Moving back home. How to deal with step mother.

[russianrocket]

I moved out for a reason, and that was my step mother and grand mother.

Grand mother died a year after I moved out.

Step mother is still bitchy tho. Super anal and she always complains about everything and everyone. Comes home from work, only to be negative. I can't really tell her to stop gossiping tho. Usually, I kinda ignore her.

I'm 26, but had to do this to save $1300 a month... so while a touch choice, it's a very cost effective one.

[NoJobRob]

I used to have a wicked step mother. LOL She was a heavy drinker (became one...), complained about everything but never did crap to make anything better, made big deals out of nothing, created drama left and right, etc etc etc. She had what I call "queen bee syndrome". I just kept my distance as much as possible. Maybe try and spend as much time out with friends as possible, but if they give you responsibilities like mowing the yard, etc, be sure to do them, but spend plenty of time out of the house. That's what I would do anyway...

[ZephyrusX]

Have you experimented around with aggravating and mitigating language and behaviour? My brother will sometimes get into these really anal and critical moods where he will literally tear apart everything you say. Even the most mundane things. I've come to realize that the way I respond will either aggravate or mitigate his behaviour. Getting defensive eggs him on. Blaming him or judging him eggs him on. I try to be very task oriented as possible and not give him the opportunity to be super critical. At the end of the day, I always have the option to just end the conversation politely and seek out some time alone.

[TinaC]

Ummm...you're 26 and you're moving back to your parents house? I kinda think you need to grow up a little Darl and get away from Mummy and Daddy. I mean you were still living with your grandmother too. Why haven't you got your own house?

[TinaC]

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you need some reality. You have it WAY too easy for somebody your age.

[russianrocket]

Originally Posted by TinaC

Ummm...you're 26 and you're moving back to your parents house? I kinda think you need to grow up a little Darl and get away from Mummy and Daddy. I mean you were still living with your grandmother too. Why haven't you got your own house?

You can't be serious.... People twice my age, move back to their home. Would you suggest that instead of taking my fathers choice to help me, I should become homeless, or go live in a shithole? I'm starting my life from scratch, because my BUSINESS no longer working, does not allow me to pay for my 2800 sqft HOUSE, with my monthly BILLS being probably more then you earn per month. Why assume things?

I come from a European family. The fact that I managed to move out at 23 years of age, was a MIRACLE. It's just not done. Not to mention, the youngest, is supposed to stay with their parents, and take care of them. My father did that with his mother, and it continued with me till I moved out at 23. So yeah, I lived with my parents, who also had my grandmother with them, just like the majority of families in the world.

And in case you missed it, I haven't lived at home in years.

ok I'm done, your post is really pointless.

[russianrocket]

Originally Posted by ZephyrusX

Have you experimented around with aggravating and mitigating language and behaviour? My brother will sometimes get into these really anal and critical moods where he will literally tear apart everything you say. Even the most mundane things. I've come to realize that the way I respond will either aggravate or mitigate his behaviour. Getting defensive eggs him on. Blaming him or judging him eggs him on. I try to be very task oriented as possible and not give him the opportunity to be super critical. At the end of the day, I always have the option to just end the conversation politely and seek out some time alone.

That's about the only thing I could do as well. I was young and stupid. Now, I just try my best not to say anything that would egg her on. Which is just about everything.

I know that I'm going to have to do everything perfect tho. Probably worth the $1300 a month in savings.

I'm also working on getting a cheap place a few hours away near a friend who's gonna give me a job. So I plan on going back and forth, and won't be here all month long.

[TinaC]

Originally Posted by russianrocket

You can't be serious.... People twice my age, move back to their home. Would you suggest that instead of taking my fathers choice to help me, I should become homeless, or go live in a shithole? I'm starting my life from scratch, because my BUSINESS no longer working, does not allow me to pay for my 2800 sqft HOUSE, with my monthly BILLS being probably more then you earn per month. Why assume things?

I come from a European family. The fact that I managed to move out at 23 years of age, was a MIRACLE. It's just not done. Not to mention, the youngest, is supposed to stay with their parents, and take care of them. My father did that with his mother, and it continued with me till I moved out at 23. So yeah, I lived with my parents, who also had my grandmother with them, just like the majority of families in the world.

And in case you missed it, I haven't lived at home in years.

ok I'm done, your post is really pointless.

The only people that move back home twice your age are bums and I mean that with no disrespect. I mean do you know how embarrassing that would be to still live with your parents at that age. I had to move out of my parents’ house when I was 18. I had no money, no job and I had to make it on my own and I did it. You have it too easy and I’m sorry Darl but I’m being truthful.

