's not the problem though. First, its the father and mother of my girlfriend. Great example of what happened today. Her father came out to the garage, her brother and I were having a quiet conversation about things and he came out there and started screaming at me about how its my fault things aren't better and just in general about how losing my job was my fault. Even though he knows the entire story of what happened. I had no control over the feds busting the place up. Her father (and he has told me this) wishes I was just some dead beat father who just sent money to my girlfriend for my child every week. This man still see's me as just the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ who impregnated his daughter instead as a father he really cares about his child.

Second, I am really attracted to men. Not in the confused area either. I know I want to F**k a man, I find more attraction in men than I do women. My best friend has offered me a place to stay because he knows what her father is like to me. That man really can't stand me. Although that brings up another problem. If i'm living by myself with my best friend, what if I become tempted? We've never done anything sexual but he is like me as well. What if we're alone and we can't handle the temptation? She has no idea about this, she knows he wants to get me away from this house (which would be wonderful) but she doesn't know about his sexuality. All my girlfriend knows is that I kissed a guy after high school and went out on a date once with a guy. She has no idea I still feel this way and she is not the type to take this kind of thing lightly. Her father is one of those right wing conservative christians and so is she. She will not accept this kind of behavior. She is all for me moving in with my best friend and him and I living together but she doesn't understand whats really going on. I have no idea what to tell her or how to bring it up.

[JeanKitten]

I've never had a roommate that I wasn't dating, but I can imagine that if there is mutual attraction, and you are living under the same roof, some sort of sexual encounter is inevitable.

As for telling her, there isn't going to be an easy way to handle that. You have to be true to yourself though. All you can do is prepare for your reaction to her disappointment and anger and give her time to process the situation. You have to be in each others lives for your child's sake so you must approach this situation ready to work with her feelings.

[butterflyeffect]

I can see why your father in law would be so against you. You represent everything he dislikes in the world and he doesn't blame his daughter or grandchild - so its all your fault.

Probably little chance of you changing him. Moving away from him and his hostility does sound very appealing. But I still think you need to work out your end game. Once you know what you want, no matter how scary you can start to road map where to go. By the sounds of it, living with your gf and her family and repressing your desires for men is definatley not it.

Do you still want to be with your girlfriend sexually? Or would you rather just be friends and parents? Because from what I understand your not happy living with her but still love her and your daughter. Maybe you could look at what would happen if you broke up romantically and saw other people, giving you sexual freedom and somewhere else to live but still see your daughter.

[Curious cat]

I think you need to be prepared that your gf will not understand and may react negatively should you confess to your her about your sexual feelings. On one extreme (but still possible), she may kick you out and keep you from seeing your daughter.

If you no longer want to be in a relationship with your gf, i suggest seeking legal advice on how to obtain custody, if it ever comes to that.

It's important to not have to hide things about yourself, but unfortunately not everyone can accept homosexuality, which means you need to weigh the pros and cons and think about how you will deal with the consequences (if any).

I wish you all the best

[Moriarty]

firstly, i think your very brave for putting such a thing out there for random comments.

I am not in a position to comment one way or the other regarding your sexual preferences. Only you can sort that out for yourself, but i DO pick up that you seem to be a very confused and sad person about your life. Perhaps its decision-time?

[Dkyer]

All of your comments are wonderful. you've all given me a lot to think about. My gf and I have discussed what would happen if we broke up and had to share our daughter. We've discussed it a few times. We've come to the conclusion that if it was to happen we would share our time with out daughter responsibly and I certainly would give a fair amount every paycheck to her for child support. I was a child of a horrible divorce when I was about five. My parents to this day live only five minutes from each other and haven't spoken to each other in about 10 years. My father was amazing at that time. He fought for custody and gave my mother WAY more child support than he ever needed to give her. He took up a second job to just pay child support. My mother on the other hand was quite a beast towards him and us. I didn't understand it at the time but I realize now she was just putting all of her frustrations toward us and him.
If we break up and end up having to split time with my daughter I will be like my father and make sure my daughter grows up knowing that her mother and I both lover her very much and none of this is her fault.

My gf knows I've been with a man before but I didn't explain the extent it went to. She thought it was just a confusing time for me and we only kissed once. She had no idea that I had been with other men and I had serious relationships with men. She has always been okay with it but leaving her to explore my sexuality would probably upset her quite a bit. She's planning on getting married and us spending the rest of our lives together. At the same time there is a bit of attraction to her, I will admit. I love her so much, just the thought of telling her and hurting her like that absolutely crushes me inside. I will never cheat on her, if it gets to that point where I think I may cheat on her I will tell her everything. I'm trying to think of a way where I can ease her into this and I'm really having trouble on starting that conversation.

Although on a good side note I am still able to get my unemployment, so we won't be completely screwed. that has been something that's been killing me. So at least I'll still be able to care for my daughter.

again, thank you all for your very wonderful comments. I was scared about what people would say and I'm glad you're all taking this a serious as I am.