[russianrocket]

Originally Posted by TinaC

The only people that move back home twice your age are bums and I mean that with no disrespect. I mean do you know how embarrassing that would be to still live with your parents at that age. I had to move out of my parents’ house when I was 18. I had no money, no job and I had to make it on my own and I did it. You have it too easy and I’m sorry Darl but I’m being truthful.

My family came here with nothing, from Soviet Russia and we built a life like that. My mom died when I was 6, so I was raised by my grand mother and father. Living in a tiny house, with 6 other people. You really want to play the " who's life was harder game"? Because I can continue.

People who move back in with their family at twice my age, are people who lost their jobs and can't find another one. People who took a dump in the real estate crash. People who got ripped off by investment companies. To say that they are all bums, just because they moved back in order to regroup and fix their lives? That's great, that you moved out, and did it. Tho, I doubt you had no money or a job, or you'd be telling us about your hard life on the street, being homeless, and selling your body for food and drugs. So, what exactly did you do, with no money or job, to be able to make it?

Who are you to decide who has it too easy and who doesn't? You are only being truthful, in as much as you are sharing your OPINION. Saying something that you feel is truth, doesn't some how make that thing actually true.

Also, saying that you don't mean something with disrespect, doesn't actually make your statement any less disrespectful.

[Criseyde]

Let's stick to constructive feedback, please...

[ZephyrusX]

Do you and your mother not share any positive elements in your relationship at all? Like, do you enjoy going to movies together? Or cooking and sharing a dinner together? My grandmother is another overly critical and hurtful person, but I've learned to avoid the things that will set her off. I can even find some common ground that we both enjoy. I like listening to her talk about her childhood growing up in the UK... and she loves to talk...

I deliberately make an attempt not to inform her about the major decisions going on in my life though as I know she will give me a hard time.

Originally Posted by russianrocket

That's about the only thing I could do as well. I was young and stupid. Now, I just try my best not to say anything that would egg her on. Which is just about everything.

I know that I'm going to have to do everything perfect tho. Probably worth the $1300 a month in savings.

I'm also working on getting a cheap place a few hours away near a friend who's gonna give me a job. So I plan on going back and forth, and won't be here all month long.

[russianrocket]

Originally Posted by ZephyrusX

Do you and your mother not share any positive elements in your relationship at all? Like, do you enjoy going to movies together? Or cooking and sharing a dinner together? My grandmother is another overly critical and hurtful person, but I've learned to avoid the things that will set her off. I can even find some common ground that we both enjoy. I like listening to her talk about her childhood growing up in the UK... and she loves to talk...

I deliberately make an attempt not to inform her about the major decisions going on in my life though as I know she will give me a hard time.

I honestly can't think of anything that we share that is positive. Even things we would possibly share, she turns negative. The only person I've ever cursed out in my entire life lol was her. Oh, that was a great day.

[James81]

While I don't share Tina's opinion, I do think she's touched on something. Not that you have it too easy, but I think there's something here for you to learn about yourself if you are willing to look.

For instance, why are you REALLY moving back home? I know you said your business is failing, but I also remember a conversation with you about a year ago about how you were deliberately slacking in your business. (Do you remember that?)

Now, this is the choice you've made now that you've tanked your business. I remember your business issues revolved around issues with your father, and yet you have trouble with the other people who are close with your father.

Is there an aspect to you and your fathers relationship that you feel is threatened by your mother-in/aw?

[Curious cat]

Although moving back home and dealing with your stepmom isn't ideal, it is a good opportunity for you to learn how to deal with her, and people like her. You are pushed out of your comfort zone, which probably wouldn't have happened if you are still living away from home. Gaining people skills is a good thing

[Curious cat]

Originally Posted by TinaC

I mean do you know how embarrassing that would be to still live with your parents at that age.

This has to be a cultural thing. I don't find living at home embarassing.

I'm from Sydney and i moved out of home at 19 (my choice). In this regard, i am part of the minority amongst the people i know. In fact, across the board (school, university, work), most people live at home until they are married.

[Moriarty]

I dont see the problem here. The man needs breathing space to fix his financial affairs and if he has family options, then good luck to him! Lay off his back and try offering him constructive support instead. He didnt splash his hard times across the screen to be critised...hmmm.....


Sometimes mate there's little you can do to avoid negative people when you are forced to live with them. I know it can bring you down like constant grating sandpaper after a while. Perhaps you can try being tough in as tactful a way as you can...eg..."I'm sure you feel as though you have no emotional support and life seems to always suck to you, but hey, lets see what nice positive things we can talk about." ...then start the new subject. Do that sort of thing every time she indulges and eventually she will get the message that you wont play her game anymore. Switching the subject will always break the energy and force her to take a breathe and think about what your now speaking about.

Cheers and good luck with the path to your new life

[JSB]

Are you as negative, condescending, judgmental, and critical of others in real life as you seem to be on these boards? Because this isn't the first thread where you've popped in to comment and tell other people why they're all wrong and how bad something is and how you know best.

You are certainly entitled to your opinions, and you may be right about some things, but would it kill you to have a pleasant and respectful conversation and exchange of ideas, rather than lecturing people on how wrong they are and how they "just don't get it"? This isn't a debating team, or a political campaign, or a drunken bar fight.

"I mean no disrepect", but when I meet people who behave like this in real life, I go out of my way to avoid them.

Originally Posted by TinaC

The only people that move back home twice your age are bums and I mean that with no disrespect. I mean do you know how embarrassing that would be to still live with your parents at that age. I had to move out of my parents’ house when I was 18. I had no money, no job and I had to make it on my own and I did it. You have it too easy and I’m sorry Darl but I’m being truthful.

[MovingForward]

I bet that the experiences that you have had over the past few years on your own have given you skills to maintain control over your emotions and your allowance of her to triger your anger. Although I have read a few of your posts...LOL...and I see that you have a bit of volitility lately and hope you keep it in check and can take advantage of a great situation.
If your step mom is able to provide you with shelter while you save money for a short time, you should feel gratitude and appreciation towards her. It is worth keeping your emotions under control. Spend as much time away from the home except for the basics and stay focused on why you are doing this if she really annoys you. But really you aren't the same person who left because she got on your nevers, you've grown up some, right? Suck it up and try to be nice.

[momo3bur]

Originally Posted by russianrocket

I moved out for a reason, and that was my step mother and grand mother.

Grand mother died a year after I moved out.

Step mother is still bitchy tho. Super anal and she always complains about everything and everyone. Comes home from work, only to be negative. I can't really tell her to stop gossiping tho. Usually, I kinda ignore her.

I'm 26, but had to do this to save $1300 a month... so while a touch choice, it's a very cost effective one.

Hey RR.

Sorry you've had so much trouble with your business, hun. At least (as hard as it is to say considering whois also there) you have a safe, warm place to go and people to support you while you get back on your feet.

I'm sure that doesn't help with the fact that you'll be dealing with the also, who apparently is your stepmother and who also most likely has a pretty good rein over the house...since it is hers.

So I have an evil stepmom, too! How to deal with her? Well, have regular conversations with her, don't argue with her, clean up after yourself, have respect in her house for her since it is her house, politely smile and nod, remember that you are only there temporarily, and keep your dad on your mind when you feel like you're going to burst and blow your top. Also sometimes it helps to remember that she (your stepmom) may be unhappy or generally pissed off...it has nothing to do with you...and she might even really react positively to some compassion and understanding. Or not...I don't know her so I can't say, but you may just have a good chance to build a relationship with her for your father's sake.

I think sometimes the only solution is tolerance and patience, compliance, etc. OH...and keeping one's mouth tightly restrained. That last one can be incredibly hard to do, but is very helpful, especially when dealing with someone who has "little miss can't be wrong" syndrome.

(EDIT: Just for clarification, the mouth which would benefit from restraint is always OURS...or yours in this case. Just a little disclaimer here in case we hear on the news your stepmom is found wandering the mall with duct tape keeping her mouth tightly closed. I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT. Not that you'd ever do such a thing...better safe than sorry, is all.)

I attempted this during a 6 week stay with my father and stepmom when I was a bit younger and I learned that she actually can be an ok person when she's not completely insane. Even went on a couple of shopping trips with her. I learned a lot about her and why she is the way she is during that stay. Would I ever go back again unless I had no choice? HELL NO. But, I did learn to tolerate her with minimal resistance.

And just think, you won't get too awfully comfy there if she's on your heels and you still can't make yourself enjoy her company, so you'll probably be overly eager to get back on your feet and will most likely do so in no time at all.

Good luck to you, RR! You're a really smart, strong willed dude. You can do this!

[MightySunTzu]

Originally Posted by russianrocket

I'm also working on getting a cheap place a few hours away near a friend who's gonna give me a job. So I plan on going back and forth, and won't be here all month long.

Any particular reason that you wouldn't just live in this one place since you'll be paying for it anyway?

[ZephyrusX]

Yah, I have the same experience with my grandmother. If I chose to respond to her one way (i.e get defensive and argue with her), I'd only know her for the incredibly conservative, hurtful, obsessed with saving money woman that she can be. If I make an effort to put arguments to rest and to direct the conversation else where, she can be pretty interesting and funny. It makes our interactions a hell of a lot more pleasant, at least.

Originally Posted by momo3bur

I attempted this during a 6 week stay with my father and stepmom when I was a bit younger and I learned that she actually can be an ok person when she's not completely insane. Even went on a couple of shopping trips with her. I learned a lot about her and why she is the way she is during that stay. Would I ever go back again unless I had no choice? HELL NO. But, I did learn to tolerate her with minimal resistance.

[IvyW]

oh, god.. i think i would rather be homeless then move back in with my step mother. Wish u the best of luck!

[James81]

Maybe you should try the homeless thing, RR.

You'd be surprised at how little you really sacrifice going that route. Back in the summer I did it for a while and its kinda interesting challenge. I got a gym membership for the showers. The only real challenge is finding a place to sleep. I wound up sleeping in my car because I couldn't find a public place ti sleep.

[IvyW]

Originally Posted by James81

Maybe you should try the homeless thing, RR.

You'd be surprised at how little you really sacrifice going that route. Back in the summer I did it for a while and its kinda interesting challenge. I got a gym membership for the showers. The only real challenge is finding a place to sleep. I wound up sleeping in my car because I couldn't find a public place ti sleep.

maybe sleep at campgrounds=)

[russianrocket]

Before I respond to others, I'd like to add a few new things. I was over there yesterday, and I feel better about it. She was nicer, and she seemed more welcome to the change then I had anticipated. I thought I would be a burden, but she didn't act like that.

But at the same time, I talked to my step brother, to get advice about the business, and he made me feel guilty as ♥♥♥♥ for moving back home. He seems to be from the thought that I should try absolutely anything before moving back home and that this is really hard on my parents.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by russianrocket

I come from a European family. The fact that I managed to move out at 23 years of age, was a MIRACLE. It's just not done. Not to mention, the youngest, is supposed to stay with their parents, and take care of them. My father did that with his mother, and it continued with me till I moved out at 23. So yeah, I lived with my parents, who also had my grandmother with them, just like the majority of families in the world.

Eastern European, if I remember correctly right?

Because in Western European countries this is not done at all... most people move out between 17 and 23, depending a lot on gender .

Anyway....

I think you'll find that now that you have gotten a taste of what it is like to live on your own and what it takes to maintain a house, you will be an easier house guest, which will make your stepmom a bit easier as well probably.

You can always simply leave the room whenever she is being negative, and other then that just stick to surface subjects.

I would suggest helping them with some money, rent and groceries for example. While still saving money, it makes it easier on them as well to have a guest and you won't have to feel so guilty.

[ZephyrusX]

Could you just not speak to him about it? What does your step-mother (or your parents?) actually think about you moving back in? Since you are moving in with her, I think the issue is really between the two of you.

Originally Posted by russianrocket

But at the same time, I talked to my step brother, to get advice about the business, and he made me feel guilty as ♥♥♥♥ for moving back home. He seems to be from the thought that I should try absolutely anything before moving back home and that this is really hard on my parents.

[Agota]

Tina, have you ever considered trying to understand how things look from the perspective of another person before calling them names?

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by JSB

"I mean no disrepect", but when I meet people who behave like this in real life, I go out of my way to avoid them.

Why is it people who say this, are usually doing so precisely BECAUSE they are about to say something disrespectful? It's like people who say, "I don't mean to be nasty, but..." and then come out with something nasty and hurtful.

People move back in with their families for a multitude of reasons. In fact, as has been mentioned before, some people live with their parents their WHOLE LIVES because multigenerational living is the norm where they are.

When someone's having problems with their business, or they've lost their job, or their house has been repossessed, or whatever, they may have little choice but to move back home. This doesn't mean they're planning to stay forever, just until they get back on their feet.

[TinaC]

Originally Posted by russianrocket

My family came here with nothing, from Soviet Russia and we built a life like that. My mom died when I was 6, so I was raised by my grand mother and father. Living in a tiny house, with 6 other people. You really want to play the " who's life was harder game"? Because I can continue.

People who move back in with their family at twice my age, are people who lost their jobs and can't find another one. People who took a dump in the real estate crash. People who got ripped off by investment companies. To say that they are all bums, just because they moved back in order to regroup and fix their lives? That's great, that you moved out, and did it. Tho, I doubt you had no money or a job, or you'd be telling us about your hard life on the street, being homeless, and selling your body for food and drugs. So, what exactly did you do, with no money or job, to be able to make it?

Who are you to decide who has it too easy and who doesn't? You are only being truthful, in as much as you are sharing your OPINION. Saying something that you feel is truth, doesn't some how make that thing actually true.

Also, saying that you don't mean something with disrespect, doesn't actually make your statement any less disrespectful.

Aww. Poor Baby. My step mummy is so mean. Do you need a hug? You wanna talk about tough? Try living out on the streets for 6 weeks. Do you have any idea what that was like for me and how scared I was every night? I didn't have to stoop down to selling my body. I got a job at the church and the minister was kind enough to take me in until I got back on my own 2 feet. And I am being disrespectful 'cause YOU are being disrespectful to me.